I never really dreamed of life without you.
You were always there.
In this life of mine.
You were such a presence.
Mostly a negative one.
You hurt me.
I hurt you.
You lay a hand on me.
I lay a hand on you.
You were me, I was you.
And I still am.
As I carry the memories.
Most I'd like to forget.
I'd rather remember the few.
Because they were good.
I now only see the good.
I wish I could have done that while you were 
  still here.
I wish I could have loved you instead 
  of hating you.
But that no longer matters.
It's long, long gone.
I only want to move on.
Because I am still alive, I have to live.
I am so afraid of living the same life you did.
But is that such a bad thing?
Your heart was always one of love.
I can only hope my heart is the same.
You just wanted to love me.
I never did let you.
As I began to hate myself.
And I know you just wanted love from me.
That I just could not do.
I couldn't even do that for myself.
You were me.
I was you.
Your presence is still felt.
You are a part of me.
I have come to love that.
As I try to learn to love myself again.


1 comment:

  1. Dad, you and me were just the same. We were both full of the same poison. But you struggled to love yourself and love me as well, which I wouldn't allow. I was struggling to love myself. That's all in the past, I need to let go, and move on. I am alive, I have to live. I still struggle to love myself, but I can now let you love me, even though you are gone. I do my best to love you, but that's so hard when I can't even love myself. You never gave up, I never will either. Dad, I love you.


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