MY WANDERLUST

I have fallen again.
As I always do.
For I am weak.
I lack the conviction.
Always trying to do it all on my own.
I try to live by my own terms.
I loose sight of myself.
I loose sight of who I am meant to be.
I constantly fight with who I am and who I want to be.
Losing miserably every time.
Left alone in a heap on bloodstained dirt.
I am such a mess.
I am a wretch.
I don't know why I walked away.
From all that was given to me.
My wanderlust got the better of me.
But I followed willingly.
My wonder always betrays me.
My feelings always lie to me.
I am always believing those lies.
God please, I just want to come back home.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I admit my shortcomings.
I admit my selfishness.
I do not want to be the prodigal any more.
Please, if I could just come home.
Who I am is dying.
In fact, I am almost dead.
There's been too much time of living dead.
I have grown weary.
I have become faint.
I have nothing left of me any more.
I am less than nothing.
I am crying out to You.
Please. please come for me.
Come close and pick me up, carrying me back home.
Please come and rescue me from myself.
My own worst enemy.
Teach me to love again.
Teach me to live again.
Please, would You show me who I really am.
Because who I think I am is just not working out.
All the pain, suffering and despair are all tearing me apart.
Piece by piece by piece.
Lord, here are all my burdens.
I can no longer carry them.
I am just too afraid.
Will You please set me free from all of this?
I am begging You.
Somehow I know, I know You will, You have.
I trust You.
My hope is in You.
I can now rest assured.
Please, will You give me rest?
I am holding on for You.
I am holding out for You.
You have already come and taken me.
I am taken by love.
All my fear is gone.
I am seeing for the first time again.
Your love strengthens me.
I can run, I can walk.
I can mount up on wings of an eagle.
For You are the air beneath me.
You are holding me.
In the very hands that hold the whole world.
I am not dying today.
I am just not ready to.
I come to You in pieces.
For I know You will make me whole.
Wrapped in Your arms I am home.
I never really left.
After everything.
Down on my scarred knees.
I realize I am already home.
You are my home.
You are the One who made me me.
With You is where I want to be.
For without You there is and I am nothing.
Your love gives me identity.
Your love gives me refuge.
Your love gives me shelter from the relentless storms.
I find comfort and soothing in the Strong Tower that is You.
Oh Lord please, just hold me and tell me all is going to be ok.
I believe You, I believe in You.
When I found You is when I found myself.
With this ending I am beginning.
I sojourn no more.
I am already home.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY