AT THE END (OF MY LIFE)

Just look at what I've become.
This isn't me.
I don't want to be this way.
I am ugly, I hear it all the time.
I come carrying heavy baggage.
I am being crushed.
Everything is pushing me down.
I cannot breathe.
I hate all of this.
Why should I have to take any of this?
What did I ever do to deserve any of it.
I live with so much hate.
Everyday a new wound or two or three 
  is cut into me.
My heart was ripped from me, 
 dropped to the ground and walked all over.
I am being stalked.
It's killing me.
Standing on the edge looking to go over it.
It would kill all the pain and all the hurt that
  all the harms done me.
I am bleeding.
I am drowning in my sorrow.
I have evil put on me every day.
I don't know how much more that I can take.
There's not much left that I can.
There's not much left of me.
My name is now the cold, dark.
Despair is who I am.
Loneliness my only companion.
I'm starting to crack and crumble apart.
My tears are caustic.
I have become toxic.
Poison to one and all.
I am shunned, I am ostracized.
I am an exile from my own life.
My life has been taken from me violently.
My mind is now fragmented.
My heart left in tatters.
My soul torn.
I don't know who I am any more.
I got lost somewhere 'long the way.
Maybe I died, because I already feel dead.
I am bruised, I am stained.
I have dried blood on my hands.
The blood is my own.
I tried to cut out the pain and hurt.
Why am I still here, I don't want to be.
I'm invisible anyway.
I might as well go.
No one will notice I bet.
Here I am down on my knees raw and bloodied.
Crying from another wounding.
I lay down wanting the fading of the grey 
  to the black.
I would be dead, nevermore, a never was.
I am in misery, maybe I will put myself
  out of my misery.
I know I won't be held back.
I will instead be encouraged to go over that edge.
Maybe even pushed.
My wings are broken, I would drop 
  like I weighed a tonne.
This is what I want.
I am already dead.
God, you died to me a long time ago.
You allowed the inflictions.
You never stopped any affliction.
You must hate me.
I've got no use for you.
You're just the same as anyone.
I am going to do it.
I have one last resort.
I will cut all the hurt and pain out of me.
I will cut away all the wounds and harms.
No one is going to stop me, here I go.
In the silence I already suffer in 
  will now swallow me.
Through the cracks in the floor I will go.
A number I will become, another statistic.
A grave unmarked, call me the unknown.
Let this life drain out of me.
I don't want to live it any more, it's dead and
  decaying.
I will close my eyes for the last time.
I feel the release coming.
As the warm crimson life flows from me.
I feel myself fading now.
I am here all alone.
As I lived all alone I will die all alone.
I just cannot do it any more.
I have had enough.
I just want to know one thing.
God, why did you let me go way past what I
  could endure no more.
Why did you say you would never let it happen?
You lied to me.
Now comes the end, I'm done, I'm gone 
  from this world which never knew I was alive.
I never had any chance.
What choice did I have left?
This was my last resort, one from which
  I will never return from.
Now I am entombed in the darkness
  that I lived with for all of my miserable life.
Abandoned by all, loved by none, forsaken.
I would have given anything just to be able to 
  live my life free of ridicule, torture
    and the torment.
Who now will cry for me?
Who now will miss me?
Who now will remember me for who I was?
Here now at the end of my life never lived.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(28/12/2012)