I an see You.
I can feel You.
I can hear You.
You are more than just a story to me.
So much more than just a legend or a myth.
I know You are in me.
Not because someone told me.
I believe in You.
Not because someone told me to.
You are very real to me.
I have known Your love.
I know Your love in me.
You are so very much alive.
No one can tell me any different.
I believe and no one will change that in me.
You are so much to me.
More than I can use mere words to describe.
You are so very far away from me.
So high above me.
Yet, You are right here with me.
You are always so very close to me.
I remember when I found You.
It was then I found myself.



Am I me?
Because I don't feel like me.
Have you seen me?
I think I've lost myself somewhere 
  along the way.
Say anything to me.
I feel as though I've closed myself.
I open my mouth.
But I only hear silence.
Slap my face.
Is this real?
Can I be revived, or is too late?
Send the energy through my soul.
Can you give me a reason?
Because I am just not believing.
Can you give me any directions?
Show me which way to go.
Please tell me.
I just don't know.
Give me a shake.
Wake me.



Look for me, look down.
Deep, deep down.
Swallowed by the darkness.
Total absence of light.
In the cold, I cannot see my breath.
Tears are frozen to my cheeks.
The cold broke my heart.
Shards are ground into dust.
Here I am.
See me, see me not.
Nothing matters.




I can feel You holding me.
Even when I don't think I do.
I can hear You softly whisper to me.
Even when I din't think I do.
Truth is, You are always with me.
And that's a fact.
I know there is no denying.
But I still do. 
Just like when the rooster crowed.
I still think I doubt.
I still wander away.
Looking for, I don't know what.
It fills me with such sorrow.
To know I cause You great sorrow.
I know that You love me.
But I can't explain why I do what I do.
I just do, without giving it a single thought.
Still You remain.
Right here by my side.
Forever faithful.
Day or night.
I can see Your light shining down on me.
Even when I try to turn a blind eye.
There's no deterring You.
Nothing can stand between us.
And I do try.
I don't know why.
I can always know that You will be here for me.
I can always know that You are here with me.
You will never say good-bye to me.
You will always be loving me.
Even when I don't You.
In my heart I am grateful.
I don't even want to think where I'd be,
  without You.
I know I am nothing apart from You.
And I don't ever want that.
Forever with me, faithfully.


HOPE (Part two)

What is a life?
What does it mean?
Is there any real reason for it?
What is the purpose?
And what is my life for?
I am desperate to know.
I am barely holding on.
I am barely holding myself together.
Truth is, I don't know how to live.
I'm even afraid to try.
I feel as though I was thrust out into it.
Without any know how or preparation 
  of what to expect.
Everything came at me so hard.
It knocked me down hard, and more than once.
Leaving me cracked and slowly crumbling apart.
What am I supposed to do?
When I don't know how to.
I feel as though I'm spiralling endlessly.
Would someone please stop the world, 
  I want to get off.
There has to be more to life than all this.
There has to be a way through for me.
Right now, I just do not know!
I am continually taken for a fool.
I am just too trusting.
I am manipulated and taken advantage of.
Is this my fault?
Am I to blame for all this?
Down on my knees.
In visible silence.
Oh, how that silence screams!
I just cannot take it any more.
What am I to do?
Trying to hold on, needing to let go.
I see the irony of it all.
But it just angers me.
Where am I supposed to go?
When I have nowhere to go.
All these questions, all without answers.
I am so weary.
So very sick of it all.
I just want a little peace.
Is that too much to ask for?
Do I not deserve as much?
I don't know where I am, or even who I am.
So why try to continue?
Without knowing why, how can I?
Or maybe I do know.
Somewhere deep down inside me.
Maybe I can find all the answers that I seek.
And all that I am looking for, whatever that is.
Now I feel a slight stirring of hope in my heart.
I will go on.
I will press on the best I can.
Such as I am.
Maybe I was looking for something 
  in all the wrong places.
Maybe I knew everything from the start 
  and didn't even know it.
 Now I can see everything in a whole new light.
I feel renewed, revived.
I have a little bit of hope to hold onto.
I believe that little bit of hope will take
  me a long, long way.
I'm not ready to give up just yet.
I will not give up just yet.
Here's to lasting hope.



I see the sunshine through the cracks 
   in the darkness.
The light is rising.
The dark is dying.
The light devours the dark.
Warmth covers.
My frozen heart beats again.
My soul breathes for the first time again.
I inhale sweetness.
I see the beauty that I was blind to.
Life is alive again.
Death is dead and buried.
I feel the sun shining on my face.
I feel the wind take me to soaring.
This is where I want to be.
This is where I love to be.
This is where I belong.
Up above all of the heavens.
I fly straight into the sun.
I know its' brilliance.
It electrifies me.
It courses all through me.
Once dead, now alive.
Once asleep, now awake.
I am alive.
And it feels good.



I look at you.
You're a a stranger to me.
But at the same time, you seem very familiar.
You frighten me for some reason.
I try to walk away, but you follow.
I try to run away, you keep pace.
What do you want from me?
What am I to you?
Please go away and leave me alone.
I don't want you near me.
No where close in fact.
Now you're in my head.
Why are you haunting me?
Why are trying to entice me?
I want nothing to do with you.
Still you remain, WHY?!
Who are you?
I want to cut you out of me.
But your roots go deep into me.
You've become a part of me.
And I hate you for it.
I hate myself for allowing it.
Then I realize, I have been staring into a mirror.
I put my fist into that mirror.
I've been staring at myself the whole time.
It was me that I've been fighting with 
  the whole time.
It was the ghost of me.



The tears come like a mighty torrent over me.
Washing me away.
I am helpless.
I cannot keep my head above the water.
I swallow all my tears, choking on them.
I am being pulled under, deeper and deeper.
I am drowning in my own sorrow.
There is no saving me.
I am lost.
Lying on the bottom, I see only the murkiness
  that is my so-called life.
My eyes sting, so I close them tight.
I don't want to see any more anyway.
As the pressure is crushing me.
Implosion is imminent.
As the darkness of hopelessness penetrates me.
I cannot help but absorb it all, 
  becoming saturated.
Here I am drowning.
I swallow and choke.
I convulse and close my eyes.
I am no more.
My existence becomes non-existent.
You will never find me. 
It's too late for rescue.
You won't even be able to recover my shell.
The down envelopes and swallows me.
I am gone.




I can hear you quite clearly, quite loud actually.
You're in my mind.
You make so much noise.
You take all peace of mind from me.
Then make more noise.
I just cannot get away from you.
I want you to leave.
Just leave me alone!
You pushed me to the edge 
  then pushed me over it.
Reaching terminal velocity I came to rock bottom
  and smashed right through it.
There just isn't any end to all of this.
And it fills me with so much anger and rage.
Which makes me suffer for it.
And you just laugh at me.
I know you derive some perverse pleasure
  from my suffering.
The pressure continues to grow.
I clench my fists as if I was going to fight
  someone not there.
Reality grows hazy.
I'd scream out loud but my voice is broken.
Like my tongue was cut out.
I hear your laughter again.
There's a tear in my mind, and you have blood
  on your hands.
You might as well be getting away with murder.
Down on my knees, someone please hear me!
Please save me from this.
Even from myself.
I feel trapped here.
With no hope of release.
Is there anyone there?
Can anyone hear me?



I have a picture in my mind 
  of how life should be.
I am so disappointed that life just does 
  not measure up.
My expectations are high.
Too high I guess.
But I just want life to be the way it should.
I am not expecting much.
Or am I?
In my life I am alone.
I am naked and cold.
Loneliness and despair, my only companions.
This isn't how it should be for me.
I deserve better.
I deserve more.
I do not think I am expecting too much.
I do not think I am wanting too much.
I do not think I am asking for too much.
Is this how life is meant to be?
Have I been wrong all along?
It's just that I hate that my life is dead,
  dead to me.
And I feel it's all my fault.
It is my life after all isn't it?
I made all the choices.
I made the decisions.
I have heard that life is what you make it.
If that's true, then I sure have made a mess 
  of it.
And I am at fault.
Can I change it?
If so; how?
I am all on my own.
I am just a man, a poor excuse for one at that.
I still have this picture in my mind 
  of how life should be.
And I struggle with how life is
  and how I believe it should.
It is taking so much out of me.
I grow so weary.
Should I just give up?
Should I just give in?
I am even too tired to do that.
It is just not fair that life is the way it is 
  for me.
I am so sick of it all.
It makes me so angry.
I am so frustrated.
I hate that I feel so helpless.
Life is that it is.
In chaos and anarchy.
I would rage for order.
But I just haven't the strength in me.
I cannot carry on any more.
Life can go on, but, without me.
I don't want any of this.
It just sickens me.
The way life is.
It pulls and pushes me.
My heartstrings are fraying.
My seams are coming undone.
My hinges are breaking.
I don't want any of this.
This isn't how I want life to be.




Storms come and everything comes apart.
The sky falls.
Everything cracks and crumbles apart.
The world is put to flame and razed.
The air is sucked out of everything.
Everything that was known is destroyed.
All hope is gone.
Tears fall like rain.
You're on your knees because 
  you can no longer stand.
Your mind is left in fragments.
Your world is in ruins, ashes.
There is nothing left.
Only despair.
What will you do now?




Love raised me from my deep, dark depths.
Put me back on my feet.
Then assured me that I would be loved 
  for all of eternity.
I may continue to fall, I am a man after all.
Prone to wander.
But love always come after me
  and takes me back home where I belong.
The loneliness in me is now gone.
The cursed darkness has followed it.
Now I am free.
A slave no more.
I can see the Son shining over me.
The guilt and shame are now dead.
Now I can see all the beauty all around me.
I feel alive for the first time.
With love in my heart.
My heart can now breathe and expand.
No more bounds, no more barriers.
There is free life in me.
Love is for me.
Love is for sharing too.
That I can do.
Love is for giving, and love is forgiving.
Of this I can testify.
Love gives me hope in myself.
I thought hope was dead in me.
But now I can feel the hope rising.
I can now soar up above 
  where the angels go.
Above all of the heavens.
Into a starlit sky.
Oh what beauty this is!
This is the love I know, the love 
  I must show.
Radiate, illuminate!



If beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
  then obviously you have to look deep.
Looking on the outside can be deceptive.
Who the person really is is on the inside.
In the heart and soul is where they hide.
Unseen to most, seen by One.
We are capable of the same.
We're just lazy about it.
It takes time to get to know a person.
Some have many layers.
Some not so much.
It's a true art to be able to look into someone's
 eyes and see their very soul.
But not impossible.
You just have to take the time.
Do not look at someone and expect to see a 
  reflection of yourself.
We are all individuals.
Unique and extraordinary.
Some wear a mask.
Because they've been hurt in the past.
You have to take a chance on them, 
  you just might be surprised at what you find
    behind that mask.
Some are bold.
You must be wary of them.
They tend to think of themselves as something
  they're not.
That's negativity to you.
Still, they're pretending for a reason.
Maybe they've been hurt too.
Either way they are loved by God.
And we can do no less.
If you cannot, then you have nothing to give
  that someone.
Always be yourself, who you really are.
Accept others for who they are no matter what.
Do not judge a person by what you see.
Choose your words carefully.
Everyone is fragile in their own way.




I hate what I have become.
It's all out of my control.
I do not understand anything.
And I fear what I don't understand 
  and what I cannot control.
The fear eats away at me.
It steals fragments from my fragmented mind.
As if I'm not missing pieces of me already.
I drop down crying an endless flow of tears.
They are blood red in colour.
Staining my soul.
Tearing my heart.
I am helpless.
I am hopeless.
I curse this so-called life I just cannot live.
I am afraid to even try.
Love is foreign to me.
I just cannot.
I curse myself.
Filled with despair.
Unable to fight back.
I go down in defeat.
God you seem to be absent from my life.
Where have you gone?
You have left me all alone.
Loneliness has swallowed me.
My sky has fallen down on me again.
All in my mind has been left scorched.
I only remember the bad memories.
I guess there weren't enough good memories
  worth remembering.
Making me feeling worthless.
All that was good in me has died.
Leaving me to face what is dark and cold
My life has yet to be lived.
My life began and ended way too soon.
I am lying in the middle of no man's land.
All wrapped by the steel barbs.
I am declared as missing, feared killed.
I am unable to surrender, 
  my tattered white flag has been burned.
I close my eyes but I witness the horror 
  within me everyday.
I see an endless, boundless living night mare
  and night terrors.
This is what I have become.
I have been razed.
I am left as ashes blown away 
  by the acrid smelling wind.
There is nothing left of me.
Not that there was very much there 
  in the first place.
Now I lay in an unmarked grave.
I am the unknown.
I cannot die, I live all this over and over again.
I curse this curse.
I curse this living hell.
What is the point?
There never was any reason for me being.
I cannot say any different.
This is where I am.
Enveloped by all that I was not.



You are the darkness in me.
You fill me with dread.
You know how to get into my mind.
You take some perverse pleasure in my sorrow.
I just can't shake you off of my back.
You know just what buttons to push 
  to bring me down.
You make me so angry.
Or is it me that makes myself angry?
Why do I let you get to me?
It's a battle I always seem to lose.
My life is a war.
Fighting with you.
Or is it me fighting with myself?
I just don't know.
I let you get away with murder.
My blood is spilled.
It's all on my own hands.
You should be the guilty one.
You always bring out the bad in me.
And I let you.
I am filled with frustration.
Rage and hate follow close behind.
This is my suffering.



I can sense your presence.
Your stench weighs heavy on the air.
I feel your icy fingers wrap 'round my throat.
Squeezing ever so slow.
To lengthen the time the pain lasts.
You whisper so softly to me.
I am seduced blindly.
As I choke and suffocate you dig your talons in.
You completely envelope me.
Your fangs bite deep into me.
Sucking the lifeblood right out of me.
You bleed me dry.
I am left helpless.
You have taken my strength, the little I had.
I cannot fight.
I cannot run.
A prisoner, a slave.
Why do I give in so readily?
Why do I follow so blindly?
My free will is gone.
Sucked out with my life.
Now I am just a hollow shell of a former man.
Just a broken skeleton.
Left to turn to dust.



Reality is deceptive.
Misshapen and contorted.
People take it and mould it into their own 
  fractious point-of-view.
It was one thing, then it becomes another.
It gets stretched almost to breaking.
When let go it becomes all twisted and knotty.
With no beginning and no end.
I reject reality.
I am not blind.
I know this world and all its' devices and vices.
I have been apart of it.
I have descended into the dark, and deep hole
  that people call reality.
Where we do what we want.
We are vile, evil, wicked.
Blind to all that they cannot, will not see.
They choose and then we are doomed to live 
  with that decision.
We fall so deep down.
We all jumped right off the edge.
The edge between sanity and insanity.
It's all so maddening.
And we all crashed so hard.
I crashed so hard I went right through 
  rock bottom.
There was no looking back up.
Spiralling out of control.
The world just cannot and will not see.
They'd rather live their own fantasy worlds.
Making their own reality.
Reality is false, an illusion.
One day it will all pass away.
It's the unseen that is eternal.
Call me a fool if you want.
Try and argue all you want.
I am not blind.
I see reality for what it is.
Just one big beautiful lie!



Everyone has such kind advice.
But it does me no good.
It does not offer me any real help.
I know you have the greatest of intentions.
But the road to hell is paved with good 
Words are all empty.
They just fall down before me.
No one knows me.
No one knows how I'm feeling.
So how can you presume to try and fix me?
You can't fix me.
I can't even fix me, no one can.
I'm not so sure I want to.
I just do not care.
I've had enough.
Before you open your hole don't!
This all is just too much for me.
I don't want anyone getting in my way.
You just end up walking all over me 
I am overwhelmed and frustrated.
I just do not understand.
I am broken, I am broken, BROKEN!!!
My tears are like frozen darts to my skin.
I try to figure all this out.
All I hear is the noise from someone 
  on the outside.
They just don't know.
How can you even say a thing?!
The noise in my head is bad enough.
I don't need you adding to it.
Please, all I need right now is someone 
  to lean on.
Someone that will just hold me.
I need a shoulder to cry on.
I need a soft touch to wipe away all my tears.
I am falling all apart.
I am coming all undone.
Don't even try to hold me together.
How can you when I cannot?
This is making me so angry.
I curse one and all.
I want to put my fist to everything.
I want to set loose my wrath and rage.
Just to show how I am feeling.
Just to see who'll go running away.
Just to see who will cower in fear.
Just to see who is willing to stay.
Even though how I am acting.
That's a true friend.
Something I am sorely lacking.
But then again it just doesn't matter any more.
Nothing matters any more.
I have grown so very weary.
Here I am again.
About to go down the same path I always do.
The one that leads only to naught.
I will fall, and I will fall hard.
Trying to walk and carry all these burdens.
All the pain, all the hurt, all the harms, 
  all the open wounds.
And keep having to stop and pick up 
  another piece of me.
Here I go again.
Down on myself again.
My greatest burden.
Down on me again.




My heart is cold steel.
My heart is solid ore.
It does not beat, it is not alive.
I am not alive.
My life is not lived.
My life is dead.
This is how I am every time You find me.
You look at me, not down on me.
I see only love in Your eyes.
Your radiance shines all around me.
You bring illumination to my darkness.
You melt my heart of cold steel.
You melt my heart of solid ore.
Your touch is so comforting.
Thawed, my tears flow.
Into Your hands.
You hold them all.
You know all I have hidden.
All the harms.
You use the water from those tears 
  to wash over me.
The flow, I absorb.
Instead of hurt and pain I only feel love.
You give me strength to stand.
I have been down for so long.
If not for You I would still be there.
Now I am standing, walking.
When I stumble, You reach out, lifting me up
  into Your mighty gentle arms.
Again I see that love in Your burning eyes.
As You carry me up and away.
As we go, I begin to cry.
You look into my eyes, You simply listen.
I am so thankful, so grateful for the love 
  You show me.
You have healed my broken and shattered 
  heart again.
You are the reason I am even alive right now.
I owe You everything.
My heart is beating.
My heart is breathing.
Your Name is tattooed on my heart.
I know You are alive in me.
I know You are here with me.
You are here.
You are here.
He is here.
He is here.
And I am alive!
I live!
He is here.
He is here.
Right here always.
Right here, right now.
I am alive, I live.
Your life has made me so.
I breathe that life in.
I breathe in Your grace.
I absorb Your love.
I trust, hope in You solely, wholly.
I am nothing apart from You, my Lord.
Who am I? That You call me friend,
  You call me brother.
I am a man full of shame.
And yet You still love me.
Even when I don't You.
Even when I don't me.
You heart is big enough.
Your love is enough.
I am covered.
Scars, wounds and all.
You take what is ugly and make it beautiful.
That is what and who You are to me.



There are days so dark I just cannot face them.
They go on forever.
The noise in my head almost  pushes me 
  over the brink.
I am overwhelmed and consumed.
Leaving nothing of me.
There are days that I feel so very cold.
I just want to cover up and wait for the day 
  to go on.
There are nights where I feel I just cannot go on.
Those nights I feel so all alone.
I curse the night.
For it is despair.
It is loneliness.
I just do not want to live here, not like this.
So I pray for release.
I cannot take this any more.
Not on my own.
I don't want to live any more.
I give up, I give in.
I let go.
There is no more hope for me.
I have been let down.
Oh how long the night goes on.
Oh how long the day seems to never end.
This is it.
There is no more.




The rains fall hard and cold.
Driving through me like spears.
I fall to my knees.
With my heart in my hands.
It's so fragile.
All cracked and missing pieces.
My tears mix with the rain as they run down 
  my body.
I am racked with pain.
From my sorrow, and anguish.
To be for me is agony.
I have faded to grey.
There is no more.
I can no longer go on.
Hope has fled from me.
I am utterly alone.
I am nothing.
Lesser than rot and decay.
I am swallowed.
I am consumed.
Everything is crashing down on me.
I am crushed.
I am broken.
I am a defect.
There is no reason.
There is no more why.
I don't care, I can't care.
Feelings have lied to me too many times.
What for more?




This world is coming unhinged.
Our idols to self are cracking and crumbling.
Our towers to heaven will soon all fall.
Man is foolishness.
Arrogant and ignorant.
We are but filthy rags all in tatters 
  blowing in the wind.
Evil and wickedness are prevalent.
Making good irrelevant.
Still, I shall carry on the best I can.
I shall press forward through all of this.
I can be pushed down.
But I shall not stay down.
I shall rise, and rise again.
I shall be a light.
I shall be a change in my world.
Nothing will stand in my way.
Nothing will stop my onslaught.
In my surrender I will be victorious.
I do not have to accept anything put
  in my world.
Nor will I.
I shall stand.
I shall not be deterred.
My resolve, unbreakable.
This is my life!
This is my world!
And I mean to keep it.
Gentlemen...THIS MEANS WAR!



I am far from perfect, but still I try.
I will endure the pain.
I will face the conflict.
I will overcome.
These are dark times.
I wonder where the love is.
Has everyone forgotten what the truth is?
We can overcome.
Hearts are being lost.
Cries are heard in silence.
This world is nowhere.
We will overcome!



I dream of a day where there is no oppression.
None are ridiculed for what and who they are.
Where none live in fear.
None live with the silence so deafening.
I dream of a world where there is no stigma.
No hate, no judgement, no more blame.
I dream of a world of love and truth.
Where we love others as ourselves.
Where we put the interests of others 
  before our own selves.
I dream of a world where we stand tall.
Where there is no segregation.
We can co-exist.
With no fighting, no murder, no suicide acts.
I dream of a world where religion is dead 
  and buried.
Where there is peace on earth.
No in-fighting.
Where love truly reigns over us all.
I dream of a world where I can serve
  and worship my God as I see fit.
No one questions me for such.
No one judges me for the same.
Where not even I do as I see in the world 
  around me.
I want to be a friend to all without mistrust.
I dream of a world where I no longer feel hurt 
  or pain.
Where I am my own best friend instead of
  my own worst enemy.
The shackles that bind me are loosed.
And my mind is in one piece and I know 
  peace of mind.
This is the world I dream of.
Can we? We can!




We are not the problem, 
  but we can be the solution.
We are alive and have the right to live.
Live as we choose.
Without someone telling us how all the time.
I am tired of breathing all the poison air that
  society spouts out all over.
We have the right not to be ridiculed.
We have the right not to be judged.
You don't have to understand fully,
  but least try a little empathy.
All I want is a soft shoulder to cry on.
Someone to let me bend their ear.
Not asking for too much.
I for one am going to stand my ground.
Right here is where I will make my stand.
The final stand if need be.
I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it 
  any more!
Why should I have to in the first place?
I have a heart, I have a brain, I have a soul.
Why must you keep trying to break me 
  all the time?
Do you even realize?
I have feelings, I have emotions.
Sure they're not working too well.
But they're still valid.
Am I not allowed a point-of-view?
Just like everyone else?
I just want you to listen.
You just might learn something.
It hurts so very much when I hear your
  hateful words.
But then again, I'm not allowed to feel; am I?!
We are forced to live underground.
We are forced to live in silence.
Oh how silence screams in my mind!
It's deafening.
Silence is what kills.
Our blood is on your hands.
This world is so uncaring.
So arrogant, it becomes ignorance.
I will say it to your face: 
Here I stand, I will be noticed.
I will be counted.
I cannot and will not be ignored!
NO! Not any more.
I am not going anywhere!
Here I am, willing to put up a fight.
See the burning in my eyes?
Solid is my resolve.
And you haven't seen anything yet!



You have been beat and abused, you are broken.
You cry an endless torrent of tears.
You want to end it all.
You cannot take any more.
You feel all alone, seemingly.
You would reach out, but for your lack of
You just want it all to stop.
You do not see or feel any more hope.
You lie in pieces on the cold, stained ground.
Naked and frozen there.
Please do not give up, or give in.
You are not the sum of all that you feel.
Feelings lie!
Please hold on, hold out one more night.
Just one more day.
Then one more night, one more day.
Listen to the whisper in your heart.
"Please do not stop now, you are still alive!"
Listen to that still, small voice.
"Keep giving it one more try."
The healing will come soon enough.
There is great comfort while healing.
Fear not any more.
You are stronger than you think.
Stand, take back your life!
No one can take it from you.
Just stand, live, fight!




I am just a man.
Just trying to make his way through life.
Just walking on through this night.
That seems to go on forever.
Right through the horizon.
I know what is right and wrong.
But I'm not always able to separate the two.
The thin line gets blurred quite often.
I just want to live and let live.
I don't need anything coming down on me.
But it's everything that always comes down
  on me.
I look for a way out but it's difficult for me.
The world is a fog for me.
A thorn in my side.
I can feel the blood seep from the open wound.
But I just cannot give up hope.
For it's all I have left in this life.
Without it I would have done myself in 
  a long time ago.
Hope is what I still hold onto. 
Even through all the hurt, the pain, 
  and the harms I have inflicted on myself.
And those afflictions perpetrated by others.
I have many footprints all over my back.
And many knives stick out of it.
I can't reach around to pull any of them out.
Still I hold on, I hold out.
Remembering that hope has never let me down,
  even when all others did.
All I curse is the darkness in me.
My own greatest enemy.
A war that's lasted on down through the ages.
A losing battle it is.
Mad at the world, mad at myself.
I have grown so very weary.
My body aches.
My strength has waned.
I just don't have the spirit to continue.
But still I hear that familiar whisper 
  in my mind.
That still, small voice.
"Don't give up now, give it one more try."
And so try I do.
That hope still remains.
Lifting me up.
Pushing me forwards.
Keeping me pressing on.
That is the hope I hold onto.
Let me reiterate, that hope has never let me 
I'm just a simple, ordinary man.
But I've seen the extraordinary.
I've seen hope rise.
I've seen love grow.
I've seen salvation.
I'm just a man trying to make his way
  the best he can.
Holding onto hope constantly.




I curse the darkness.
I curse the darkness in me.
I curse all that hurts and harms me.
I have partaken of the bread of shame.
I choked it all down.
I hate what I am.
I hate how I am.
I curse it all.
I curse this hell that I am living.
I curse my dead life.
I have drank from the pool of pity.
I could feel its' poison course through me.
I am anger.
I am rage.
I am wrath.
I curse the beast in me.
I curse the curse that I am.
I curse all the pain and sorrow.
I curse my suffering.
Affliction is on me.
Damned not to die, but damned to live.
I curse my life.
I curse every breath that I take.
I curse my very being.
I curse my measure in life.
There is no more.
Empty hands, empty heart, empty soul.
With my own blood on myself.
I curse it all.
I curse all that it has been brought upon me.
It's killing me.
I'm killing me.
I curse myself.



I don't want to hear that there's hope.
I already know that.
It's that I just don't care.
How's that going to help me right now?
Right now is where I am.
Broken, bleeding out, tears flowing.
Don't tell me it's all going to work out.
I just don't believe it right now.
I don't want you to try and help me.
There is no helping me.
I don't want it.
There are no easy answers to my questions.
So don't even bother.
Keep your inspiring quotes to yourself.
Beautiful passages are not for me right now.
It's so easy for you to say.
But I don't want to hear it.
Besides you just don't know what 
  you're talking about.
Everything you say is so out of context.
You'll just have to excuse my attitude right now.
And keep yours to yourself.
You're not helping any.
Leave me alone.
Just leave me.
I don't your help or any help for that matter.
Leave me in peace as I wrestle with myself.
I know you have well meaning intentions.
But the road to hell is paved
  with good intentions.
And I don't care about your intentions.
I don't want them.



Everything falls, everything falls all at once.
There never is any cover.
I am always being crushed.
Here comes the crash.
I will crash hard.
I will ignite, I will burn.
For me there is no way out.
As I am consumed.



You are a soul-eater.
I am consumed.
You sucked me dry.
All my life blood.
Leaving me a shadow of my former self.
I cannot live.
I haven't the strength.
You drained me completely.
Now I haven't the energy.
To stand and carry on.
You took my life from me.
You left me with nothing.
Now I am here naked, cold and alone.
I live in fear  of ridicule and judgement.
I don't want any labels put on me.
The abuse would be too much for me.
So here I am.
Introverted and quarantined.
Locked in a prison of my own making.
In a cell of six walls, no windows, no door.
You're the one who drove me here.
You got to me, you got to my mind.
Just leave me deranged.
Violent means lead to a violent end.
I am angry.
I am hateful.
I am enraged.
This is how I suffer.
This is my sorrow.
Is not this the way you'd have me?
This is the way I am.
Naked, cold, and alone.




All that I have is nothing.
What I am is nothing,
Who I am is what matters.
That's where I am, where I live.
I lose who I am sometimes.
Forgetting who I am.
Losing myself along the way.
But I always seem to come back to myself.
Sometimes I feel so far away from myself.
But I am never really too far away from me.
I don't always like how I am.
For it scares me.
I'm not always at my best.
I know I am not perfect.
That doesn't mean I have to stop.
I will always keep trying, even though
  I don't always want to.
Even when I just cannot.
Inside I feel so old.
I have grown so very weary.
I just don't have the strength that I used to.
There just isn't that much fight left in me.
I am weathered.
I am worn.
I am distressed.
I feel like I am withering away sometimes.
But I remember one thing I know for sure.
Feelings tend to lie.
I have been lying to myself for far too long.
I am broken, I am not okay.
This I know oh too well.
That's just the way it is, the way I am.
Really doesn't mean that much though.
The only thing that really matters to me, 
  is that I am still alive.
That's not just something, that's everything!
I will continue to carry on.
I will keep pressing forth.
And when I fall and can't get back up, I know
  there is One who will come and pick me up
    and carry me away.
That is my hope, my faith.
I depend on God's grace and love wholly and 
When I depend on others and myself 
  I am always let down.
Everyone lies.
But You remain faithful always.
Remaining true, never leaving or forsaking me.
In Your embrace I am home.
I feel assured.
That is everything to me.
God, without You I am nothing.
Apart from You there is nothing.
You make me me, You make me who I am.
That is all that matters to me.



Looks like my life has passed me by.
Looks like it has gone on without me.
Leaving me behind standing in a fog.
That's how it is for me.
Not a wanna be, a never was.
So here I am standing on the side of the road.
Here I am alone and crying.
Naked and cold.
Where did it all go?
What happened to everything?
One day I was alive, the next I was not.
I blinked and saw my whole life flash before 
  my eyes.
There wasn't anything there.
Looks like I was never alive but dead.
I drop down to my knees.
I cannot breathe.
I am hyperventilating.
All this is so overwhelming.
It's too much for my fragmented mind 
  to comprehend.
Looks like I have wasted all of my years.
Looks like I have wasted all of my life.
My life is a life yet lived.
I have lived as dead.
Depression and anger seem to be my lot in life.
Loneliness, my measure.
I am down and cannot get back up.
I cannot go on.
Not that I was going anywhere in the first place.
My life just seems.
My reality isn't real.
Just me, a broken man staring 
  into a broken mirror.
My gaze is fixed, unable to look away.
I have stopped, dropped and burned.
There is no saving me now.
My salvation has passed me on by.
Call me forsaken.
Call me forgotten.
Redemption is out of reach for me.
Looks like I have lost out.
Afraid to live, afraid to even try.
Looks like this is the end for me.
I will fade away now.
Let the cold dark overcome me.
Despair will envelope me.
I will close the eyes that were never open.
Looks like this is it for me.
I will give up before I even begin.




Everyone and everything lies.
Emotions betray always.
Despair covers everything.
A veil that darkens it all.
Blinding, separating.
My heart is crushed.
My hopes cast away.
Leaving me empty.
Just a hollow shell of a man am I.
I live in a world that is spinning faster and 
  faster into oblivion.
I am unsure of everything these dark days.
Oh, how my soul aches.
Time, what of it?
That debt has come due.
Any wages have escaped me.
I was shielded for so long.
I do not know how to fight.
Confusion quickly becomes frustration.
My mind just won't work right.
Broken, I am broken.
Falling, I am falling apart.
It's all raining down on me now.
Acid covering me.
Caustic and corrosive.
No flesh, no bone.



I have tried so very hard.
Only to fail.
I did my very best.
Just to have it be not enough.
I want to believe.
How can I when all this is hanging over me?
I want to turn it all around.
How can I if I cannot see where I am going?
I have reached out.
Only to grasp a hold of empty air.
I have cried out.
Only to have my cries fall on deaf ears.
How can I have any hope?
When all I see is despair.
Who will save me from myself?
When I could not myself.
Who will understand?
When I cannot.
Where can I go?
When I am in the middle of nowhere.
How can I rest?
If I am always restless.
How can I still have faith?
When my heart and soul are broken.
How am I supposed to know?
If I don't know.
Who will catch me?
When I've already slammed into rock bottom.
How can I hear anything?
When the silence is deafening.
How can I see anything?
When the light is blinding.
How can I live?
When I am dead already.



Desperate to hold on.
I'm not ready to die just yet.
My strength is failing.
My resolve waning.
But I am still here.
I am still alive, and as long as I am
  I will continue.
Desperate to let go.
My burdens weigh me down.
Slowly crushing me underneath.
I suffocate under all the weight.
But I am still here.
I am still alive, and as long as I am
  I will continue.
I will press on.
I will push on.
I will carry on.
I will walk on.
I must sojourn.
I will continue, I will continue on.
And if it kills me, so be it.
At least I can say I did it.
So, I will continue even on to the end.
Not till I reach my destination.
Welcomed into eternity.
Only then will I stop to rest.
Till then I will live, I will continue.



Inhale, exhale, my heart is breathing.
My soul is expanding.
I fall, I rise.
I am alive, I am living.
I am holding on with an iron grip.
I am not letting go.
This is my life, I mean to keep it.
Try to take it, I will fight for it, I will die for it.
Under these darkened skies I will make my 
I am resolved, I will not be daunted.
Look me in the eyes, there's a fire burning there.
A reflection of my soul.
Inhale, exhale... I am alive.
I am still alive.
I mean to stay this way.
No man can take that from me, no, not even me.




 I see the world through dark sight.
The world is blind.
It's impending implosion is drawing nigh.
All seems hopeless.
All seems lost.
There doesn't seem any reason to carry on.
The black and white have been marred into one
  becoming seemingly grey.
But that still leaves a question.
What does that mean?
It seems we are making excuses for our sin.
I see the world bled of all colour.
As the sun burns red.
The world is cracked.
The world is crumbling apart.
Has love left us behind?
And truth has become a lie.
With fact being fiction.
Fiction being the new religion.
We follow so blindly.
Believing we are walking in faith.
This is blind faith.
Another truth become lie.
There is no ore belief.
Not in  Man, not in spirituality, not in God, 
  nor in false idols.
We do what we want and damn the
Nor fear of retributions.
No fear of tribulations.
We are alive but we do not know how to live.
We don't even realize the state of the world.
These are dire times.
These are dark times.
These are desperate times.
As for me, I still believe in the good in Man.
I still believe we can learn to be again, 
  to exist again.
I still believe in hope for all of Mankind.
Without hope this world is going to Hell.
It will swallow itself.
So let us love.
Let us revive.
Let us renew.
Let us live, and not just that, but thrive.
We're all out of chances.
We've used up all nine of our lives.
This is it.
This is the time.
Right now, right here.
Let us hold each other tight.
And let us love.



I am angry in my heart.
I am angry because of your hate.
Because of the judgement that falls on my head.
Because of the ridicule I have lived with.
I am angry because of all the arrogance.
I am angry because of all the ignorance.
I feel hurt.
I feel pain.
I feel fear.
I am angry.
I am angry because I am angry.
Everyone lies.
Everyone lies!
I am the unseen.
I am the unknown.
I am the forgotten.
The love in me has died.
I am angry.
You have hurt me.
You have harmed me.
Innocence ripped from me.
Hope turned hopeless.
Darkness descends upon me.
I inhale, I exhale fire.
I am angry.
See the fire in my eyes?
Anger feeds that fire.
I have been put down.
I have been broken.
I am wounded.
I am calloused.
My scars still weep.
Can someone tell me?
I am angry.
I am angry in my heart.



You do not see me.
You do not hear me.
That does not mean that I am not there.
I exist, I am alive.
You cannot ignore me forever.
I am not going anywhere.
I will not be silent.
I am not invisible, rather in visible.
You can no longer turn a blind eye to me.
I will stand, I will be counted.
I matter, I am not something, I am someone.
I hurt, I bleed.
I am wounded, I am stricken.
I am diseased, I am sick.
But you don't see it that way.
You say it's all in my mind.
Of course it is.
That's what is sick.
You are so arrogant, you are ignorant.
So I am ignored.
I am forgotten.
You do not see me dying slowly.
You do not see my mind deteriorating.
As I sink into myself.
Despair overcomes me.
Your retribution holds me down.
You are the poison that I choke on.
You are why I am this I am.
I am terminal.
I will die.
You will never see me.
You will never hear me.
But you will.
I am not alone.
Anger and hate can be a terrible thing.
Especially when one is sick.
Everyone has their breaking point.
And when I do.
You will see me then.
You will hear me then.
But it will be too late.
The damage will already be done.
But you will never accept responsibility.
You will put it all back on me.
Pointing the shaking finger of blame squarely 
  at me.
How can I defend myself when I don't know 
  what is going on.
The me I was is now gone.
You could have saved me.
But you did not care.
You could not see past yourself.
Now look at the mess that I have brought.
The finger of blame should point directly at you.
I am now dead.
I died at my own hands.
But my blood is on your hands.
Even though you are getting away with murder.
But the stain is still on your heart.
Forget about me you will.
But I am not the only one.
We all have our breaking point.
And more blood will be spilled.
Because you just cannot accept our disease for
  what it is.
We are ill, we are sick, we are not afflicted.
Afflicted is how you try to make us out to be.
We will continue to die.
Hollow words and even more so empty actions.
Will not save a single one.
We want a cure, there has to be a cure.
It just needs to be searched for and found.
But that will never happen as long as you 
  continue to believe your own lies.
For too many it is too late.
Executed at their own hands but it was you
  pulling the strings.
Why do we have to suffer at all?
And worse off suffer in silence.
There is no hope.
Only desperation.
Lives are being stolen.
The numbers of the dead are growing.
Why does it have to be this way?
Why do we never learn?
We die every day.
We die silently.
We die.




I walk this land as my own.
I can feel the eyes watching me.
I can feel hot breath breathing down the back of 
  my neck.
I know I am not alone.
There is one following after me.
I know there is many waiting to pounce on me.
I am not blind to them all.
I know they are there.
I will not lie.
It fills me with uneasiness.
For I know I am weak.
But I remember that I am also with another.
One who walks beside me.
One who goes before me.
One who follows up after me.
And I can feel the fire inside of me 
  begin to rage.
The uneasiness becomes assurance.
For my Saviour, my Friend, my Brother stands
  with me.
He will strike down any who come against me.
The roaring lion's mouth is snapped shut.
The wolves in lamb's clothing are disrobed.
As I walk along I will fear not.
As I walk through all of the darkness.
I will fear not.
For He is with me always.
He is my refuge, He is my shelter.
My hope and my faith.
I'm still following that star that first lead me to 
  where we first met.
And all the evil around me will fall 
  to the wayside.
As my cracked voice cries out enraptured.
The war is over, the war is over, the war is over!
For in surrender there came a victory.
Death for me is dead.
I walk this land as my own but not of my own.
For this life of mine is in service to His Majesty.
I will fall, I will be pulled down, 
  but I will always rise and rise again.
As weak as I am, strong is my hope in my faith 
  in Him.
I will stray, but He will always bring me back 
No matter what He is here with me.
Walking shoulder to shoulder with me.
Carrying me when I am wounded.
Healing me, giving me a scar.
A voice to remind me just how much I am loved.
Just what and who it took to bring me through.
So sojourn is my life.
The borrowed time is temporary and fleeting.
I will get my rest when my journey is over.
I will lay down when I reach my destination.
Till then I press on, I carry on, I fight on,
  on and on the best I can.
For I am not alone in this or in anything.
Evil cannot overcome me, evil is overcome.
Greater is He who is in me than he 
  who is in the world.
And I will fear not for He is with me all the way.



Every day you have taken from me.
I am feeling down.
I am feeling empty.
You have taken everything from me.
I am a hollow shell of my former self.
Still you continue to take from me.
But you can't take something from nothing.
Nothing is how I feel.
Nothing is what I've become.
I don't even have anything left to give.
You have sucked the life right out of me.
I can't even lift myself up.
I can't even move.
So here I lie decaying, rotting.
I am hopeless, I am lifeless.
It even hurts to breathe.
It just plain hurts to be.
Why don't you take what is left of me?
Or do you want to torture and torment me?
You are in my mind.
You have torn my heart and soul apart.
And you have scattered all the pieces all around.
You must take some perverse pleasure out of this.
You laugh as I cry.
I just do not understand.
I do not deserve any of this.
I did not ask for any of this.
God I am crying to You.
God, will You please come and rescue me?
Please pick me up and carry me away from here.
Put the blade to my foe.
Cleave him right down the middle.
Put his rotting carcass to flame.
May the ashes rise and blow away into nothing.
Lord, my Lord, will You please breathe life
  back into me?
Can You replace all that was taken.
Can You make me whole again?
I believe You will.
Please make something out of the nothing 
  that I am.
Teach me to live again.
Teach me to love and forgive again.
With You in me I will rise again.
I will stand again.
I will be again.
I will inhale with no pain.
I will exhale, I am alive!
Thank You.




I have been so far down.
I could not even begin to see up.
I was cold and frightened.
Loneliness was my only companion.
My mind had fragmented even more.
"I cannot be fixed," I thought to myself.
Hope was so far gone.
I din't know where I was going.
Or even where I had been for that matter.
The noise in my head was deafening.
I had my eyes closed so tight.
The pressure on me was immense.
It was slowly crushing me.
I was cracking and I was bleeding out.
I was crumbling before my very eyes.
I fought just to breathe.
I fought back the hurt and the pain.
But it was all futile.
I was coming apart at the seams.
The pressure at the hinges was breaking them.
My heartstrings were all fraying and snapping.
I could not see any more.
I could not feel good any more.
I was far beyond not well.
I was not okay, not that I was ever.
There is no going back now for me.
I am way beyond the point-of-no-return.
I reached terminal velocity and 
  had crashed and burned.
There was nothing of me left, or at least,
  very little.
What little there was was quite broken.
That's where I was, lying on my face
  in the dirt.
I was just waiting for the darkness and despair
  to consume me.
All this had become the sum of everything
  that I was.
Somehow I just could not accept this for myself.
There had to be something else for me.
Something more that I could rise to.
Was all this really real anyway?
I questioned everything.
This has to end in order for me to begin again.
This is not me.
This is not who I am.
But rising above was a daunting task.
And I was so afraid.
Desperate to let it all go.
Desperate to hold on so I would not fall.
Where I had been, where I was, and 
  where I was heading separated me.
With all that I was I was all in little pieces.
Who could make me whole again?
Who could give me what I needed?
Who could save me from myself?
I am looking to you.
Just where are you?
Can you carry me up out of all this?
Can I put all my trust and hope in you?
Will you hold onto me and never let me down?
I need to know who I am.
I have so many questions.
I am so filled with doubt.
So many have lied to me.
So many have betrayed me.
Let me down and left me behind.
Somehow it was always all my fault.
Can you make me new again?
Can you show me the love I have never known.
I come to you, all in pieces, make me whole 
  again  please.
Here I am waiting for you.
Here I am believing in you.
I am still unsure.
My mind is still in fragments.
My heart is still broken.
My soul is still torn.
I am looking for you.
I am looking to you.
Here I am with all that I have, I am all I have.



Here I am again.
Down on bloodied hands and knees.
I've made a mess of my life again.
I've come undone again.
I'm alone and crying.
I am desperate.
I am overwhelmed.
I cannot go on any more.
Please Father, just hold me.
I am feeling so cold, I am shaking.
I feel crushed.
I feel broken.
Here You are, right here with me.
You never really are far.
I fall, You pick me up and carry me away.
I can hear You singing a sweet melody to me.
It comforts me.
Oh how You, and You alone, love a man 
  such as I am.
I feel the warmth of Your grace and love.
I am never really alone am I?
Not when You are always here with and for me.
I will speak of You for all of my days.
I am so grateful.
I can never thank You enough.
It just is never enough to me.
But I can only say thank You.
It's all I can give You back.
After all You have done for me.
What have I done for You?
But You are always faithful and true,
  to answer and love me.
Your boundless grace and unfailing love will
  forever reign over me.
Oh Lord, reign on me for all eternity!




Who made you any kind of authority?
The judge of all.
You will be the first to fall.
Your pride blinds you to that.
Your ways are right in your own eyes.
But I think you're misleading.
You are so transparent, you and your vain glory.
Your anger shows through.
From your bottomless pit of hate.
I pity you.
For I was you.
I choked on my own words.
I swallowed my own poison.
I was so sick.
Then I realized it was me I was directing 
  everything at.
I was my biggest problem.
My own worst enemy.
It was me I was angry with.
It was me that I hated.
Now I can see that love should be the motive 
  for everything.
Now I see through clear eyes.
I still am not perfect.
I'm not always right.
But I call them as I see them.
And I can see right through you.
Be careful, there is a coming fall.



Handed over as a criminal.
Tormented and tortured.
Flesh was torn from flesh.
Covered in free flowing blood.
Mocked with a crown of thorns 
  placed upon His brow.
Led away, had dung and refuse thrown at Him.
Carried His own cross.
Salt and vinegar were pored on His wounds.
He drank sour wine.
His broken body was placed on the cross of 
  splintered wood.
Rusty spikes were nailed into His wrists
  and ankles.
Slowly suffocated, He could not lift His broken
  body to breathe.
Some laughed and made jest.
Some mourned, crying out loud.
The sky turned blacker than black, 
  then it cracked.
One could almost hear God's heart break.
As the veil in the temple fell, rent in two.
The ground heaved.
As He cried "IT IS FINISHED!"
With that God's own Son gave up His spirit 
  unto death.
All grew deathly still.
As He was lowered down, wrapped in linen, and
  carried away.
Only to be placed in a borrowed tomb.
The opening blocked by a mighty stone.
The Lord of lords, the King of kings was dead.
Three days past.
The stone was found shattered into dust.
The tomb found empty for the shroud 
  that had wrapped Christ's body.
Nailed, dead, risen.
He had risen!
Then gave His Spirit to comfort all generations 
  to follow.
The prophecy fulfilled!
Sins forgiven to whosoever believed Him 
  their Saviour.
The Way, the Truth, the Life.




Who am I?
What am I?
Why am I?
I need a reason.
For how come I am here.
I'm holding my heart in my hands.
It's broken and cracked.
Blood seeps through my fingers.
Making a mess on the floor.
Tears stream down my face.
Falling down to mix with my blood on the floor.
My understanding is finite.
I just fail to see the answers I am looking for.
I am down on my cut and scraped knees.
I am so very weary.
I often find myself down here.
Hopeless is how I feel.
Despair accompanies.
God, who am I to you?
Maybe you can tell me.
I'm not asking much.
Please, just tell me what I need to hear.
Show me where I can find what I am looking
Even though I'm not sure just what exactly 
  that is.
I'm begging you.
I'm pleading with you.
There has got to be more to me 
  than what I can see.
I'm holding out, I'm holding on, 
  but only just barely.
Here I am waiting.
The silence is deafening.
The silence is killing me.
I know I must be less than nothing.
I just hope that you can see me.
I just hope you can hear me.
God please, just tell me.
Who am I?
What am I?
Why am I?
Is there anything more to me?
Is there more than just the sum of everything
  that I can figure out?
Here I am down on cut and scraped knees.
Oh God please....




You can, you are.
Nothing stands in your way.
Nothing will hold you back.
You are no longer bound.
You are free to expand.
You are free to be.
Inhale then exhale.
You are alive.
You have reason, you have purpose, 
  you have meaning.
Rise, stand, be counted.
You are here.
Soar, shine.
Ignite, come to life.
You are on fire, burn baby burn.
Put the world to flame.
May that flame grow and spread, consuming.
You are someone to be reckoned with.
The devil will take notice of you.
You are of note to him.
Where you once feared.
Love has cast it off.
Now you are free to be.


(13) Surviving Abuse

(13) Surviving Abuse



I am at war with myself.
With who I was, who I am, and
  who I want to be.
And I am caught in the middle of the crossfire.
I am coming under friendly fire.
I am shooting at myself.
My own worst enemy.
Wounded at my own hand.
The blood on my hands is my own.
A stain that will never wash away.
This is my life, a battlefield.
Desolate and lifeless.
Living my very own stalemate.
Never gaining any ground, 
  never losing any ground.
I am dug in for the long haul.
I see no end to all of this at all.
The sky and earth are scorched.
As everything comes raining down on me.
I've no shelter, I live in squalor, up to my knees
  in muck and mire.
This is where I am, with nowhere to go.
I am frightened by all of the noise.
Does it come from within or does it come from 
This is my war.
I fight with myself.
Offensive after offensive.
It's never over for me.
I've forgotten what inner peace was.
I am trapped 'neath the fray.
I am blown apart.
I am torn apart.
My own flack and shrapnel pierces my soul.
I have grown so weary of it all.
I was the one who started it all.
I will be the one who will end it all.
There is no surrender for me.
As I come under another barrage.
Enough is enough, I've had enough.
But my white flag is stained crimson.
Stained with my own blood.
I am barely alive.
Life is ready to leave me.
Maybe then I will finally know peace.
I am overcome.
I am put asunder.
I have been lost.
I have run myself through with my own blade.
Now I lay dying, breathing in the acrid smell 
  of decay.
I have been at war with myself for far too long,
  an entire lifetime.
There is no victory, there is no defeat.
All is in ruin.
And the cost was high.
But I continue to fight with myself, even though
  there's nothing left of me.