ALONE WITH ME

I am me.

I am within me.

Yet, I do not know where I am.

I can speak.

I yell, I scream.

Yet, I cannot hear myself.

I feel what I feel.

Anger, hate and suffering.

Yet, I have become numb.

I look through my eyes.

I see all that occurs around and in me.

Yet, I cannot save myself.

I have hope.

I have faith.

Yet, my will fails me.

I continue every day.

I remain the same.

The realization I know all too well remains.

I am alive, but I do not live.

This is not where I belong.

Yet, here I am.

This is not who I am.

But it is, who I am.

Right here, right now.

I am struggling.

I am failing, miserably.

Why?

I do not know why.

This is my lot.

This is my measure.

Here I am, all alone with just me.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE WORDS OF A SHIVERING SOUL

I feel so cold.

I am frozen within.

Long have the shadows grown.

Darkness has fallen upon me.

I am lost deep inside myself.

I am afraid.

Silence has gripped me tight.

I am suffocating.

My tears are icicles in the corners of my eyes.

They burn, they burn, they burn.

I am alive, I am dead.

I am forsaken.

My pain is tormenting me.

Every waking moment I am tortured.

I am bleeding internally.

There is little to no hope for me.

What hope there is is helpless.

I am nothing and nowhere.

What I was I am again.

And I don't care.

I am too far gone.

I am falling, continually falling.

There is no rock bottom that I can see.

Tell me, where do I go from here?

What am I supposed to do?

God, where are You?
We seem to have been separated.
This isn't what I want, or what I asked for.

I am self deprecating.
I loathe all that I can see in me.
Oh God, take this broken body and grind my bones into dust,
then cast it all into the wind.
And so, here I am.
Alone, all alone.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

SUICIDE NOTE

There is nothing for me.

Not then, not now, not to come.

All hope has drained away.

I am just so very tired.

Living has become a struggle.

A battle just to believe.

What is happiness, but a lie?

I am down trodden.

Fear has consumed all that I am.

It is the rising tide.

The thing that is pulling me down and away.

The silence is deafening.

Left alone to drown within myself.

What is compassion?

I just do not care.

Let go, I will walk away.

Love?!

Another lie that I will not believe in any more.

I am broken.

I am damaged beyond repair.

I cannot be fixed.

I don't really want to be.

It is of no consequence any way.

I will let the darkness take me now.

I will give in.

I will walk into the bitter cold.

The night that awaits me.

I will take what is mine no more.

Death is its own reward.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

AT MY END I HOPE FOR A BEGINNING

I am angry and enraged.

I'm full of hate.

Just look at what I have become.

You did this to me.

Ripped out my heart and tore my soul to shreds.

There is nothing left of me.

And now you're laughing at me.

The fire is burning hot within me.

I will see you burn.

I don't know who I am,

or even what I am.

I feel like a monster.

Hideous and wretched.

I am feared,

I am fear.

I do not understand.

Just what is going on?

What have you done to me?

You are the devil in me.

You are the Hell that burns me with a cold flame.

As I wipe away another tear.

You've made me a victim,

something I swore I would never be.

It happened anyway.

And I loathe myself for it.

Just as you wanted.

You murdered the man I once was.

Now you are getting away with it all.

There is nothing I can do.

You have put the blood on my own hands.

In my mind a fissure forms.

Swallowing me alive.

There's no help for me.

No one will come to rescue me.

No one even cares.

Take what you have and leave me be.

It's a crime that you did this to me.

It's a crime that I let you.

I wish I could forget it all.

Close my eyes and convince myself none of this ever happened.

But the truth finds me every time.

My emotions gave me away again.

Just as Judas kissed.

But I'll be the one hanging from the end of a rope.

Where has my hope gone?

How could this happen to me?

I thought I was stronger than this.

Idiot!

What a fool I am.

I can still hear your caustic laughter.

I can still taste the poison on my lips.

I can feel it course through my veins.

I am dying.

I will soon succumb to the darkness.

Why?!

How could I have not seen the rising of the tide?

Was I blind sided?

Was I enticed?

Was I seduced?

Oh, I know not.

With the very last ounce of strength left I cry out.

My voice but a scratch as sandpaper.

Not even as much as a whisper.

"God please save me."

I'm at the end of my own rope.

I have nothing to give any more.

I am nothing now.

I'm looking to You.

I lie here completely helpless as a newborn.

Will You take away all of this?

Create me again for the first time.

Put a heart back in me.

And sew up my soul.

Can You wash away the bloodstains?

Can You wash away all the dirt and grime that I am covered with?

Can You heal my wounds?

Please, oh, please.

Breathe life back into this poor wretch of a man.

Make me sound.

I ask of You God,

because I believe You can make me whole again.

What's left of my faith I put on You,

I'm all in now.

I know I am worthless,

but it's all I have.

May it be enough.

God please, I put my mind, heart, soul and body into Your hands.

If Your hands can hold the whole world,

I am hoping You can hold me as well.

Can You take all that I've been,

all that I am?

Wipe my eyes dry.

End the hurt and pain.

I can take no more.

I am hemorrhaging,

I am bleeding out.

This is the end for me.

God will You give me a new beginning?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

RIGHT NOW

Right now I feel so weary.

I just want to close my eyes to life.

Letting it go its own way.

Right now I just don't care.

I'm all worn and weathered.

My heart and soul are cracked and bleeding.

My will has worn thin.

I feel so helpless.

Right now I feel myself fading away into nothingness.

This feels like my end.

As I am falling.

Just turn away and go your own way.

I don't need you here.

Everyone lies.

I don't want you here, right now.

Just let me go.

I'm so far down.

I can't even see the light of day any more.

But I welcome this darkness.

I welcome this cold.

Right now, it's how I feel.

And I don't care.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHERE DID I GO?

So run down am I.

So tied up and tied down.

I am born for discouragement.

Whatever happened?

Where did I go?

My life's a blur.

Don't know where it began or where it ended.

Whatever happened?

Where did I go?

I once smiled but now I only know sorrow.

Whatever happened?

Where did I go?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

CRACKED BELIEF

I'm having trouble believing right now.
I just don't know any more.
My heart and soul have frozen over.
I don't see what this life has for me.
And I don't see what I have for this life.
I've  been hurting for so long.
I mouth has filled with sand.
I cannot speak.
I cannot cry out.
 Does it really matter anyway?
I have been drowning inside myself.
I can no longer keep myself above all that pulls me down.
All this angers me.
And I'm so angry at myself for allowing my life to become as it is.
I just don't know why all this has fallen upon me.
God where are You?
I don't even know where I am.
I look down and think to myself, six feet down doesn't seem so far.
Does my life have to be this way?
Why is my life this way?
What's the reason?
Does all this serve any hidden purpose?
God can You answer all my questions?
Before I go.
You see, this life is no life at all.
This life is dead.
I am walking dead.
Actually it's far worse,
I'm stuck in the between.
I am not alive, nor am I dead.
Tell me,
what's worse?
God why do You remain silent?
Am I that small to You?
Why should I care if You don't?
TELL ME!!!
But, then again, I haven't the strength to maintain this anger and hatred.
Too much's been taken from me as it is.
Leaving me more deserted and desolate than any desert.
Why am I here?
What is going on?
I know that I am lost.
I know I am guilty of a multitude of sins.
Am I condemned?
All this suffering and sorrow is killing me.
And I am already dead.
With my head in my hands I scream till my chords snap.
But the only sound I made was less than a whisper.
I've had enough.
I am done with it all.
Tell me, does believing have any reward at all?
'Cause I just don't know any more.
And all my cries go out silently.
I'm almost at my end.
And You don't seem to even know it.
I'm tired of taking all of the blame.
I'm tired of carrying all of this on my shoulders.
It has broken my back.
It's broken me.
I am broken.
I want to believe.
I want to hope.
I want to have faith.
But I am so far gone.
I don't think I can do it any more.
I am so far down.
I just don't see any way out of all this.
My Hell.
God please help me to believe.
Bring me back from the grave.
Breathe life into me.
God please heal me.
Please put this broken man back together.
Or is this my lot and measure in life.
The irony is killing me.
I just cannot figure any of this out.
I must be doing something wrong.
I've lost something of myself somewhere along the way.
Where oh where are the answers that I seek?
Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places.
Maybe it's just me.
It's just that I'm so very weary.
I just cannot go on as I have been trying.
My hands and knees have been rubbed raw.
I leave a bloody trail behind me.
It's no wonder my mind has fragmented and fractured.
This is just too much for me.
I just don't know.
How can I believe when I am buried 'neath all of this.
The burdens I've been trying to carry all along.
And failed miserably.
Being bogged down in my despair,
I just don't know,
I'm beginning not to care.
Tell me, how am I supposed to believe.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT SO LEAVE ME BE

These feelings that I feel take so much from me.

There is very little of me left.

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

My emotions are beating me up again.

I am black and blue all over on the inside.

I just want to rip the heart right of me.

Then I'd feel no more.

And my emotions would have no other recourse.

Finally my mind could have some rest.

Maybe even some peace of mind,

instead of piece of mind.

I wish I could forget it all.

My burnt memories leave a bad taste behind.

Just cut me open and let all this bleed out.

Even if it means I'd be empty and hollow.

That would suit me just fine.

Then there'd be nothing left for anything to feed on.

And there'd be no more of me left.

I no longer care anyway.

Oh just to take it all away.

Just leave me be,

leave me alone.

I don't want you here any more.

You made me hate you,

which in turn made me hate myself.

This is what's happening to me.

This is my suffering.

The hell that I am drowning in.

As sorrow pulls me down ever deeper.

I have no more use.

Just let me die.

And let me live.

Just empty me of everything.

Nothing left to feel.

Let atrophy take my emotions.

And then just leave me be.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HOPE AFTER ALL

I have grown so weary.

The pain from all the harms has saturated me.

The wounds are too many.

There are scars upon scars.

My heart has crumbled to dust.

The soulache I feel is indescribable.

My knuckles are stained red from the blood I've shed when I would beat myself up.

I was always my own enemy.

And oh how I hated me.

I saw myself as weak.

The self-loathing went all the way down to my very core.

Like a tumour that had devoured everything that was me.

With no hope for a cure.

My thoughts slowly killed me.

I know I betrayed myself over and over.

I was filled with anger over this.

Which begat rage, which begat fear, which begat suffering.

There was just nothing in me for me.

I never could figure out what my so-called life was for.

Never did I find the reason for me.

Now it feels as though it's just too damn late.

Maybe it is.

Maybe all this is a dream become a nightmare.

But it all feels too real.

Maybe my feelings are lying to me again.

It wouldn't be the first time.

I never could get very far from myself.

My own inner voice was what destroyed me.

I look all around me and I see the desolation.

Everything...EVERYTHING!!!

Was in ruins.

I lived under blood red skies.

I walked on a scorched earth.

The acrid smell of my burning world filled my paper lungs.

I choked as I slowly suffocated.

My life and my world became a quarantine.

My poison slowly spread throughout all of me.

Slowly I sank deep into myself.

Where I lived became a prison then a tomb.

My fate became sealed.

I was damned, I was condemned.

I was forsaken, as I felt.

No one could tell me otherwise.

No one could get close enough.

And I didn't care, I didn't give a damn any more.

No one else cared.

And it didn't matter.

Nothing mattered.

For nothing was what I felt and still do to this very day.

My memories began to fade like old photographs.

The corners curled up.

And everything became just too hard to make out.

So I gave up.

I never could find myself anyway.

Lost somewhere along the way.

Not that I did ever go anywhere.

I was perfectly content.

Prodigal?

So what!

Apathy was just fine with me.

No one cared, why should I?

Then I awoke.

I opened my eyes.

My sight was fogged over.

Then everything cleared.

I was horrified.

I was still living my so-called life.

My feelings were still lying to me.

My emotions couldn't be trusted either.

Of which was I better off with?

Lost in my own imagination?

Or lost in this life of death?

I have no answer.

All I know, is that I'm here,

right here,

right now, where I always am.

Surrounded by my six walls.

Where the darkness was absolute.

Whether damned in a nightmare,

or damned in a dead life still didn't matter.

Unforgiven and forsaken.

God has turned His back on me.

Just like I continually turned my back on Him.

But I cannot help but to feel like I am being lied to still.

God, are You still there?

Can You hear me?

If You are there somewhere, can You save me from myself?

I think I've almost done myself in.

Everything good and alive in me has almost been bled of it all.

I've only enough strength to hold onto what tatters remain of my hope.

And that hope still seems to not have let me down.

Maybe there's still hope for me after all.

I just don't know,

I'm still not so sure.

I don't know where to go from here,

when here is still nowhere.

My living Hell.

I can still see a micro sized shimmer of light.

Is it artificial light,

or is it the glimmer of light left that's guiding me home?

Something I've never really known.

But I am still trying to believe,

something so hard for me.

It's so hard to believe with all this hanging over my head like black storm clouds.

But the little hope I have keeps me going.

Even though I feel I'm not going anywhere.

"Hey dummy! Feelings lie!" I try to tell myself.

Whether it's anywhere or nowhere it still doesn't really matter.

I just want to find a place to belong in a world where I don't belong.

I just want to find somewhere that I can call home.

Where I can finally rest.

My candle has almost melted all the way down to a soon to be a bloody hardened pool of what was once who I was.

I never did know or understand that part of me.

But, then, I remember.

I am still here,

that's somewhere.

That's something,

something to hold onto.

Something that I can call hope.

Looks like nowhere is somewhere.

It may not be much.

But it's something,

and that's everything.

I guess I matter after all.

There's reason and why for my life.

That's all I need to hold on, to hold out.

I can finally believe in myself, I can forgive and love myself again, for the first time.

I have hope,

hope's all that I need.

And that's enough.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

MY EMPTY HOUSE

I'm all alone in an empty house.

I feel so hollow.

The tears taste so bitter.

That's how I am feeling.

All alone within myself.

I think of you,

even though I don't want to.

It hurts so very much.

I am having trouble holding on.

It's so hard when there's no one to hold me up.

Someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.

All this pain I keep hidden deep down in my soul.

But it's killing me.

I want to be numb.

I don't want to feel anything.

The tears, oh how they burn.

I'm feeling that I just cannot go on.

I don't want to go on.

My heart has blackened.

My heart has hardened.

I wish that you were here with me still.

I have so much that I need to say to you,

face to face.

So much I want to take back, but I know that I cannot.

You are gone, and I'm still here.

I have to go on living.

No matter how much it hurts.

But I do not want to.

I want to look and see you with me.

I know that you have gone away.

You have gone home at last.

I know that your pain and suffering are at an end.

But I cannot help but to mourn.

Even though I know that I will see you again someday.

But it still hurts so very much.

No one sees me cry,

no one knows of my pain.

In life I never said that I love you to you.

I just want that chance to again for the first time.

As I sit here, in my heart I know that I love you,

and that you know that I love you too.

Still I hold onto all the hurt and pain.

I'm afraid to let them all go.

What if you go too?

I will never forget you.

Even though there was much anger and hatred shared between us.

I still bear the scars on my skin.

I still can see all that all too well.

I still ask why.

But it doesn't matter any more.

It's all moot.

I closed my eyes and you were gone.

Leaving your empty shell behind.

I can still see it as though you were just sleeping just as I did that night.

I long for the days that you were alive.

It's not the same with just the memories in my heart and my mind.

So many of them are faded like old photographs.

Others are all scorched, 

others are all burnt.

So I put them all in a box and seal it forever.

I don't want to see them again.

It just hurts so very much,

too much.

I will not return here again.

Even though I will always remain in this empty house.

Hollow as it is,

hollow as I am.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE LIVING HELL I AM LIVING (IN MY MIND)

I am stained red.

My heart and soul have blackened.

I am torn and left in tatters blowing in the wind.

I am shaking with fear.

Despair is choking me.

I drop to my knees,

then facedown into the crimson muck.

I am ashamed.

I suffer the blame.

It's a crime that I am.

I live in the prison I made myself.

There's nothing more for me to say.

I have given up all hope.

My faith is dead.

All of my lies have brought me here.

And I have killed myself.

I drew the line and then crossed it.

What else was I to do?

I saw no end.

There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Just absolute dark.

I don't believe in any rock bottom,

or at least I shot right through mine.

So there's no looking up for me.

I am down,

I will always be down.

All my options have been wasted.

So here I am,

where I always am.

Out in the open, exposed.

The driving rain falls down on me like hundreds of arrows.

The frigid wind hits me like a barrage of bullets and warheads from a thousand guns.

I am so cold and afraid.

I am all huddled up, shivering.

Wondering where am I going from here,

and just where is here?

It feels like nowhere.

I've been walking in circles for the whole of my life.

I am lost, 

I am fallen.

I cannot run, I cannot get away from myself.

Wherever that I go there I am as well.

My own worst enemy.

I give myself up every time.

I betray myself with a kiss.

God has turned His back on me.

Forgotten and forsaken.

I guess He doesn't want me any more.

My name has been taken away,

I am no one.

I have no identity,

I have no point of origin with which I can refer to.

I cannot start over again.

I will not even try.

It seems so useless to me.

Just when I was beginning I came to an abrupt end.

I hit my end going faster than the speed of light.

I lie here crying.

Knowing that there is nothing left for me.

I am in the middle of a vicious circle,

a vicious cycle with no end in sight.

I spin faster,

faster still,

and faster still.

My mind is unable to comprehend,

eventually it just stops.

It doesn't work any more.

Not that it did in the first place.

It is fallen apart just like I am.

Anger and hate have taken over.

Feeding the rage inside me.

All this takes so much out of me.

Leaving nothing of me.

I am me no more.

I want to die,

but I died a long time ago.

There is no more reason.

There is no more purpose.

My mind is chaotic and psychotic.

Call me a psychopath.

I have quarantined myself.

I am toxic.

I am bleeding internally.

I have began shutting down.

This grey world has turned black.

I am fading away,

I am fading out.

I murdered love.

I murdered who I really am.

Left lying where I was,

where I am.

Let me rot, let me decay.

I am not me any more.

No one will remember me.

Just a tiny figment of a imagination.

To hell with this living hell that I am living.

I am burning with a cold fire.

I am ash and cold embers.

Left behind.

I burned out,

I burned away.

This is all, this is nothing.

And I just do not understand anything.

What is going on?

My body is wrapped in a vine of thorns.

The thorns bite into me and keep going deeper and deeper.

There is just no more.

I am no more.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I HAVE BECOME WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN

The world makes a lot of noise,

it's deafening.

It always makes me feel so violated.

And I always feel like I am covered in a thick covering of filth that I just cannot wash or even scrub off.

No matter how hard that I try.

Living in this world makes me feel so cold and dark and all alone.

I just don't know where to go.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't even know what to say, or if I even should.

What's to say anyway?

No matter what, I know it will all be the same to me.

Pain, hurt, suffering and anger are inevitable.

And that's a given.

I do not see any use in any of this.

Just what is in it for me?

What's wrong with me?

Is it all my fault?

I know that I don't belong here,

even though I still look for a place to belong.

My heartstrings are unravelling.

My seams are all coming apart.

And my mind is growing more frayed with the passing of each moment.

Maybe it's just me.

I just don't know!

If I'm the one to make my own choices, 

then,

how the hell am I supposed to when I have no choice?

All this puts immense pressure on the hinges of my sanity and reality.

All that I have buried deep down inside me is about to come out like a nuclear detonation.

Man, this world must really hate me!

If she doesn't care about me, 

then why does she always beat up on me?

What did I do to bring all of this down on me?

What did I do to deserve all of this?

I certainly do not want any of this.

Its weight is just too much for me to bear.

I've already had enough.

I just want it all to end.

When will it end?

Will it end?

This world doesn't want me.

Heaven doesn't want me.

Hell doesn't want me.

I don't even want me.

I am shivering from the cold so hard that I am starting to crack and crumble into dust.

And the dust is filling my lungs.

I cough and choke.

Someone please stop this damned world,

I want to get off.

I try to walk my paths, but all my paths lead me to nowhere.

Just where is nowhere?

But here I am in the middle of nowhere.

Living on the outskirts of life,

on the wrong side of the tracks.

No one wants to associate with me.

I don't blame them,

I don't even want to associate with me.

I'm afraid to close my eyes at night because I will just have to open them again in the morning.

With blood red skies above me.

With scorched and burnt memories in a twisted mind, heart and soul.

I hate this world I am condemned to live in.

I regret everything,

and I regret having regrets.

I only have brought shame and dishonour upon myself.

Knowing full well that I have brought the same upon my God.

Maybe He doesn't want me to be His child any more.

Maybe I have fallen from His grace.

God are You ignoring me?

Have You forsaken me?

'Cause I feel I've been cursed.

I live with ridicule and fear in this so-called life of "mine".

My hope has become hopeless.

My faith has turned to air and blown away.

And I'm down on bloodied hands and knees.

I haven't the strength to continue.

And everything is on me.

It's all me, me alone.

I am at fault.

I am guilty.

I have been sentenced to life,

life living this death.

I cry aloud and I scream till I burst at the seams.

Just look at the mess I am,

the mess that I have made.

I cannot help but to feel sorrow and despair.

So much so that my tears flow like a raging white water river.

My pillow is blemished with all the tear stains.

And that's how I see myself,

a stain.

Unwanted and undesirable.

How can I hate this world when I hate myself even more?

Did the world do all this to me?

Did life do this to me?

Did I do it to myself?

Just forget it!

How can I, when I am reminded when I peek into my broken mirror?

I'm such a disappointment,

to God, to myself, to each and every one I have met along the way.

Everyone came into and then out of my life.

Or did I run away, leaving them behind?

None of this really matters any more.

I am such a failure of my own.

Maybe I'm a failure of God as well.

But that doesn't really make any sense at all.

So, here I am.

I am always here.

Wondering where and if I am going from here.

I just don't know!

God, where are You?

Can't You hear my cries and pleas?

I know I am just a speck,

but have You forgotten about me?
I don't want to blame You,
but I am feeling helpless here.
If You know everything I need and if You will provide;
why then am I burdened with all of this?
With no end in sight.
With no hope of receiving assurance.
All of which are foreign to me.
God, is there a chance that You can come and save me,
save me from myself?
I am my own worst enemy.
And I am afraid of myself the most,
for I know what I am capable of.
I know if I continue this way I will catch up to myself,
then I am sure to do myself in.
Does that matter to You?
I am not so sure it does to me.
So I separate, I isolate.
I am a biohazard.

A dangerous contagion.
I am toxic, I am poisonous, I am caustic.
I will pull anyone who wanders too close down with me.
Would you listen to me,
I have become the world.
And the world has become me.
It's no wonder that I am what I am.
I have done all this to myself.
The whys and therefores are moot.
I don't want any more of it any more.
If only I could throw it away.
Lay it down somewhere and leave it far behind.
Put it all to flame and watch it burn.
Would I be free then?
God, please, take me away from myself.
Please take all of this away from me.
It's just too much to hold much less to carry.
It's making my soul sick.
My soul is blackened.
God please suck the poison from my veins.
Can You heal all of my open wounds?
Can you put me back together again?
Could You possibly clean up this big mess that I am?
I have become what I have always been.
I no longer want to be.
God please!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE HEALING BEGINS

There's a tear in my soul.

I can hear the whistle as it breathes out.

There's a hole in my heart.

Where you used to be.

Here I am now, bleeding out, remembering you.

 It's like cutting myself wide open.

I do it to myself every time.

Each time the blade goes deeper and deeper.

Memories of you are dark,

darker than a starless night sky.

I would give anything just to have some more time.

Time to finish what was beginning.

The healing was just beginning.

Then it just ended.

But not for me.

I remember that night well.

My last words to you were so malicious.

I never knew that that night would be the last night that I would miss the chance to make everything right.

Not that I did not have the time prior.

We had a whole lifetime together.

Forty years passed by so fast.

We both missed the chance to bridge the chasm between us.

You did try though.

But it was just not good enough for a selfish man such as I was.

I swallowed your poison years long gone.

So I took every opportunity to spit it all back in your face.

You dropped all your anger and hate all on me,

so I did the same to you.

I never could love or forgive myself, 

much less anyone else.

But all this doesn't matter any more.

The time in the glass jar ran out a long time ago,

and no one ever turned it back over.

I never could say that I love you, 

but I sure could say that I hate you easily.

And those words were more than just words.

I caused you much hurt and pain.

I remember hearing you crying alone in your room,

as I used to in my room all those years ago.

Why does history have to repeat itself all the time?

But history is only shaped by all our choices and decisions.

We did it to ourselves, you and I.

I would have liked to let you in to where we could begin again for the first time.

And learn to love and forgive so the healing could begin.

But when you fell asleep that night and never woke up, brought all that to an abrupt halt.

You never did say good-bye.

The angels quietly came and took your soul back home.

Leaving me here with all of my regrets.

Which I regret having.

It never did hit me that you were gone.

The shock of that night remains to this very day.

 The hurt and the pain certainly are still here.

I feel it all to my very core.

Right here, right now, I just want to take all that I said and did back.

I just want one more chance to look into your eyes,

to say that I am sorry for everything.

But those bridges were turned to charcoal and ash quite some time ago.

I would give anything to see you one more time just to hold you in my arms and to tell you I now understand you.

"God, could You tell my father that I am sorry and that I forgive him."

"And God, could You tell him that I love him?"

"One more thing God, could you teach me to love and forgive myself?"

Then the healing could begin.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHAT WAS WAS NOT (NIGHTMARE)

My soul is dry as a drought.

My heart cannot breathe.

I have swallowed too many of my tears.

My life has become toxic.

My world is scorched.

Blocking out the sun.

Ash falls on me.

I am choking.

I am stagnant as lonely pool of dirty water.

There is only dust in my veins.

I am fallen.

My cries are but whimpers.

My eyes have been sewn shut.

I have been fenced in.

Condemned to a prison of my own construct.

Six walls, no windows, no door.

The dark is absolute.

I am so cold.

This is my iceage.

Extinction has come for me.

I will not be remembered.

Welcome to the nightmare that is my life.

All has been done at my own hands.

Which are stained red.

I am my own worst enemy.

I hate, I loathe.

I am enraged.

Fear grips my mind.

It's all over now.

I never had a chance in hell.

Now there is hell to pay.

I am just so weary.

Hear my lament.

This is an ode for the silent ones.

Silence is screaming,

deafening!

We are the forgotten,

the left out,

the left behind, and the forsaken.

I only know of despair and hopelessness.

Affliction has racked my mind.

This my torture.

It worsens the longer that I continue to live.

May death claim me soon.

My will is gone.

I have nothing,

I am nothing.

The caustic has poured all over me.

Soon I will cease to exist.

I question if I ever did live.

Was it all a lie?

I am not afraid of Hell, I have already gone through it.

I have already lived it.

This all was just a story,

or was it?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

IT'S ALL ON ME

I have come to realize,

that God is not the one who is absent from my life.

That would be myself.

I was the one who up and just walked away.

Never giving it a second thought.

Except to blame God for all that I feel,

and all that I go through.

I have come to realize,

that it's my own feelings lying to me.

My emotions always put me in a fog.

It's my choices that have lead me to where I am.

My choices were motivated by my feelings.

My choices should be motivated by my faith.

I should rely on the hope that is in my faith in my God.

But, at the end of the day, and after all has been said and done,

It all comes down to this:

Shame on God?!!!

NO!!!

Shame on man!!!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

A LONELY CROSS TO BEAR

A cross, yours to bear.
Its weight bears you down.
Your strength wanes.
You insist it's your cross.
Yours to bear alone.
And so you fall.
Beneath the weight of your arrogance.
There are those willing.
There are those offering.
Even Christ needed help to carry His cross.
Don't let your ignorance be the weight that finally buries you.
Even the strong grow weak.
Pride is something that will pull you down.
Do you not see?
That you need me.
Just like I need you.
One is never enough.
We all have our crosses to bear.
And we all need help to do so.
There is no shame here.
There is strength in the sharing of weakness.
We're all broken and have fallen.
"Here's my hand...Here's my hand...Here's my hand....
Lift together now, on three."

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HOPE, THIS I BELIEVE

We do indeed live in hard times these days.

And at times life can feel dark and cold.

The tide always seems to roll back in all the much higher.

It's not easy to tread water any more,

not that it ever was.

We fight for survival,

which is quite a shame.

Life used to be so grand.

Where everyone wore a smile,

always quick to pass it on.

But hearts have hardened somewhere along the way.

One has to struggle just to keep it all together.

I miss seeing the joy of a young child,

who was free to run and roam wherever he may.

That innocence was stolen a long time ago.

And it just makes me cry, 

because I remember those days from my youth.

Without a care in the world except where and what would I explore next.

Now that I've grown and I am a man,

I long for those days left so far behind.

Just to laugh and feel free again.

But the world is now in the way.

I know somewhere deep inside my heart there still beats the heart of that child I used to be.

The one with boundless wonder.

With faith without questions.

Questions always come with some doubt,

doubt that boggs us all down.

It just breaks an already broken heart.

Where, oh where did we go wrong?

Where did we lose away,

going so far astray?

It feels as though I have lost my soul.

This hardened heart of mine is so cold,

cracked and crumbling.

But I still have some hope that I cling to with all of who I am.

For without this hope there is just nothing.

What a bleak and cynical existence that would be.

I still believe my hope will never let me down.

It never has thus far.

It always shines, rising up through the rain and the tears.

Where I can see the sun again,

basking in its warmth.

It does my heart and soul good.

If hope is all that I have, then hope is all I need.

God please do not ever let go of me.

For You are the only hope I have.

It is You that I believe in, wholly and solely.

You bring ease to this troubled mind of mine.

You bring comfort to the chaos life has become.

We do indeed live in hard in times these days.

But with even the smallest measure of hope I believe what we have lost can be again.

Even the dimmest of lights can shine the brightest.

For in hope there is strength and courage.

Enough to make it past the last milestone.

Where our journey is destined to lead.

Home.

Where the heart wants to be again for the first time.

So, remember this one last thing.

It's never over, beyond all hope, there is certainly joy in abundance.

This I believe.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ACTUALLY

I look around me.

At the world that I live in.

I see scorched skies and scorched earth.

The air that I breathe chokes me.

And I feel so empty.

I walk along my way.

Feeling oh so alone.

Where did everything go?

Whatever happened to me?

Where did I go wrong?

I want to know.

I need to know.

God, I feel so very far away from You.

I cannot hear You any more.

I cannot feel You any more.

The tears flow freely.

I wipe them away.

I try to hide them.

I don't want anyone to see.

No one needs to know.

They would not understand anyway.

And I fear the ridicule that would surely come.

I am having trouble believing these days.

I am losing hope in these hard times.

With my faith slipping away from me in these dark days.

I have fallen so many times that I cannot get up any more.

The pain that I feel freezes my soul.

My heart is no longer breathing.

My mind just crumbles into dust.

I am broken.

This life is no place for this man to live.

I am not fit to survive on my own.

I don't know why I continue to try.

Just what is it that I am looking for?

What do I want?

What do I need?

I know this,

I know not.

My skies are always falling down on me.

My walls are all in ruins.

Weathered and withered am I.

Living for me hurts so very much.

That's why I am afraid to do so.

I'm even afraid to try.

What does it mean to live anyway?

What kind of man do I need to be?

And why do I seem to be so far away from myself?

I do not even know who I am.

God, how did I end up being this way?

Is it all a lie?

I sure hope it is.

I hope I open my eyes and it was all just a bad dream.

But I do not think that it is.

It is all so very real to me.

This is my reality.

I have been hurt.

I feel pain every day.

All the harms I have known keep me this way.

I look around me.

At the world around me.

It's then that I realize that I am actually looking in myself.

It's not about the world around me.

It's about the world within me.

That's where I live.

That's where I am slowly killing myself.

God please,

God please save me from myself.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHAT I HAVE BECOME

I believe in love,

but I am filled with hate.

I believe in the truth,

but I am filled with lies.

I believe in grace,

but I am filled with judgement.

I believe in acceptance,

but I am filled with loathing.

I believe in hope,

but I am filled with hopelessness.

I believe in faith,

but I am filled with despair.

I believe in forgiveness,

but I am filled with anger.

This is me,

what I have become.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

BLOODSTAINED HANDS

I was you, you were me.

I killed you, you killed me.

It was a crime that I did it to you.

It was a crime you did it to me.

Why am I the only one imprisoned?

Why am I the only one with bloodstains on his hands?

You are gone, I am still here.

I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

Because now I am completely alone.

With a total absence of everything.

Do I still believe?

Do I not believe any more?

The one thing I do know is that I do not know.

I am condemned.

I am cursed by my own words.

Where do I go from here?

When here is nowhere.

I regret everything I regret.

I left you lying dead on the ground.

But, I feel as though I am the one who's dead.

I am a ghost.

Neither here nor there.

Life no longer exists for me.

But then again, it never did.

There is no such thing as freedom.

I walk in the shadows.

I prefer it that way.

How am I supposed to believe with this black cloud looming over me?

Why has agony consumed me?

I know that I am guilty.

I punish myself every day.

I torture and torment myself.

I almost derive perverse pleasure from it.

It's almost like I'm killing myself all over again.

As I live in a prison of my own making.

Six walls and darkness absolute.

I scratch and I claw.

Even though there is no hope for escape.

Here I will remain.

This time I will wither and flake away.

I will crack and crumble to minute dust.

With no legacy left.

No one ever cared.

No one will ever care.

The no good son.

The wayward one.

The prodigal.

I killed you, you killed me.

I am no more, you are no more.

Just two lost souls, now become one.

But the end is the same.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY