There you are trying to hide again.
There is rain falling from your eyes again.
You're drowning.
You are torn and shattered.
Your heart is left in tatters again.
You try to wipe those rain drops away.
You'd give anything just to be somewhere else.
Your life here is one storm after another.
It seems as if life is always raging against you.
You live in fear constantly.
You never know what's going to be coming down on you next.
The hurt and pain are constant.
You keep your cries to yourself.
You don't want anyone seeing your harms and scars.
You cannot take the ridicule.
So you live in silence.
Never letting your feelings and emotions show.
But every now and again you end up falling apart despite your best efforts.
No one understands.
No one seems to care.
You are just one big target for them.
It all eats away at you like a cancer.
You've no hope for a better day, much less better days.
Life for you is an open grave.
But you never rest in peace.
You try to swallow everything everyone throws at you.
But you choke on everything, every time.
You don't know how to hold on or let go.
You don't even know the difference.
You always keep to yourself deep within.
You try to avoid everyone and everything.
You want nothing to do with anyone or anything.
Who can blame you?
Considering the state of your so-called life.
You try to keep your cracked mind together, without much success.
You are slowly dying within, or you already are.
You wonder if it will ever end.
You wonder if everything will just go away.
You have lost all hope and faith.
And you know nothing of love.
Empty and nothing are you.
You are growing numb.
That just makes you so angry.
What's the reason for your life then?
You see no purpose.
You don't know what your life's for.
All you know is that you hurt everyday that you awake.
You cry yourself asleep every night.
No one even knows.
Would it help if someone did?
Would they just be feeling sorry for you.
Such a poor excuse for a person.
You just don't see your beautiful heart.
You don't see your beautiful soul.
As far as you're concerned you are ugly inside and out.
That is such a shame.
Because that could not be further from the truth.
The rain pouring from your eyes is blinding you.
You feel so worthless.
You feel incapable.
You feel separate.
You feel forgotten and forsaken.
You do not realize that your feelings are lying to you.
You believe everyone is right.
You are nothing and unimportant.
You see no way out.
Freedom is too far out of reach.
In your mind you believe there is no escape for you.
Not now, not ever.
You cannot forgive yourself nor can you love yourself.
No one else does after all.
So why should you.
The lies are consuming you from the inside out.
You only see one last way out.
You only see one last resort for you.
You're ready to give up.
You're ready to give in.
Will you poison yourself?
Will you dangle yourself?
Will you draw lines across your wrists?
If you could only see just how much you are loved.
If you could only see just how beautiful you truly are.
But you already feel you are dead.
You feel as though you don't exist nor have you ever.
Words seem like a waste.
You are not going to believe nor listen.
It's your choice to make.
Please, just choose carefully.
There is so much for you in life.
You just don't see it.
You are worth so much more than the sum you think you are.
You just do not believe it.
If only you could know that there is someone you can lean on.
There is someone who understands.
There is someone who will always hold you close and will never let you go.
Never will you be let down.
Just close your eyes and open your broken heart.
You can be healed.
Your innocence lost can be yours once again.
All that was stolen will be returned.
You can be made whole again.
You are loved by a love that will lift you and carry you up and away.
A love so high above everything.
All you need do is believe.
Then feel yourself begin to soar.
Up above all of the heavens.
There is more than one last resort for you.
You can be born again.
A new life awaits you.
Remember that you are NOT alone!
Not in this, not in anything.
You are not the only one who feels as you do.
Because I do.
I am you.
I've gone to the edge and almost stepped out and off.
But I was pulled back from the brink.
I am slowly learning to forgive and love myself for the first time, again.
You can too.
Just believe.




Life is a war.
My mind is the battlefield.
But I deserted a long time ago.
I could not take it any more.
All the afflictions.
All the harms.
I bear too many scars.
Within me fear and hatred are intermingled.
In my heart I hemorrhage uncontrollably.
My soul is torn.
I try to run from it all.
But it all comes with me.
I am diseased beyond any healing.
It is consuming my mind.
Fragmented as it is.
I cannot continue to run any more.
I drop down.
Exhausted and exasperated.
Any hope slips from my grasp.
I am broken.
Poison racks my entire body.
Everything is growing grey.
Ever darkening.
As my heartbeat slows.
I can still hear the screams within my mind.
The visions haunt me.
I struggle to stand.
But I've no strength left at all.
And so I fall.
There is no getting back up this time.
As I continue to bleed where I lie.
I roll over and stare up at the heavens above.
"God, please heal or take me."
I am so far away from what I can take.
I am so far away from myself.
"God, if You are going to do anything please do it now."
With a fractured sight I look for You, I look to You.
There is no going back for me.
I will not go back!
The trauma is just too much for this crumbling man.
Call me a coward if you want.
I do not care.
This is the end for me.




Here I am again.
I went away.
Now I am back.
I am never gone for long.
Oh how I hate it here.
I hate it even more that I am here again.
Because it means that I have hurt You again.
Down on my knees.
Tears streaming from my eyes.
I can feel the pain I have brought upon You again.
The very One who takes all my pain away as if it did not exist.
I do not feel very thankful right now.
It almost feels as though it would be a lie.
Another lie on top of an endless tower of lies.
"I'm sorry" just does not seem worthy after all You have done for me and continue as so.
I do not mean to do what I do.
But, I still do what I do.
I do not mean to say what I say sometimes.
Once again, I still say all that I say.
"I'm just a man" is such a lame excuse.
And an even worse explanation.
"I know not what I do", is just a lie.
I know exactly what I am doing.
Even though I rarely think anything through.
You deserve so much more than I ever give You.
You are much more than just my Heavenly Father.
You are my Lord and God!
My Saviour!
The One who forgave me for all of my sins.
And still consider me so.
You still call me son.
You never show me anger.
You never punish me.
You never turn me away.
I know not why You even continue to bother with a man such as I am.
I do not understand Your love for me.
I am so completely undeserving.
Even more so, I am unworthy of You.
Still, You continue to love me.
Still, You accept me into Your presence.
The few times that I come to You.
Your grace still remains with me.
I am just a mere man.
I have lied, I have cheated, I have stolen.
I have been one with the wicked.
I have been wicked.
I have been unclean.
Out of my mouth has come many curses.
I have shown great hate.
I have shown anger and even rage.
I have measured out so much judgement.
And have been measured the same.
I have been violent.
I have been hurt and I have hurt.
Still, You love this poor excuse of a man.
Much less a child of God.
You have never given up on me.
You continue to bring many blessings upon me.
Do I deserve such?
Do I give such?
I know not.
I am not.
Still, You say that I am.
Still, You show great grace.
I have never known any of the such from anyone.
You are thee One and Only.
I do not feel worthy to even speak Your Name, as Holy as You are.
But as here I am again.
You lift me to standing and send me on my way.
Walking in the light of Your boundless and unfailing love.
"My son, my son, you will forever be my son."
I hear You say.
I stop and look back, where I was is gone.
I turn and look ahead and I can see the light giving me sight of the path I belong on.
The path You put me on a long time ago.
"I love you, my child, and I always will, no matter what."
I drop to my knees.
"Father, all I can say is thank You."
Again, You lift me to my feet and send me on my way.
Somewhere deep within my heart I know You will always be with me wherever I go.
No matter what.
Faithful is who You are.




The silence comes upon you.
It wraps all around you.
It takes you in.
You slip into a void of absolute darkness.
Your screams freeze in your throat.
You fear the absolute darkness.
You fear the alone.
You fear the empty.
You feel hollow.
Your fear is complete.
This place is so cold.
No hope.
Despair holds you here.
Atrophy consumes your heart and soul.
The silence becomes you.
You become the silence.
You have no control.
You slowly surrender.
You can feel death looming.
It is so inviting.
Whispering your name.
Death is moving to replace the silence.
It will take you.
It will swallow you whole.
You won't care.
You will willingly offer yourself to it.
Now you are gone as if you were never here.
You never existed.
This is the silence.
This is death.
The lie you call truth.




Look at all the home fires burning.
And that's not a good thing.
This world has become ash.
Spewing poison into the air.
We're all slowly dying and don't even know it.
No one sees the skies slowly blackening.
There is little hope for this world.
Life just won't slow down.
It's passing us all by.
At break neck speed.
And we are all trying to keep up to its' impossible speed.
Leaving no time for the things that really matter.
Like love and the truth.
What happened to all of us.
We have become our own gods.
Living to serve the self.
I am suffocating.
Everything that I bring up is black.
My heart and soul have become black.
I still believe in hope though.
The faith I have been given keeps me going.
But even I must admit that I am slowing.
It's so hard to go against the flow.
Keeping one's head above the water.
The rip tide is pulling us all down and out.
Never to be seen again.
Oh God, my God.
What happened?
What's going on?
Are You allowing all of this?
I just do not understand why.
I'm having trouble seeing the reason for all of this.
We're killing ourselves.
Everyone dies but it wasn't meant to be like this.
God, I'm having trouble seeing what Your will is amongst all of this.
Man is consuming itself.
What was once beautiful has become all weathered and withered.
There has never been peace on Earth.
But this goes way beyond that.
I cannot help but fall to my knees crying.
Tears trace lines down my marred face.
I hang my head low.
For this is where I am.
This is where I live.
This is my world too.
My life has become broken.
I do not want to admit defeat in all this.
But what choice do I have?
Did I ever have a choice?
I can't help it, but I'm losing hope.
My world is shaking and breaking apart.
I am worn down and worn out.
I try to fight back.
But right now I am wondering what for.
It keeps getting worse with the passing of each day.
Another victim of time.
It's so hard when the moment is ever passing.
My mind is cracking and crumbling.
I try to shake it all off.
But it all continues to get the best of me.
All my cries are silent, screaming within my mind.
Driving me mad.
But maybe that's just what I need.
To get mad.
To stop and take a stand.
This is my world, this is my life.
And I am taking it back.
The world is burning all around me.
But I refuse to result as such.
I don't want to be burned alive.
I stand and look all around me.
A tear drops from my eye.
I drop to my knees.
All is aflame.
There is nowhere to go.
The Earth is scorched.
Soon it will all be razed to the ground.
Oh God above.
Is this our fate?
Have You turned Your back on us all?
But, in my heart that remains to be seen.
I can see hope rising.
The sun has yet to set.
I still believe in the coming of a new day.
I'm still alive.
The Earth is scorched.
There is devastation.
There is desolation.
Still life blooms, even among all that is dead.
See it sprout out of all the ash that covers everything.
That gives me hope for tomorrow.
It gives me hope for today.
It gives me hope.
And strengthens my faith.
I still believe.




Wide awake again.
All alone in my lonely room.
My tears stain my pillow.
My cries are silent.
Even though they scream endlessly in my mind.
I feel so cold.
Sitting in this prison that I have condemned myself to.
Complete darkness covers me.
I ache all over.
No energy have I.
My will I have lost.
But at least I still have hope.
And a small measure of faith.
After is all said and done and at the end of the day they are all that I have.
Something to keep me looking forward.
Giving me a reason to keep on keeping on.
No matter how much that I want to right now I will not give up.
Not just yet.
I'm not quite ready to die.
No, not just yet.
But still here I remain.
Not knowing what is going on with and in me.
This chaos takes so much from me.
I am so frustrated and angry and don't even know why.
I no longer find peace nor solace here.
It's just a place that I dwell in visible silence.
I ask myself if I really care any more at all.
I feel like a leper.
People fear me.
And that just really hurts.
Another hurt upon many other hurts.
Sometimes it's almost impossible to see what is going on.
Even though I feel so much hurt and pain I'd rather feel that than feel nothing at all.
At least I'd know that I am still alive.
Numbness wouldn't serve me well at all.
I already feel cold enough, and that's quite enough.
Still, I sit here alone.
My mind just will not leave me be.
It's always getting in the way..
Causing my feelings to lie to me constantly.
At times I just do not know who or what to trust.
At times I feel so lost, down in the absolute darkness of my careless afflictions.
Oh how I need to sleep.
I need to escape this hell within me.
Just one blessing would be nice instead of always being cursed.
Through my tears I can see the refracted light.
It's almost surreal.
I'm not sure of what to make of it.
My feelings are getting in the way again.
"Just get out of my mind, give me a moment of peace of mind. That's not asking too much is it?" I cry out.
I cannot take it any more.
God, I am looking for You.
I've been waiting for You for so long, forever it seems.
My heart longs for You.
For I know You will provide.
But it's just so hard right now.
I am still here alone.
Even though I know that You are here with me Jesus.
My feelings are causing so much confusion in my already fragmented mind.
It hurts so much, my fractured soul.
All tattered and torn.
I have been here for too long.
I've grown to hate this place within myself.
I even have grown to hate the me that I am right now.
So broken and battered.
God please take me away from myself.
I do not get along with me any more.
I get so angry at myself.
I loathe that I am betrayed time after time.
Now my emotions hate me and have declared all out war on me.
As if my life wasn't a battlefield already.
And I feel so much more anger, almost growing into rage.
God this is who and how I am right now.
I feel so far away from You.
I can no longer see or hear You.
I feel forgotten about, I feel forsaken.
There's my feelings lying to me again.
I just don't know.
What the hell is going on?
God please take me away from my this hell.
Teach me truth.
Show me freedom.
Remove the fog from around me.
Give me sight once again.
Take away all of my fear, even though I'm not sure of just what it is that I fear.
My emotions have given me up once again.
And my feelings are lying to me again, "Oh of course!"
I'm seeking sanctuary, but I just get asylum.
Locked away and forgotten in some damned sanitarium.
I'm just so sick of it all.
Right now I feel so infected.
The poison has spread throughout all of me.
God, I am looking for You still.
I must be doing something wrong.
'Cause I am just not seeing You, and I still cannot hear You.
Maybe it's just me.
But I don't think so.
I blame the scorched world all around me.
It has driven me mad.
I declare war on it all.
I declare war on all that imprisons me.
I am serving notice to all that is dark and cold in me...
I may not be able to fight for myself right now.
But there is One who is willing to fight for me.
I may not be able to stand on my own right now.
But there is One who is able to lift me up and carry me.
I may have no peace of mind right now.
But there is One who comforts and soothes me.
I know I cannot continue on on my own.
Definitely not for my own.
And certainly not on my own terms.
It never really works out anyway.
I'm just not smart enough.
I'm just not strong enough.
God, I am calling on You.
Please bring me back to life again for the first time.
Breathe oxygen into my heart.
Let my heart breathe once more.
My heartstrings are frayed and coming undone.
I am cracking and crumbling into fine dust.
I just want to see some light in my scorched world again.
I really hate these blood red skies.
Down on bloodied knees.
Alone here I sit.
In my lonely and cold room.
Somehow I can feel You in my life, such as it is.
I don't know if I believe in everything's going to be "okay".
I really don't think I will be going back to "okay" again,
not that I was ever there.
I just don't know.
God please turn down the world for me tonight.
Can You wash all the soot and grime from this world of mine off of me.
I need to rest right now.
Can You please shut off my mind?
I just need a little peace right now.
Let sleep take over me.
I don't want to think about all this any more.
It's been too long already.
Here I am, alone, but not lonely.
I am feeling You right here with me.
Let me fall into Your arms.
I really want to rest.
Put my heart and soul at peace tonight.
Lay me down assured.
These are things of which I have never known.
I am pleading with You, God.
Take away all of my fear.
Heal all of my afflictions before they kill me.
Here I am, still waiting.
I know Your love will be right on time, it always is.
I know I am not out of reach of Your love.
When Lord? Is what I am asking right now.
I can still feel the dampness on my pillows from the tears that continue to fall from my bloodshot eyes.
Either take everything from off of me or I will just push everything deeper down still.
I'm sure it will make a mess out of me that is already a mess.
I will close my eyes.
It's You I want to see.
God come take and hold my heart.
God please keep me.
On my own I am just not sound.
Much less safe.
Awake, alone in my lonely room, please hear my silent cries.
I'm trusting in Your grace and unfailing love.
Oh God, I need You here now, right now!




You're not a god, I will not pray to you.
I don't need to be blessed by you.
You will not deceive me.
I can see your schemes.
You are an open grave.
Waiting to devour whomever falls in.
You are death.
You offer absolution for a price.
You offer false atonement.
You are a slippery slop.
You are a snare waiting to spring.
You are a predator.
You hunt for the weak and the lost souls.
You swallow them whole.
They never had a chance.
You are a wolf in a man's skin.
You speak the truth, when you actually speak lies.
Oh Angel of Light, the Great Deceiver.
You seek the fallen as you once fell.
You seek to destroy one and all you can.
You're out to lure all God's children away.
Enticing them with worldly treasures.
You prey on a man's weaknesses.
You offer fame and fortune.
You cast a long shadow.
You try to remain unseen.
But I can see you plain as day.
And you hate me.
I cause you great anger.
You attack me constantly.
Trying to break me as you did with Job.
But as Job did, I will deny my Lord and Saviour.
I will remain steadfast.
I will stand against all that you throw at me.
When you knock me down I will get back up.
Knock me down again, I will only get back up again.
You may be bigger and stronger than I, but my God is bigger and stronger than you.
And you know it.
I see the fear in your eyes.
You know God exists and you tremble at the very mention of His Name.
His wrath will be absolute.
His vengeance, complete.
Your time may come.
But it will shortly come due and you will burn for all eternity.
Drowning in the Lake of Fire.
Still you remain in the world.
Many will fall at your feet.
You will have them in chains even before they know it.
Legion comes as a man.
He uses religion as a tool of deception.
He uses God's Name to deceive many.
Many will believe.
They will bow before him.
They will confess to him.
And he will use it all against them.
Letting them all think they are earning a place in Heaven.
Little do they know.
They believe in vain.
Their salvation is false.
And I cry for them.
They turn from Christ.
The only one who can save them.
Your grandeur is a delusion.
Your throne is dead and rotting from decay.
You are far from being "holy".
But you have chosen your own fate.
You are not the master.
You serve another master.
Your arrogance makes you ignorant.
And it's such a sad shame.
There will be no glory or honour for you.
Pray to your saints.
Cold and dead as they are.
You will never be a god.
You will never ascend.
The blind leading the blind.
All I can do is shake my head and walk away.
I pray for you.
Sadly though I think it's all in vain.
Your deception goes that deep.
Your roots reach deep, all the way down to Hell.
God, is there any hope for them?
Can they still be saved?
Is there time enough for them?
Or is their fate sealed?
I will pray.



Darkness will fall and surround.
Storms will come.
But do not worry my child.
I will provide.
I am with you always.
Life will beat you down.
The world will fall down on you.
But do not worry my child.
I will provide.
I am with you always.
I will give you shelter and refuge.
I am a strong tower.
Do not worry my child.
I will provide.
I am with you always.
I will wipe away all of your tears.
I will pick you up when you fall.
Do not worry my child.
I will provide.
I am with you always.
Do not fear my child.
I am with you always.
Right there, right now.
I love you.




What kind of life is this?
I don't understand.
I am confused.
This is not the way I thought my life would be.
It seems more like death.
All my years just seem as though they were all wasted.
Never here but certainly gone.
Not a want to be, but a never was.
My heart has turned stone cold.
And I cannot breathe.
I hardened then I crumbled to dust.
Were am I?
Do I even exist?
My blood shot burning eyes have turned to You, my God.
Down on bloodied knees.
My calloused and bleeding hands reach out to You.
My life has died.
Please come close.
I am thinking I need You.
Take this broken heart, it doesn't work any more.
Can I have a new one please?
With my last breath I cry out to You.
I have tried so hard only to fail every time.
Left on my own my whole life.
I had no one and am no one.
God, I cannot go one more millimetre.
So much I have lost.
So much was thrown away.
Then again, I never had anything anyway.
I no longer want to feel as though I were dead any more.
This is where I fall, flat on my face in the mud.
I've no more strength.
So God, are You there?
I am needing You now, now more than ever.
No one ever told me, no one ever showed me.
I never had a guide.
I trusted no one, especially me.
That's why I need You.
To teach me how to love again for the first time.
My time's come due.
Al I have left is You.
All alone, all on my own.
Then there was You.
There was always You.
How could I look the other way?
How could I just walk away?
Giving up all that I needed and more.
I lay down in the cold of the shadows.
For the whole of my life I have tried to keep everything hidden.
Even my own self.
My own worst enemy, I was lying to myself.
That's how I was when I stopped looking for what I was looking for.
Whatever that was.
I'd forgotten a long, long time ago.
Who knew I'd find myself when I found You.
I have been hurt and betrayed.
Lied to and taken advantage of.
Now I admit my weaknesses.
I stand to breathe in Your sweetness.
Please God, bring me to life.
I only have my hope and faith, and I put it all on the line.
I will trust wholly and solely in You.
I am just so weary.
I am down to my last millilitre of strength.
I've gone limp, I'm falling.
God please catch me.
And hold me.
Carry me far away from here.
All in pieces, I know only You can make me whole again.
I have been restored.
Rebuilt just like brand new.
I do not ever want to walk away from You again, my Father.
In Your arms I am home.
Just as though I never left.
This is where I belong.
Home with You.
Where my heart longs to remain.
Lay my head down to rest now.
I am no longer afraid.
You are with me.
Your grace and love comfort me.
I can now rest assured.




This world is so large.
Especially if you don't know of it.
This life is so overwhelming.
Especially if you're not ready for it.
A young mind just cannot comprehend.
Fear takes them down before they even know it.
So many voices telling them.
They spin around just like a top.
Confused and frustrated.
And angry.
They try to figure out their place in a place that they do not belong.
Hope slips from their grasp.
As their minds becomes all dark.
And all alone they cry out as one.
How many have to go before anyone listens?
They deserve a fighting chance.
But you are closed to all of this.
You'd rather not face the ugly truth.
You'd rather stay in your lie of a happy little world.
Meanwhile another one disappears.
Once here, gone.
So few seem to care.
So many choose to be ignorant.
For ignorance is bliss is it not?
What if it happens to you?
As you go on with your blind life.
Suddenly you realize that you are all alone.
What you loved is now not here any more.
You drop to your knees.
Crying..."Why, oh why?"
Such a pitiful sight.
You had a chance.
But now your life is empty.
Because you did not hear or listen to their cries.
It was for you to teach them.
It was for you to instill in them them all that they would need.
It was for you to hold them when they needed it.
But where were you when they needed you the most?
So comfortable in your lie of a happy little world.
Good for you that this is just a dream.
Or is it a nightmare?
They need to hear a voice of reason.
Be that now before it is too late.
Don't you turn out the light now!
Closing your eyes to sleep.
When you awake you will be alone.




Here I sit in a cold room.
All by myself.
Feeling oh so alone.
The pain is consuming me.
I cannot breathe.
The silence is deafening.
I am invisible.
I am wondering what I have done now.
Where have I gone this time?
I am so far down I can no longer see any light.
Here I lie.
Feeling as though I've been forgotten about.
Unforgiven and forsaken.
I cannot see God anymore.
He does not speak to me.
I am not listening anyway.
Anger rises up in my heart.
Burning me from the inside out.
I fell down and did not get back up.
I am left here as I am right now.
As I am feeling right now.
And I just do not care any more.
I shatter the mirror as I watch my tears flow down my face.
I do not want to see that.
I hate all that I am feeling.
I do not care if I am lying to myself or not.
I hate my own inner voice.
'Cause I am lying to myself.




Where have you gone?
Where, oh where are you?
I need you here.
I need you now.
I feel as though I am slipping away.
I am so lost without you.
An empty and hollow shell.
Have you left me for good?
Will I ever see you again?
You just don't know how much that I need you.
You just left me here like this.
Such as I am.
All alone and afraid.
I am just not myself without you.
I am not even me.
Where did you go?
What did I do?
What did I say?
I am fading away.
I am feeling like I am nothing.
I do not exist.
Here I sit, alone, crying.
I've lost myself again.
I don't know if I'll ever find my way back to me again.
Is this the end for me?




Feeling like you are invisible.
But I can see you.
Feeling so much hurt and pain from so many harms.
I can feel all that you feel too.
Every night you bury your face in your pillow to hide your tears.
And to muffle your screams and cries.
I see it all, I hear it all.
You cannot see me.
But I am right there with you.
Right there, right now.
I am holding you.
Do you feel me?
I am not going anywhere.
I'll not leave you, not now, not ever!
I will not give up on you.
I will never forsake you.
I promise.
You are such a mess?!
I see you as beautiful, because you are.
Do not let your feelings and emotions lie to you.
Don't you believe them.
Don't let yourself be deceived.
I believe in you.
I love you.
I don't care about anything, I only care about you.
I moved all Heaven and Earth just to be here with you.
I have so much to give.
My love, it's yours for the taking.
Here's my hand.
See the scars on my wrists?
See the scars on my face?
I have suffered too.
I have felt torment and torture.
I understand you and all you go through all too well.
It brings tears to my eyes to see you cry in such pain.
It breaks my heart to see all that you live.
But, I am still there with you.
I just wanted you to know.