HARD FALL

I fall.
Hard, I fall.
I am hitting the walls of stone on my way
   down.
And when I hit rock bottom I smash right
   through it.
There is no end to this for me.
My throat is dry and bleeding from my
   cries turned to screams.
There is no air to slow me.
I fall faster and faster.
I reached terminal velocity a long while
   ago.
I fall faster still.
I begin to burn and break up.
I become a fireball.
But I do not bring any light.
The friction increases.
The further I continue to fall.
Into a bottomless abyss I roar.
There will be no collision.
No need to brace.
The flesh begins to rip from my burning
   body.
My mind cracks and crumbles.
The dust flying away in flames.
The darkness begins to pull me down
   faster and harder.
Fear is off the dial.
As further and deeper I continue to go.
There goes my hope.
As my heart and soul break away.
I wish this were a dream or even a
   nightmare.
I just cannot comprehend.
I cannot even fathom.
All systems begin to shut down.
As the pressure pushes down on me
   harder.
Vital signs are faint.
I close my eyes to it all.
I become so cold.
Turning into a burning ball of ice.
I go limp.
I would rather cease than to endure this.
And there is no way of enduring this.
I disappear.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HARD TIMES, HARD LIFE, AND HOPE

There is no secret to life.
At least none that was told to me.
Easy, life is not.
This I know all too well.
But why does it have to be so damn hard?
So many do not make it through.
Who is to blame?
Is there anyone to blame?
Why do so many never find what this life is for?
What is their life for?
What is my life for?
So many questions.
No answers.
It is so frustrating.
It is so angering.
The heart of man beats with rage.
It's no wonder.
When everything falls apart.
No matter how hard you fight to hold it
   together.
I cannot keep from coming undone.
All the frayed strings just snapped.
There I knelt, all undone.
On bloodied knees.
All scarred.
Still raw.
Look out the sky is falling again!
Oh no, not again!
How much more can any one man take?
When the deluge is never ending.
So many are so weary.
Nothing is sound.
Everything is broken.
The air is poison.
Choking.
Suffocating.
Like a hand around around my throat.
Squeezing slow.
Life is a battlefield.
The world is a minefield.
Where is the love?
Love is in tatters.
The white flag is stained crimson.
So it all goes on.
It all goes on again and again.
With no end in sight.
Not even a let up.
A cease fire is a thing of a child's
   imagination.
Even he knows it's all so hopeless.
What was beautiful is now scorched.
Memories all bleed red.
I cannot accept any of this.
There has to be something more to this
   life.
Something worth fighting for.
Something worth living for.
Something worth believing in.
Jesus, are You still there?
We all are looking for You.
We all are waiting for You.
Please come and save Your brothers and
   sisters.
We have a need only You can meet.
Please save us from ourselves.
There isn't a moment to lose.
Everything is pulled so taught.
Everything is pulled so thin.
See it all fray more and more.
It's close to separating again.
Maybe this time beyond all repair.
I am having trouble trusting any more.
All I have known is betrayal and lies.
Please do not let me down too.
I cannot take it any more.
Once is too many times.
And it has been way more than just once.
I have nothing left.
I am going down.
I will not be able to get back up.
Not this time.
I just have not the strength left.
I am on empty.
I am on fumes.
But I am still holding on.
I am holding out.
Beyond all hopes.
A small measure of hope is all I have left.
And as long as I have that small measure
   of hope.
I will not give up.
I will not give in.
I am holding onto that hope.
Please don't let me down.
This is it, I'm all in.
All or nothing.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

REBORN

Tears fall.
I come undone.
All to pieces.
Scattered.
I weep, I mourn.
I tear at my flesh.
I scream.
I anger.
I rage.
I fall.
I crack.
I crumble.
Still You remain.
Ever faithful are You.
Even though I am not.
You love me.
Even when I do not, You.
You believe in me.
Even when I do not, You.
This is the end of me.
Grace has saved me.
I am reborn.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

GOD, ARE YOU THERE? (THE START OF LIFE FOR ME)

My heart is sinking.
Lungs are filling with water.
Bleeding out through the gash in my soul.
I am going under.
Deeper and deeper.
I swallow everything that is covering me.
Everything that is pulling and pushing me
   down.
My hands are tied behind my back.
Weights are tied to my ankles.
A noose is tightened around my neck.
My eyes have been sewn shut.
And concrete poured into my ears.
It's no wonder that I feel as I do.
Everything is hopeless.
Despair has taken over me.
There is nowhere for me to go other than
   down.
And I am sinking.
Another fathom after another fathom.
Am I lost?
Hey, there's a man overboard!
Has anyone noticed?
Does anyone care?
Is there any rescue coming?
Or will I disappear into the cold, dark
   depths.
All this is killing me.
Hey, can anyone hear me?
As I choke down some more.
And sink deeper still.
God, are You there?
I am alone, dying here.
No one here seems to care.
God, are You there?
I'm not ready to die.
I do not want to die.
No, not just yet!
Can You come and save me?
No one here certainly is not going to save
   me.
You are the one I am trusting.
You are all that is left here with me.
Everyone else has deserted me.
Left me to die.
Your light continued to shine down to me.
Giving me hope.
You broke all my bindings.
You breathed life back into me.
Lifted me up out of the depths.
Brought me back out of the darkness.
Gave me the strength I needed.
Now I stand on my own two feet.
No thanks to the world.
I owe nothing to you.
But I am angry.
I am coming for you.
I will be your last regret.
I will be your biggest regret.
There is power in me.
Electricity courses through me.
I will lash out at you.
I will set you aflame.
I will watch you burn.
I will watch as you become ash.
I will kick you into the wind.
I will turn and walk away.
I will leave you behind.
Never giving you a second thought.
I will live.
I will live my life.
I am alive!
Given life by the One who gives life.
Life eternal.
Not by my merit or any choice of mine.
You alone, my Lord, saved me by Your
   grace.
You chose me.
Your love did not fail me.
Your love was, as always, right on time!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

CRITERION AND CRTICISM

Your view is distorted.

You are watching my life.

Watching as I try to live as best I can.

Looking down on me as I endlessly toil.

In your eyes I always fail.

Because I am not just like you.

I do not want to be just like you.

I can never be.

I am having enough trouble being just me.

And why do you keep trying to be me?

Trying to get me to be you.

You are quite certain that you are right.

I am wrong.

Your life is your life.

My life is my life.

You will not let me tell you how to live your life.

Then stop telling me how to live mine.

I have grown so weary of your judgments over me.

I will never be able to measure up to your expectations.

I barely meet mine.

That is all I can handle.

All that I can do.

I will forget about you.

I expect you will forget about me and my life.

Go on, move on with yours.

I will move on with mine.

You go your path.

I will go mine.

If ever we meet again, it will be too soon.

I don't need your negativity.

This is good-bye.

Fare thee well.

This is the end of it all.

I'll not miss you at all.

I have not the time to maintain any thoughts of you.

I will focus.

I will stray no more.

The end.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE LEGACY THE WORLD WAS BLIND TO

DEDICATED TO A MAN THAT THE WORLD DID NOT KNOW WAS ALIVE.

(08/06/1940-27/10/2008)

HE WAS ALIVE.

HE DID LIVE.

JUST BECAUSE HE WAS NOT KNOWN FOR ANYTHING DOES NOT MEAN HE DID NOTHING OR DID NOT ACCOMPLISH ANYTHING.

HE WAS AND STILL IS MY FATHER.

HE LOVED ME WITH A LOVE INDESCRIBABLE.

AND I LOVED HIM.

I NEVER TOLD HIM THAT.

THIS IS TO LET THE WORLD KNOW HE DID INDEED EXIST!

HE LEFT A MARK ON THIS WORLD.

HE CHANGED THIS WORLD.

HE MADE HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

HE WAS AND IS MY FATHER.

JOHN DAVID BUCKLEY.

Sixty-eight years.

Quietly.

No good-bye.

Peacefully, falling asleep.

Waking up in eternity.

All the missed opportunities.

Separated.

Estranged.

He did the best anyone could.

He carried his own burden through his life.

He carried my burden,

He carried my sister's burden,

He carried my brother's burden,

He carried his beloved's burden.

And did so without a whimper or complaint.

Even when down on his knee.

He always found the strength to get back up.

The strength to carry on.

It was God in him.

The same God I saw, in him.

He taught us to love God.

He taught us who God was.

And introduced us to Jesus.

In spirit he was there the night Jesus became my Saviour.

My father saved my life.

Without his humble and quiet means I would not be here.

I remember holding his hand.

I remember the fun we had.

I remember watching our beloved Maple Leafs.

Together.

He always laughed.

I always laugh.

But one day, to us both, that laughter ceased.

And the world took us far away from each other.

But somehow we found our way back to each other.

HEY WORLD!!!

THIS IS MY DAD,

JOHN DAVID BUCKLEY!

YOU NEVER  KNEW HIM.

NOW YOU DO!

The world is worse off for his passing.

He lived, I live.

I carry his flame in my heart and soul.

This is his legacy.

That he loved and was loved.

IS loved!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I SAW A MAN DIE TODAY

I saw a man die today.

I saw him step to the edge.

Then I saw him step off.

I watched him fall.

A life came to a violent end.

In an instant.

A world was destroyed.

And there would be repercussions.

I felt the concussion like a bullet through the heart.

And I remember all those times I want to die.

And those times I tried.

But I am still here.

I am still alive.

But, why not him?

How can someone just lose all hope like that?

I am broken inside.

My mind, in fragments.

Fractured are my heart and soul.

I know the suffering.

I know the agony.

It is beyond all description.

I think to myself,

Would have I stepped off the edge?

I've heard it said that suicide is a coward's way out.

I questions that most strongly.

A coward is someone who never realizes the need.

The need within us all.

 He just will not admit that there even is a need.

A coward is someone who calls someone else a coward.

A coward is someone who sees the pain in someone's eyes.

And just keeps on as though nothing were wrong.

No, giving up on one's own life is not an act of cowardice.

It is the one who saw that need that went unmet.

And did nothing to meet it.

I saw a man die today.

And it fills me with grief.

My heart is wretched with sorrow.

Oh the pain!

Oh the hurt!

Oh the harm!

Where is the love?

Can you tell me, coward?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

DEDICATED TO ALL THOSE LOST SOULS, LOST NEEDLESSLY. ONCE AGAIN TO THE TRUE KILLER, SILENCE. AND MUCH WORSE THE SILENCE OF A COWARD, WHO SAW THE NEED AND LET IT GO UNANSWERED.

WHAT I PUT MYSELF THROUGH

Life is hard enough.

Without my feelings lying to me.

But they do.

It is so hard to discern.

Whether I am lying to myself or not.

I can be so blind to myself.

I just do not want to admit.

That I am believing my own lies.
Betraying myself all the while.
I have let myself down so many times.
And I pull all the blame down upon myself.
Sitting in judgement.
Condemning myself.
Putting myself into a prison cell of my own making.
Six walls, no window, no door.
It would have been better that I had never existed.
I abhor myself.
This is not how I want to be.
This is not who I am.
But here I am.
Drowning in self-loathing.
I stood on the edge.
Over I went.
Down, down, down...
I know it does not have to be this way.
But I have never known any other way.
It's all I have ever known.
Anger always leads to suffering.
Suffer I do.
I find it hard to keep my hope.
When life is this hard for me.
I do not care.
I feel so alone.
I claw at my head.
Eyes shut tight.
Teeth clenched.
There is ripping.
There is tearing.
Of my soul.
There is shattering.
There is grinding into dust.
Of my heart.
Here I am.
As I always am.
Crying.
Silently crying.
Slowly, silently.
Dying.
Dead is how I feel.
Dead is my life.
So much has been taken from me.
I have given so much away.
Oh God!
Here I am.
Where are you?
You said you would never forsake me.
Forsaken is how I feel now.
I am feeling I am lying to myself again.
Listening to the hollow, empty words that my feelings say.
No wonder I feel hollow and empty.
Oh God!
Please come where I am.
I am crying out to You.
Please save me from myself.
I cannot take this any more.
I cannot live with myself any more.
Please take me.
I do not want to die here.
Not here.
Not like this.
Such as I am.
I do not even know where I am.
Please bring down the walls of this prison cell.
Please lift me up.
Carry me away from here.
Take me away from myself.
Show me the truth.
Cease all the lies.
Cease all the anger.
Cease all the hate.
Show me what I have never known.
What I have never let myself see.
Grace and love.
I am trying to believe.
I want to believe.
I believe.
I realize my need.
Grace and love.
Only Your grace can bring me to freedom and truth.
That which You are.
Oh God!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ALL THAT I HAVE

Night comes down.

Shadows fall.

All senses fail.

I am all alone here.

Naked and afraid.

With nowhere to turn.

Nowhere to find refuge.

On the run.

Nowhere to hide.

I feel eyes watching me.

I feel hot breath breathing down my neck.

I am growing weary.

I am only losing ground.

All else has failed.

My scars are bleeding.

I hit rock bottom.

I just break right through.

I keep falling.

No looking up.

No looking forward.

No silver linings for me.

I do not even know what that means!

I think I feel hopeless.

So, this is what it is like.

To feel nothing.

To feel like nothing.

I do not like this!

I do not want to accept this!

I will NOT accept this!

Just because I am weak does not mean that I am not strong.

I still have fight in me.

I do not believe in hopelessness.

I will not have any hopelessness.

There is always hope.

Hope always rises.

When all else fails.

Hope does not.

I will hold onto hope with all I am.

It's not much, I know, but it's all I have.

I know hope will never let me down.

Not now!

Not ever!

Hope is believing no matter what comes down.

Hope is faith that is unshakable.

Hope is that strength in weakness.

When I bleed hope is the healing.

In the midst of chaos hope is what comforts me.

When I feel like I do now, wanting to just give up.

Hope whispers, "Give it one more try."

And so I rise.

And so I stand.

And so I resolve.

And so I determine.

With hope in my heart.

I push forward.

I press forward.

I pick up, I carry on.

I walk on, I trudge on.

Hope has me focused.

Hope has ignited a fire in my heart and soul.

I am breathing.

I am alive.

I cannot be consumed.

I will consume.

I will not be overcome.

I will overcome.

Dawn has risen.

Light chases all the shadows away.

Hope makes sense of everything.

Hope leads to refuge.

Hope leads me back home.

Safe and sound in the arms of love.

In the very hands that hold the whole world.

I am no longer afraid.

I fear no evil.

For love is with me.

If not for hope.

There would be no love for me.

I'd still be lost in despair.

Loneliness would be my only companion.

Without hope I would not be.

Hope is everything to me.

Before and after everything, hope is all that I have.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

FROM DARKNESS

I have lived in darkness.

I have walked that lonely path.

I stumble and fall.

It puts me down on my knees.

Being down I can only look up.

With shaking hands I reach out.

With a hoarse voice I call out.

I do not want to be where I am.

I do not like what I am.

I do not like who I am.

I am feeble.

I am wretched.

I can take it no longer.

I never could.

I just pretended that I could.

I lied to myself.

I was strong and courageous.

Meanwhile all the while.

I was falling to pieces.

I was being buried.

My life had become my grave.

Finally I cried, "NO!!!"

"NOT ANY MORE!!!"

God where are You?

Here I am.

Please come to me.

Take me away.

Soothe and comfort me.

My life is dead.

I am wounded and bleeding.

I am empty.

Everything drained through the hole in me.

God please.

Take me.

Give me breath.

I want to live.

I do not want to die.

Living here, where I am, will surely kill me.

Eventually.

Or maybe it already has.

Bring me back to life.

Bring me to life again for the first time.

I still have a small measure of hope.

But it is almost drained.

As am I.

I am forsaken.

I am deserted.

Left behind.

Left for dead.

Here I lay.

Please come to me.

Please come for me.

Take me up.

Take me away from myself.

Put me to death.

Once and for all.

Bring me back to life.

Once and for all.

Do not ever let me go.

Do not ever let go of me.

I think I am ready.

I want to walk on my own.

Just not left to my own.

I will always be holding onto Your hand.

I will always fall if I do not.

I am looking to You.

No longer for You.

I am alive.

I live in the light.

I am alive because You loved me.

I am alive because of Your grace.

I did nothing.

I said nothing.

I did not stand on my own merit.

You alone saw me.

You alone saw my need.

Even before I did.

You were always right where I was.

Even when I could not see or feel.

You poured out Your love all over me.

All over me just like water.

I still feel as I always have.

But I now realize those feelings lie.

I do not want to be a lie any more.

I do not want to live a lie any more.

I have come to hate that hollow feeling.

All the despair.

All the fear and loneliness.

Your love has come.

And all of that was cast off or ran off.

Here is my heart.

I give it to You.

Hold onto my heart.

I am trusting You.

Please keep it.

Please keep me.

Apart from You nothing is sound.

I am just ruins.

I am just dirt.

I am just dust.

Of everything that I could have and do have.

I just want You.

I just need You.

I give myself to You.

I am Yours.

As I always have.

So, I will go on.

I will keep on.

I will press on.

I will carry on.

I will sojourn here no more.

In my weakness and suffering I am strong.

For Your power is upon me.

I will fear not.

For You are with me.

Here I go.

Please do not let go.

As I go.

Your love goes.

Your grace goes.

I will never walk alone in darkness ever again.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

CEASE

It is hard to look up.

When you are always down.

I cannot even get back up.

With this dark cloud hanging over me.

How am I supposed to believe?

When I question reality.

Standing on high.

Looking down below.

I have to wonder.

When nothing makes any sense.

I look to see.

With the grey all around me.

I just want to block everything out.

Everything is bombarding me.

Where do I go?

When there is nowhere to go.

What do I say?

When there is no one to listen.

How do I continue?

When I haven't the will.

Close my eyes.

Maybe everything will just cease.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

SILENT FALL

A silent fall.

A hard fall.

Terminal velocity.

A silent hit.

A hard hit.

Crash and burn.

A wreckage.

Carnage.

One soul.

Ripped and torn.

Vital signs faint.

A slow bleeding.

A slow burn.
To succumb.
Inevitable.
Fading.
Grey covering.
Into black.
Dead beacon.
Dead hope.
Overcome.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY