26/04/2014

THE LIVING HELL I AM LIVING (IN MY MIND)



I am stained red.
My heart and soul have blackened.
I am torn and left in tatters blowing in the wind.
I am shaking with fear.
Despair is choking me.
I drop to my knees,
then facedown into the crimson muck.
I am ashamed.
I suffer the blame.
It's a crime that I am.
I live in the prison I made myself.
There's nothing more for me to say.
I have given up all hope.
My faith is dead.
All of my lies have brought me here.
And I have killed myself.
I drew the line and then crossed it.
What else was I to do?
I saw no end.
There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
Just absolute dark.
I don't believe in any rock bottom,
or at least I shot right through mine.
So there's no looking up for me.
I am down,
I will always be down.
All my options have been wasted.
So here I am,
where I always am.
Out in the open, exposed.
The driving rain falls down on me like hundreds of arrows.
The frigid wind hits me like a barrage of bullets and warheads from a thousand guns.
I am so cold and afraid.
I am all huddled up, shivering.
Wondering where am I going from here,
and just where is here?
It feels like nowhere.
I've been walking in circles for the whole of my life.
I am lost, 
I am fallen.
I cannot run, I cannot get away from myself.
Wherever that I go there I am as well.
My own worst enemy.
I give myself up every time.
I betray myself with a kiss.
God has turned His back on me.
Forgotten and forsaken.
I guess He doesn't want me any more.
My name has been taken away,
I am no one.
I have no identity,
I have no point of origin with which I can refer to.
I cannot start over again.
I will not even try.
It seems so useless to me.
Just when I was beginning I came to an abrupt end.
I hit my end going faster than the speed of light.
I lie here crying.
Knowing that there is nothing left for me.
I am in the middle of a vicious circle,
a vicious cycle with no end in sight.
I spin faster,
faster still,
and faster still.
My mind is unable to comprehend,
eventually it just stops.
It doesn't work any more.
Not that it did in the first place.
It is fallen apart just like I am.
Anger and hate have taken over.
Feeding the rage inside me.
All this takes so much out of me.
Leaving nothing of me.
I am me no more.
I want to die,
but I died a long time ago.
There is no more reason.
There is no more purpose.
My mind is chaotic and psychotic.
Call me a psychopath.
I have quarantined myself.
I am toxic.
I am bleeding internally.
I have began shutting down.
This grey world has turned black.
I am fading away,
I am fading out.
I murdered love.
I murdered who I really am.
Left lying where I was,
where I am.
Let me rot, let me decay.
I am not me any more.
No one will remember me.
Just a tiny figment of a imagination.
To hell with this living hell that I am living.
I am burning with a cold fire.
I am ash and cold embers.
Left behind.
I burned out,
I burned away.
This is all, this is nothing.
And I just do not understand anything.
What is going on?
My body is wrapped in a vine of thorns.
The thorns bite into me and keep going deeper and deeper.
There is just no more.
I am no more.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

1 comment:

I'd love to know what you think of this poem.