Blood flowed from his wounds.
Mixed with His tears.
Barely able to stand and support His own weight.
He was forced to carry the trees 
   for His own cross.
Ridiculed all of the way.
A crown fashioned out of large thorns 
   was shoved onto His brow.
He was still bleeding so much that the ground
   where He and the soldiers were standing 
     became red with His blood.
His already battered and beaten body 
   had the bones in His arms and legs broken.
He was then placed onto the crossed trees
   and was then nailed through each of His
    wrists and ankles.
Once the cross was raised His broken body
   began to hang low as He slowly began
    to suffocate to death.
Jesus cried out once, "Father why have you
    forsaken me?"
Jesus cried out again, "Father forgive them
   for they are ignorant."
Jesus cried out a third time, "Father 
   I commend my soul unto thee."
With that, His head lifted up and back
   and cried out with a mighty cry,
His head then dropped and 
   He breathed no more.
His corpse was then carefully taken down
   from the cross and neatly wrapped 
    in linen.
He was carried from the place called 
Taken to a borrowed tomb, His corpse was
    placed within.
Out of fear of His body being stolen and
   His followers proclaiming He had risen.
The elders of the law had a great stone 
   place in front of the entrance 
    to the tomb, sealing it.
To be continued...



Creation Gives Glory: God's Sorrow

Creation Gives Glory: God's Sorrow: Flushed by tears, they are wiped away Drained by pain, it begins to fade Distant memories ride through my mind Times were once easier, ...

A really good read, check it out.

Words of Joy: Broken

Words of Joy: Broken: Today is Good Friday and I am participating in Five Minute Friday - writing with no over-thinking, no backtracking, no editing - on the subj...
A really good read.~Scott.

Turning the Page - Spiritual Formation and Soul Talk for Mental Health : Shock Me with Terrible Goodness - Good Friday

Turning the Page - Spiritual Formation and Soul Talk for Mental Health : Shock Me with Terrible Goodness - Good Friday: Photo Credit: Adrien Sifre via Compfight cc   Shock Me with Terrible Goodness Holy One, Shock and save me with the terrible goodne...
A really good read.



So very far away, and yet, so very close.
You are right here with me.
Right here, right now.
I am never really alone.
You are in my life.
You gave me life.
You are my life.
I am lost without You.
And I am nothing apart from You.
I love how You love me.
It's a crying shame that I cannot do the same.
I am far from perfect.
I will still try to do my best.
For that is what You deserve.
And I am so grateful for all that You do in me,
   as well for me.
I don't deserve it, none of it.
I have my wanderlust that I just cannot control.
I wonder too much.
I often get away with myself.
That is when I tend to lose myself.
But, that is also when You move all Heaven
   and Earth just to find me.
My heart is Yours.
My heart is with You.
And where my heart is, that is my home.
Wrapped in Your arms.
Held by the very same hands that hold 
   the whole world.
You are so high above me.
Still, You know me.
Just a single speck of dust.
My Saviour, You saved me.
Your love was right on time.
I belong with You.
I belong to You.
No other place do I want to be.
No other one do I want to be with.
Such as I am, I am Yours.




I will not revolt.
I will not rebel.
There is too much anger and hate in the world
   as it is already.
But, I will begin while ending.
I will rebirth.
I will renew.
I will revive.
The world needs to see love and truth.
And acceptance beyond condemnation.
I am an eye to this.
I am a voice for this.
Put me down, but I will not stay down.
Bend me, but you cannot break me.
I will stand.
I will rise above.
The refining fire is already burning in me.
Setting me ablaze.
I will rise, I will light up the scorched skies.
But, not for me.
For the spreading of the flame in me.
I will ignite the world.
I will watch it burn.
And from the still glowing embers and ash.
Something new and beautiful shall rise 
   and soar.
It will be my hope.
It is my hope.
Hope is rising in me.
Hope is taking me.



(2) Alternative Christian Community - Google+

(2) Alternative Christian Community - Google+
A Google+ community I created for those Christians who are tired of the lie that is religion, and realize it's all about a one on One, personal relationship with our God through His Son Jesus Christ.
There a lot of categories to play with, including writing, blogging, a category for those with mental illness(es) and etc...Please feel free to check "us" out and I would love to have you become a member. Thank you for any and all support.


Waiting for sleep.
Tonight she's elusive.
I think my mind has chased her away.
Leaving me here alone.
Growing more frustrated with each 
   passing moment.
I call out to her.
But there is no response.
Now I am growing impatient.
I need sleep to be me.
Why does she hide from me?
Like the morning breeze.
Now I am growing angry.
Knowing I am chasing her further away.
I've scared her off again.
Spiteful and bitter she is.
I am helpless to her tantrums.
A slave to her notions.
She can be so sweet.
I welcome her into my mind.
I yearn for her.
I need her.
Oh sleep, where for art thou?
I am here alone.
Watching the minutes and seconds ticking away.
Knowing full well her world will soon 
    drift off to another land.
Leaving me drifting alone in an endless sea.
The imagination in my mind.
An occasional nemesis of mine.
Oh sleep, please come back to me.
Don't leave me here alone.
The dark is so lonely.
Night is so cold.
Sleep is my only comfort.
Sleep helps me escape myself for a time.
I fear I shall not see her tonight.




I waited for so long.
I almost missed out.
Life was passing me by.
There I stood in a big cloud of dust.
I was being left behind again.
Waiting was getting me nowhere.
I was tired of living in the middle of nowhere.
So, I decided then and there,
   I was going to find somewhere.
Somewhere for me.
Somewhere for me to belong.
Little did I know it was inside of me 
   the whole time.



In my mind I am nothing.
The sum of me amounts to zero.
Empty is my heart of everything.
All torn up, all torn down.
Storms come and carry me away in the torrent.
But a light is shining down on me.
Guiding me to safe harbour.
Guiding me home.
Warming my heart and soul.
I am breathing again for the first time.
Love has come and lifted me.
Love carries me.
I am held safe in the hands that hold the
   whole world.
I am holding on for all I am worth.
That may not be much, if anything at all.
But, it's all I have, to me that's everything.
I am become a flame.
I will burn bright.
Even if I am the dimmest light.
Shine! I can still shine! Shine I will!
I think my mind has it all wrong.
My true worth is found in who I am.
Hope is who I am.
Storms may continue to come and rage.
But the surge can only bend me, 
   never can it break me again.
My heart is filled to overflowing.
I am alive!
That's not just something, it is everything!
I am alive in the eternal light bright of love.



I am told to let go.
I am told to hold on.
I am told to open my mind.
I am told to close it.
I am told feelings lie.
I am told to listen to my feelings.
It's all so confusing.
It's all so frustrating.
I am tired of all the irony in life.
Life isn't supposed to be an oxymoron.
Why does everything have to be moot?
I try my very best.
But, how can I if I don't know?
Trust is gone from me.
Faith is no more.
I've been betrayed.
I've been let down, again.
And I am angry.
Do not tell me any more.
I'm not listening.
This world goes as it does.
Life is trampled underneath it all.
I have foot marks all over my back.
So, don't mind me if I just ignore you all.
I won't even listen to myself.
I just cannot tell one thing from another.
 I don't understand what it all means.
Does anything mean anything any more?
Just, everyone, shut it!




Looking for a life to live.
Where I don't have to be afraid.
Where I don't have to hide who I really am.
No judgement falls down on me.
I can stand and not fall.
I just want to smile and laugh.
Nothing is taken from me.
All is as it should be.
I know who I am.
I know where I am.
I can walk and not stumble.
I can breathe in and not choke.
I can see the good and beauty in myself.
I wonder...


Penned Passions by Elaine DeJong: The Warm Touch of My Love

Penned Passions by Elaine DeJong: The Warm Touch of My Love: The Warm Touch of My Love By Laney DeJong Could my love live without the warm touch of my love? For Tempest has not laid his co...



I see you in my dreams.
Are you just my imagination?
In my mind you are so very real.
I see your face so clearly.
I hear your voice as that of an angel.
My hope reaches for you.
Still just beyond me.
A part of me wants you to exist.
But my reality just will not allow it.
So you will remain far away.
Mourn I will not.
Yearn I will not.
This is where I am.
By my choice.
I am content to keep you in my dreams.



Can you see me?
Do you even care?
Do you understand?
That you are killing me.
You poured gasoline all over me then 
   lit the match.
Then stood back and watched me burn.
I know I am not the only one.
Hiding inside, lost deep within.
But there is no escape for any one.
You always find me.
You take away the hope from me.
You ripped the heart right of me.
My soul is torn to shreds.
I know that you know of what you do.
There is a darkness in you.
You are the contagion.
You spread your poison unchecked.
You do see me.
You do not care.
Your arrogance has made you ignorant.
I can see my blood on your hands.
And you are getting away with murder.
Me, and all others like me.
Suffer in silence.
In the end it will be the silence 
   that will take me.
You call me weak.
You call me a coward.
You say I am just in the way 
   as you push me aside.
Leaving a knife sticking out of my back.
But hear me now...I am rising.
You have knocked me down for the last time.
I am rising.
See the fire in my eyes?
That is determination.
That is a steel resolve.
You can do your worst.
Whether you realize it or not.
Your ignorance is no excuse!
Don't you dare came at me.
I have risen.
My fists are clenched.
My anger is righteous.
You pushed me so I am pushing back.
You put me down, now I am getting back up.
All your words and deeds I will shove right
   back down your own throat.
Tell me, how does it feel?
You don't like it do you?
Still you don't even know a fraction of what
   I have felt my whole life.
With my back up against the wall I am coming
   back out fighting.
I may go down again.
But I will rise...I will rise.




You gave me me.
I became you.
We are one in the same.
Our thoughts, our reasoning.
We saw the world in the same way.
I hated you for that.
And even more so, me, for allowing it.
I never wanted it to be that way.
It was enough for me for me to be me.
I wanted nothing of you in me.
If I could have I would have cut myself open
   and bled myself of you.
Love was just a muttered word.
A lie you sometimes told me.
Or at least, something I never believed.
Too many lies you already uttered to me.
Just empty words.
I tried to put you out of my mind.
I kept you out of my heart.
I cut you out of my life, then again,
   you were never there in the first place.
You left me out.
You left me behind.
You forgot about me.
I grew up without you.
Even though we shared the shame house.
You were hiding within yourself.
A poor excuse for the harms and damage 
   you inflicted on me.
The scars I still bear, physically, emotionally,
   and spiritually.
But that was long ago.
Another lifetime.
I often said it was my worst fear to become you
   or even like you.
Then life got in the way.
My worst fear became my reality.
I became you.
After all was said and done.
Here I am...you.
Same thoughts, same behaviours.
Alone with everything.
With no one understanding me.
With no one hearing or even listening to me.
People fear me, especially our family.
Family is dead to me.
But, still there is you.
Deep inside of me.
I can now see you as you were.
As who you were.
For they make up a big part of me.
You, me, are one.
You are me, I am you.
Our lives run parallel, even crisscrossing.
We are intertwined.
But, you are no longer here.
One night you left life for eternity.
You were there, I closed my eyes, 
   you were gone.
Leaving silently, peacefully.
You never said good-bye, but that's alright.
You are still here with me, within me.
Now that I can see you in me.
I can now understand you.
Too bad it took an entire lifetime.
In the tears I shed I speak to you.
In my tears I can hear your whisper.
As if on the wind.
I am you.
I am a man.
I can only hope to be the man you were.
I deceived myself.
I believed all the lies I told myself.
As it was with you it was with me.
Unable to love or forgive myself.
One in the same.
Because you lived, I will do my best to live.
With you inside of me, in my heart and soul.
I will take on this world.
I will take on myself.
It is no longer just me, now it's you and I.
And my tears still speak for me.
I am you, you are me.
So much alike.
Just a lifetime too late.




A wretched soul I am.
All twisted and torn.
Stained with red.
My mind lies in pieces on the floor.
With my heart in tatters.
Leaving me such a mess.
I yearn for something more.
Not a lot, just something.
Not a big request.
Is it too much to expect?
I'm thinking of a better life.
But does one really exist?
Not for me I think.
I feel like I am being punished.
Tell me, what did I do that was so wrong?
God, have I angered You in some way?
The answers seem to be just out of reach, 
   or beyond my feeble comprehension.
So, here I am as always.
Crying because I feel sorry for myself.
Ready to give up.




It's in the silence when I cry.
The lonely silence when my tears are shed.
In the emptiness of my room.
I feel the most alone.
It feels like a tomb.
Cold and dank.
And I feel dead inside.
It's the silence that screams the loudest.
It's deafening!
It's the silence that's driving me mad.
I am already half way there.
The lucid moments are getting fewer and fewer.
My cries come out silent.
Again the silence, ever there, ever present.
With its' fingers wrapped 'round my throat,
   squeezing slow.
In the end it is always the silence that is 
   the true killer.




Have you seen me?
I have been taken.
I don't know where I am.
I just want to go home.
But the way has been hidden from me.
My cries go unheard.
I don't like it here.
I am frightened.
My tears are all I have as companions.
Why am I here?
Did I do something wrong?
I just want to go back home.
But I am trapped here in a cage.
I am all alone, naked and cold.
I shiver, my tears all freeze.
I am kept blind from the dark that
   I am kept in.
Not only am I taken.
My innocence has been taken as well.
I have no hope.
My soul has died.
I wish I were dead too.
I just want to go home.




Endless days and endless nights.
Trapped within my mind.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know where I am.
I've lost myself somewhere along the way.
I live in chaos and confusion.
Despair has taken me.
Hope is stretched thin.
My heartstrings all come undone.
I am cracked and crumbling.
I am falling apart.
My sky has fallen down on me.
Here I am crying.
Here I am broken.
A former shell of a man.
A faint shadow of him.
I feel helpless.
I am losing grip on my reality.
I have lost peace of mind.
Can you lose something you never had?
Who I was, who I am, who I might be
   doesn't matter any more.
I cry tears of dust.
They sting my eyes.
My heart and soul have corroded.
I try to open up, but I cannot.
I try to reach out, but I cannot.
I am corroded in place.
Unable to think clearly.
Unable to move.
I begin to root to where I am.
My path has been erased.
My reason for being has been lost.
I have no more purpose.
I have forgotten what my life was for.
Lying here I might as well be buried.
Weariness owns me.
I cannot breathe, choking, suffocating.
Afraid to, afraid to even try to.
I am worn.
I am weathered.
I am burnt out.
I am fading away.
I cannot see the light any more.
Feeling forsaken, forgotten.
Lies, I know.
But, so hard to feel or think otherwise.
Mine is a life yet to be.
A life yet to be lived.
Years wasted.
A dead life.
I have become so dim.
The fire has become cold embers and ash
   taken by the cold wind.
The hard driving rain washes away what is left.
I am overcome, I am overwhelmed.
I fought the fight alone.
I was doomed from even before I began.
Now condemned, now damned.
I just want to know one thing:
   God where are you?
Are you there, way up there?
Please, I am pleading with you.
Please, will you come and save me from all this,
   save me from myself.
There is still a little spark of hope in me.
Faint as I am.
Can you even see me?
I know I am but one tiny little speck.
But am I known to you?
Please, I am begging.
Please, with this faint hope I still hold on.
But my grip is slipping.
I am just not strong enough.
I never was.
That's why I have led myself to where I am.
Wherever it may be.
This hope is all I have.
It's melting though, like a burning candle.
After all is said and done there is you, only you.
With my meagre trust, I give what is left of me
   to you.
Will you please take all the pieces and
   make me whole again.
Not that I ever was.
I will put my torn and tattered faith in you.
As I lay here dying I will believe.
As hopeless and helpless as I feel.
I am not ready to die just yet.
Even if that is what my life is.
Please, God, kindle that little spark into a flame.
Let it warm me, let it melt me.
May it become a fire within me once again.
Raze all that I have become.
Raze all that held me prisoner.
Raze all that lied to me.
Kill me, then make me reborn.
Give me wings, let me soar up above it all.
Like the phoenix, let me rise from my own ashes
   flying straight through the sun.
Jesus, Lord Saviour, please keep me.
Separate me from me.
Make me me, make me the me I am meant to be.
Show me just where I am.
Reveal who I am.
Take me up and far away from this dead and 
   desolate place.
I want to live.
Bring me back to life.
Breathe life into me.
Be my life.
Teach me to live again for the first time.
Teach me to love.
Teach me to forgive.
I will wait for you, I will wait upon you.
It's all that I an do.
As I am, such as I am.
I know I am far from perfect, but I will never
   again stop trying.
Never let me forget where I came from.
So I will never return.
I may not survive this time.
As I go, you go as well.
I will hold onto you, I know you will never
   let me down.
Here I am, I take a deep breath, I exhale,
   life starts now.




What will you become?
Striving for success.
Like the ever passing moment success is fleeting.
What is easily attained can just as easily be lost.
Take and it shall be taken.
There's always a bigger fish in the ocean.
You will be devoured whole.
Here one moment, gone the next.
Never to be remembered.
All you reach for is just out of your reach.
What you look for is just a mirage.
All of your life is just an illusion.
You have been deceived.
You swallowed all your own lies.
Now they are eating at you from the inside out.
You are corroding.
Rotting and decaying.
And still believe you live the perfect life.
You still believe you are someone.
Someone important.
You have it all, all you have ever wanted.
Still you are looking.
Looking for what?
There is nothing there.
You are nowhere.
You have gone nowhere.
You see it all in your mind.
A broken and veiled reality.
Walking in a dense and grey fog.
You have wandered astray and don't even know.
You see what you want to see.
You are blind to everything.
Living in your own Tower of Babel.
You think you are a god.
Nothing can bring you down.
But as before your tower will crumble and fall.
You will return to where you came from.
Returning to the dirt of the ground.
You will become dust once again.
Your arrogance makes you ignorant.
You will devour yourself.
You do not even realize what you have become.
You have become nothing.



You hurt me deeply.
Made my heart bleed.
Tore my soul apart.
Left me with permanent scars.
That's okay, those scars mean I have healed.
But, still I struggle to forgive you.
And I certainly cannot forget.
Some wounds just will not heal.
You took something from me that I don't know
   how to get back.
Gone is my innocence, child-like faith, 
   and child-like wonder.
Now my view of the world is distorted.
I look at my life through a broken window.
I still bear the scars from that.
In many ways I have healed.
I am better off, at least that's what I try to
   tell myself.
I may be stronger now than I was.
But at the same time I just cannot lift myself up.
I still remember those days, those times.
I remember screaming from the hurt that came
   from the harms being inflicted on me.
How could you?
I was just a child!
Your child!
I hate you for what you did to me.
But I still love you.
Even after it all.
That was then, this is now.
Those harms may still exist for me.
My heart is all scar tissue.
With a stitched up soul with frayed threads.
If I only could forgive you, but I cannot 
   even forgive myself.
I am trying to pick myself and move on,
   letting go of everything.
I just want to live my own life.
But I am weighed done by all those burdens 
   that I still carry.
On my own I cannot do anything, 
   cannot go anywhere.
I am still here trapped within myself.
Imprisoned in a prison of my own making,
   six walls, no door, no window.
My hands and knees, bloodied from all 
   the attempts at crawling away.
I am still chained down here.
I can still see you, as you were.
I can still hear my screams reverberating 
   in my mind.
I still remember the bruises and cuts.
I remember them with tears flowing 
   from my eyes.
But you know, I am feeling hope.
It's been said you cannot hold a good man down.
I'm trying to be good man, the best I can,
   such as I am.
It's that hope that  lightens my burdens.
I can see a candle shining in the window for me.
Showing me the way home again.
And I will get there.
Jesus, I am reaching for You.
Please pour your love on me like a pouring rain.
Lift me up and carry me away.
I just want to go home.
I just want somewhere I can call home 
   within my fragmented mind.
Please help me let go of my burdens, all the hurt,
   all the pain, all the anger, all the rage.
Born from all those harms.
Teach me to love myself again.
Teach me how to forgive myself again.
So that I can love.
So that I can forgive.
I want to let go of everything.
Then get up and move on far away, 
   so far away from here.
Leaving everything behind in a cloud of dust.
I am gone, baby, gone.
I am rising.
I am breathing, my heart is breathing.
I am alive, even after everything.
Still, I just cannot forget anything.
Remnants still remain.
I still cry rivers of tears.
Still my hope is rising, so much stronger
   than ever before.
Onto it I will always hold, I am bound to it.
Through it all, the fog that is my so-called life,
   hope still remains.
I believe that I will find my way home.
I know I am not alone any more.
I know I am not the only one.
That strengthens my hope.
The hope that is in my faith.
The comfort and soothing while I heal.
I heal.




My light grows dim.
I shiver from the cold.
My tears freeze to my cheeks.
I close my eyes.
They sting too much.
My heart has turned to ice.
My mind fragmented stone.
My soul torn to shreds.
I try to speak but I just cough and choke.
I hang my head low.
I haven't the strength to hold it up.
Inside I feel barren.
The fire of hope has become but dimly glowing 
I feel so very empty.
With a hollow core.
Despair and loneliness, my only companions.
My outlook, bleak, at best.
This is my nightmare.
Oh God, please wake me.



You are the One that I love.
My first, only, and last love.
Without You I am nothing.
You gave me existence.
You gave me purpose.
You opened my eyes to what my life was for.
You are my reason for living.
I can live because You lived, died and arose.
You have always been there for me.
You came when I needed You the most.
When I wanted to die, You would not let me.
Instead You gave me life.
You breathed life into me.
You keep me alive.
You are Friend.
You are Brother.
You are Lord of all.
You remain ever faithful.
Even when I walk away.
I always walk away.
I go astray, loosing myself in the process.
My wanderlust is overpowering, overwhelming.
But You are stronger.
You never let go of me.
You stay right with me.
You move all Heaven and Earth.
Nothing will ever keep You from me, 
   nor I from You.
Not even me.
You are forever true.
You love with an unfailing love.
If only I could say the same.
It is not much, but it is all I have to give.
Thank You God.
I am just thankful for everything.
With every beat of my heart,
   with every breath I take.
With every word I speak.
With every word I write.
With everything my eyes behold.
With everything good I feel.
With every thought in my brain.
I have hope in the faith I have in You.
I will hold onto them, knowing I will not be
   let down.
At the end of the day, after all's been
   said and done.
Only You remain.
Down on my scarred knees, with my scarred
   hands reaching for You, I call out to You.
With a still, small voice You answer.
I can hear You, I can feel You.
I cannot see You, but I know You are with me.
Forever with me.
I give myself over to You.
I surrender.
I am Yours, now, forever, and a day.
It just does not seem enough to say with mere
   words, but thank You.
Thank You.




I see the dark in this world.
Oh what people are capable of.
Evil is so prevalent.
Chaos seems to be taking over.
Truth and love seem to be invisible.
All seems to be hopeless.
This is a world burning.
But I choose to look beyond.
Looking with my heart.
I see the good there.
I see the beauty there.
I believe the heart of Man is inherently good.
Evil is not relevant.
It is moot.
In life one and one doesn't make two,
   one and one make one.
We are capable of amazing and wondrous things.
When we come together.
Only then can we be strong.
Man is not meant for darkness, evil deeds,
  or selfishness.
I believe there is still hope.
Hope is always rising.
There is no such thing as false hope or no hope.
Hold onto hope, hope will never let you down.
Only with hope can we see the truth and the love
   that still exist in life.
You only need believe.
This world is still burning, but I believe
    we can rise above it all.
God's grace is there.
All you have to do is let it take hold.
And watch as you begin to soar.
I believe this world needs a Saviour.
I believe revival is stirring.
I close my eyes to what is seen and see only 
   the unseen.
For the seen will pass away.
What is unseen is eternal.
What is seen and unseen are choices to make.
I have made my choice.




Who am I that You would love me.
Such as I am.
I have only brought You grief and heartache.
Still, You stay with me at my side.
You never forsake me.
Even when I do You.
When I wander astray You move all Heaven 
   and Earth just to find me.
I do not even understand why You even bother.
I am just one, insignificant man. 
 And a broken one at that.
Why did You leave the ninety-nine just for me?
All that I know, with all surety, 
   is that You loved me first.
When I felt unloved.
When I felt all alone.
When I felt forgotten and forsaken.
You, and You alone loved me.
You are my first love.
Forever, my first love, my only love.
None shall ever replace You.
None shall ever come before You.
Even when I forget.
Wandering away again and again.
You will not leave me prodigal.
Oh, how I need You!
More and more everyday.
I am addicted.
I need my fix everyday.
I just cannot live without You.
Apart from You I am nothing.
You are the oxygen that I breathe.
Your grace is what sustains me.
Through thick and thin.
Through the good and the bad.
You remain at my side.
You will not let me go.
You will not desert me.
I do not deserve love and faithfulness
   such as Yours.
In fact I deserve the opposite.
Most would have left me behind.
Most would have given up on me.
But, not You, oh my Lord, my Saviour.
I love You even more than myself.
I love You so much it hurts.
Knowing full well just how much I have 
   hurt You.
It must feel like a dagger piercing Your heart.
It must feel like the nails into Your wrists and 
Just like the crown of thorns upon Your brow.
Just like the flogging that tore Your flesh.
It must feel like the breaking of Your body.
I killed You, I murdered You, I denied You.
On that broken tree You showed just how
   much You love me.
A man such as I am.
Weak and afraid.
Afraid to live, afraid to even try.
Still, You love me, You love...me!




Who am I to you?
That you would look down on me.
Judge me for what I am not.
You just cannot see me.
Your arrogance has made you ignorant.
I am wise to your ways.
Still all you do and say to me hurts.
It really hurts.
More than I care to show.
You matter not.
Still your words pierce my heart.
My soul is torn.
My mind is hurt.
I guess I do not matter either.
For some reason you have the upper hand.
And you have a following.
All are against me.
Your poison infects and is contagious.
You bring out the worst in me.
I cannot help it, I hate you and yours.
I believe in love.
But it seems to have left me.
I cannot fight this, no, not on my own!
How can I just walk away from it all?
How do I deal with it?
And what does that mean?
But I do know this one thing...
I am glad I am different from you.
Your hate makes you hideous.
And I can now see.
Love is still with me.
It is you who is void of love.
I pity you.
The pain you must feel from your own harms.
Still, that does not give you the right to...
   punish me for someone else's sins.
There is no excuse for your own sins.
Do not bring them down on me.
I did nothing to deserve your wrath.
I am better than all this.
I am so high above it all.
I watch you going down.
Spiralling down into your own deep abyss.
You have condemned your own self.
So you condemn me in turn.
Your harms become mine.
Does it do you any good?
Does it comfort you in some perverse way?
I care not.
You can just stay in all your own filth.
I care not.
How miserable you must be.
I care not.
For you have always dumped all the same...
   on me.
Your words and actions have always been...
   a flogging to me.
You do not see the wounds.
The wounds that will one day be scars.
I will see that I survived and you did not.
I may always be different from every one.
Just as every one is different to me and...
   each other.
All you put me through, as hurt it did,
   it taught me how to see who I really am.
I am not you.
I am me, just me, as I am.
Accept me or leave me.
It matters not.
I will always be me, just me, as I am.



I feel You within.
I see You all around.
I know You live.
I know You reign.
You are so very real to me.
I have felt Your touch.
When I am down and out You lift me up...
   and carry me away.
So very far away.
You always watch over me.
You make sure I am safe.
You make sure I am sound.
I am never alone.
You are always at my side.
Never gone for a single second.
I live because of You.
Apart from You I am nothing.
Your unfailing love keeps me.
I have known Your grace.
You call me son.
I call You Abba Father.
Thank You for everything.
Thank You for loving me first.
I am all for You.
With Your mighty, gentle Spirit within me.
I will always be all for You.




This world is a thorn in my side.
I am expected to fall in and walk the line...
...with every one else.
I am told how to be.
I am told what to think, what is acceptable...
...or unacceptable.
I am told what to be and who I should be.
I am fed all the lines and expected to believe...
...them all.
I choke on them every time.
I am fed up.
I have grown so weary of it all.
I just want to be me.
I just want to be and let be.
To live and let live.
They say that just is not correct.
Who are they anyway?
How can they tell me anything?
They don't know me.
I am me...THEE only me!
I know better than any one.
Even with this broken mind of mine.
The world was what broke me.
I am so sick and tired.
So sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I will stand...I will be counted!
This is my life!
I am the one, THEE only one...
...who's going to live it!
I'm taking my life back.
If you have anything to say to the different...
Now, get out of my way!



Crying yourself asleep every night.
Your pillow case, bloodstained.
Reminding you of the wretched past.
Every day a new cut, a new bruise.
Your body has been broken before.
And today was no different.
Standing before the mirror.
Carefully wiping the blood away.
Looking into swollen eyes.
Wanting out, but not knowing how.
And you still love him.
Even after everything.
He says he's sorry, 
   doing his best to appear sincere.
You see right through the guise.
But you still believe him.
You are so afraid to stay.
You are so afraid to leave.
You see yourself as nothing.
You call yourself stupid and weak.
Feeling imprisoned physically.
Feeling imprisoned emotionally.
Feeling imprisoned spiritually.
Inside you are cold and black, empty and hollow.
There is no peace of mind for you.
As another piece of your mind dies.
Freedom seems so foreign.
You dream of it.
Still, it remains elusive.
Just out of reach.
Freedom from all the hurt and pain...
   ...from all of the harms.
Another night quietly crying yourself asleep.
As you sleep with the enemy.
Afraid of his anger and wrath.
You bury your face in your damp pillow.
Oh freedom from all this...if only.




If you saw me standing alone...
   Would you give me some company?
If I was feeling lonely...
   Would you give me some friendship?
If I was hungry...
   Would you feed me?
If I was thirsty...
   Would you offer me water?
If I was crying...
   Would you hold me?
If I was hurting...
   Would you comfort me?
If I was frustrated...
   Would you let me bend your ear?
If I was feeling weary...
   Would you let me lean on you?
If I was feeling hopeless...
   Would you reassure me?
If I was coming undone...
   Would you understand?




The night falls.
Bringing cold that bites.
Your tears just freeze your eye lids shut.
And your mouth closed.
With no voice you cannot cry out.
But do not lose all hope.
For there is no such thing as no hope.
Nor false hope.
Hope is always rising.
Hope is open arms willing to hold 
   and able to comfort.
Because, behind them is someone who loves you.
And love is always uplifting.
Giving you wings to soar up above it all.
You will shoot straight through the sun.
Bringing the fire that fuels you.
Igniting the inferno that will never burn out.
You will melt.
You will rise again.
Go ahead, breathe the life in.
Spread your arms.
Breathe the life in again.
Your strength returns.
As the Mighty Rushing Wind lifts you.
You are alive!
As you were meant to be.
Don't be afraid to live.
Don't be afraid to face your foes.
You will not be alone.
There is a Spirit in you giving you power.
And when you crash and burn.
There will be saving grace.
There will be great healing.
There will be great comfort as you heal.
Know that with you always is an unfailing love.
Boundless and expansive.
So fear not as you walk through the dark valley.
Someone goes before you.
Someone walks with you.
Someone is just two steps behind you.
Someone watches over you always.
You are never alone in anything.
And when the night falls again...
Know that too rises the dawn.
Hold onto the hope that is carrying you.
That hope will never let you down.
You are a light that will outshine
  the darkest of any dark.
A flame that will burn out the coldest of cold.
So, you are assured.
God's grace and love will forever cover you,
   keeping you from all harm.
Who would dare come against you now?



I cry, I wail.
I drive the nails into my fragile heart.
Then watch it bleed.
I feel desperation from all the hurt and pain.
I feel the despair.
All seems hopeless as I feel helpless.
I cannot grasp any meaning to all this.
Is it subjective or objective?
I am collapsing in on myself.
My mind fragments more.
Strewn all about on the floor.
To discern seems impossible to what is left
   of a feeble mind.
My eyes become pools of dark.
Dark like pitch.
I'm there but not there.
The lights are on but are dim.
I am barely alive, barely breathing.
I've about bled out.
My borrowed time is coming due.
Able comprehension is not in me.
Confused and frustrated.
My fists bring fury to my head.
As I cry and wail.



In life I have searched for something 
   that was elusive.
Description so vague.
A ghost in the fog.
I did not even know what it was that
   I was looking for.
So I wondered.
So I wandered.
Aimlessly, 'round and 'round.
But I just knew it was out there somewhere.
Then I came to the realization that I still
  had not found what it was I was looking for.
I lost the reason right there, right then.
The purpose seemed empty to me.
Then it occurred to me.
I was looking in all the wrong places.
When what I was looking for was inside me 
   all the time.
Still it seemed so far out of my reach.
My shaking feeble hands just could not grasp it.
Again my perception was off.
When in fact it was right in front of me.
Already within my heart waiting 
   to be brought back to life.
Oh my God, please breathe life into me.
Ignite the fire within me.
I will fan the flames.
I will let it burn.
Oh my God, bring me back to life 
   for the first time again.
I will breathe You in.
I will absorb You.
You will consume me.
I will rise.
A new man.
Stronger, wiser.
Who knew?
That I would find what I was looking for.
In the very last place I would ever look.
In the very core of me, my Heart of Hearts.



Standing out in the driving rain.
My tears mix with the water streaming down
   my face.
The rain hides my tears.
And that suits me just fine.
My pain is my pain alone.
This is for me to suffer.
So I keep to the shadows.
Only emerging when the heavy rains come.
My only release.
Crying all my tears in that rain.
Tears, a side effect of hiding all my harms.
Caustic tears.
The rain does not wash away all the hurt 
   and the pain.
Oh, if it could!
So I will hide in the shadows.
Waiting for the black rains to come.
So I may emerge and cry my crimson tears
   in those rains.
And die a little bit more.
The black rains are caustic.
Still, I will continue to cry my tears in the rain.
It's all I have ever known.
It's how I am.
So, I close my hollow eyes.
The tears will leak through like blood from
   a deep cut wound.
It's all I I know to do.
It's all I can do.
It makes no difference.
Nothing matters any more.
Only to cry my tears in the rain.




There you are again.
At the crossroads, again.
Frustrated and confused.
Forgetting you've been here before.
Facing the very same choice.
Just with a different decision to make.
Still you cannot move, as always.
Stuck in the same old rut.
Will you ever learn that you and you alone know
   the solution to your dilemma?
Just close your eyes and you will see.
The way is clearly seen.
The path to choose lays stretched out before.
Straight as an arrow flies.
The longer you wait.
The harder the choice will be to make.
And the harder you will be entrenched.
Have you not grown weary of
   putting yourself through this every time?
Now, just close your eyes, open up your mind.
Let that still, small voice lead you 
   to the right choice.
Follow your heart, it knows where it's going.
All of a sudden you have decided.
And you're on your way once again.
Till the next crossroads...



I look at the sky...I see You.
I look at the clouds...I see You.
I watch the birds squawking and flirting...
   I see You.
I look at the trees and bushes surrounding me...
   I see You.
I breathe in the oxygen...I feel You.
I hear all the sounds that life makes...I hear You.
All that was, is, and will be...is You, my Lord.
I feel my heart beating...I know it's You.
I am alive..You are alive.
Your Spirit in me is what gives me purpose
   and reason.
You are my power.
You are my strength.
My Saviour, my Redeemer.
I am not afraid.
I will not worry.
As long as Your Spirit is with me.
Who could possibly hurt me?
Who could possibly come against me?
You are my stronghold.
You are my strong tower.
My refuge and shelter from all the storms.
Apart from You I am dead.
Apart from You I am nothing.
I love You because You first loved me.
Because You died I can now live.
You are, the Great I Am.
I am held in the very same hands that hold
   the whole wide world.
Just one speck, still You remember and know me.
Even better than I know myself.
I turn all around...You are everywhere...
   You are alive!



The whole world is against me.
Life often beats me down.
But every time I rise.
I cannot be kept down.
I will take every punch, every hit.
Knock me down.
I will get back up.
Push me into the corner.
I will be coming back out.
You cannot keep me.
Although stronger and more powerful.
I will still put up a fight.
This is my life!
This is my mind!
I will hold this, my home ground.
With every fibre of my being.
With who I am and all that I am.
I will be coming to you.
I will be coming at you.
I will not back down.
Retreat is not an option.
I have nothing.
All has been stolen or taken.
I mean to take it all back.
My life! My mind!




So far away.
So far gone.
So far down.
Yet, I'm not lost.
I'm not alone.
I'm not left on my own.
So I rise, and rise again.
I'm not out of this by far.
I'm not ready to give up just yet.
I'm not ready to give in just yet.
I will hold on.
I will hold out.
I have hope in my faith in my God.



I was living a dead life.
I felt that I was dying.
Till You came to me.
Finding You was finding myself.
Who knew?!
In You was everything that I needed and more.
My tears, they all dried.
You took all my mourning and made it all joy.
You took me up and away.
You brought me back home.
Wrapped in Your arms I am home.
I could finally grasp salvation.
In Your grace I will forever stay.
In Your unfailing love I will live.
I buried my old dead life.
I killed myself and buried that old man
   once and for always.
With You is where I belong.
Where I was meant to be.
I love You so much, more than I could possibly 
I am no longer left wanting.
I am no longer left searching for what I would
   never find.
In You is everything and oh so much more.
You have made me me.
You make me the man I need to be.
Apart from You I am who I don't want to be,
  and would hate to be.
You surround me with Your love.
Held safe 'neath the shadow of Your wing.
Alone is not where I am any longer.
Thank You Jesus, Saviour, Brother.




Never good enough.
But I keep trying.
It may still not be good enough.
It's all I can do.
It may not seem like much.
But it's all I have to put out.
I can do no more.
My very best is the best I can do.
If it's not enough.
There's nothing I can do about that.




I always seem to find myself lost.
Always wandering.
I wonder why.
I've been down this path before.
I think I am the one who wore it in.
I am always getting in my own way.
Pushing myself aside.
Angering myself.
I'm always beating myself up.
My own worst enemy.
Why can't I be my own best friend?
I just don't get along with me.
I know me just too well.
I lie, I always believe my own lies.
When it comes down to living 
   I always betray myself.
Always at odds.
An endless argument.
An ongoing battle, living in a stalemate.
I just cannot live with myself any more.
But wherever I go there I am as well.




Looking at you.
I was seeing nothing.
Empty, dark pools of death.
You were poison.
I don't know why I kept breathing you.
You choked me.
You tore me apart.
Ripped my heart right out of me.
Leaving a gaping hole inside.
You once took my breathe away.
Now I just suffocate.
Still breathing you.
I convulse, I quake.
You're still poison.
I am haunted by the memory of you.
You still have your talons dug into my soul.
There's still salt in my open wounds.
Your final words still sting something fierce.
Thinking of you I taste the bitterness.
You used to be so sweet.
I think you were lying to me.
And I believed you!
Brainwashed, you sucked me in.
I must have been an easy target.
Label me "fool".
To fall for someone like you.
'Cause I knew right from the start.
You were always so transparent.
But I chose to follow you down anyway.
Now a piece of me has died.
A piece that cannot ever be replaced.
Leaving me unable to love.
Even unable to love myself.
Because I cannot forgive myself.
I cannot forgive you.
Our love was just a lie.
I put the knife I have in my back there.
You were an imaginary friend.
You were an imaginary lover.
Now you are getting away with murder.
My blood's on your hands.
I let you go.
You never returned. 
I bet you never even looked back.
Throwing my broken, useless heart away.
I should have let you go long before anything.
But I just could not help myself.
I was not strong enough to hold myself back.
Oh those eyes!
They still melt me.
But you're not real.
You are dead to me.
You are just a ghost.
Still in my mind.
Still driving me mad.
Still dragging me down.
And I am letting you!
Back to hell with you!
I just want to be free from you.
You still keep me twisting the knife in my back.
Is there any hope for me?
Is there any help for me?
Will I ever be free?
Your poison is still coursing all through me.
I saw nothing in your eyes.
I could only see a hollow soul.
But oh! Those eyes!



I live in hard times.
I live in a cold, cold world.
People only live for themselves.
They do what they want.
No matter who gets hurt along the way.
Just another step to so-called success.
Empty, empty are they.
All they aspire to is hollow.
This is where I exist.
I'm told to co-exist.
But, how can I with all this?
I don't want any part of their so-called
   better life.
The grass on the other side I see is dead.
I do my best to live my own life.
I just get pulled and pushed down.
And walked upon.
In this life I am dead.
I can't say I disagree.
With all that I try to carry.
The burdens that weigh me down.
Keeping my head 'neath the crashing waves.
I just need to come up for air 
   for a second or two, or more.
I just want to live.
But life is killing me.
This world leaves me cold and shivering.
Left out in the open naked.
It's no wonder I feel so hopeless, so helpless.
Where can I go when there's nowhere to go?
What can I do when there's nothing I can do?
Who can I turn to when there's no one?
I'm alone and crying.
Drowning in my own caustic tears.
I don't want to live here.
'Cause here is dead and dying.
I fear I will follow.
And that is just not for me.
I want to live...no matter how hard times get.
I want to live...no matter how cold 
   this world gets.
I won't live with the negative ones.
I won't live with the selfish ones.
I won't live with the hopeless or helpless.
I want more.
I deserve more.
I will rise above what pulls at me.
As I do I will watch the world spiral out of 
I will not follow it down.
They're heading into an open grave.
I want to live.
I want to live my own life.
Acceptance or permission is not required.
I will not negotiate, this is my life!
I will live!
No matter where life leads.
I walk my own path.
Alone if need be.
Where the world leads I will not go after.
I've already done my time in hell.
I will not do it all over again.
I will live forever and a day.
No one and nothing is going to stop me.
If you are not going to help then 
   just get out of my way.
I will continue to live in these hard times.
I will continue to live in this cold, cold world.
But as life comes to end I will begin again.
As this world passes away I will keep on still.
Then rest will be mine at long last.
I just want to hear: "Well done 
   good and faithful servant, enter."




Living draws a lot of energy from me.
I often feel drained.
Still I keep on the best I can.
Hanging on even when I don't have the strength.
I am still alive.
I will still put up a fight no matter what.
This is my life! And I mean to keep it.
Even to the very end.




I swallow the pills hoping beyond hope
   that they will stop the pain.
They never do.
The noise in my head just gets louder.
Drowning out my inner voice.
Still I take them.
I wonder if I am me any more.
My mind's just not the same any more.
But that's not saying it's something I haven't
   experienced before.
Is peace of mind too much to ask for?
Too much to expect.
Because my fragmented mind keeps caving in.
Burying me.
As my heartstrings all snap.
And I fall downward helplessly.
Is there anything to keep this from happening?
Because I'm sure not able to.
I want to give in.
I am so very weary.
Of me, of the poison I have to swallow everyday.
Maybe it's me, but I feel so helpless, 
   I just do not know.
My mind's so fogged in.
I can't tell up from down.
Still the pills go down my throat.
Maybe today they will do some good.
Maybe today I will do some good.
Both unreliable.



Is it enough?
To be just me.
Am I enough?
Such as I am.
I want so much.
I expect nothing.
I've been let down.
I do my best.
Even though I've failed.
I pick myself up.
I still believe in...
I still believe in me.
You may not like me.
But it's all I am.
I don't want understanding.
I don't seek acceptance.
I just want to be left to be...
Left to be me.
It will just have to be enough.
It's all I am.
It's all I have...
It's all I have to give.
It may not be much.
But to me it is enough.



We are the broken.
We are forced to hide.
We are called mutants.
So underground we go.
We live in the catacombs.
We are afraid.
We must live in silence.
Making us sick.
We must be contagious.
Why must we live this way?
There's nothing wrong with us.
You are the one with the disease.
You are the one who has afflicted us.
We just want peace of mind.
Not a piece of mind from you.
We are left to waste away.
Why?! Why?! WHY?!!!



Your words are razor sharp.
They cut me off at the neck.
I lose myself.
You are a searing flame.
Burning a hole right through the heart of me.
I am razed.
I was defenceless.
I was caught off guard.
And you got to me.
You broke me.
You threw my broken body away 
   like I was refuse.
Your tongue is your only power.
You use it to rape and destroy.
You devour, you swallow whole.
Licking your lips you just smile.
I know you're aware.
You come from darkness and cold,
I see through you.
I know your kind.
Unfeeling, soulless.
You are getting away with murder.
You leave a trail of victims in your wake.
One day all that you do and say
   will come back down on you.
What will you do then?
Don't look for help from me.
You hurt me.
You killed me.
Now who's burning?
How does it feel?
I will stand by and watch as you are razed.
I will not feel sorry for you at all.
Now I turn to walk away.
Leaving you in your own ashes.