What has my life come to?
I don't remember where I've been.
I don't know where I am.
I'm afraid of where I will be.
All my memories are scorched.
So much has faded.
My tears used to wash the pain away, 
  now they only sting.
I swallow my pain everyday.
And I choke on it every time.
They say I'm defined by what I've been through.
But I question that.
What I've gone through has only held me down.
If that's what defines me then I'm down, broken.
A loser is said to be someone who's not just
  afraid to live but is afraid to even try.
I guess I am a loser.
No one understands.
I am included in that.
I know I have only one life and there is only so 
  much time to live it.
But how am I supposed to live when
  I don't know how to?
I never have.
No one ever taught me how.
I was thrust out into this world without.
Fear constantly beats me up.
Fear constantly beats me down.
I have to hide.
I live in darkness.
I only shed invisible tears.
My crying and sobbing is silent and held in.
I am so tired of everyone telling me how to live.
I am tired of opinions unsolicited.
How can they know what's best for me?
They don't even know me.
They cannot even see me.
They never listen to me.
I just want to be left alone.
I'm better off that way.
I am so sick and tired of explaining myself.
No one understands anyway.
Not that I do.
Because I do not.
This is why I am afraid to live and to even try.
I see blindly.
I hear in silence.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
God, what's wrong with me?
God, where are you?
Have you forgotten about me?
I know I am just one little speck 
  but I am alone down here and hurting.
Dying a little bit more with the passing 
  of each day.
I'm having trouble believing these days.
These are dark days for me.
I am troubled.
I am confused.
I am frustrated.
I cannot take this any more, never could anyway.
In my heart I feel so sad.
It makes my heart feel so heavy.
I only ache in my soul.
Making my soul feel torn.
I have made a home deep within myself.
This is where I am.
Out of sight , out of mind.
I fractured my mind somewhere along the way.
I am so broken.
And it hurts.
I guess this is what my life has come to.



  1. Life never is what one expected it to be.
    All the hurt and pain is so hard to take.
    As for me I don't know how to take it or how to deal with it.
    How can I? When I never knew in the first place.
    Someone let me down.
    Still I live, as does everyone.
    I keep on, I carry on, as hard as it is.
    This is my life such as it is.
    I will do my best to live it, or at least I will try to do my best.
    It's all I can do.

  2. I hear you my fellow loser :)
    I guess there could be no winners if no one lost....
    Of course expectations do play a huge role. Whether we feel like we've won or lost is relative to them, to the goals.

    So I'm told to lower my expectations. Be grateful. It could be worse, and it is worse for others....Ironic. I was once told that I could be anything I wanted to be. Aim high. Don't settle....

    We live in a time and place that is exceptional, and we did nothing to earn it.
    I figure that I DID "win the lottery" in that respect.:)
    In some ways that makes it harder to be living in "default" especially as a woman. To have all the opportunities, and not to have taken them.

    At 31, I felt like I was still in the prologue when suddenly it was over, 50 years of epilogue to go.....At least now it's down to 40 :D
    As you've said, I just try to keep my mind in the now. I'm feeling much better for it. NOT better, but feeling better. It's something, and it's all I can do.


I'd love to know what you think of this poem.