(I AM) ALL I HAVE

I have been so far down.
I could not even begin to see up.
I was cold and frightened.
Loneliness was my only companion.
My mind had fragmented even more.
"I cannot be fixed," I thought to myself.
Hope was so far gone.
I din't know where I was going.
Or even where I had been for that matter.
The noise in my head was deafening.
I had my eyes closed so tight.
The pressure on me was immense.
It was slowly crushing me.
I was cracking and I was bleeding out.
I was crumbling before my very eyes.
I fought just to breathe.
I fought back the hurt and the pain.
But it was all futile.
I was coming apart at the seams.
The pressure at the hinges was breaking them.
My heartstrings were all fraying and snapping.
I could not see any more.
I could not feel good any more.
I was far beyond not well.
I was not okay, not that I was ever.
There is no going back now for me.
I am way beyond the point-of-no-return.
I reached terminal velocity and 
  had crashed and burned.
There was nothing of me left, or at least,
  very little.
What little there was was quite broken.
That's where I was, lying on my face
  in the dirt.
I was just waiting for the darkness and despair
  to consume me.
All this had become the sum of everything
  that I was.
Somehow I just could not accept this for myself.
There had to be something else for me.
Something more that I could rise to.
Was all this really real anyway?
I questioned everything.
This has to end in order for me to begin again.
This is not me.
This is not who I am.
But rising above was a daunting task.
And I was so afraid.
Desperate to let it all go.
Desperate to hold on so I would not fall.
Where I had been, where I was, and 
  where I was heading separated me.
With all that I was I was all in little pieces.
Who could make me whole again?
Who could give me what I needed?
Who could save me from myself?
I am looking to you.
Just where are you?
Can you carry me up out of all this?
Can I put all my trust and hope in you?
Will you hold onto me and never let me down?
I need to know who I am.
I have so many questions.
I am so filled with doubt.
So many have lied to me.
So many have betrayed me.
Let me down and left me behind.
Somehow it was always all my fault.
Can you make me new again?
Can you show me the love I have never known.
I come to you, all in pieces, make me whole 
  again  please.
Here I am waiting for you.
Here I am believing in you.
I am still unsure.
My mind is still in fragments.
My heart is still broken.
My soul is still torn.
I am looking for you.
I am looking to you.
Here I am with all that I have, I am all I have.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(14/01/2013)