A DISEASED MIND...A DISEASED BODY...A DISEASED HEART...A DISEASED SOUL

With a diseased mind there is a diseased body.

With a diseased heart there is a diseased soul.

God doesn't seem to care.

Where is He in all of this?

So very far away.

Forgotten and forsaken.

Alone and on our own.

It's no wonder that I want to die.

What did I do to deserve all this?

Why can no one help me?

Why does no one care?

Where is the love in this world?

God is hording it all for Himself.

It doesn't matter anyway.

"I do not give a...ah never mind"!

I don't care either.

I have been fighting for so long.

It's come to be a lost cause.

I try to hold onto hope.

But I have to wonder if hope has let me down.

My faith is shaken.

I feel broken beyond all repair.

I feel as though I cannot be saved.

Life keeps coming down on me.

I live amongst all the ruins.

But there aren't any ruins.

I never had any such thing as a so-called "life".

The silence that I hear is all inside my head.

Oh the screams that are driving me mad.

And I am half way there.

God, my so-called Saviour, where are You?

I want to die!

It's all just too much for a man like me.

But You already know that don't You?

"Ah, to hell with it all!"

I'm already there anyway.

But i just don't want to give up, not just like that.

But if there's nothing more; how can I continue?

A little little only goes so far.

I just don't know.

I don't want to care any more.

For to care is to feel.

And I don't want to feel any more.

Or is it I'd rather feel this pain than nothing at all.

I'm still alive.

I'm reminded each and every day.

When my mind awakens and the screams start from where they left off just moments ago.

Where is the sleep.

Something foreign to me.

God, I'm ready to give up.

Just like You already have.

Call me unforgiven.

Call me condemned.

Let go of me.

For I am already fallen.

I am encased within my frozen tears.

Lost deep within myself.

Where no one could ever go.

All alone.

The silence is deafening.

The dark is complete.

And I am afraid.

God, are You there?

Can You please save me?

I don't know what else to do.

I don't know who else to turn to.

I am just so tired of laying so much blame.

I' just so sick and tired of feeling so sick and tired.

God...are You there?

And here I am.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

REASON AND PURPOSE

It isn't about me.

It isn't about you.

We are but single grains of sand on an endless desert.

We are but single drops of water in a vast ocean.

I'm not here for me.

I'm not here by me.

I am not me because I am.

It's not because "I think therefore I am."

I am but a fool.

And I can be found often playing with my folly.

No one is created for unto themselves.

No one is created just to live.

And no one is here alone, nor left on their own.

We all have purpose.
We all have reason.
We have received our own measure.
No one can plead ignorance.
We are all, each and every one, created for and by our Creator.
The Creator of all things.
The Lord over all.
Thee One Most High.
Thee One True God.
Who loves us all so much.
More than you and I will ever know.
It is not what we as men can comprehend.
Created in His image.
As He is spirit, we too are spirit.
The seen selves are but illusions.
We are His Chosen.
God over all, the holder of the whole world.
He calls us His children.
We were created in love for love.
Born to love.
Love that is forgiving and that is for giving.
To love as He loves.
This is how we show our love for Him.
If we love Him we will keep his commands.
God, our Lord Almighty, alone is worthy.
To God all praises, to God all honour, to God all glory.
This is our reason, and our purpose.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

LIFE, THE WAR. THE MIND, THE BATTLEFIELD. (STALEMATE)

Night has fallen.

The shadows have stretched and covered everything.

The hidden have come out to play.

The stench of deception fills the air.

Mixed with the putrid decay of despair.

Run if you might.

Run if you will.

Run if you can.

But there is no escape for you.

Not for you, not for any one.

Abandon all hope all those who have been imprisoned.

Your world, now in ruin.

All you were has now crumbled to dust.

Your throat was crushed.

Your heart ripped from your chest, still beating.

Your lifeblood has all been sucked dry.

As you sink deep within yourself.

You turn ashen.

Your soul has been torn to shreds.

Your mind has been taken.

You know not where.

And you will never know.

For a fog now surrounds you.

You now choke on a acrid smoke.

Abandon all hope.

You who enter will never leave.

Hear the chorus of haunting laughter.

You are now nothing at all.

Deserted and left to die and rot.

Forgotten and forsaken.

You will suffer.

You do suffer.

This is life for you, this is death for you.

But, what is this?

A single sliver of light.

As the horizon begins to glow a bright orange.

The dawn of a new day is rising.

The warmth now swallows the cold.

As you lay dying you begin to breathe with assurance.

Life returns to you.

You are restored.

All that was taken is now given back.

You can now stand.

Stare into the blinding light.

Hope rises as you return to seeing.

This is a brand new day.

A brave new world.

Where courage is yours once more.

Breathe life in deep.

Revel in the joy that says you are alive.

The wounds and harms have now healed.

Covered by scars.

Beautiful scars.

But remain wary.

Be ever vigilant.

The shadows still lurk just out of sight.

Their icicle like fingers still reach out to you.

They still crave your fear.

They still desire your suffering.

For they derive perverse pleasure from your pain.

Keep in mind that you are strong.

You are not alone.

You are not the only one.

We will all stand together.

Life is yours to keep and to hold.

Give not a millimeter of your hard fought for ground.

Take courage my love.

Hold the course.

Hold steady.

Hold fast.

Something wicked this way comes.

Can you see it?

Take all measures.

Batten down the hatches.

Give no mercy.

Give no quarter.

For you would be given none.

Hope has risen.

It is for you and no one can take it from you.

Powerful is the darkness within you.

But stronger is the hope and love that occupies you.

Remember, life is a war, your mind is the battlefield.

And it is a stalemate.

Do not be afraid to stand, even when coming under fire.

You are not alone.

Not in this, not in anything.

We are one, we are few, we are many.

Stay strong.

Always believe.

You will remain sound my friend.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME (WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?)

Look at me, it's obvious you can't see me.

Listen to me, it's obvious you're ignoring me.

Don't you touch me, it hurts every time you do.

Don't you speak to me, it hurts every time you do.

I can't get away, I don't know where to go.

I can't stand up for myself, I fall harder every time I do.

I can't protect myself, the hits come more and harder.

These are my tears, frozen to my face.

These are my harms, invisible to all but me.

This all has harmed me, continuing to do so.

These wounds are permanent, even the scars still weep.

I have been hurt, all innocence is gone.

I look at you, I become angry.

I look at you again, I become enraged.

I look at me in the mirror, I feel the hate burn deep within.

Words are just not going to save me, they're hollow and just fall to the floor before me.

Don't you try to fix me, 'cause I am beyond all repair.

Besides, you don't know me, and cannot possibly know how to.

So leave me alone, go back the other way.

Forget about me, just like everyone else has.

I just don't care any more, I don't want your help.

I hate myself, I hate you, and I hate you.

The one who put me here, your anger and hate were contagious.

Now I am infected, and I am contagious too.

Thanks for that, I hate you for that.

You made me, you made me who I am.

What I have become, I am your work of art.

You should know that I have never healed, and that I never will.

Would you even care, do you even care?
And you, why do you care?
What am I, what am I to you?
You cannot possibly love me, you and I are completely far apart.
Where were you when I was dying, where were you when I died.
You don't know me, I don't want you to.
I don't know you, I don't want to.
Do not reach out to me, I will just back away from you.
Do not look at me, do not look for me.
I don't want you, I don't want you to.
Just go away, just leave me here alone.
Just like everyone before you, just like everyone after you.
This is what I am, this is who I am.
As much as I hate me, as much as I hurt me.
I am isolated, I am separated.
Imprisoned deep within, cold and naked.
In a prison of my own making, just six walls, no window, no door.
I have been here before, I will always remain here.
I have abandoned all hope, I am in my own personal living hell.
Absolute darkness, a total absence.
I hold onto everything, I'm afraid to let anything go.
I don't want to be left with nothing, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.
You can't see my own personal wounds, you'd only be frightened by them.
I am, and that's a surety.
The past, the present and the future, are all mixed into one.
I'm afraid to live, and much worse, I'm afraid to even try.
You should be proud of yourself, look what you made out of me.
I have become you, I have lost myself.
I don't believe in absolution, I don't believe in salvation.
There is no helping me, there is no rescuing me.
I just want to lie here, I just want to die here.
I will wait, I will haste.
Cut open, pulled open.
Ripped and torn.
Put to flame, razed to the ground.
Scorched and burned.
Beyond all recognition, beyond all.
I cannot forget, I cannot remember.
What happened to me. What happened to me?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

????

I don't remember where I have been.

I only know that I have been somewhere, or is it nowhere?

I know I am feeling hurt and pain.

I can see all the harms and all the wounds.

I can see all the scars too.

I do remember what came down on me.

I do remember what came around from behind me.

I remember all the hurt feelings.

I remember all the scared emotions.

I know I have been lied to, betrayed and used.

Is it me, may be, I just do not know.

So, here I am.

Just where is it that I am?

It seems so familiar.

All that I know for sure is that I am afraid.

I don't feel like I belong here.

A stranger in a strange land.

A misfit, an outcast, a no one.

I wonder, where did these feelings come from?

So unsure, so confused.

And I don't know where I am going.

How can I make it through all of this hell?

When I don't know if there is anything ahead for me.

Tell me, what does "just live in the moment" mean?

I'm starting to feel dizzy from walking around in circles.

'Round and 'round I go, then down I go.

Now, I know I have been here before.

I know this is where I always seem to be.

It's probably where I will always be.

The only and one thing I know beyond all uncertainty is that I just do not know.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ONE DAY

You come to me night after night.

Day after day.

Night after night.

And day after day.

Your voice is but a whisper to my ears,

But a scream to my mind.

You laugh as I cry.

You sip from my tears.

Laughing all the louder.

In my mind those tears are my blood.

My life.

As it is slowly draining away.

My torment is your pleasure.

You keep pushing me down. 

But I keep getting back up.

I will continue to do so till I draw my final breath.

You do not know that you will draw yours first.

And that I never will.

For it has been foretold.

Your doom is already sealed.

There will come a day.

A day you think you have triumphed.

But it will be the day that you are cut down.

It will be the day you drown in a burning lake of fire.

You see, you are the only mortal here.

So, do your best, or is it; your worst?

It will all be for naught.

My day will come.

When I will know no more pain.

There will be no more mourning, no more tears to be shed.

I almost pity you.

You do not even realize what is coming.

But I shall not.

You deserve it all and everything.

You have had your time here on Earth, but that time is almost run out.

Your debt is about to come due.

And you will find yourself without.

But you still shall pay, you shall pay with your so-called life.

As you drown in the flames.

Death will come due.

You will be the one to pay.

All you have done will come back on you a hundred fold.

There will be no pardon for you.

For the pardon was given me some time ago.

So come to me all you will.

Come at me all you want.

You are just heaping more and more burning coals upon your head.

As all my scars heal.

All my pain will be wiped away as if it never happened.

No more harms to torture me.

For all that was mine, and all that was everyone else's shall become yours.

For once and for last.

All will be on you as you drown.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE GRACE OF GOD

The world will take advantage of you.
Life will walk all over you.
If you let them.
You are stronger than you know.
You have a power over them, and that's the power of choice.
The world is a harsh environment to live in.
And life always seems to be out to get us all.
I know, I've been there.
Down on the down side.
I have felt the pain.
I have been hurt by those who loved me.
I wear many scars upon many scars.
I can't help but to cry when I remember all the hell I had to go through.
I still do not understand everything.
And I still do not know very much, if anything at all.
That's quite alright with me.
'Cause my road lays before me.
My future has not been written yet.
It's true my past brought me here.
But it's done and gone away.
Here I am.
Right here, right now.
It was my choices that I followed.
 I thank God for all the wisdom and knowledge.
And the discerning to be able to tell the two apart.
Now, you will not walk the same path I did.
You will not see what I saw.
You will not experience all that I did.
Count yourself blessed for that.
'Cuase I almost didn't make it out alive.
By the grace of God alone here I am.
And that's all that can and will bring you and keep you.
I pray that you make it through.
It will not be easy by far.
Just remember just how much loved that you are.
Always hold onto your hope.
Don't be afraid to trust your instincts.
Always know that you can lean on your faith.
After all, it's all that you have.
There is no need to fear.
For fear is not real, fear is a choice.
Learn from your mistakes and failures.
That what will make you who you are.
And always listen to that still, small voice.
Wherever you end up remember that's exactly where you need to be.
That's where all the paths that you take will lead.
Brought there by the grace of God alone.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

NOTHING AND NO MORE

I'm breaking up.

I'm breaking down.

I am beaten up.

I am beaten down.

The fix is in.

I am broken.

I'm holding out.

I'm giving in.

I'm giving up.

I am let down.

I feel like hell.
I am hell.
I do not.
I am undone.
I am not saying.
I cannot say.
I am done.
I am finished.
There is nothing.
There is no more.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I AM NO

I am the no good one.

I am the no good son.

I am the no good brother.

I am the no good friend.

I will let you down every time.

I am unreliable.

I am untrustworthy.

I am the unloving.

I am the unlovable.

I am the unforgiving.

I am the unforgivable.

I am the forsaken.

I am no one.

I am nothing.

I am not.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HERE I AM (AGAIN, STILL)

Here I am.

Again.

Feels as though I never left.

Oh too familiar it is to me.

It's an open grave that I am always falling into.

I am swallowed.

Guilt and shame hold me here.

Anger and fear cover me over.

Here I am.

Again.

Still.

A prisoner unto myself.

With little to no hope.

Despair envelopes me.

God, please hear me.

Please save me, save me from me.

I cause all the damage.

All of the hurts.

All of the harms.

Here I am. 

Again.

Still.

My hope is waning.

My strength is gone.

My stores of faith is empty.

God please!

I still believe in Your love.

I sorely need Your grace right now.

God, hear my pleas.

Here I am.

Again.

Still.

God please, hear me, for I am broken.

I am destitute.

God, You are my only hope.

You are my salvation.

My redemption.

God please take me from here.

God please take me from me.

Here I am.

Again.

Still.

Alone.

I cannot move.

I am panicking.

I am suffocating.

Everything is closing in.

Crushing my spirit.

Crushing my heart and soul

Here I am.

Again.

Still.

God, are You there?

For I have lost my sight.

I can no longer feel You.

I can no longer hear You.

God please.

God please come close.

If You're there, please come and hear me.

Here I am.

Again.

Still.

Overburdened.
Oppressed.
Separated and isolated.
Alive but dead.
Here but nowhere.
I am torn.
Ripped to shreds.
Here I am.
Again.
Still.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

INFIRMITIES, AFFLICTIONS & HARMS

Days gone by are what hold me prisoner here this day.

Days yet to come hold the keys that will set me free.

So close and yet so far away.

Sucking the life out of me.

All hope dwindles.

Darkness is falling all around me.

Despair tears apart my heart and soul.

My mind cracked and started to crumble a long, long time ago.

Apathy and atrophy set in.

I am weak, I am broken, I am desolate.

Left all alone.

Just as I wanted it.

But, I must say that one must be careful what one wishes for.

The silence screams inside my head.

Echoing on and on and on forever.

I can no longer stand it.

I'm down on hands and knees.

I can no longer take it.

My hands are empty and bloodied.

My eyes, hollow and sunken into my skull.

I am but a vision of my former self.

Not that my former self was any better off.

All my dreams turned to nightmares.

Robbing me of my innocence.

Taking away that child-like faith.

No more wonder beyond wonder.

My skies are bled red.

I sit and cry tears in acid rain.

As I sink deeper down within myself.

Dark grows pushing me into a total absence of light existence.

That plane is so cold.

I did not ascend, but I did descend.

I cry out with silence.

I am going insane.

Quiet lucidity slowly becomes my dementia.

Throw me into a soul asylum.

Medicate me to numbness.

Lock me away and throw away the key into an ocean.

Forget all about me.

Pretend that I do not exist and I never did.

Just a fleeting thought.

A figment of an ignored imagination.

Lying on a bed of nails and thorns.

But I feel nothing.

I am bleeding out my life.

Soon to be completely empty.

My days are all the same.

One just melds into another.

I never pay no notice.

It's all the same to me.

A living hell I am dying.

Another moment passes.

I well remember all my afflictions and harms.

I am helpless to do anything.

I do not give a damn anyway.

And who cares anyway?

I am waiting for my life to begin.

I have been living dead for far too long.

Here I lie, unable to move.

I cannot breathe.

I cannot think, for I am afraid to.

Just like I am afraid to live, and even more so, I am afraid to even try to.

Just like the boy Icarus, my wings of wax melted.

I plunged so far down.

I crashed and crashed hard.

With no survivors.

These days do not show any favour to me.

I am filled with disdain.

My world is scorched.

My life has been razed.

Set to flame by all my memories.

The ones who will let not go of me, the ones I cannot let go of either.

Just another burden for me to struggle and fail to bear.

Still on my hands and knees.

Mired in blood soaked mud.

I realize I am just not ready to live.

I am just not ready for myself.

The tide is rising too quickly for me.

I am overwhelmed.

I am weary.

I am angry.

Who put me here after all?

Who left me here?

Who deserted me?

I was left for dead out in the bitter cold.

Can anyone tell me who I am.

I just do not know, as I ever have.

I am not hopeless for I have never had any.

I am not helpless for I have never received any.

You cannot miss what you never had in the first place.

Where is the last place?

That's where I want to go.

I have wasted all my options, they were none.

All I have now is one last resort.

Standing on the edge, I think to myself, six feet doesn't seem that far down.

Oh, the gall of it all.

Oh, the folly of the fool.

I am the fool.

As the dog returns to his vomit, so too I return to my infirmities.

I carry all my afflictions.

They have all permeated all of my very being.

I am saturated.

I continue to hemorrhage internally within my soul.

I am drowning in the crimson ocean of my own tears.

Oh God, please save me?

God, can You save me?

God, will You save me?

Where are You?

Where am I?

Is this my end?

It might as well be.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

LOOK INSIDE MY HEAD

Can you see me,

Or do you see what is not me?

Can you hear me,

Or do you only hear what you want to hear?

Can you love me,

Or do you just pretend?

Is your smile false,

As you cross your fingers behind your back?

Do you know me,

Or do you just presume to?

When I come undone do you judge me?

Do I make you frustrated with my behaviour?

Do you look down on me,

Or do you pretend that you do not?

Would you rather forget that existed,

Hoping that I would just go away?

Can you see inside my head?

Can you see all my hurt and pain?

I have been damaged from all the harms I now harbour.

My mind is fragmented.

My mind is ill.

Can you see this,

Or do you just turn your head away?

I invite you to try and see inside my head.

Will you ever acknowledge me?

Will you ever accept me,

As I am, such as I am?

Do you know me,

Are you arrogant enough to say yes?

You don't see my tears.

I catch them all,

Keeping them hidden.

I cannot take the ridicule,

The rejection, and the hate.

Can you see me trying to hide myself,

Do you even care?

I just want to live,

But this life of mine is slowly killing me.

If you could only see,

Look inside my head.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

YOU ARE EVERYTHING TO ME

I don't know why You love me.

I just know that You do.

And that's enough for me.

I am never really alone.

For You are always here with me.

In the good and in the bad.

When all have deserted me,

You alone remain.

When the bitter tears fall,

You are here to wipe them all away.

You hold me till the pain passes.

When I feel empty and hollow,

You give me Your unfailing and unconditional love.

When I come undone,

You hold me together.

When my strength fails me,

You are the One who holds me upright.

When I brood,

You reassure me.

When I doubt,

Again, You reassure me.

What more is there?

I cannot ask for anything more.

Oh Lord,

You are everything to me.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

FORSAKEN

I have been knocked down.

I have been pushed down.

I have been hit.

I have been beaten.

I cried as I was laughed at.

I could not get away from it all.

I could not even crawl away.

It seemed no one would let me.

I could not keep to myself.

Wanting just to be left alone.

As I felt...alone.

I always cried out, "Oh God, why, why must I endure all this?"

Because I just do not see the reason for it all.

I am angry!

I never asked for any of this.

I don't want any of this.

It's just too much.

My mind just cannot comprehend.

Oh God, my God, where are You in all this?

Because I have reached my end.

I cannot take any more.

God, can You save me?

Will You...save me?

This living hell is slowly killing me.

My heart is shattered.

My soul is in tatters.

My mind is fractured.

Do You see me down here?

I know I am just one drop of water in an ocean.

But, do I not matter to You any more?

I am overwhelmed.

I am feeling chaotic.

I feel as though I am living an anarchy.

I just want to lay to rest.

Please, let me rest.

Oh, to know peace of mind.

Oh, to know peace of heart and soul.

What is freedom?

Where is love?

God, where are You?

I don't even know where I am.

I don't know who I am any more.

I feel I am tormented and tortured endlessly.

Is this my measure?

Is this my lot?

You have forsaken me.

God, are You there?

God, can You hear me?

I can feel their leers.

I can feel their jeers.

As I take another hit.

And down I go again.

I keep getting back up.

But my strength wanes.

I am racked with pain.

All my harms are choking me.

Squeezing slowly.

God, if You're there, please come and save me.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I GIVE MYSELF UP

The days grow short.

The nights become endless.

The light shrinks.

The dark grows.

More and more I become weary.

More and more I feel that I cannot go on.

There is chaos within me.

Clarity weakens.

I know only confusion.

If I could just close my eyes and make it all go away.

Fear grips me like an iron vice.

The more I struggle the more it tightens.

I can feel the life being squeezed from me.

My bones, they snap like kindling.

I can hear the laughter all around me.

As I scream in agony.

But no one hears.

I am the tree in the forest that falls.

As I build walls around me.

Just six walls, no door, no window.

I live in an absence of light.

I live in total absence.

Someone please hear me.

Someone please rescue me.

Heal me of my affirmaties.

Heal me of my afflictions.

This silence is slowly killing me.

I am isolated.

Deep down a dark and dank hole.

I keep my eyes closed.

For one darkness for another.

A cast away.

 A prisoner of self.

Who's going to save me?

Save me from myself.

God, are You there?

Please hear me.

Where all else ignores me.

There is a hole where my heart should be.

Please kill the evil angel wrapped around me.

You are my only hope.

You are all that I know.

All that I have.

Without You I am nothing.

I will and have become nothing.

I cannot retreat.

For I have been running for my whole life.

I cannot any more.

I cannot surrender.

For I have and am nothing to give up.

God please.

I trust You.

I am holding on.

But just barely.

Down on my hands ad knees.

Head held down.

Sweat dripping from my brow like blood from an open wound.

I breathe shallow.

As I drop to the ground face down.

God please come.

Lift me up and take me away.

I don't want to die.

Not like this.

I'm not ready to die.

Not just yet.

Please give me refuge.

Shelter me from the deluge.

Be my strength.

I am crying out to You.

God please.

Don't let me down.

I give up.

I give myself up to You.

I am Yours.

I belong to You.

For You have heard me.

You have saved me.

You came for me.

When everyone gave up on me.

Even myself.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY