(Page 1)

They say life waits for no one.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
You have to move on or get left behind.
But how do you move on if you are already lost?
Then who's to blame?
Who's fault is it?
The ever passing moment is ever passing me by.
I never get a chance.
Not that I'd try.
Life's not fair and I don't care.
I was born forsaken.
The world was against me from when I breathed my first breath,
I was at war with myself from the very beginning.
So, tell me, who's to blame?
Who's fault is it?
Was it mine for letting go of everything?
But wait, didn't they say that you must let it all go?
It will only weigh you down, slowing your pace.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
When do I hold on?
When do I let go?
And what does it all mean?
It's all just so confusing and frustrating.
How am I expected to live this life?
When so many voices are telling me something different every time I turn around.
I just want to get away.
Where there is no one around for miles and miles.
Just me and my own thoughts.
Maybe that's not such a good thing.
My mind is fragmented.
I am broken and i am damaged.
And they say that I need to just deal with it.
What the hell does that mean?
How am I supposed to if I do not know how?
I am always being pushed and pulled.
It's a wonder that I haven't come all apart.
Then again, maybe I have.
I just do not know.
I'm not sure about anything.
I second guess myself on everything.
I sank to an all time low a long time ago.
And they say I just need to pick myself up and carry on.
I would if I could.
I think they all should just shut up!
I don't care about what they say.
They only cloud an already clouded over mind.
Just like a dense fog.
Who's to blame?
Who's at fault?
Who's responsibility is it?
I'm just so sick of it all.
This so-called life of mine.
This so-called world I look at below.
Life leaves me behind.
The world keeps spinning faster and faster.
I wish somebody would stop the world, I want to get off.
Here I am, trying to find a place to belong in a place where I don't belong.
Is there anywhere for me.
Is there a purpose for me?
What the hell am I here for?
What use am I if I can't even help myself?
I've been trying to find some reason for me being here.
To no avail.
I'm still here, in the middle of nowhere.
Living on the outskirts of life.
All my paths just go in circles.
'Round and 'round, it makes me sick.
'Round and 'round, I feel so dizzy.
Is it my life that is spinning?
Or is it me who's spinning?
Where are they now?
I need someone to tell me what this life is for.
Again I hear the silence screaming inside my mind.
I'm about to explode, or is it implode?
Deeper and deeper I sink.
Faster and faster I fall.
I have reached terminal velocity.
There's no hope for me now.
Another crash and burn is imminent.
Dummy, dummy had a great fall.
And no one could put me back together again.
I hold all of the pieces in my shaking hands.
Not knowing what I am supposed to do.
What am I supposed to do?
How can I live with myself now?
God, can You maybe tell me?
I've heard that You are good and great.
Can You help me?
Will You help me?
I need to find You.
You see, I am lost.
And I am all alone.
Unforgiven and forsaken.
Oh how it hurts.
Oh how it all hurts.
How am I supposed to forgive this broken down man, when I hurt just so very much?

                                                          (Page 2)

Despair in myself continues on.
I am still here.
Imprisoned within myself.
Within my own prison.
A prison of my own making.
Six walls.
No windows.
No door.
With a total absence of light.
With my loneliness as my only companion.
At least I have one thing.
Day and night do not exist for me any more.
I've forgotten what day it is.
Who cares anyway?
Reality is slipping from my grasp.
I am no longer lucid.
My silence is becoming my madness.
It still screams in my mind.
I am angry.
I hate.
I rage.
The anarchy and chaos in my mind is slowly tearing me apart.
It's a slow death.
A long, painful suicide.
All I know is regret.
And I regret that I regret.
What else was I supposed to do?
What choice did I have?
How could I choose, when I had no choice?
I am forgotten.
I have forgotten.
I am slipping away.
Slowly fading to black.
I can hear the bells tolling for me.
God, where are You?
I am just not ready to die, not just yet.
God please come hear.
God please come near.
Hear my cries.
Hear my pleas.
I beg of You.
Please set me free.
Set me free from myself.
Bring this lifewar to an end.
Can You bring peace to me?
Bring peace to my fragmented mind.
Bring healing to my shattered heart and torn soul.
God, can You here me?
God, will You answer me?
My borrowed time is coming due.
The hour glass has almost emptied.
I've only a pittance of hope left.
You are my only hope.
I am trusting in You.
Tell me, how long am I supposed to wait?
It seems it's been an eternity already.
I am so afraid.
I see everything growing dim.
Darkness is closing in on me from all fronts.
Tell me, when will this hellish stalemate end.
Will I ever push everything that is harming me back?
It's all in my mind.
As they say.
But I question all that.
I may not know or understand what is going on, but I know a lie when I hear one.
Or do I.
I've lived an entire lifetime of deception.
The lies were mostly my own.
I was just trying to forget it all.
I was trying to put it all out of my mind.
But, lies are a stubborn lot.
Once they got their talons dug into you they just will not let go.
Not without a fight.
As I said, they're a stubborn lot, and just will not give up.
Even if it means killing the one they are living in.
Oh God, I cannot bear any of this any more.
I am so cold, naked and afraid.
Great shame has stained me red.
Another burden weighing on me.
I'm down on bloodied knees, unable to stand any more.
I'm being crushed 'neath all the weight.
God, can You take all of this off of me, please?
'Cause I'm just not strong enough.
And I cannot continue going on my own.
I cannot live on my own terms any more.
I have betrayed myself again.
I have become my own worst enemy.
God, can You save me from me.
Sooner or later I'm going to do myself in.
Right now I am slowly heading there.
And right now I am still not ready to die.

                                                           (Page 3)

Here I am again still.
Frozen in place by all my tears.
My heart is so corroded it cannot beat.
I can no longer breathe.
God, can You possibly bring me back to life.
My life, such as it is.
It may suck.
But it's the only one I have.
I guess I'm just not ready to let it go.
I can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.
What am I supposed to let go of?
What am I supposed to hold on to?
The same age old question that always plagues my mind.
God, where are You?
I just cannot tell.
Are You there?
Can You touch me and make me feel alive?
I've tried so many times.
I'm a miserable failure.
I've missed the mark time after time.
God, here I am.
God, can You see me here?
I know I'm just a speck of sand.
But, will You look at me.
Please, will You come close.
Believing is just so hard for me right now.
I am just not so sure of anything.
I know that You are there somewhere.
Up above, looking down on me.
I need to know that if I am known or not.
'Cause I hate this life of mine.
I want to give it back.
I want my money back, it's broken and doesn't work any more.
Not that it ever did.
I am almost worn out.
I am so weary and faint.
My soul has become one big lament.
An ode to nothing.
I've tried trading this pain for another.
I continually swallow these little white lies.
There's no salvation for me.
Not like this.
Who am I God?
Where am I God?
Oh God, why?
I feel so far away, and yet, You seem so very close.
I can't deny how much that I need You.
As much as it hurts.
As much as I hurt.
Please take these wounds and heal them.
Make them scars.
Scars that are beautiful.
Please make my life something worth living.
Show me that I am worth more than the sum of everything that I am.
I am worth more than the sum of everything that I am.
Who am I?
Can You tell me?
Take me to where I am.
Bring an armistice to the war I've been fighting, for an entire lifetime, as it seems.
I've retreated, I surrender.
I will accept any terms You have for me.
Oh what a shock.
I am stunned.
I am in complete awe.
I look at where I am now and I remember where I was then.
I am a new me.
A whole different me.
Oh what You've done for me and to me.
You took something incomplete.
And made me something complete.
I found myself when I found You.
Or was it You found me?
Here I am, here I go.
Never on my own.
Not ever on my own terms.
I just end up fighting with who I want to be.
I will never be alone.
Not in anything.
Oh what a story my life was, and it still is.
As it is still being written.
Everyday another blank page.
Just waiting to be written upon.
I am mindful of all that was still is.
I still hurt.
I'm still angry.
i still hate.
And I still cannot forgive myself.
But I will not ever give up.
Watch, as off I go.
Up into the wild blue yonder.
My faith is kinetic.
I don't know what's coming.
Yeah, I'm afraid.
Yeah, I'm not perfect.
But I'm still trying.
I'm still striving.
God, just don't let me go.
Never leave me on my own.
Never leave me alone.
I know I am Yours.
But knowing how I can be.
I will forget from time to time.
And I will need You to remind me.
With Your grace and Your unfailing love.
You are love.
Love perseveres.
Love always believes.
Love overcomes everything.
And Love has overcome me.


PSALM 6:2-4; 6-7

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; Oh Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish. How long, Oh Lord, how long? Turn, Oh Lord, and deliver me; save me because of Your unfailing love.
I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.



  1. Dear Scott, Thank you for being brave to speak accurately. Your photo looks like you are still a young man. I'm 52 and the mother of three adult sons, with twins who have severe autism. I divorced my husband on September 3, 2013, after 23 years of being at the end of my rope, hanging there for no reason. I feel every word you've written. I have a huge repertoire, compliments of childhood, in the DSM-V....i actually believe i am more than convenient labels. At any rate, my love for God eventually helps me transcend even my darkest, dankest thoughts. I hope you'll understand: imperfect means i'm perfect, with Christ living in me, 24/7 times every other moment ... in the life I'm here. Whatever pulls us into pain, we have Christ to comfort us, until we Holy Spirit LIFT UP AND OUT.

  2. Tea, thank you for your kind words and comments. Also, thank you for sharing a bit of your story.
    Oh, I'm actually 45 years young. Thank you for the compliment though. But 45 is just a number, meaningless. I refuse to grow up, I fight passionately to keep my inner child alive, wanting to have that child-like faith that I sorely miss.
    Anyway, God bless & Godspeed.

  3. Your words are so very deep; when i read I really feel your pain, of course yours is different from mine.. but no one gets it until you have lived it...your words are just so relatable..God bless you.

    1. Thank you K. I can only hope my words will be relatable to someone.
      I write with dark and graphic subject matter because that is how the world and life are.
      The truth hurts. And people have to face that.
      We cannot just turn a blind eye to it and hope it all will go away if we do.
      Out of sight, out of mind is a great big lie.
      So i illustrate a lot of my life views, world views, human nature, which I am student of.
      I illustrate my greatest passion, next to of course, God. That being mental illness, which I have 5 of.
      There's also my own sin and my own personal relationship with my God.
      As I said,the truth hurts. Feelings and emotions tend to lie.
      You cannot live in the truth until you can accept that it does indeed hurt and hurts a lot.
      One must be willing to face all the darkness in the world and life before one can come into the light, so to speak.
      I base what I write on a lot of things obviously.
      In a figurative translation, not a literal one, in the first-person or an autobiographical style.
      Again, K, thank you for your kind words, they offer me great encouragement.
      I'm glad I could give you something to feel and to relate to.
      God bless & Godspeed.

  4. "One must be willing to face all the darkness in the world and life before one can come into the light, so to speak."

    That statement shows how much light you have inside.

    And some paralyzingly painful things even have to be lived through again, in mind and heart, to be free of them.

    1. Thank you Sandi.
      Life does tend to come at me and come at me hard. Such is my life sometimes. But it only serves to send me running to my Saviour and reminds me just how very much that I need Him.


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