I don't know.
I never did.
Life is confusing.
It is constantly changing.
I am miserable.
Everything is in chaos.
I want to feel numb.
I want to feel pain rather than nothing at all.
I don't know what's right.
I don't know what's wrong.
All I know is that I am not there.
I walk through a minefield.
I am mired down in the crimson mud.
Life rains down on me.
I am diseased.
I am incurable.
It hurts to move.
It hurts to breathe.
It hurts to think.
I am slowly bleeding out from my wounds.
I am cut wide open.
I choke on my own life blood.
I am still desperately clinging to hope.
There has to be a way out.
There has to be a way to escape from all this.
A way to leave all this behind.
Maybe I am just blind to it.
I am afraid to live.
Even to try.
I am afraid to die.
Even to try.
Oh God, where are You in all this?
I cannot take any more.
I cannot take being alone.
I never could.
I don't know why I tried.
I am just not strong enough.
I blame my own ignorance.
I am so arrogant.
I am such a fool.
God please, save me from me.
My own worst enemy.
I am defeated.
My hands are covered in my own blood.
What was I thinking?
How could I think I would get away with murder?
All I know is that I want to get away from here.
Far away from all this.
God please, don't turn Your back on me just like everyone else.
My need far surpasses what I can give.
My burdens are just too much for me to hold myself erect.
Down on scraped and bloodied knees.
Then face down on the ground.
The burdens are crushing me beneath their weight.
Jesus, Saviour, please save me.
I need You, I need You now, I You now more than ever.
I am almost at terminal velocity.
I will soon crash and burn.
Rock bottom is racing up to meet me.
There's no avoiding it.
I will not survive this this time.
I close my leaking eyes.
They instantly freeze shut.
I am reaching out with a feeble hand.
I cry out.
My voice is hoarse.
The only noise I make is silence.
God please hear me.
Please, I don't want to die like this.
Please, I do not want to die.
I am afraid.
My apathy brought me here.
I blame only myself.
How did I get here in the first place?
How did everything come all undone and cave in on me?
I hit rock bottom and kept on going.
My grasp on my hope is slipping.
God, where are You right now?
It is hard for me to see You.
I have x's for eyes.
My mouth has been sewn shut tight.
I burn with a cold heat.
All that was good in me has been stolen away.
I didn't even see it coming.
Or did I?
Did I just ignore it all?
Did I just turn a blind eye?
Not wanting to face what's wrong in me.
Hoping it would just all go away on its own.
I did not bury my head in the ground.
I buried my whole body.
And the pressure crushed me.
Now I am about to implode.
From all the pressure that's built up in me over an entire lifetime.
All those wasted years.
I let them all go.
Now I am paying the unpayable price for it.
Just look at me now.
All alone in the middle of nowhere.
Living on the outskirts of life.
Always on the wrong side.
I am on the outside looking in through dirty, cracked panes of glass.
And the driving rain is so cold.
I can feel the cold all the way to my very core.
I want to die, but I am already dead.
Did I ever live?
What is never used is atrophied.
I cannot say that I miss anything.
You cannot miss what you never had.
I am less than nothing.
Nothing from nothing still equals nothing.
Oh how I wish that I didn't care.
Maybe it all would not hurt like it does.
But I do, for some stupid reason.
From somewhere deep within my Heart of Hearts I still have will.
I still have a will to live.
I am not ready to die, not just yet.
I am not done yet.
Not done what?
Maybe I'm not done causing myself harm.
All I know is that I still loathe myself.
It's all that I know.
I have never known any different.
I have always gone my own way, on my own terms.
I thought I knew better.
Even though I knew it wasn't true.
God, I know I turned my back on You and walked away.
I haven't any excuses that would make it all better.
Nothing I say or do will take away all the pain and dishonour I bring on You.
I know I don't deserve any help from You.
But only You can help me now.
Only You can save me now.
I am too far gone.
I've even lost myself.
Oh God I am so sorry.
I know that being sorry just does not seem the right thing to say nor does it seem enough.
But what else can I say?
What else can I do?
I can never make it right.
God please forgive me.
I know I am my own curse.
That is what my so-called life has become.
I am the prodigal.
I am the tear in Your eye.
I am the thorn in Your heart.
I am the sin that separates.
I don't expect You to even bother with me.
But, I still remember what You said to me a long time ago.
You said You would never forsake me.
Or did I just imagine it?
Please! I cannot live this living hell any more, not that I ever could.
You are the only one that I still trust.
Everyone else has hurt me too much, too many times.
But then again, I still have blood on my own hands.
My hands are stained by my own blood.
Who can I blame now?
On whom can I lay fault upon?
I am the only one here.
Stabbed in the back by my own hand.
This is why I loathe myself so much.
Broken, I was the one who broke me.
I was the one who cut me wide open.
I was the one who stood over me laughing.
God please take me far away from me.
I am just too much of a danger to myself.
Left to myself I will surely do myself in.
And I am so weary Jesus.
You once said to me that You would always be here with me.
I must say that I have never seen You.
You said that You'd always hold me and would never let me down.
Then why have I never felt You?
I guess it's been me all the while.
I am the one who strong armed You.
I feel so far away from You, and yet I feel You so very close to me.
I believe in all that You have ever said to me.
I believe in You, You and only You.
It's myself that I do not believe in.
It's me that I do not trust.
It's me that I am most enraged at.
Maybe that's why I only cause myself harm.
But right now it doesn't matter any more.
I am separated and isolated.
I made all the choices.
No one else can be held accountable for that.
But what choice did I have?
My mind is fragmented.
My heart is fractured.
My soul is torn.
Still I blame me and me alone.
I judge myself guilty.
I condemn myself.
I am sentenced to a prison of my own making.
One of six walls, no window, no door.
But I do not want to be here.
I want out.
But escape is impossible.
I saw to that.
God can You hear me?
Even with me behind these infinitely thick walls.
Can You reach down and pull me out of this place of horror?
I have given up on myself.
Please don't You too.
Please, my Christ remember me.
You are my only hope.
Without You I am all alone, I am nothing.
Bring truth to where my feelings have lied to me.
Bring my faith back to life.
Put breath back into my heart.
Make my soul whole again, for the first time.
Can I please lean on You.
I am so weary.
My strength wanes.
Will You give me a stay of execution?
Even though I am guilty.
Take away my iniquities and my afflictions.
The poison that is sin courses through all my veins.
I choke and bring up blood.
I am bleeding internally.
You are the only one who can heal me.
You are the only one who can fix this broken man.
Please bring me back together again, for the first time.
I am afraid because I just do not understand, and I cannot control myself.
I never could.
This is me.
Not who I want to be.
This is where I am.
Not where I want to be.
And so I fight with all this.
With open wounds bleeding freely and scars that weep.
Oh God, please please!
This is my desperation.
What I've become, what I am.
God please turn to me and hear my cracking cries.
Have pity on this pitiful man.
Please give ear to me.
God please come near.
Take this heart as it is.
Take me as I am.
Do with me as You will.
I am no more.
I am no longer.
Such as I am.
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY