There were fields where I used to run and play.
So many trees that I climbed.
The frozen lakes and ponds where I was a
All those times in front of the TV, sitting in the
lap of my dad.
So many hockey games that we watched.
He used to laugh and smile when I played
making all the sound effects myself.
There were the friends that came and went.
The times we shared together.
We were indestructible.
Oh how many times we tried.
We played hard.
We wore out shoes and the knees of so many
pairs of pants.
Which mom had to sew back together
or buy new ones.
She used to complain.
I never listened.
I was free as a bird.
I was bigger than a bear.
Not one care in the world.
The world didn't exist for me then.
Just that I got to run and be me.
I didn't like school.
I kept watch on the clock till the ringing
of the final bell.
When hundreds of kids were set loose.
No plans, I just did whatever I did.
I never paid much attention to yesterday.
Even less to tomorrow.
I didn't know tomorrow existed then.
Those are days long gone by.
Left all wrapped up in a place deep in my mind.
Where I try to go from time to time.
These days it's getting harder to find.
My mind is cloaked in darkness.
I'm afraid to go there.
Yesterday is now a place I remember
all too well.
All the good times erased.
Replaced with hurt and pain.
My mind fragmented by so many harms.
Still, a ray of light or two breaks through.
And I go back to days of then.
Where there were dragons to be slain.
Races to be run.
Damage to many a bike to be done.
That makes me smile.
In between many a blank stare.
Or a deep, dark frown.
The joy's been replaced by fear, anger and hate.
My innocence from those long ago times is
I fight back tears every day, every night.
I just want to be free again.
I just want to smile and laugh again.
Whatever happened to me.
How did I lose myself somewhere along the way?
It matters not.
Life is what it is.
I took the paths that I chose.
The decisions were made by me.
But with a broken mind I never could
get it right.
I'm so confused, so frustrated.
So much I don't understand.
So much that I cannot control.
I want to go back to days of then.
To spread my wings and soar so high again.
I still have hope though.
I still believe that little boy still exists.
He is quite alive.
I will learn to laugh again.
I will learn to live again.
I will learn to love and forgive again.
To have a heart of a indestructible child.
To have the faith of an innocent boy.
I will hold onto that hope.
Because it comforts me.
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(17/04/2013)