I look around me.
At the world that I live in.
I see scorched skies and scorched earth.
The air that I breathe chokes me.
And I feel so empty.
I walk along my way.
Feeling oh so alone.
Where did everything go?
Whatever happened to me?
Where did I go wrong?
I want to know.
I need to know.
God, I feel so very far away from You.
I cannot hear You any more.
I cannot feel You any more.
The tears flow freely.
I wipe them away.
I try to hide them.
I don't want anyone to see.
No one needs to know.
They would not understand anyway.
And I fear the ridicule that would surely come.
I am having trouble believing these days.
I am losing hope in these hard times.
With my faith slipping away from me in these dark days.
I have fallen so many times that I cannot get up any more.
The pain that I feel freezes my soul.
My heart is no longer breathing.
My mind just crumbles into dust.
I am broken.
This life is no place for this man to live.
I am not fit to survive on my own.
I don't know why I continue to try.
Just what is it that I am looking for?
What do I want?
What do I need?
I know this,
I know not.
My skies are always falling down on me.
My walls are all in ruins.
Weathered and withered am I.
Living for me hurts so very much.
That's why I am afraid to do so.
I'm even afraid to try.
What does it mean to live anyway?
What kind of man do I need to be?
And why do I seem to be so far away from myself?
I do not even know who I am.
God, how did I end up being this way?
Is it all a lie?
I sure hope it is.
I hope I open my eyes and it was all just a bad dream.
But I do not think that it is.
It is all so very real to me.
This is my reality.
I have been hurt.
I feel pain every day.
All the harms I have known keep me this way.
I look around me.
At the world around me.
It's then that I realize that I am actually looking in myself.
It's not about the world around me.
It's about the world within me.
That's where I live.
That's where I am slowly killing myself.
God please save me from myself.
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY