Life is hard enough.
Without my feelings lying to me.
But they do.
It is so hard to discern.
Whether I am lying to myself or not.
I can be so blind to myself.
I just do not want to admit.
That I am believing my own lies.
Betraying myself all the while.
I have let myself down so many times.
And I pull all the blame down upon myself.
Sitting in judgement.
Condemning myself.
Putting myself into a prison cell of my own making.
Six walls, no window, no door.
It would have been better that I had never existed.
I abhor myself.
This is not how I want to be.
This is not who I am.
But here I am.
Drowning in self-loathing.
I stood on the edge.
Over I went.
Down, down, down...
I know it does not have to be this way.
But I have never known any other way.
It's all I have ever known.
Anger always leads to suffering.
Suffer I do.
I find it hard to keep my hope.
When life is this hard for me.
I do not care.
I feel so alone.
I claw at my head.
Eyes shut tight.
Teeth clenched.
There is ripping.
There is tearing.
Of my soul.
There is shattering.
There is grinding into dust.
Of my heart.
Here I am.
As I always am.
Crying.
Silently crying.
Slowly, silently.
Dying.
Dead is how I feel.
Dead is my life.
So much has been taken from me.
I have given so much away.
Oh God!
Here I am.
Where are you?
You said you would never forsake me.
Forsaken is how I feel now.
I am feeling I am lying to myself again.
Listening to the hollow, empty words that my feelings say.
No wonder I feel hollow and empty.
Oh God!
Please come where I am.
I am crying out to You.
Please save me from myself.
I cannot take this any more.
I cannot live with myself any more.
Please take me.
I do not want to die here.
Not here.
Not like this.
Such as I am.
I do not even know where I am.
Please bring down the walls of this prison cell.
Please lift me up.
Carry me away from here.
Take me away from myself.
Show me the truth.
Cease all the lies.
Cease all the anger.
Cease all the hate.
Show me what I have never known.
What I have never let myself see.
Grace and love.
I am trying to believe.
I want to believe.
I believe.
I realize my need.
Grace and love.
Only Your grace can bring me to freedom and truth.
That which You are.
Oh God!
Betraying myself all the while.
I have let myself down so many times.
And I pull all the blame down upon myself.
Sitting in judgement.
Condemning myself.
Putting myself into a prison cell of my own making.
Six walls, no window, no door.
It would have been better that I had never existed.
I abhor myself.
This is not how I want to be.
This is not who I am.
But here I am.
Drowning in self-loathing.
I stood on the edge.
Over I went.
Down, down, down...
I know it does not have to be this way.
But I have never known any other way.
It's all I have ever known.
Anger always leads to suffering.
Suffer I do.
I find it hard to keep my hope.
When life is this hard for me.
I do not care.
I feel so alone.
I claw at my head.
Eyes shut tight.
Teeth clenched.
There is ripping.
There is tearing.
Of my soul.
There is shattering.
There is grinding into dust.
Of my heart.
Here I am.
As I always am.
Crying.
Silently crying.
Slowly, silently.
Dying.
Dead is how I feel.
Dead is my life.
So much has been taken from me.
I have given so much away.
Oh God!
Here I am.
Where are you?
You said you would never forsake me.
Forsaken is how I feel now.
I am feeling I am lying to myself again.
Listening to the hollow, empty words that my feelings say.
No wonder I feel hollow and empty.
Oh God!
Please come where I am.
I am crying out to You.
Please save me from myself.
I cannot take this any more.
I cannot live with myself any more.
Please take me.
I do not want to die here.
Not here.
Not like this.
Such as I am.
I do not even know where I am.
Please bring down the walls of this prison cell.
Please lift me up.
Carry me away from here.
Take me away from myself.
Show me the truth.
Cease all the lies.
Cease all the anger.
Cease all the hate.
Show me what I have never known.
What I have never let myself see.
Grace and love.
I am trying to believe.
I want to believe.
I believe.
I realize my need.
Grace and love.
Only Your grace can bring me to freedom and truth.
That which You are.
Oh God!
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY
You appear to do what I do when I am down (which is just about every single day) You write. Writing is supposed to be therapeutic for us. I am Stephanie, I am 43 and married to a very understanding man. I am a rapid-cycling Bipolar/Schizophrenic (NOT the bad kind, The schizophrenia that comes with untreated Bipolar. They say I also have GAD and PTSD. I recently lost my insurance and most definitely cannot afford my main script which is over $600 for one months worth. So needless to say, I have been untreated for two weeks now. I put on a good happy face, but on the inside, I am either dying or dead. Either way, I am completely numb. You say you are your worst enemy. I understand that 1000% because I too, have been battling my inner demons for decades all by myself. Only recently was I explained to was that I didn't have actual demons in me, but my demons were actually me. Demons, myself... either way, a person can only fight for so long before they get exhausted and give up. I think I am to that point because I have been going to extra measures to clean our home spotless.. I have been putting together videos of my three daughters (who are grown) telling them good bye. Kinda scary...
ReplyDeleteStephanie, I can truly emphasize with all that you have written. So much of it is all too familiar. All I can say in reply is that you are stronger than you think, than you feel. You are stronger than yourself even. I'm not going to say everything's going to be okay, for it rarely ever is.
ReplyDeleteI suggest that you turn to Jesus, open your mind and heart to Him. It was Him and His grace and unfailing love that has kept me safe and sound, no matter what was happening with, and/or, in me.
Anyway, find some help, in any form you can, before it's too late. Trust not in your feelings and emotions. They are actually what is your worst enemy. You have to act now! Get help now!
Any way, any how!
Stay strong and keep well.
Thoughts and prayers for you.