There's a tear in my soul.
I can hear the whistle as it breathes out.
There's a hole in my heart.
Where you used to be.
Here I am now, bleeding out, remembering you.
It's like cutting myself wide open.
I do it to myself every time.
Each time the blade goes deeper and deeper.
Memories of you are dark,
darker than a starless night sky.
I would give anything just to have some more time.
Time to finish what was beginning.
The healing was just beginning.
Then it just ended.
But not for me.
I remember that night well.
My last words to you were so malicious.
I never knew that that night would be the last night that I would miss the chance to make everything right.
Not that I did not have the time prior.
We had a whole lifetime together.
Forty years passed by so fast.
We both missed the chance to bridge the chasm between us.
You did try though.
But it was just not good enough for a selfish man such as I was.
I swallowed your poison years long gone.
So I took every opportunity to spit it all back in your face.
You dropped all your anger and hate all on me,
so I did the same to you.
I never could love or forgive myself,
much less anyone else.
But all this doesn't matter any more.
The time in the glass jar ran out a long time ago,
and no one ever turned it back over.
I never could say that I love you,
but I sure could say that I hate you easily.
And those words were more than just words.
I caused you much hurt and pain.
I remember hearing you crying alone in your room,
as I used to in my room all those years ago.
Why does history have to repeat itself all the time?
But history is only shaped by all our choices and decisions.
We did it to ourselves, you and I.
I would have liked to let you in to where we could begin again for the first time.
And learn to love and forgive so the healing could begin.
But when you fell asleep that night and never woke up, brought all that to an abrupt halt.
You never did say good-bye.
The angels quietly came and took your soul back home.
Leaving me here with all of my regrets.
Which I regret having.
It never did hit me that you were gone.
The shock of that night remains to this very day.
The hurt and the pain certainly are still here.
I feel it all to my very core.
Right here, right now, I just want to take all that I said and did back.
I just want one more chance to look into your eyes,
to say that I am sorry for everything.
But those bridges were turned to charcoal and ash quite some time ago.
I would give anything to see you one more time just to hold you in my arms and to tell you I now understand you.
"God, could You tell my father that I am sorry and that I forgive him."
"And God, could You tell him that I love him?"
"One more thing God, could you teach me to love and forgive myself?"
Then the healing could begin.
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY