ALONE WITH ME

I am me.

I am within me.

Yet, I do not know where I am.

I can speak.

I yell, I scream.

Yet, I cannot hear myself.

I feel what I feel.

Anger, hate and suffering.

Yet, I have become numb.

I look through my eyes.

I see all that occurs around and in me.

Yet, I cannot save myself.

I have hope.

I have faith.

Yet, my will fails me.

I continue every day.

I remain the same.

The realization I know all too well remains.

I am alive, but I do not live.

This is not where I belong.

Yet, here I am.

This is not who I am.

But it is, who I am.

Right here, right now.

I am struggling.

I am failing, miserably.

Why?

I do not know why.

This is my lot.

This is my measure.

Here I am, all alone with just me.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE WORDS OF A SHIVERING SOUL

I feel so cold.

I am frozen within.

Long have the shadows grown.

Darkness has fallen upon me.

I am lost deep inside myself.

I am afraid.

Silence has gripped me tight.

I am suffocating.

My tears are icicles in the corners of my eyes.

They burn, they burn, they burn.

I am alive, I am dead.

I am forsaken.

My pain is tormenting me.

Every waking moment I am tortured.

I am bleeding internally.

There is little to no hope for me.

What hope there is is helpless.

I am nothing and nowhere.

What I was I am again.

And I don't care.

I am too far gone.

I am falling, continually falling.

There is no rock bottom that I can see.

Tell me, where do I go from here?

What am I supposed to do?

God, where are You?
We seem to have been separated.
This isn't what I want, or what I asked for.

I am self deprecating.
I loathe all that I can see in me.
Oh God, take this broken body and grind my bones into dust,
then cast it all into the wind.
And so, here I am.
Alone, all alone.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

SUICIDE NOTE

There is nothing for me.

Not then, not now, not to come.

All hope has drained away.

I am just so very tired.

Living has become a struggle.

A battle just to believe.

What is happiness, but a lie?

I am down trodden.

Fear has consumed all that I am.

It is the rising tide.

The thing that is pulling me down and away.

The silence is deafening.

Left alone to drown within myself.

What is compassion?

I just do not care.

Let go, I will walk away.

Love?!

Another lie that I will not believe in any more.

I am broken.

I am damaged beyond repair.

I cannot be fixed.

I don't really want to be.

It is of no consequence any way.

I will let the darkness take me now.

I will give in.

I will walk into the bitter cold.

The night that awaits me.

I will take what is mine no more.

Death is its own reward.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

AT MY END I HOPE FOR A BEGINNING

I am angry and enraged.

I'm full of hate.

Just look at what I have become.

You did this to me.

Ripped out my heart and tore my soul to shreds.

There is nothing left of me.

And now you're laughing at me.

The fire is burning hot within me.

I will see you burn.

I don't know who I am,

or even what I am.

I feel like a monster.

Hideous and wretched.

I am feared,

I am fear.

I do not understand.

Just what is going on?

What have you done to me?

You are the devil in me.

You are the Hell that burns me with a cold flame.

As I wipe away another tear.

You've made me a victim,

something I swore I would never be.

It happened anyway.

And I loathe myself for it.

Just as you wanted.

You murdered the man I once was.

Now you are getting away with it all.

There is nothing I can do.

You have put the blood on my own hands.

In my mind a fissure forms.

Swallowing me alive.

There's no help for me.

No one will come to rescue me.

No one even cares.

Take what you have and leave me be.

It's a crime that you did this to me.

It's a crime that I let you.

I wish I could forget it all.

Close my eyes and convince myself none of this ever happened.

But the truth finds me every time.

My emotions gave me away again.

Just as Judas kissed.

But I'll be the one hanging from the end of a rope.

Where has my hope gone?

How could this happen to me?

I thought I was stronger than this.

Idiot!

What a fool I am.

I can still hear your caustic laughter.

I can still taste the poison on my lips.

I can feel it course through my veins.

I am dying.

I will soon succumb to the darkness.

Why?!

How could I have not seen the rising of the tide?

Was I blind sided?

Was I enticed?

Was I seduced?

Oh, I know not.

With the very last ounce of strength left I cry out.

My voice but a scratch as sandpaper.

Not even as much as a whisper.

"God please save me."

I'm at the end of my own rope.

I have nothing to give any more.

I am nothing now.

I'm looking to You.

I lie here completely helpless as a newborn.

Will You take away all of this?

Create me again for the first time.

Put a heart back in me.

And sew up my soul.

Can You wash away the bloodstains?

Can You wash away all the dirt and grime that I am covered with?

Can You heal my wounds?

Please, oh, please.

Breathe life back into this poor wretch of a man.

Make me sound.

I ask of You God,

because I believe You can make me whole again.

What's left of my faith I put on You,

I'm all in now.

I know I am worthless,

but it's all I have.

May it be enough.

God please, I put my mind, heart, soul and body into Your hands.

If Your hands can hold the whole world,

I am hoping You can hold me as well.

Can You take all that I've been,

all that I am?

Wipe my eyes dry.

End the hurt and pain.

I can take no more.

I am hemorrhaging,

I am bleeding out.

This is the end for me.

God will You give me a new beginning?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

RIGHT NOW

Right now I feel so weary.

I just want to close my eyes to life.

Letting it go its own way.

Right now I just don't care.

I'm all worn and weathered.

My heart and soul are cracked and bleeding.

My will has worn thin.

I feel so helpless.

Right now I feel myself fading away into nothingness.

This feels like my end.

As I am falling.

Just turn away and go your own way.

I don't need you here.

Everyone lies.

I don't want you here, right now.

Just let me go.

I'm so far down.

I can't even see the light of day any more.

But I welcome this darkness.

I welcome this cold.

Right now, it's how I feel.

And I don't care.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY