AT MY END I HOPE FOR A BEGINNING

I am angry and enraged.

I'm full of hate.

Just look at what I have become.

You did this to me.

Ripped out my heart and tore my soul to shreds.

There is nothing left of me.

And now you're laughing at me.

The fire is burning hot within me.

I will see you burn.

I don't know who I am,

or even what I am.

I feel like a monster.

Hideous and wretched.

I am feared,

I am fear.

I do not understand.

Just what is going on?

What have you done to me?

You are the devil in me.

You are the Hell that burns me with a cold flame.

As I wipe away another tear.

You've made me a victim,

something I swore I would never be.

It happened anyway.

And I loathe myself for it.

Just as you wanted.

You murdered the man I once was.

Now you are getting away with it all.

There is nothing I can do.

You have put the blood on my own hands.

In my mind a fissure forms.

Swallowing me alive.

There's no help for me.

No one will come to rescue me.

No one even cares.

Take what you have and leave me be.

It's a crime that you did this to me.

It's a crime that I let you.

I wish I could forget it all.

Close my eyes and convince myself none of this ever happened.

But the truth finds me every time.

My emotions gave me away again.

Just as Judas kissed.

But I'll be the one hanging from the end of a rope.

Where has my hope gone?

How could this happen to me?

I thought I was stronger than this.

Idiot!

What a fool I am.

I can still hear your caustic laughter.

I can still taste the poison on my lips.

I can feel it course through my veins.

I am dying.

I will soon succumb to the darkness.

Why?!

How could I have not seen the rising of the tide?

Was I blind sided?

Was I enticed?

Was I seduced?

Oh, I know not.

With the very last ounce of strength left I cry out.

My voice but a scratch as sandpaper.

Not even as much as a whisper.

"God please save me."

I'm at the end of my own rope.

I have nothing to give any more.

I am nothing now.

I'm looking to You.

I lie here completely helpless as a newborn.

Will You take away all of this?

Create me again for the first time.

Put a heart back in me.

And sew up my soul.

Can You wash away the bloodstains?

Can You wash away all the dirt and grime that I am covered with?

Can You heal my wounds?

Please, oh, please.

Breathe life back into this poor wretch of a man.

Make me sound.

I ask of You God,

because I believe You can make me whole again.

What's left of my faith I put on You,

I'm all in now.

I know I am worthless,

but it's all I have.

May it be enough.

God please, I put my mind, heart, soul and body into Your hands.

If Your hands can hold the whole world,

I am hoping You can hold me as well.

Can You take all that I've been,

all that I am?

Wipe my eyes dry.

End the hurt and pain.

I can take no more.

I am hemorrhaging,

I am bleeding out.

This is the end for me.

God will You give me a new beginning?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

RIGHT NOW

Right now I feel so weary.

I just want to close my eyes to life.

Letting it go its own way.

Right now I just don't care.

I'm all worn and weathered.

My heart and soul are cracked and bleeding.

My will has worn thin.

I feel so helpless.

Right now I feel myself fading away into nothingness.

This feels like my end.

As I am falling.

Just turn away and go your own way.

I don't need you here.

Everyone lies.

I don't want you here, right now.

Just let me go.

I'm so far down.

I can't even see the light of day any more.

But I welcome this darkness.

I welcome this cold.

Right now, it's how I feel.

And I don't care.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHERE DID I GO?

So run down am I.

So tied up and tied down.

I am born for discouragement.

Whatever happened?

Where did I go?

My life's a blur.

Don't know where it began or where it ended.

Whatever happened?

Where did I go?

I once smiled but now I only know sorrow.

Whatever happened?

Where did I go?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

CRACKED BELIEF

I'm having trouble believing right now.
I just don't know any more.
My heart and soul have frozen over.
I don't see what this life has for me.
And I don't see what I have for this life.
I've  been hurting for so long.
I mouth has filled with sand.
I cannot speak.
I cannot cry out.
 Does it really matter anyway?
I have been drowning inside myself.
I can no longer keep myself above all that pulls me down.
All this angers me.
And I'm so angry at myself for allowing my life to become as it is.
I just don't know why all this has fallen upon me.
God where are You?
I don't even know where I am.
I look down and think to myself, six feet down doesn't seem so far.
Does my life have to be this way?
Why is my life this way?
What's the reason?
Does all this serve any hidden purpose?
God can You answer all my questions?
Before I go.
You see, this life is no life at all.
This life is dead.
I am walking dead.
Actually it's far worse,
I'm stuck in the between.
I am not alive, nor am I dead.
Tell me,
what's worse?
God why do You remain silent?
Am I that small to You?
Why should I care if You don't?
TELL ME!!!
But, then again, I haven't the strength to maintain this anger and hatred.
Too much's been taken from me as it is.
Leaving me more deserted and desolate than any desert.
Why am I here?
What is going on?
I know that I am lost.
I know I am guilty of a multitude of sins.
Am I condemned?
All this suffering and sorrow is killing me.
And I am already dead.
With my head in my hands I scream till my chords snap.
But the only sound I made was less than a whisper.
I've had enough.
I am done with it all.
Tell me, does believing have any reward at all?
'Cause I just don't know any more.
And all my cries go out silently.
I'm almost at my end.
And You don't seem to even know it.
I'm tired of taking all of the blame.
I'm tired of carrying all of this on my shoulders.
It has broken my back.
It's broken me.
I am broken.
I want to believe.
I want to hope.
I want to have faith.
But I am so far gone.
I don't think I can do it any more.
I am so far down.
I just don't see any way out of all this.
My Hell.
God please help me to believe.
Bring me back from the grave.
Breathe life into me.
God please heal me.
Please put this broken man back together.
Or is this my lot and measure in life.
The irony is killing me.
I just cannot figure any of this out.
I must be doing something wrong.
I've lost something of myself somewhere along the way.
Where oh where are the answers that I seek?
Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places.
Maybe it's just me.
It's just that I'm so very weary.
I just cannot go on as I have been trying.
My hands and knees have been rubbed raw.
I leave a bloody trail behind me.
It's no wonder my mind has fragmented and fractured.
This is just too much for me.
I just don't know.
How can I believe when I am buried 'neath all of this.
The burdens I've been trying to carry all along.
And failed miserably.
Being bogged down in my despair,
I just don't know,
I'm beginning not to care.
Tell me, how am I supposed to believe.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THERE'S NOTHING LEFT SO LEAVE ME BE

These feelings that I feel take so much from me.

There is very little of me left.

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

My emotions are beating me up again.

I am black and blue all over on the inside.

I just want to rip the heart right of me.

Then I'd feel no more.

And my emotions would have no other recourse.

Finally my mind could have some rest.

Maybe even some peace of mind,

instead of piece of mind.

I wish I could forget it all.

My burnt memories leave a bad taste behind.

Just cut me open and let all this bleed out.

Even if it means I'd be empty and hollow.

That would suit me just fine.

Then there'd be nothing left for anything to feed on.

And there'd be no more of me left.

I no longer care anyway.

Oh just to take it all away.

Just leave me be,

leave me alone.

I don't want you here any more.

You made me hate you,

which in turn made me hate myself.

This is what's happening to me.

This is my suffering.

The hell that I am drowning in.

As sorrow pulls me down ever deeper.

I have no more use.

Just let me die.

And let me live.

Just empty me of everything.

Nothing left to feel.

Let atrophy take my emotions.

And then just leave me be.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY