Here but gone.
Seen but invisible.
Heard, but so far away.
I exist but am hollow and empty.
Eyes are open but look into pitch black.
Hands are reaching but grasp only thin air.
Speaking but the words only echo.
Open but fallen so deep down within.
Here but gone.




You can push me down, but I will get back up.
Push me down again, I will get back up again.
And I will keep getting back up again and again.
Come against me.
Come to me.
But I will not be afraid.
Fear is a choice.
And I choose not to.
But I look into your eyes and I can see the fear there.
You continually lie to yourself.
You just will not admit the truth to yourself.
The truth hurts doesn't it?
I feel sorry for you.
All the hurt, pain and anger you must hold deep down inside.
So you take it out on others.
Those who are seemingly less than you.
So you can feel superior.
Your strength comes from their fear.
You laugh now instead of crying.
You look down on me.
You see the tears that I cannot hold back, nor can I hide them.
You are angry because you see yourself in me.
I'm a painful reminder of the self you try to ignore.
So I stand.
I will not repay your evil with evil.
As much as you have hurt me and countless others I will show you love.
I will forgive you.
Even if you do not care.
Or laugh at me, calling me a joke.
But I can still see the pain in your eyes.
I can feel what you feel too.
I will not hate.
I will not retaliate.
Come at me, and I will step back.
Not because I'm a coward.
But because you are.
You see, you are a thorn in my side.
One that I cannot remove.
I feel the consuming pain.
As I drop down to my scarred knees.
But I look up at you.
So much anger, so much hate.
You call me weak.
What you don't know, is that in my weakness I am made strong.
That is the power of the One in me.
He is my strength.
I am just one, that is true, but I am just one under One.
God still loves you.
I can do no less.
As He loved, I will love.
I will try to always give love when I am given hate.
In my very Heart of Hearts I believe in this one simple thing.
Love is forgiving and love is for giving.
You can walk away from me if you want.
You can continue to curse me.
You can spit on the ground at my feet.
But I'll not change my heart.
For that is who I am.
I was made in the image of Love for Love.
If only you could see what He sees in you.
For He knows your heart.
As He does of all of man.
God is the One who can change the heart of a man.
But you are so consumed with anger, rage and hate.
You hold onto everything because you don't want to be left with nothing.
So you draw solace in believing you are strong.
You are above the weak.
You have deceived yourself.
And that is your choice.
Your feelings are lying to you.
So you hold onto all the bitterness and the gall.
You turn and face me once again.
Yelling at me in a fit of rage uncontrolled.
You make accusations of me.
But I will stand against you.
The physical harm will heal.
Just another scar I will bear proudly.
The emotional harm will not heal so easily.
For it cuts deep down into the very core of me.
That kind of pain is indescribable.
That kind of pain is unspeakable.
As I bear my scars, I bear the pain from all the harms.
But, as it hurts so very much.
I will rise up again.
I will love and forgive starting with myself.
You are not my enemy.
That role would be mine.
I am my own worst enemy.
And at times I have been like you.
I have hated.
I have been violent.
Hurting those who loved me.
And most of all I was hurting myself.
As you do now.
I look at you.
And I can see me.
I know exactly where you are.
I have been there many times.
More times than I care to remember.
And, I'm ashamed to admit that I still visit.
So, go ahead, hurt me.
I will not hurt you in return.
I have done that too many times.
So many times.
You cannot hurt me as much as I can hurt myself.
So, back off, turn and walk away.
It makes no difference to me.
I can see your true character.
One of fear and anger.
The two go hand in hand.
You always show yourself to be the fool.
Not as you call me.
If only the strong survive was true,
then why are you failing?
Now, you will have no more of me.
I will walk away from you,
I will leave you far behind.
I'm not looking back.
I'm not looking over my shoulder in fear any more.
The hurt from all the harms I received remains.
Wounds still bleeding.
I can forgive but, I cannot forget.
I guess in a way I am still being knocked down.
This time, I am slow to get back up.
Physical harms will heal.
Mental harms, not so much.
And no amount of time will heal the pain I still feel.
But I know I am not alone.
Not in this, not in anything.
There is One who remains with me.
He is the one who holds me.
And the One who holds me upright.
Wipes away all of my tears.
Bringing comfort to my hurts.
His love makes the difference in everything.
And it's His love that wraps 'round me.
Giving me soothing while I am healing.
Only He can change the heart of this man.
Only He can bring healing to this man.
I am damaged, but I am not.
I am broken, but I am not.
Love has taken me.
Love is keeping me.
With all of the harms that I have,
love is all that I need.




Fragile hearts.
Damaged hearts.
Torn souls.
Tattered souls.
Cracked minds.
Crumbling minds.
Scorched memories.
Scorched emotions.
Black moods.
Feelings that lie.
Betrayal of self.




                                                                (Page 1)

They say life waits for no one.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
You have to move on or get left behind.
But how do you move on if you are already lost?
Then who's to blame?
Who's fault is it?
The ever passing moment is ever passing me by.
I never get a chance.
Not that I'd try.
Life's not fair and I don't care.
I was born forsaken.
The world was against me from when I breathed my first breath,
I was at war with myself from the very beginning.
So, tell me, who's to blame?
Who's fault is it?
Was it mine for letting go of everything?
But wait, didn't they say that you must let it all go?
It will only weigh you down, slowing your pace.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
When do I hold on?
When do I let go?
And what does it all mean?
It's all just so confusing and frustrating.
How am I expected to live this life?
When so many voices are telling me something different every time I turn around.
I just want to get away.
Where there is no one around for miles and miles.
Just me and my own thoughts.
Maybe that's not such a good thing.
My mind is fragmented.
I am broken and i am damaged.
And they say that I need to just deal with it.
What the hell does that mean?
How am I supposed to if I do not know how?
I am always being pushed and pulled.
It's a wonder that I haven't come all apart.
Then again, maybe I have.
I just do not know.
I'm not sure about anything.
I second guess myself on everything.
I sank to an all time low a long time ago.
And they say I just need to pick myself up and carry on.
I would if I could.
I think they all should just shut up!
I don't care about what they say.
They only cloud an already clouded over mind.
Just like a dense fog.
Who's to blame?
Who's at fault?
Who's responsibility is it?
I'm just so sick of it all.
This so-called life of mine.
This so-called world I look at below.
Life leaves me behind.
The world keeps spinning faster and faster.
I wish somebody would stop the world, I want to get off.
Here I am, trying to find a place to belong in a place where I don't belong.
Is there anywhere for me.
Is there a purpose for me?
What the hell am I here for?
What use am I if I can't even help myself?
I've been trying to find some reason for me being here.
To no avail.
I'm still here, in the middle of nowhere.
Living on the outskirts of life.
All my paths just go in circles.
'Round and 'round, it makes me sick.
'Round and 'round, I feel so dizzy.
Is it my life that is spinning?
Or is it me who's spinning?
Where are they now?
I need someone to tell me what this life is for.
Again I hear the silence screaming inside my mind.
I'm about to explode, or is it implode?
Deeper and deeper I sink.
Faster and faster I fall.
I have reached terminal velocity.
There's no hope for me now.
Another crash and burn is imminent.
Dummy, dummy had a great fall.
And no one could put me back together again.
I hold all of the pieces in my shaking hands.
Not knowing what I am supposed to do.
What am I supposed to do?
How can I live with myself now?
God, can You maybe tell me?
I've heard that You are good and great.
Can You help me?
Will You help me?
I need to find You.
You see, I am lost.
And I am all alone.
Unforgiven and forsaken.
Oh how it hurts.
Oh how it all hurts.
How am I supposed to forgive this broken down man, when I hurt just so very much?

                                                          (Page 2)

Despair in myself continues on.
I am still here.
Imprisoned within myself.
Within my own prison.
A prison of my own making.
Six walls.
No windows.
No door.
With a total absence of light.
With my loneliness as my only companion.
At least I have one thing.
Day and night do not exist for me any more.
I've forgotten what day it is.
Who cares anyway?
Reality is slipping from my grasp.
I am no longer lucid.
My silence is becoming my madness.
It still screams in my mind.
I am angry.
I hate.
I rage.
The anarchy and chaos in my mind is slowly tearing me apart.
It's a slow death.
A long, painful suicide.
All I know is regret.
And I regret that I regret.
What else was I supposed to do?
What choice did I have?
How could I choose, when I had no choice?
I am forgotten.
I have forgotten.
I am slipping away.
Slowly fading to black.
I can hear the bells tolling for me.
God, where are You?
I am just not ready to die, not just yet.
God please come hear.
God please come near.
Hear my cries.
Hear my pleas.
I beg of You.
Please set me free.
Set me free from myself.
Bring this lifewar to an end.
Can You bring peace to me?
Bring peace to my fragmented mind.
Bring healing to my shattered heart and torn soul.
God, can You here me?
God, will You answer me?
My borrowed time is coming due.
The hour glass has almost emptied.
I've only a pittance of hope left.
You are my only hope.
I am trusting in You.
Tell me, how long am I supposed to wait?
It seems it's been an eternity already.
I am so afraid.
I see everything growing dim.
Darkness is closing in on me from all fronts.
Tell me, when will this hellish stalemate end.
Will I ever push everything that is harming me back?
It's all in my mind.
As they say.
But I question all that.
I may not know or understand what is going on, but I know a lie when I hear one.
Or do I.
I've lived an entire lifetime of deception.
The lies were mostly my own.
I was just trying to forget it all.
I was trying to put it all out of my mind.
But, lies are a stubborn lot.
Once they got their talons dug into you they just will not let go.
Not without a fight.
As I said, they're a stubborn lot, and just will not give up.
Even if it means killing the one they are living in.
Oh God, I cannot bear any of this any more.
I am so cold, naked and afraid.
Great shame has stained me red.
Another burden weighing on me.
I'm down on bloodied knees, unable to stand any more.
I'm being crushed 'neath all the weight.
God, can You take all of this off of me, please?
'Cause I'm just not strong enough.
And I cannot continue going on my own.
I cannot live on my own terms any more.
I have betrayed myself again.
I have become my own worst enemy.
God, can You save me from me.
Sooner or later I'm going to do myself in.
Right now I am slowly heading there.
And right now I am still not ready to die.

                                                           (Page 3)

Here I am again still.
Frozen in place by all my tears.
My heart is so corroded it cannot beat.
I can no longer breathe.
God, can You possibly bring me back to life.
My life, such as it is.
It may suck.
But it's the only one I have.
I guess I'm just not ready to let it go.
I can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
What am I supposed to let go of?
What am I supposed to hold on to?
The same age old question that always plagues my mind.
God, where are You?
I just cannot tell.
Are You there?
Can You touch me and make me feel alive?
I've tried so many times.
I'm a miserable failure.
I've missed the mark time after time.
God, here I am.
God, can You see me here?
I know I'm just a speck of sand.
But, will You look at me.
Please, will You come close.
Believing is just so hard for me right now.
I am just not so sure of anything.
I know that You are there somewhere.
Up above, looking down on me.
I need to know that if I am known or not.
'Cause I hate this life of mine.
I want to give it back.
I want my money back, it's broken and doesn't work any more.
Not that it ever did.
I am almost worn out.
I am so weary and faint.
My soul has become one big lament.
An ode to nothing.
I've tried trading this pain for another.
I continually swallow these little white lies.
There's no salvation for me.
Not like this.
Who am I God?
Where am I God?
Oh God, why?
I feel so far away, and yet, You seem so very close.
I can't deny how much that I need You.
As much as it hurts.
As much as I hurt.
Please take these wounds and heal them.
Make them scars.
Scars that are beautiful.
Please make my life something worth living.
Show me that I am worth more than the sum of everything that I am.
I am worth more than the sum of everything that I am.
Who am I?
Can You tell me?
Take me to where I am.
Bring an armistice to the war I've been fighting, for an entire lifetime, as it seems.
I've retreated, I surrender.
I will accept any terms You have for me.
Oh what a shock.
I am stunned.
I am in complete awe.
I look at where I am now and I remember where I was then.
I am a new me.
A whole different me.
Oh what You've done for me and to me.
You took something incomplete.
And made me something complete.
I found myself when I found You.
Or was it You found me?
Here I am, here I go.
Never on my own.
Not ever on my own terms.
I just end up fighting with who I want to be.
I will never be alone.
Not in anything.
Oh what a story my life was, and it still is.
As it is still being written.
Everyday another blank page.
Just waiting to be written upon.
I am mindful of all that was still is.
I still hurt.
I'm still angry.
i still hate.
And I still cannot forgive myself.
But I will not ever give up.
Watch, as off I go.
Up into the wild blue yonder.
My faith is kinetic.
I don't know what's coming.
Yeah, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I'm not perfect.
But I'm still trying.
I'm still striving.
God, just don't let me go.
Never leave me on my own.
Never leave me alone.
I know I am Yours.
But knowing how I can be.
I will forget from time to time.
And I will need You to remind me.
With Your grace and Your unfailing love.
You are love.
Love perseveres.
Love always believes.
Love overcomes everything.
And Love has overcome me.


PSALM 6:2-4; 6-7

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; Oh Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish. How long, Oh Lord, how long? Turn, Oh Lord, and deliver me; save me because of Your unfailing love.
I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.




I fall all apart sometimes.
Feeling all alone with my pain.
Often my life feels as though it is all in ruins.
I tear myself down.
I tear myself to shreds.
Hope seems so foreign to me.
Faith feels like a broken crutch.
The rock I was standing on melted.
And just where is love?
Maybe I am blinded by all my corrosive tears.
My heart is turning to rust.
It is only a matter of time before I am consumed.
I've lost myself again.
I just up and left when I wasn't looking.
Lord, I cry out to You.
I just do not know where I am any more.
I do not know what happened to me.
Lord, please tell me what is going on.
'Cause I just don't know.
I am angry, confused and frustrated.
It seems as though You have forsaken me.
I do not see You in my life any more.
Is it because I walked away from You?
Somehow I still know that You are still with me.
Through all of everything You remained at my side.
You never left me.
It's just so hard for me to see You right now.
All the hurt, pain, and the harms have blinded me once again.
And I am down on bloodied hands and knees again.
All I know is that I am dying to live.
But I am afraid to live.
More so, I am afraid to even try.
I look at my scars and I remember that I was the one who caused them.
I hurt myself, it's what I do.
I couldn't help myself if my life depended on it.
And the sad truth is that it does.
I feel so empty and hollow.
Alone, naked, ashamed and afraid.
I shiver from the cold that is my life.
I exist on a plane of total absence of light.
This so-called life is dead.
I feel so spent.
I am beyond weary.
I crashed and burned a long time ago.
I never really did recover.
Lord, only You remain.
Only You remain faithful.
Even to this time and place.
Where all others have left me behind.
Leaving me for dead.
You never did expect too much from me.
You were the One who always gave.
And only You always forgave.
I see all that.
I see You for who You are.
As much as I hurt, Lord, Your love comforts me.
Deep down I know I'm going to make it through.
In spite of myself.
And that's all I really want.




You tell me how my life is.
You tell me how it should be.
You tell me how to live it.
Tell me this; what gives you the right to tell me how to live?
You don't even know me.
You don't even see me.
I don't care about your intentions.
I don't care about about what you mean.
You are so arrogant.
You are so ignorant.
This is my life!
Only I decide how I should live.
Not you, not ever!
You are a fool.
I don't want any of your folly.
I will not swallow any of your fodder.
Do you really think that you know better than me?
Just how I should be living.
What kind of person I should be.
Because, I must say, "You do no such thing!"
Go back to your own miserable life.
Leave mine alone.
Stay out of mine.
You are not welcome.
Take your hollow words and keep them to yourself.
I am no longer listening.
All I am hearing is just babble to me.
So just go!
You are not needed.
I'm the one who will live this life, such as it is.
The choice is mine to make.
I am the one who will decide.
Not you!
Go slither back into the little dark hole from where you came.
I do not care about you.
Or anything you have to say.
This is my life to live.
And I am going to live it.
The best I can.




I don't want to live forever.
The time I have is just fine.
I don't need to remain forever young.
I've lived my yesterdays.
I have a new path to take.
New ventures to seek.
A tomorrow to look for.
And a today to live.
I have all I need.
And I am content with just that.
What more could there possibly be?
I am not left wanting for anything.
My own selfish desires have been satisfied.
I will take no more.
Instead I will give what I can.
I see the scars from old wounds.
I still remember from which they came from.
I can see how far I have been brought.
Never alone was I.
Those scars remind me of the grace that was shown me.
And the grace that I still know.
I cannot say everything is just alright.
For that would be a lie.
No I'm not okay.
But that is okay.
I still have a life to live.
And I still have some time to use.
I will continue to try my best.
And to always give my best.
I may never be perfect.
But that does not mean that I will not at least try.
I have a journey to make.
New paths to follow.
All my hope is in One.
I will always trust in His way.
I remember that I have never been left alone.
Even though I have lost sight of that from time to time.
Here I am.
Off I will go.
Using the time I have left the best that I can.
Inviting some to share in it with me.
I will not live forever.
But eternity awaits me.
That is where all my paths will lead.
I will not cease till I am back home.
No matter how weary and faint I become.
Home is where I want to be.
Forever will I forget in time.




There have been times I have felt so cold and dark within.
I just could not face life right then.
So I would creep away to go hide.
To separate.
To isolate.
Those are the times I remember so vividly.
The times I wish I could just forget.
Cut them out of my mind.
Tear them from my heart and soul.
But their grip is deep and hard.
No amount of tears will wash them away.
Oh, if I could just burn them from my mind.
Schorch all those memories.
Blacken them all.
But all those times remain with me still.
I cannot escape them.
They haunt me night and day.
Oh God, I cannot take this any more!
Can you chase my demons from out of my mind?
I just want a moment's peace.
A moment's rest.
For I've been fighting for so long.
I have grown weary.
I am feeling faint.
I know I can't do this alone.
I've held it all in for far too long.
I am broken.
I am wounded.
I am infected.
Anger has taken me.
Hate has consumed me.
I don't know who I am any more.
If I ever needed You, now is that time.
Take me away from myself.
Banish the demons from my mind.
Suck out the poison from my heart.
Sew my soul back together again.
I've had enough.
No more! Is my cry.
I'm down to one last breath.
I'm holding on to my one last hope.
And that hope is You.
Here I am.
Please take me away.
Far away from me.
Let me know comfort for the first time in a long time.
If ever at all.
Cover me.
Restore me.
Breathe life back into me.
I just want to be whole again.
For the first time.
Those are the times that have brought me here.
I do not know where is here.
Am I supposed to be here?
I just want a place to call my own.
A place to call home.
For I have never felt or known of that.
Please hear me God!
Come to me now.
For I cannot go on.
My strength is depleted.
Here I lie dying.
I'm reaching for You with the last ounce of strength I have.
I'm looking to You.
Please come for me.
I close my eyes.
Is that You that I can see?
Somehow I feel assured.
I feel alive again.
I hope I can put those times far behind me.
I hope I can put all those times out of my mind.
Oh, to know freedom.
Oh, to not feel completely and utterly afraid any more.
All I ever needed was You.




You are fear.
You are arrogance.
You are ignorance.
You are foolishness.
You are folly.
You are anger.
You are hate.
You are judgement.
You are ridicule.
You are the dark.
You are unwanted.
You are pity.
You are self-loathing.
You are blindness.
You are poison.
You are caustic.
You are a biohazard.
You are contagious.
You are disease.
You are plague.
You are nothing.
You are unwanted.




I fall, You lift me up.
I fail, You give me the strength to keep trying.
I get lost, You find me.
I wander astray, You come for me.
I cry out, You hear me.
I hurt, You comfort me.
I cry, You wipe away the tears.
I fall into chaos, You become a voice of reason.
I feel alone, You love me.
No matter what, You are with me.


PSALM 7:10
My shield is God Most High, who saves the upright in heart.



I hold my anger in my hands.
My eyes are burning red.
As I burn another line.
This pain is almost bliss.
As I watch the crimson tears flow.
My mind floats away.
I am no longer here.
As I burn another line into my flesh.
And more crimson tears flow.
I am so high.
I have escaped.
At least for now.
But I don't care about that right now.
The devil in my mind is released.
I burn another line into my flesh.
Watching all the crimson tears trace lines down my arms I feel so euphoric.
I can dance on the air.
I swallow some tears.
The taste is hypnotic.
All my cares and woes all melt away.
I am addicted to this feeling.
I swallow this pain.
Beautiful pain.
The lines on my arms.
I drift off.
The dark of sleep takes me.
When I awake I see the fresh wounds.
And look at all the scars.
Those caustic feelings come rushing back at me.
Where's the euphoria now?
As I feel the pain from my self-inflicted wounds.
My mind focuses on them.
That's the pain I'd rather feel.
I'm hoping to escape from the hell I am living in.
I just want to feel something other than that pain.
That pain is eating away at me.
I don't want to die.
But I don't want to live dead either.
God please hear me.
Are You there?
I just want all this pain to go away.
Will You take it away, I don't want it any more?
I'm reaching out to You.
Take these scars and make them beautiful.
Make me beautiful.
Can You do that for me?


PSALM 25:16-18m
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress.(m)



I live in visible silence sometimes.
The ridicule and judgement just gets too much for this broken hearted man.
My feelings get the better of me.
Bringing out the worst in me.
I sink out of sight.
The wounds are too much.
If only they could realize what their words have the power to do.
If only they could see the damage their words inflict on a vulnerable heart.
I have trouble believing sometimes.
My emotions cloud over my mind.
Breaking an already broken heart.
My tears saturate my soul.
I feel as though I am drowning.
Maybe I really am.
I feel so cold.
That's what the darkness does to me.
Despair washes over me.
Again, I feel as though I am drowning.
I am fighting just to keep my head up.
It's almost impossible when I am constantly being pulled down.
And I am pushed down as well.
Then I am walked upon.
Some are blind to me.
Oh, what they do to me!
But it doesn't really matter.
Even though it should be a crime.
Why should the innocent always be the ones who pay?
Someone is getting away with murder.
That makes me angry.
Which just adds to all the damage already inflicted.
I just cannot help myself.
I only seem to make it worse.
I keep all the harms under cover.
The wounds are just too ugly to look at.
If only they could see.
But I think they would still turn a blind eye.
Out of sight, out of mind, right?
You see me, but you do not.
You just do not know what you have done.
Just forget it.
Just forget me.
I will be here in visible silence.



Those who were my enemies without cause hunted me like a bird.
They tried to end my life in a pit and threw stones at me; the waters closed over my head, and I thought I was about to be cut off.
I called on Your Name, Oh Lord, from the depths of the pit.
You heard my plea: "Do not close Your ears to my cry for relief."
You came near when I called You, and You said, "Do not fear."
Oh Lord, You took up my case; You redeemed my life.
You have seen, Oh Lord, the wrong done to me. Uphold my cause!
You have seen the depth of their vengeance, all their plots against me.



I was a happy little child once.
I loved to laugh and play.
I was so innocent and free.
But that was then.
The innocence was ripped from me.
All happiness and joy just disappeared.
Tears became normal for me.
Why did he have to beat me?
I just wanted him to love me.
It was all in the name of discipline.
But all I learned was hurt, anger and hate.
You cannot see the scars, but they are there.
In my mind I can still feel all the pain.
In my mind I am still bleeding.
There are still times that I just fall all apart.
I come all undone.
I still cry.
I'm still angry.
It's so hard to forgive when it hurts so much.
And how am I supposed to love?
That frightened, angry little boy is inside this man.
Making this man frightened and angry.
Tears still fall.
As I try to let go of all of it.
But it all just will not let go of me.
Trapped and imprisoned.
God, where are You?
I need You now more than ever.
I cannot take this any more.
The harms are still tearing me to shreds.
Here's my heart.
Will You take it and hold my heart.
Please bring peace and comfort to me.
To the boy that is in the man.
The man that is still that little boy.