AT MY END I HOPE FOR A BEGINNING

I am angry and enraged.

I'm full of hate.

Just look at what I have become.

You did this to me.

Ripped out my heart and tore my soul to shreds.

There is nothing left of me.

And now you're laughing at me.

The fire is burning hot within me.

I will see you burn.

I don't know who I am,

or even what I am.

I feel like a monster.

Hideous and wretched.

I am feared,

I am fear.

I do not understand.

Just what is going on?

What have you done to me?

You are the devil in me.

You are the Hell that burns me with a cold flame.

As I wipe away another tear.

You've made me a victim,

something I swore I would never be.

It happened anyway.

And I loathe myself for it.

Just as you wanted.

You murdered the man I once was.

Now you are getting away with it all.

There is nothing I can do.

You have put the blood on my own hands.

In my mind a fissure forms.

Swallowing me alive.

There's no help for me.

No one will come to rescue me.

No one even cares.

Take what you have and leave me be.

It's a crime that you did this to me.

It's a crime that I let you.

I wish I could forget it all.

Close my eyes and convince myself none of this ever happened.

But the truth finds me every time.

My emotions gave me away again.

Just as Judas kissed.

But I'll be the one hanging from the end of a rope.

Where has my hope gone?

How could this happen to me?

I thought I was stronger than this.

Idiot!

What a fool I am.

I can still hear your caustic laughter.

I can still taste the poison on my lips.

I can feel it course through my veins.

I am dying.

I will soon succumb to the darkness.

Why?!

How could I have not seen the rising of the tide?

Was I blind sided?

Was I enticed?

Was I seduced?

Oh, I know not.

With the very last ounce of strength left I cry out.

My voice but a scratch as sandpaper.

Not even as much as a whisper.

"God please save me."

I'm at the end of my own rope.

I have nothing to give any more.

I am nothing now.

I'm looking to You.

I lie here completely helpless as a newborn.

Will You take away all of this?

Create me again for the first time.

Put a heart back in me.

And sew up my soul.

Can You wash away the bloodstains?

Can You wash away all the dirt and grime that I am covered with?

Can You heal my wounds?

Please, oh, please.

Breathe life back into this poor wretch of a man.

Make me sound.

I ask of You God,

because I believe You can make me whole again.

What's left of my faith I put on You,

I'm all in now.

I know I am worthless,

but it's all I have.

May it be enough.

God please, I put my mind, heart, soul and body into Your hands.

If Your hands can hold the whole world,

I am hoping You can hold me as well.

Can You take all that I've been,

all that I am?

Wipe my eyes dry.

End the hurt and pain.

I can take no more.

I am hemorrhaging,

I am bleeding out.

This is the end for me.

God will You give me a new beginning?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY