Oh, to live in the land of the sun.
To dance on top of the clouds.
To breathe in the warmth.
To float on the breeze.
Yes, I can see why the angels love it
  here so.
If only I could.
So, for now, I will just keep it all in my dreams.




From ashes I arose.
From ruins I was built back.
From the dirt and the dust I came.
With all my sin and shame.
With all that I lack.
With all my weaknesses.
All my sorrow.
All my burdens.
All my hurt, my pain.
My anger, my rage, my hate.
I came this way.
My reason.
My purpose.
Why I am alive.
This is who I am.
You can take me as I am or not.
These curses are my blessings.
I will stand naked before you.
You will see me for who I am.
I hide nothing.
I have a voice and I will use it.
May the powerless find power.
May the weak find strength.
May the oppressed find freedom.
May the sufferers find healing in comfort.
May the afflicted and addicted find themselves.
And may the afraid find courage.
My message is a simple one.
Hope is rising.
Love is growing and spreading.
There will be, there is...peace in your heart.
Peace in your soul.
And peace...in your mind and body.
Grace and love will reign.




Life is a curse for me.
I wish to be free of it.
I've grown to hate this asylum.
Imprisoned with my shame.
No one can hear my cries.
I was thrown deep down into the depths.
Forgotten and alone.
Consumed by rage and hate.
This darkness has become my home.
And I loathe it so.
But I cannot wander into the light.
For it is foreign to me.
It is not for me.
I am doomed to a fate worse than death.
I am put to life.
Locked in my room.
Wasting away.
This is my curse, to live.




I can't say it's been a wonderful life.
I'm not exactly sure such a thing exists.
But it's the only life I have.
I must at least try to live it the best I know.
Sure there will be pain.
I will be hurt.
Mostly at my own hand.
I have my own blood on my hands.
Still, here I am.
Weathered and worn out.
I'm still the one left standing.
Even though I wobble and stagger.
I even topple over.
Always face first, down in the dirt.
Still, I sit up and spit out the dirt.
I ask myself: "Is there a better way?"
I answer myself: "There's has to be a better way!"
So I rise to standing.
Looking ahead, seeing the broken 
  and crooked path laid out before me.
I admit debilitating fear.
So much so, I am afraid to even try.
Somewhere deep in my heart.
I see a level path before me.
So there in me, hope rises.
My faith in the unseen but known is what
  drives me.
So, onward, upward.
On bloodied hands and knees if need be.
Believing someone will pick me up and carry me
  the rest of the way.
If need be.
Otherwise I will draw strength.
From this strength from within my heart and soul.
This my journey.
For me and me alone to walk.
I will not walk alone though.
I don't know the way.
Only one does.
And so I will follow.
I will continue to sojourn on the best I know.
I know I will lose myself somewhere along the way.
I know I will lose hope.
I know I will become not strong enough any more.
But that's only on my own.
I know better.
I will not be left on my own.
Still, I can't say I will not ever doubt.
That's how I am.
That's what I do.
I am just a man.
I am my own man.
I'll always get in my way.
That's the way I choose to go sometimes.
That's who I choose to be sometimes.
I am my own worst enemy.
Grace will always be there.
Love, and love unfailing will always be there.
I will always hear that still, small voice.
There's still hope for me.
Even if I don't think I have any.
I tend to wander.
It's my wanderlust.
Why, I don't know.



I will push on.
I will press on.
I will bend.
But I will not break.
I will carry on.
I will keep on.
I will be put down.
But I will not be kept down.
I will walk on.
I will soar.
I will be held back.
But I will not be kept back.
I will resolve.
I will move forward.
I will be beaten.
But I will not be beat.



Dying a slow death.
A slow suicide.
Inhaling poison air.
Exhaling poison air.
The lines in the skin are deep.
They speak a silence.
A silence that screams.
The silence that is a homicide.
Broken heart.
Torn soul.
Fractured and fragmented mind.
Out of sight.
Out of mind.
Become the forgotten.
Become the forsaken.
I am haunted.
My demons are devouring me.
Consuming me.
With laughter.
Put away in a room with six walls.
No doorway, no windows.
This is hopelessness.
A life unlived.
A story untold.



More and more I sink into the dark.
More and more I grow so cold.
More and more I grow weary.
More and more I become worn.
More and more I become distressed.
More and more I just want to close my eyes.
More and more I just want to sleep.
More and more the torment grows.
More and more the torture continues.
More and more I lose hope.
More and more I just don't care.
More and more I become numb.
More and more I bleed internally 
  and don't even know it.
More and more I slip through the cracks.
More and more I lose my voice.
More and more all this is driving me mad.



To fail is the greatest reward one can receive, because it's a lesson learned.


Oh, to run in fields of pure gold.
To feel the soothing breeze on my face.
To feel free.
Live without a single care in the world.
To watch the sun set, knowing it will rise again.
I want to feel the green grass 'neath my bare feet.
I want to lie and stare up into the sky.
And not see a single angry cloud.
For it to rain just long enough to breed new life.
I don't want to feel any wrath.
I don't want to know any hate.
I only want to know peace in this world.
I just want to dream the day away.
I'd say that's not asking too much.



I don't even want to think about where 
  I'd be without You.
When I was alone You were there.
When I was lost You found me.
When I came crashing down.
You picked me up and put me back together.
When I was imprisoned.
You set me free.
For my whole life only You truely cared for me.
Only You truely loved me.
 As it does remain, to this very day.
Still, I am prone to wander.
Wondering what I can find on my own.
When will I learn?
I never do find anything.
When I turn to go back home.
There You are waiting for me.
Tears flowing down your cheeks.
I am just a man.
I hurt You, it's what I do.
It's my dark nature that leads me away.
I am cursed.
With no one to blame except me.
As I fight to love and forgive myself.
You already have.
You have taken every one of my tears,
  accounting for every single one.
You deserve more from me.
I do not deserve You and Your loving grace.
As I am.
You are the very opposite.
Loving in all You do, all You do for me.
You were always there.
When I needed You, and even when I thought
   I didn't.
You and Your love were always on time.
I'd be nothing, and never was without You in my life.
I am just not strong enough on my own.
I just cannot make it on my own.
You are all I have.
You are all I need.
And, Oh, how I need You.
Here I am waiting for You.
I am hurting again.
I need You to comfort me.
To tell me: "I love you, son, it's going to be okay."
That's all this worn down and worn out heart 
  of mine needs to hear.




As I walk through the driving rain you are
  walking with me.
As cold as I am, the look in your eyes warms
  me inside.
Your love is a warming flame.
Your beauty wraps around me.
Keeping me warm.
I love having you in my life.
You are the one who loves me in this darkness.
A blinding light.
Love is all around me.
Love has penetrated me.
You are the one.
You are my one.
Your love is wordless.
You speak with your golden eyes.
It's you who keeps me grounded.
I know your love is unconditional.
And I am grateful.
You make my life feel full.
You make me feel so alive.
All I can say is: "You know, I love you."
You are my somewhere.
Without you I'd be nowhere.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for loving me.



Without wonder how will we ever grow closer to God?


It's so hard for me to see You right now.
Your light has grown so dim.
I have grown so far down.
Nothing is all I know right now.
All I wish I felt.
Truth is, I feel everything.
It all pushes and pulls at me.
I choke on all my cries.
When I reach out all I grasp is empty air.
I am blinded by all my tears.
My fears are all consuming me.
If every ending has a beginning; then
  why does everything keep ending for me?
Why does everything keep falling down on me?
There just doesn't seem to be a place for me.
I have forgotten why I am here.
I have lost my purpose.
I have lost my reason.
It's all just too much for me.
I don't even know why any more.
Where did it all go?
Where did I go?
What happened to me?
I hurt so much right now.
It's all making me angry.
I did not ask for any of this.
But here I am.
Freezing and burning at the same time.
All my thoughts are scorched.
All my feelings are tearing me apart.
I just don't want to care any more.
Maybe that would make things better.
Not to care or feel.
I just don't know.
I've come to the end, it seems.
I haven't the strength or the will to go 
  on any more.
So I will stop here.
I will just fall down.
Here is where I am going to lie.
I will lay me down.
I might as well be buried alive.
I will go on no more.
There is nothing, I am nothing.
Your voice seems to have grown silent.
And the silence is killing me.
Right along with all the noise from the world.
But even with all this I still have hope.
I'm not ready to let go of that just yet.
I guess I'm still hanging on by a frayed thread.
Please hope, don't let me down now.
I need you more than ever right now.
Without you I will cease to exist.
Even though that's how I'm feeling right now.
I will hold onto hope.
May it be the candle flame in the window that
  I will always see.
Maybe I will find my way.
Maybe I won't.
But hope says to keep giving it one more try.
I will keep looking for You.
I will keep looking for me.
Down and out, hope keeps lifting me back up.
Whatever the why for all this is.
I just don't care any more.
I just want to let go of everything.
I just want to lay down all my burdens.
I want someone to pick me up and to carry
  me far away from here.
Even though I can barely see You.
Even though I can barely hear You.
Hope still whispers Your name.
Somehow I still believe.
Somehow I still have faith.
And hope keeps on.
Hope keeps on.




These are my scars.
I look at them.
I have to cry.
I still feel the hurt and pain.
I still remember what cut me.
It's like I am haunted.
No peace of mind for me.
Still I hold onto hope,
I still believe it will never let me down.
So far it never has.
Even though that I thought it did.
Hope kept whispering in my heart,
  "Give it one more try."
I never gave up.
Even when I did.
Here I am still.
Bearing these scars.
Still seeing them.
Still crying.
Still feeling.
But that is what has given healing.
And why I still believe in hope.
Pain and hurt never lasts.
When comes the healing, so too comes 
  the comfort that gives me faith.
That is where I put my hope, in the faith
  that I have in God's Spirit.



I look for a way out.
But my eyes are covered.
The noise in my mind is deafening.
I am losing control.
I am coming undone.
My heartstrings are becoming frayed.
The sky is falling down on me.
Everything has become dust.
I am standing in the ashes of my life.
My tears draw lines on my marred face.
I am down on bloodied knees.
Head in bloodied hands.
All of this is just too much for me.
I haven't the will to continue.
I am just too weary.
I haven't the strength to fight.
I am alone, everyone's deserted me.
Naked and cold out in the driving rain.
I look to the skies.
Is there anyone there?
Does anyone even care?
Or am I too insignificant?
Am I too small to pay any notice?
I am crying out.
I am hoping with what hope I have left.
I know it's not very much.
But's all I have.
Please, someone save me.
Save me from all this.
Save me from myself.




Cut me open.
I will bleed.
I will drown in the crimson flow.
I am overcome.
It washes over me.
I go beneath the surface.
I breathe in.
I swallow.
I am filled.
I rise.
I emerge.
Washed clean.
By the crimson flow from long ago.
As He died.
I died.
As He arose.
I have risen.
He is alive.
I am alive in Him.
He is scarred.
I am scarred.
I am healed by His Spirit.




I inhale, I exhale.
I am alive.
I can smell the day.
I can see the glory of it.
I listen to the birds play.
I hear the breeze rustle the fallen leaves.
I behold the beauty of the many colours before me.
I feel at ease.
The world is beautiful.
Is life not grand?
I can't help but to be grateful.
I am alive.



We have fought and did not wavor.
We pushed ahead.
We have gone to the enemy.
We pressed on.
Onward, even to the very end.
Even though weary.
Even though disheartened.
There never was a doubt.
We trusted our Commander.
We were brought to it.
We were brought through it.
We saw the grave swallow itself.
We saw death die.
With bloodied fists raised to the heavens,
  we cried: "VICTORY!!!"
With that we went down on bent knee,
  in reverence to our King.
In whom is the victory.
Battles were won.
Battles were lost.
Ground was claimed.
Ground was lost.
This war took its toll.
A mighty sacrifice was made.
The war is over!
The war is over!
Now we rise, we rise!



Guilt devours me.
Shame picks at me.
I suffer.
I bleed internally.
I am terminal.
Anger becomes rage.
My suffering intensifies.
My heart is pierced.
My soul is torn.
My mind, fragmented.
My earth and skies are scorched.
I am out in the open.
Acid rain falls down upon me.
Melting me.
My own tears are poison.
I inhale the fumes.
I choke and hack.
I feel as though I am being torn apart
  from the inside out.
As everything around me crumbles
  and turns to dust.
My life is in ruins.
I claw at my skin.
Trying to tear flesh from bone.
I want to die!
The silence is killing me.
A slow painful death.
Is there no end to this torment?
The torture goes on.
I cannot cry out.
My tongue has been cut out.
My doom is impending.
I can smell the stench.
As the cold darkness approaches,
Consuming me.
I cannot hold the onslaught back.
I have no more fight in me.
I have not the strength.
Fear and anguish have imprisoned me.
In a cell of my own making.
Six walls.
No windows, no door.
The darkness is complete.
As I claw at the walls.
Wearing my fingers to the bone.
As I slowly sink into madness.
The who I am becomes the who I was.
The who I now am is non-existent.
I huddle in the corner.
Shivering from the intense cold.
I am naked.
I am slowly freezing within.
Oh, how it burns!
I am racked with pain.
I continually convulse.
Gouging out my eyes.
I punch the walls.
I knock my head against the same walls.
I am alive.
I am alive in a living hell.
Sleep offers no peace.
Awake hurts beyond description.
I want to die!
Or am I dead already?
I want to explode.
I want to implode.
Take all this to the end.
And end it.
Forgotten, forsaken.
God I cannot see you.
God I cannot hear you.
God I cannot feel you.
Just end it!




I have been down for so long.
I have forgotten which way is up.
I have been in darkness for so long.
I have forgotten what light looks like.
I have been alone for so long.
I don't know what company is.
I have been suffering for so long.
I don't know what comfort feels like.
I have been angry for so long.
I don't know what peace is anymore.
I have been hurt for so long.
I don't know what healing means.
I have been hopeful for so long.
I don't know how to give up.




I can only be me.
Such as I am.
I am the only one I know who to be.
I sometimes forget who I am.
I lose myself somewhere along the way.
But I have a friend who always finds me.
And brings me back to me.
No matter how many little pieces I am in.
He always finds a way to make me whole again.
So I keep on being me.
As much as I hurt myself sometimes.
I keep on being me.
I know I am not alone.
I have a brother's shoulder to rest on.
Together we walk along the path I have chosen.
Even when the going gets tough.
Even when times get hard.
He is a solid assurance.
He gets me through everything.
He pulls me through it all.
He is the one who makes this one one.
Makes me a better me.
I know who I am.
I know where I am going.
I am the only one who decides my destiny,
  my future.
I trust in only one.
I follow one.
My gaze is fixed on Him.
He is my only one.
The only one who gave my life back to me.
The only voice of reason I listen to.
I only know one thing.
I am the only one who can be me.
I know only one, I am the only one.
God is the only one who truely knows who I am.
Who I am going to be.
I will do my best to leave behind the one 
  I used to be.
The best I know how.
I will do my best not to dwell on who 
  I think I need to be.
Here I am.
Just me, just one, but, someone.
Someone who is known.
Such as I am.



No damage cannot not be repaired.
Nothing broken cannot not be fixed.
No wound cannot not heal.
No hurt cannot not be comforted.
No harm cannot not be soothed.
No tear cannot not be wiped away.
No fear cannot not be uplifted.
No weak cannot not become strong.
No oppressed cannot not stand.
No affliction cannot not be overcome.
Nothing negative cannot not become positive.
No cracked resolve cannot not be made steel solid.
No one blind cannot not be made to see.
No one deaf cannot not be made to hear.
No one lost cannot not be found.
No lost faith cannot not be restored.
No scar cannot not be made beautiful.
Nothing invisible cannot not be seen.
Nothing hidden cannot not be known.
No unloved cannot not be loved.
No forgotten cannot not be remembered.
No sin cannot not be forgiven.
Nothing taken cannot not be returned.
Nothing given away cannot not be restored.
No soul dead and cold cannot not be revived.
No still heart cannot not be made to move again.
Nothing dark cannot not be covered with light.
No effort cannot not be in vain.
No work cannot not be blessed.
Nothing worthless cannot not be made worthy.
Nothing and no one unsung cannot not be rewarded.
No one, no one, cannot not be forgiven.
No one, no one, cannot not be redeemed.
No one, no one, cannot not know a Saviour.
No one cannot not be out of reach of a loving God.



A whisper can be a scream.
A dim light can shine so bright.
Hope rises, faith soars.
The weak will be strong.
The oppressed will stand free.
True belief makes all come to be.
Stand firm.
Hold on.
Hold out.
You are, you can!



Today I awoke.
I opened my eyes.
I sat up.
I am alive.
I rose up.
Put my feet on the cold floor.
I stretched my arms out.
I am alive.
I went outside.
I beheld the beauty.
I inhaled the morning air.
I am alive.
I am alive.




Suffering is good.
It produces perseverance.
With the hurt comes healing.
In affliction there is comfort.
But sometimes things are just too much 
  to bear though.
This I know all too well.
Quite often the sky will come crashing down me.
There is no shelter to be found.
But it's in those times of peril that hope 
  shines through.
And somehow I find the strength to carry on.
To pick up and press forward.
No matter how much it hurts.
I know there's strength in faith.
That's what pulls me through.
Keeps me sojourning on.
I am not alone.
This too I know all too well.
It's all I have.
All I really need.
I'm going to make it through somehow.
For You go with me.
You carry me when I haven't the strength
  to continue.
For that I am grateful.




The day crawls.
I live with torment.
It hurts when I breathe.
The moment keeps hitting me.
I am so weary.
I am so angry.
I am down and held down.
Living is torture.
The pain comes at me from the front.
The pain comes at me from up behind.
The pain comes at me from both flanks.
I am surrounded.
Not even a crack to escape.
I am pierced.
I am fallen.
My vision is hazy.
I choke on the stench of a dead life.
Thorns wrap 'round me.
Slowly I am bleeding out.
I continue to hemorrhage within.
I am cold.
Naked, I shiver violently.
Lying on scorched earth.
Caustic rain falls down on me.
Melting me.
Consuming me.
So I close my eyes.
I'm at my end.
I scream: "NO MORE, NO MORE!"
I've had enough.
I can't take any more.
I'm just not strong enough.
My whole world has fallen in on me.
I squint my eyes hard.
I clench my jaw tight.
And so I lay there dying.
Waiting to be a feast for the vultures 
  circling overhead.
Pick clean my bones.
Leave nothing left.




Beaten up, beaten down.
The torment continues.
In a life of torture.
I am followed wherever I go.
Haunted both night and day.
I cannot get the voices out of my mind.
I am even taunted when I am alone.
Hiding in my room.
Crying into a tear stained pillow.
Will it ever end?
Will they ever go away?
I just want to be left alone.
I am wounded body, soul and mind.
I am dying in silence.
Oh, the silence is deafening.
I no longer believe in peace of mind.
There is only hurt, pain, anger and rage in me.
My so-called life is one of fear and anguish.
I would do anything to make all this stop.
I would do anything to kill the pain.
I would do anything to silence the voices.
I am trying to hide myself.
My feelings always give me away.
I am nothing to anyone.
Just their favourite plaything.
I am weary of being a punching bag.
But my feelings matter not to anyone.
I cannot take anymore.
I'm not strong enough.
I'd cry out but I just choke on my words.
I am desperate.
This must stop.
This must end.
I have one last resort.
Close my eyes.
Draw lines into my skin.
The silence will wash over me.
Taking me under.
With no good-bye.
I will cease.
As if I ever really existed in the first place.
My last thought is that you all murdered me.



Have you gone away?
Have you left me behind?
Because it sure feels that way.
All alone and scared.
My prayers sound like echoes.
I just don't know if you're even listening.
I feel empty inside.
Exposed and cold.
Lost with no shelter.
With nowhere to go.
My mind is consumed with despair.
I feel as though my life is dead.
I've grown so weary.
I just want to withdraw.
Hide within myself.
But, in this desperate time I can still hear you.
I can still feel you holding onto me.
Still holding me up.
It's just I get so far away.
Away from myself.
So far away from you.
But somehow I always know you are close.
Even though I convince myself otherwise.
I know I can still hold onto you.
You will never let me down.
So if I'm going to get lost I want to get lost in you.
Safe, warm, sheltered, and assured.
So when I turn and walk away from you.
Please come after me and take me back.
You are home.




I can see you.
I can see you in all you do.
You cannot hide from me.
For I am omnipresent.
You tried to bring me down once.
But it was you who fell.
You thought you could be higher than me.
But it is I who is above all.
I am that I Am.
Prophecy is upon you.
Heaven will open up.
I will come forth.
This time as the Mighty Roaring Lion.
Death will follow me.
You will be put asunder.
Thrown away in fire forever and all eternity.
Do what you will.
Know this: It is but for a short while.
Your time is almost run out.
Do not think you will win, not for a
  single second.
There will be a rapture.
Then you will have your time.
Then Heaven and all its hosts will descend.
A mighty rage of angels will raze all 
  you've done.
Then I will come for you.
I will come to you.
In all my glory and blinding countenance.
Then judgement.
For you and Legion, and all you 
  have enslaved.
You will burn in the Lake of Fire.
For all eternity.
Then the Day of the Lord.
There will be peace never ending.
I, on my Throne of Glory.
I shall reign, I shall reign!



In my weakness and distress I called out to Him
  and He answered.
I am blessed with His grace.
I am blessed with His unfailing love.
My hope is in my faith which is in my Lord God
  Jesus Christ.
My Redeemer, Saviour, in whom I rest assured.
I fear nothing and no one.
In my weakness He makes me strong so that 
  I may stand and weather the storms.
Before God alone do I kneel.
Before God alone do I bow.
I am but a broken man, by nature a sinner,
  unclean and unworthy.
But He, by His grace, has made me 
  clean and worthy, worthy to praise Him.
My Lord, my God.
My sole reason for existing.
Because He first loved me.
I can in turn love Him, and thus love myself.
Loving my brothers and sisters.
I have unwavering hope, steadfast faith,
  and undying love for my God above all.
And for all of my family in my life.
Thank You Lord.




You've been trying to hide.
Your burdens, your hurt and your pain.
Beloved I can see you.
I will carry all your burdens.
I will take away all your hurt and your pain.
Go on; lay them down.
I can see that you are weary.
Why don't you take your rest in my embrace?
Can't you see I'm right there with you?
Just close your eyes, you'll see me.
I am there in your empty room.
I see the lines you draw on your arms.
I see the angry words you write down.
I see the tears that stain your pillow.
I watch the mirror break.
As you cry out for release.
I am the only one there holding you.
I am the only one who understands.
I feel everything you do.
Listen to me: "I love you, I gave all I had
   for you, right here, right now. I am here
     you can feel me, I love you, 
       it's going to be okay."
As I take you, you can take me.
I have all your tears, every one accounted for.
Let your tears fall.
Let your fears fall.
I have you.
I see you. 
I know you.
I'm speaking to you.
Beloved please, please hear me.
I desperately love you.
I only want you to know me.
I know all you hide.
I remember all that you hide.
I see all, I can take it all.
Just give it all to me.
Begin to live again for the first time.
I am your life.
Wherever, whenever, whatever.
It does not matter.
Nothing else matters other than you to me.
I moved all of Heaven and the Earth for you.
I died the most tormented, tortured of deaths
  for you.
I descended into the deepest, darkest for you.
Then I came back for you.
Now I am here with you.
You and only you.
You are no longer alone.
No more dying inside.
You are alive with me.
I know you want to die.
Because you are so sick and tired
  of being so sick and tired.
I will not let you.
I will give you life instead.
Here I am, arms open wide.
Come to me.
Let me carry all that you do.
Let me carry you.
Oh beloved.




I lay these flowers on your grave.
In remembrance of the one who was there
  when I first breathed my first breath.
You always said that you loved me.
You always said you were proud of me.
Me, your first born son.
You, the one I called dad.
You were there for the whole of my life.
Encouraging me in all I did.
You showed me God.
You showed me your love for Him.
Soon I was to follow.
I never told you that I loved you.
But I did say: "I hate you!"
You hurt me.
So I hurt you.
I forgot about you.
I put a wall between us.
You weren't going to hurt me any more.
Little did I know, little did I care.
I was hurting you too.
So many times we were at odds.
So many times we fought.
So many times we ignored each other.
These are my greatest regrets.
A son not honouring his father.
But in my mind I screamed:
  "Where were you when I needed a father?"
Wounds always heal.
See these scars.
I remember, I cannot forget.
I forgive.
I now say:"I love you dad."
It's too late to say face to face.
"I'm sorry, please forgive me."
In my heart I know you heard me.
But I still carry the pain.
I still carry the hurt.
I still carry the hate.
I still carry the anger and rage.
I cannot forgive myself.
I cannot love myself.
How could I?!
You loved me.
You did the best you knew how to.
But it was never good enough for me.
I did not understand your illness.
I do now.
For I too have become afflicted.
Some would say it was pay back.
I call it ironic.
But all I can do now is wait for the reunion 
  in eternity as I join you in Heaven.
Tears still fill my eyes.
I could not love you.
But I sure could hate you.
"Heavenly Father, please help me to love again."
"Please help me to forgive myself."
See you soon dad.
I still miss you here.
I'd give anything to have you here again.
So I could say that I love you face to face.
To hear you say: "Son I love you, I am so
  proud of you."
I miss the times when I was little
  and we'd play together.
"Hey dad, remember those paper airplanes 
   we made together?"
I do, with a tearful smile.
Those times are what I choose to hold onto.
I still make those paper airplanes.
My greatest joy.




All that I have done.
I cannot erase.
It still haunts me.
It will never escape me.
It's always inside of me.
Sometimes weighing me down.
I know I am just not strong enough
  to carry on with all of this.
Oh, how I want to lay it all down.
Dig a grave and bury all of it.
Let it rot and decay.
Say my piece then it's good-bye.
I can no longer stay here.
Tormented by all of my past.
So I'm moving on.
The best I can.
But sometimes I can't help
  but to look back.
Wondering if it remains with me.
But I turn my gaze ahead.
Doing my best to forget and to forgive.
I have done a lot of hurt.
I have done a lot of hate.
All to myself.
And I bear those scars.
A beautiful reminder of just how
  far I have come.
I am mindful of the healing grace.
And the love that wrapped around this
  broken man.
Giving me hope and faith for the future.
Here I am right here.
Someday yesterday will carry me into tomorrow.
And it will be a brand new day again and again.
All that I have done.



Down on bloodied knees.
Surrounded by hell's horde.
The Legion thinks me defeated.
I growl: "Come, bring it!"
I rise to my feet.
Slightly unbalanced.
But with a cold steel resolve in my heart.
I will make my stand right here.
Right here, right now.
With a molten fire in my heart.
With a storm of destruction in my soul.
I will raze this place down.
"Legion, you will know the extent
  of my rage and hatred for you."
I scream at the formidable figure before me.
But I fear not.
For he will fall before he gets even 
  a little close to me.
For there is One who goes before me.
There is One who will fight for me.
Hell was defeated a long time ago.
Death lost its sting that day.
And victory was assured.
The grave was no more.
His sacrifice attained the victory.
With my belief I was given eternity.
This is why I do not fear.
"Legion, you can bend me, but I will not break!"
"You can put me down, you can hold me down,
   but you cannot keep me down!"
"Push me up against a wall, but you will
   just anger me more, know this; I am coming out
    and I will be coming out fighting."
This is the battle cry that broke the crimson 
  sky above,
Raining down fire and scorching the ground.
That fire was the Holy Spirit of God.
In His righteous anger and rage He raised
  up that fire, consuming Legion.
Many no more.
Let a shout rise up over all the land.
The Christ, the Saviour is mighty to save!
And I am not afraid!



Torn and shredded.
My heart cries.
Crushed and trodden upon.
My soul aches.
Fractured and fragmented.
My mind bleeds.



If you are hurting, reach out.
If you are wasted, reach out.
If you are sick and tired of being
  sick and tired.
Reach out.
Fear not beloved.
Jesus will be there, right there, to take hold.
He will never let you down where others have.



This is the final heartache.
The final loneliness.
The last victim.
Arise a conqueror.
Take back what was taken.
Stand and hold your ground.
'Neath these scorched crimson skies.
Revival burns hot, bright.
Redemption is begun.
Salvation has arisen, alive.
The Spirit comes, a mighty rushing fire.
You are, not not.
Raise your clenched fist in defiance.
Hold yourself high.
Strength immortal.
Death is the only mortal here.
Impale the head of sin on a steak 
  for all to see.
Give notice that the sting is no more.
There was the sacrifice for this victory.
Awaiting you, you will savour
  the Divine glory.
Not descent but a ascendance.
You are the rightful heir.
Your resistance, blessed.
You are assured.
Your eternal rest awaits.
Not nothing now.
Legion is now nothing.
Cast out and drowned.
Your tears have washed
   the blood from your face.
The rage you now harbour is righteous.
Spit in the face of fear.
Love has cast it off.
Hope is in the eternal unseen.
This reality is temporary, soon to pass.
Moot, null and void.
Choke and suffocate no more.
Your paths are now level.
But you are not done yet.
The journey still stretches out before you.
Your destiny is your destination.
Your death will be your life infinite.
Let rapture be yours.
You will do more than just last.
You will do more than just hold out.
You will march forward.
Your shield and two-edged sword in your hands.
Your foe is oblivious to that the battle 
  is already won.
The war is over.
Let loose the cry of victory.
Bend down to one bloodied knee.
Bow a scarred head.
In reverence to the Divine victory.
This day is yours, you live free.
Life awaits you.
Choose beloved, choose wisely.
Guard your heart.
Guard your mind.
Guard your soul.
Although defeated your foe still lurks.
Seeking to devour and destroy.
Be wary, be vigilant.
Although victorious.
The fallen is more enraged than ever.
He seeks vengeance.
He will not savour it.
Eternity is yours.
Remain guarded.
In the Divine stronghold and mighty tower.
Rise and rise again, till lambs become lions.



Bathe in the crimson flow.
Emerge whiter than white.



At night you come for me.
Moving, not making a single sound.
I make no effort to fight.
I slowly succumb.
You swallow me whole.
Licking your lips when you're finished.
And I am gone.
No, nothing.
This is my nightmare.
Tonight, it will all happen again.
I am powerless to resist.
I cannot even hide.
For I find myself out every time.
I give myself away every time.
I can hear your laughter already.
The fear in me rises.
I know I will fall victim again.
Over and over, a living hell.
With no hope for the salvation from all this.




The winds  of change can blow so cold.
They are hard to face.
They can blow you right over.
I'm holding onto them by a thread.
That thread is often frayed.
But I am still hanging on.
I'm still in there hanging on.
The difference comes hard and fast.
It always finds you.
Whether you're ready or not.
And it can take you away.
You can spread your wings and soar.
You can let the change take you.
Take you to new things and places.
Oh, the possibilities.
The winds of change will blow.
Stand firm, stand hard.
Hold on, hold out.
Stand and face the truth.
Let the change take you.
Accept it.
You will soar oh so high above the heavens.
Change is the only constant.
Do not be afraid.
Here come the winds of change.
Open up and breathe.
Change is life. 
Life is change.
Open up and just breathe.
Just breathe, you will be okay.



I search for sanctuary.
I am so lost, cold and alone.
I have not a home anywhere.
No shelter or refuge to speak of.
I wander aimlessly.
It feels like in endless circles.
I am unable to face myself.
I am unable to face who I am, what I am.
I am sorely lacking.
I've given up looking for whatever it was 
  I was looking for.
Torn down, dust and rubble.
A life all in ruin.
As the rain falls, so too my tears do.
I am soaked to the bone.
Miserable and shivering.
I am naked.
I have gone away; has anyone noticed?
Will I ever be able to?
Will I ever have the will?
Will I ever have the strength?
Will I ever believe?
Where am I?
I lost myself somewhere 'long the way.
Or did someone steal me away in the dark?
I am so tired.
I am so weary.
I am all worn out.
There is nothing left of me.
 I so want to be someone else.
Maybe the one I was meant to be.
Was I meant to be someone else?
I just don't know much anymore.
I don't remember much anymore.
Crying alone in the darkness.
Consumed by despair.
Loneliness imprisons me in a prison 
  of my own making.
I've stopped caring.
Nothing matters anymore.
I certainly do not.
No more, no more am I.
I'd call myself just a memory, 
  but I doubt even that.
Does anyone know or remember me?
This is silence complete.
Silence will be my suicide.
Inside the silence screams, to deafening.
Reverberating around, around within my mind.
The echoes are fading away.
I fade to grey.
Soon to fade to black.
I am lost in the middle of this desert
  that is my mind.
Lost in the middle of nowhere.
Where all my paths have led me.
Cowering here.
Looking at my sky.
There are no stars in my sky.
I think my sky is falling.
Just like everything else.
Oh, where have I gone?
Am I a condemned man?
Or is it all in my mind?
My mind is fractured and fragmented.
My mind cannot be set to heal again.
Oh, the pain I feel.
Tortured and tormented.
My throat is so dry.
I cannot speak, I cannot even whisper.
Much less pray.
So I await for the inevitable to wash over me.
No more hope.
No more faith.
No more love.
I am erased.
I exist no longer.
Did I ever?



I live all of my mistakes.
I inhale, I exhale all my regrets.
I am poisoned with all my hurts.
I hold onto everything.
I am weighed down.
I am sinking.
I am toxic.
Sin will do that.
Lately I've been hating who I have become.
So dark and cold.
I live alone.
Trying to convince myself I am happy 
  such as I am.
I have tried so hard to live up to myself.
Failing miserably every time.
I will never be good enough for myself.
I don't why I try so hard.
I am never going to be able to live.
My life will always be one that is dead.
I just do not know!
Still I try to hold onto hope.
It's all I have left.
With what is left of my trust.
I try to hold onto my life.
I'm not ready to die just yet.
So I give it one more try.
That's all I have left in me.
Just one more try.




I am tired of people telling me how to live my life.
I am tired of those telling me how I should be.
Don't you even tell me what I am doing wrong.
And don't even dare to tell me who I am.
I am not you.
I am me, not you.
I am the only one who decides how I should live,
  be, what's right or wrong, and who I am.
Your opinion is not needed or required.
So take your babble elsewhere.
Let me be.
Let me live.
Let me make mistakes.
That's how I will learn.
It's my failures that will make me who I am 
  and will be.
Not any success.
So, you see, I'm doing just fine without you.
I am better off without you.
Don't let the door hit you on your way out.
Oh, by the way, you have your own life to live.
You can't do that when you are trying to live mine.
Can you?
That's what I thought.
Stand back as I spread my wings and soar off
  up above the heavens.
All without you and your help.
I don't want to hear you only meant or didn't mean.
It's just more babble.
I am so high above you.



I have spent my whole life wondering where
  I was heading.
What was there for me?
What reason am I?
What purpose am I?
Where is the why I am looking for?
My life is still one unlived.
You see I am still afraid to even try.
Too many hurts.
Too many lies.
Too much betrayal.
Anger clouds my sight.
Hate for myself is slowly killing me.
I do not want any sympathy.
I do not want any charity.
Go help someone else because you feel
  sorry for them.
You just do not understand anyway.
So do not even try to, do not even try to say it.
I do not need or want your pity.
You might as well pierce my soul 
  with a jagged edged knife.
Pull it out and stab me again, 
  giving it a sharp twist.
There is no point to waiting for life to begin.
I think that time came and went.
I lost out once again.
It is no ones's fault but my own.
I alone imprisoned me in this cell of
  six walls I made.
With no door and no windows.
There is no freedom for me.
There will never be any freedom.
No, not for me.
You see, I am too afraid.



Adrift on an ocean of my own tears.
The waves are swamping me.
Too far away from any rescue.
Hopelessness is pulling me under.
I'm already dead even before I hit the water.
My cries are the storm tearing me apart.
I choke on despair.
Fear is the chain weighing me down.
As I go deeper it only gets darker and colder.
Is this it?
Is this my demise?
Is this how it's going to end for me?
I am frozen to the bone.
As I sink out of sight.
The water that is my tears finally fill my lungs.
And I disappear.




The cries within remain forever silent.
My tears pull me under.
I swallow, I choke.
I go to where none will follow.
I hide myself there.
I cherish the silence.
My only companion.
Even though I am slowly dying.
I am hollow.
I am empty.
Without substance.
Anger and rage are all that sustain me.
But they're why I slowly die.
I gave up caring a long, long time ago.
Abandoned and forsaken.
Never atoned.
Redeemed only to fall to the wayside.
Salvation was just another lie.
You do not see me.
You do not care about me.
I would kill you if I could.
But I will kill myself instead.
The piety of you and those like you are
  what have driven me here.
Separated and quarantined.
This is my isolation. 
This is my choice.
So go on without me.
Leave me to rot and decay.
It's what I want.



I can feel the cold of the darkness
  you have brought.
I shiver from it.
Naked and alone.
My tears freeze my eye lids shut.
I am blind.
Darkness in darkness.
I feel your icy fingers wrap 'round my neck.
Choking and suffocating.
I go limp in your grasp.
I never could put up a fight.
I'm just not strong enough anyway.
Your horrible laughter echoes in my ears.
Driving me even more mad.
You have ripped out my heart. 
Tearing apart my soul.
Then fracturing my mind.
I am left here.
So cold and bitter.
I sink even deeper into madness.
I sink even deeper into myself.
A victim now, a victim always.
With no hope of salvation.
I might as well give up.
Then again, there's nothing to give up.
I have grown so weary.
I have not will any more.
I desire not to continue on.
I am already left here alone.
Leave me to die alone.
Bury me not in the cold ground.
Shed not a tear for me.
I am gone, there's no returning from this hell.
My torment is complete.
My life a horror.
Slice me open and let me bleed.
Let me bleed what's left of me out.
Regrets, broken promises, wasted years.
I die not now, for I have been dead 
  for all of my life already.




God is faithful to forgive.
He just wants you to come back home.
It doesn't matter what you have said or done.
His arms are always open.
He just wants you to come back home.
Never alone, never forgotten, never left behind,
  never left out,
Never forsaken, never judged, never unaccepted,
  never disappointed.
He just wants you to come back home.
You may feel you are so far away, but Jesus
  is always closer than you think.
Always right there, just turn around, He is
  right there.
He just wants to carry you all the way back home.
He just wants you to come back home.
He loves you more than you will ever know.
He gave up everything for you.
Jesus moved all Heaven and Earth 
  just to get to where you were.
You can rest now.
Lay down your arms.
Lay down your burdens.
Put your head upon His shoulder.
Let the hands that hold the whole world
  pull you to Him.
He just wants you to come back home.
He just wants to love you, just as you are,
  just the way you are.
You can rest now.
Just come home.
You can come home!
There is always a place for you.
The door is always open for you.
There will always be a candle burning for you.
And He will be standing there waiting.
He just wants you to come back home.
It's never too late.
Oh, just come back home.



There is a storm coming.
The world will know upheaval.
The fires of revival are already burning.
I am telling you, everything is about to blow!!!



This darkness is so complete.
Too hard to find my way.
I stumble, I fall.
I'm cut, bruised and bleeding.
I feel I cannot go on.
I am just too tired.
I have lost the will to continue.
I am so cold.
I am so afraid,
Here is where I am, lost.
My hope wanes as time continues.
This just might be my tomb.
And the silence is so deafening.
The only sound I hear is the beating
  of my own heart.
I guess that's something I can hold onto.
I am still alive.
What hope is left I will cling to tightly.
It's all I have, it's all I have left.
I've lost everything else.
Nothing else matters anymore.
Where is my rescue?
Does anyone know I am lost here?
Does anyone even know where I am?
And what state I am in.
I will wait right where I am.
Hoping someone will find me.
"Oh, where are you?" I quietly cry.
My tears flow freely.
I don't know how long I will last
  down here on my own.
I am still breathing.
My heart is still beating.
As long as I am I will keep holding onto
  the hope for rescue.
Waiting here to be lifted up and out.
I still believe, it's all I can do.
So I wait on you.
Whoever you are.



Pushed down.
Held down.
To no avail.
Fighting to live.
To no avail.
I want to die.
I want all this to end.
I want to be free.
By any means.
I will make my last stand.
It's hopeless.
I have only a last resort.
Time to go.
Turn out the light and just leave.




By my very nature I am unclean in His sight,
  I am a detestable sinner.
But Jesus took all this as His own when He died
  on the cross.
Because He loves us.
Thank You Brother, thank You Father.
I am forever in Your debt, I have only myself
  to offer You.
Will You take me as I am?
Will You send me; even with who I am?



I have hurt You.
I have let You down.
I have disappointed You.
I have walked away from You
  time after time.
Time after time You have come 
  and taken me back home.
No anger.
No judgement.
No punishment.
You just said: "Son, I love you."
It always make me cry.
Because I just cannot stop myself.
I will walk away from You.
I don't know why.
It's just what I do.
Still, You leave Heaven behind.
Just to come and rescue me from myself.
With Your mighty strong arms You wrap me up.
With Your hardened and strong hands
  You gently lay them on this poor, lost soul.
Again all You say is: "Son I love you."
"I will never leave you, I will never ignore you,
  I will never turn from you, I will never forget
    about you, I will never forsake you, you are mine."
All I can say is: "Father, thank You."
Faithful to the end, with no end.
Unfailing love.
He knows no bounds.
I am wretched, I am unclean, I am sin by nature.
Freely forgiveness became mine.
Undeserving, unworthy.
"Son, I love you, you are mine, I will always come 
  for you."



Please give me shelter from the wind and cold.
I am naked.
I've nowhere to go.
Nowhere to rest and call home.
I am shivering violently.
I feel the cold straight into my bones.
Please take me away from here.
Take me away from this life.
Give me something I've never known.
A life free of despair.
A life free of loneliness.
A simple life would be just fine.
Please wipe these tears from my eyes.
They sting so.
Please hold me.
Tell me it's all okay.
Make me feel safe wrapped in your arms.
Can I turn to you?
Will you love me?
Will you carry me away from this wretched place?
Please do not forsake me.
I just want to know what assurance is.
Please, please...



Be strong, be strong.
You do not stand alone.
There is great power in the many.
Believe, believe.
Be stubborn.
Have unshakable will.
Be well, be well.
Nothing can stop you.
Nothing will consume you.
Stand, stand.
Altogether now.
Shoulder to shoulder.
On and on.
You grow beloved.
You will be reckoned with.
Scream the prayer, SCREAM THE PRAYER!



Worthlessness consumes.
Eating from within.
It is a cancer.
It is a plague.
Suicide, genocide.
I have fallen victim to it.
My greatest foe.
I fight only to be cut down.
Still I keep rising.
There's still hope.
There's always hope I believe.
It's all I have left.
But even hope is waning.
These storms are tiresome.
I've been worn.
I've been beat.
I bear the scars.
I am still wounded.
Weeping life's will away.
The winds of change blow in.
Then they blow away.
I am still here.
Worthlessness still constant.




I tried for so long.
But I could never fit in.
Oh how I longed to.
It was all for naught.
Always left alone, dismayed and...alone.
"I am so alone, I hate my life, I want to die."
The words I used to say.
I hated the me I was.
The me I was hated me too.
Further I sank with in the blackness within me.
No one ever came around and that 
  suited me just fine.
For hating me I hated them right back.
They hurt me, they are hurting me.
But I will hurt myself first.
Maybe then I will become numb.
And they won't be able to hurt me any more.
They say the pain just reminds you you are alive.
If that's true then why do i want to die.
I want to die.
I am so tired.
I am so very tired.
God, where are you?
Do you hate me like everyone else?
Have you forgotten about me?
I just don't know.
I just don't know what I believe anymore.
I just want the hurt and pain to stop.
Who can make it a;; stop and go away?
I am at my end.
God, is there another beginning?
But I'm not so sure I want to begin again.
What if that life is worse than this life.
I could not take it.
I cannot take it now, here.
So empty am I.
So full of the blood from the hopelessness.
I am hemorrhaging on the inside.
I would cut myself to blood let.
But I am too afraid of that too.
So here I suffer in silence.
I keep it all to myself.
I keep it all in myself.
Even though it means I hurt more.
Even though it means the pain will grow.
Consuming me eventually.
Eventually I will reach my end.
Eventually I will have to meet my last resort.
This is my last resort.
God, will you let me come home? 
I just want to come home.
It's the only way for the hurt and pain and everything
  else to stop.
I'm coming home.
God, please let me in.
I will move from this nothingness to another
I am nothing.



Hope is the spark.
Love is the flame.
Faith is the fuel.
Beloved, beloved...
Let it burn, let it burn...
Let it shine, let it shine...