CRACKED BELIEF

I'm having trouble believing right now.
I just don't know any more.
My heart and soul have frozen over.
I don't see what this life has for me.
And I don't see what I have for this life.
I've  been hurting for so long.
I mouth has filled with sand.
I cannot speak.
I cannot cry out.
 Does it really matter anyway?
I have been drowning inside myself.
I can no longer keep myself above all that pulls me down.
All this angers me.
And I'm so angry at myself for allowing my life to become as it is.
I just don't know why all this has fallen upon me.
God where are You?
I don't even know where I am.
I look down and think to myself, six feet down doesn't seem so far.
Does my life have to be this way?
Why is my life this way?
What's the reason?
Does all this serve any hidden purpose?
God can You answer all my questions?
Before I go.
You see, this life is no life at all.
This life is dead.
I am walking dead.
Actually it's far worse,
I'm stuck in the between.
I am not alive, nor am I dead.
Tell me,
what's worse?
God why do You remain silent?
Am I that small to You?
Why should I care if You don't?
TELL ME!!!
But, then again, I haven't the strength to maintain this anger and hatred.
Too much's been taken from me as it is.
Leaving me more deserted and desolate than any desert.
Why am I here?
What is going on?
I know that I am lost.
I know I am guilty of a multitude of sins.
Am I condemned?
All this suffering and sorrow is killing me.
And I am already dead.
With my head in my hands I scream till my chords snap.
But the only sound I made was less than a whisper.
I've had enough.
I am done with it all.
Tell me, does believing have any reward at all?
'Cause I just don't know any more.
And all my cries go out silently.
I'm almost at my end.
And You don't seem to even know it.
I'm tired of taking all of the blame.
I'm tired of carrying all of this on my shoulders.
It has broken my back.
It's broken me.
I am broken.
I want to believe.
I want to hope.
I want to have faith.
But I am so far gone.
I don't think I can do it any more.
I am so far down.
I just don't see any way out of all this.
My Hell.
God please help me to believe.
Bring me back from the grave.
Breathe life into me.
God please heal me.
Please put this broken man back together.
Or is this my lot and measure in life.
The irony is killing me.
I just cannot figure any of this out.
I must be doing something wrong.
I've lost something of myself somewhere along the way.
Where oh where are the answers that I seek?
Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places.
Maybe it's just me.
It's just that I'm so very weary.
I just cannot go on as I have been trying.
My hands and knees have been rubbed raw.
I leave a bloody trail behind me.
It's no wonder my mind has fragmented and fractured.
This is just too much for me.
I just don't know.
How can I believe when I am buried 'neath all of this.
The burdens I've been trying to carry all along.
And failed miserably.
Being bogged down in my despair,
I just don't know,
I'm beginning not to care.
Tell me, how am I supposed to believe.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY