Wide awake again.
All alone in my lonely room.
My tears stain my pillow.
My cries are silent.
Even though they scream endlessly in my mind.
I feel so cold.
Sitting in this prison that I have condemned myself to.
Complete darkness covers me.
I ache all over.
No energy have I.
My will I have lost.
But at least I still have hope.
And a small measure of faith.
After is all said and done and at the end of the day they are all that I have.
Something to keep me looking forward.
Giving me a reason to keep on keeping on.
No matter how much that I want to right now I will not give up.
Not just yet.
I'm not quite ready to die.
No, not just yet.
But still here I remain.
Not knowing what is going on with and in me.
This chaos takes so much from me.
I am so frustrated and angry and don't even know why.
I no longer find peace nor solace here.
It's just a place that I dwell in visible silence.
I ask myself if I really care any more at all.
I feel like a leper.
People fear me.
And that just really hurts.
Another hurt upon many other hurts.
Sometimes it's almost impossible to see what is going on.
Even though I feel so much hurt and pain I'd rather feel that than feel nothing at all.
At least I'd know that I am still alive.
Numbness wouldn't serve me well at all.
I already feel cold enough, and that's quite enough.
Still, I sit here alone.
My mind just will not leave me be.
It's always getting in the way..
Causing my feelings to lie to me constantly.
At times I just do not know who or what to trust.
At times I feel so lost, down in the absolute darkness of my careless afflictions.
Oh how I need to sleep.
I need to escape this hell within me.
Just one blessing would be nice instead of always being cursed.
Through my tears I can see the refracted light.
It's almost surreal.
I'm not sure of what to make of it.
My feelings are getting in the way again.
"Just get out of my mind, give me a moment of peace of mind. That's not asking too much is it?" I cry out.
I cannot take it any more.
God, I am looking for You.
I've been waiting for You for so long, forever it seems.
My heart longs for You.
For I know You will provide.
But it's just so hard right now.
I am still here alone.
Even though I know that You are here with me Jesus.
My feelings are causing so much confusion in my already fragmented mind.
It hurts so much, my fractured soul.
All tattered and torn.
I have been here for too long.
I've grown to hate this place within myself.
I even have grown to hate the me that I am right now.
So broken and battered.
God please take me away from myself.
I do not get along with me any more.
I get so angry at myself.
I loathe that I am betrayed time after time.
Now my emotions hate me and have declared all out war on me.
As if my life wasn't a battlefield already.
And I feel so much more anger, almost growing into rage.
God this is who and how I am right now.
I feel so far away from You.
I can no longer see or hear You.
I feel forgotten about, I feel forsaken.
There's my feelings lying to me again.
I just don't know.
What the hell is going on?
God please take me away from my this hell.
Teach me truth.
Show me freedom.
Remove the fog from around me.
Give me sight once again.
Take away all of my fear, even though I'm not sure of just what it is that I fear.
My emotions have given me up once again.
And my feelings are lying to me again, "Oh of course!"
I'm seeking sanctuary, but I just get asylum.
Locked away and forgotten in some damned sanitarium.
I'm just so sick of it all.
Right now I feel so infected.
The poison has spread throughout all of me.
God, I am looking for You still.
I must be doing something wrong.
'Cause I am just not seeing You, and I still cannot hear You.
Maybe it's just me.
But I don't think so.
I blame the scorched world all around me.
It has driven me mad.
I declare war on it all.
I declare war on all that imprisons me.
I am serving notice to all that is dark and cold in me...
...and THIS MEANS WAR!
I may not be able to fight for myself right now.
But there is One who is willing to fight for me.
I may not be able to stand on my own right now.
But there is One who is able to lift me up and carry me.
I may have no peace of mind right now.
But there is One who comforts and soothes me.
I know I cannot continue on on my own.
Definitely not for my own.
And certainly not on my own terms.
It never really works out anyway.
I'm just not smart enough.
I'm just not strong enough.
God, I am calling on You.
Please bring me back to life again for the first time.
Breathe oxygen into my heart.
Let my heart breathe once more.
My heartstrings are frayed and coming undone.
I am cracking and crumbling into fine dust.
I just want to see some light in my scorched world again.
I really hate these blood red skies.
Down on bloodied knees.
Alone here I sit.
In my lonely and cold room.
Somehow I can feel You in my life, such as it is.
I don't know if I believe in everything's going to be "okay".
I really don't think I will be going back to "okay" again,
not that I was ever there.
I just don't know.
God please turn down the world for me tonight.
Can You wash all the soot and grime from this world of mine off of me.
I need to rest right now.
Can You please shut off my mind?
I just need a little peace right now.
Let sleep take over me.
I don't want to think about all this any more.
It's been too long already.
Here I am, alone, but not lonely.
I am feeling You right here with me.
Let me fall into Your arms.
I really want to rest.
Put my heart and soul at peace tonight.
Lay me down assured.
These are things of which I have never known.
I am pleading with You, God.
Take away all of my fear.
Heal all of my afflictions before they kill me.
Here I am, still waiting.
I know Your love will be right on time, it always is.
I know I am not out of reach of Your love.
When Lord? Is what I am asking right now.
I can still feel the dampness on my pillows from the tears that continue to fall from my bloodshot eyes.
Either take everything from off of me or I will just push everything deeper down still.
I'm sure it will make a mess out of me that is already a mess.
I will close my eyes.
It's You I want to see.
God come take and hold my heart.
God please keep me.
On my own I am just not sound.
Much less safe.
Awake, alone in my lonely room, please hear my silent cries.
I'm trusting in Your grace and unfailing love.
Oh God, I need You here now, right now!
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY