MY WANDERLUST

I have fallen again.
As I always do.
For I am weak.
I lack the conviction.
Always trying to do it all on my own.
I try to live by my own terms.
I loose sight of myself.
I loose sight of who I am meant to be.
I constantly fight with who I am and who I want to be.
Losing miserably every time.
Left alone in a heap on bloodstained dirt.
I am such a mess.
I am a wretch.
I don't know why I walked away.
From all that was given to me.
My wanderlust got the better of me.
But I followed willingly.
My wonder always betrays me.
My feelings always lie to me.
I am always believing those lies.
God please, I just want to come back home.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I admit my shortcomings.
I admit my selfishness.
I do not want to be the prodigal any more.
Please, if I could just come home.
Who I am is dying.
In fact, I am almost dead.
There's been too much time of living dead.
I have grown weary.
I have become faint.
I have nothing left of me any more.
I am less than nothing.
I am crying out to You.
Please. please come for me.
Come close and pick me up, carrying me back home.
Please come and rescue me from myself.
My own worst enemy.
Teach me to love again.
Teach me to live again.
Please, would You show me who I really am.
Because who I think I am is just not working out.
All the pain, suffering and despair are all tearing me apart.
Piece by piece by piece.
Lord, here are all my burdens.
I can no longer carry them.
I am just too afraid.
Will You please set me free from all of this?
I am begging You.
Somehow I know, I know You will, You have.
I trust You.
My hope is in You.
I can now rest assured.
Please, will You give me rest?
I am holding on for You.
I am holding out for You.
You have already come and taken me.
I am taken by love.
All my fear is gone.
I am seeing for the first time again.
Your love strengthens me.
I can run, I can walk.
I can mount up on wings of an eagle.
For You are the air beneath me.
You are holding me.
In the very hands that hold the whole world.
I am not dying today.
I am just not ready to.
I come to You in pieces.
For I know You will make me whole.
Wrapped in Your arms I am home.
I never really left.
After everything.
Down on my scarred knees.
I realize I am already home.
You are my home.
You are the One who made me me.
With You is where I want to be.
For without You there is and I am nothing.
Your love gives me identity.
Your love gives me refuge.
Your love gives me shelter from the relentless storms.
I find comfort and soothing in the Strong Tower that is You.
Oh Lord please, just hold me and tell me all is going to be ok.
I believe You, I believe in You.
When I found You is when I found myself.
With this ending I am beginning.
I sojourn no more.
I am already home.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE EVIL THAT MEN DO

We think we are so righteous.
And yet, we commit the most heinous acts.
Oh, the evil that men do!
We all have blood on our hands.
We are the murderers.
We are the thieves.
We are the molesters.
We are the abusers.
We are the liars.
Our hearts are filled with anger.
We rage and we hate.
The world is burning and we set the fires.
We even stood there and fanned the flames and poured
   on more fuel
Smiling in the light of the flames.
Distorting our faces to laughing demons.
No matter what, no matter how, we cannot change a thing
   that we do.
We cannot take back anything we do or say.
Oh, woe is us!
We know not what we do.
Or do we?
Why do we try to hide all that we do?
All under the cover of darkness.
Skulking in the shadows.
Our evil will not come out into the light.
For that evil hates the light.
Why does the Father even bother?
When His children go so far astray.
Turning our backs on Him.
Blaming God for all the evil that man does.
Our mouths are open graves.
We will consume ourselves.
After all the crimes we have committed.
God still loves us enough to forgive.
Such pure grace has He.
To take away all our sins.
We are the underserving.
We are the unworthy.
We left Eden afraid.
Naked and alone.
Fear is what drives us.
Fear feeds all evil.
Fear will destroy all of man.
We will be condemned by the very sin that we alone created.
Father forgive me, by nature, a sinner.
I have done much evil.
I was the one who turned his back and walked away.
You never let go of me.
And now I see.
That I have been blind.
I have been a fool.
I don't know why You love me.
After all of the dishonour and grief I have brought upon
   You
And yet, You still do.
I bow down before You.
I lay down all the burdens I have carried for so long.
And I lay out all that I have kept hidden.
Is it enough that I say: "I am sorry." ?
Such as I am.
Such as I have done.
And such as I have said.
Please forgive me.
I give myself over to You.
Please take me and do away with all the evil that permeates
    in all of my life.
I lift all of mankind to You, for I am still here, apart of it.
May Your grace reach out to one and all.
Before we destroy ourselves.
With all the evil that men do.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HERE I AM

Here I am again.
I am always here.
Here I am still.
When I leave I always end up doing a roundabout.
Right back to here.
Always here.
Feels so familiar.
Almost like home.
But it seems like I am in a big empty house.
So cold and dark.
Alone.
Huddled in one corner.
Here I am.
Feeling so afraid.
I hate myself for always coming here.
Why do I feel so drawn to here?
Here there is nothing.
Here is nothing.
And that's how I feel here.
I'm right here.
Here.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

AFTER ALL

You have always been taken from.
The only thing you were ever given was
   grief.
You were always left with nothing.
You were always nothing.
You never had any expectations.
You just wanted to be free.
To be free of all your despair.
You were always put down.
You were pulled up only to be knocked
    down again.
You always kept it all to yourself.
It was eating away at you like a cancer.
Your life always felt like it was dead.
It never seemed fair to you.
And you were always told that is how
   life is supposed to be.
Somehow that just did not feel right to
   you.
You never asked for anything.
Not a single bit of all you were given.
And you did not want any of it.
Why should you have to live this way?
No one should have to.
Whenever you reached out for help.
Your shaking hand just grasped empty air.
You might as well be a ghost.
No one saw you.
No one believed in you.
You were just a figment of an imagination.
You came to hate your reality.
You were just angry.
And you were just in that.
You used to believe in someday.
Now you know someday is never coming.
You only have your loneliness to keep you
   company now.
With all your tears.
They are the only thing you feel.
Along with the sorrow that accompanied
   them.
When is it all going to end?
Is what you always wondered.
This is not how life is supposed to be.
But you were always told to just deal
   with it.
You never could figure out just what that
   meant.
It was just like how you felt.
Meaningless.
Left behind.
Abandoned.
Forgotten.
Forsaken.
You resigned yourself to that it was never
   going to end.
This was your lot in life.
How it was meant to be.
You had received your measure.
Standing on the edge, looking down.
Is it really so far down?
It cannot be any worse than it already is.
It did not matter any more.
It's been so long.
Did it ever matter?
Did you ever matter?
Just what is life for?
If it only means pain and suffering.
You no longer believe that there is any
   purpose for you.
You no longer believe that there is any
   reason for you to be.
You have lost hope.
You have lost faith.
Is there any way out for you?
Just how are you going to escape?
All your paths have led you here.
Just where is here?
It might as well be nowhere.
It would be fitting, since you are no one.
All alone in a great big world.
Just one tiny speck.
All curled up in the dark corner of your
   mind.
With your head hid in your arms.
If this is it.
If this is all there is.
Then you might as well give up.
You might as well give in.
But somehow you are still hanging on.
You are just not ready to let go, not just
   yet.
You are not ready to die.
So you keep holding on.
You keep holding out.
So you wait.
For what, you don't know.
Maybe there is still hope for you after
   all.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I AM NO ONE

Loneliness is just a feeling.
Feelings lie.
I am no one.
Forgotten, I am not.
Forsaken, neither.
I am no one.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I am no one.
Come close.
Hold my heart.
I am no one.
Lost within myself.
I am found in You.
I am no one.
Awake.
Alive.
I am no one.
You walk with me.
Always beside me.
I am no one.
You are my Friend.
You are my Brother.
I am no one.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

SHUT UP, SHUT DOWN

I hear so many voices.

Telling me this and telling me that.

It's almost impossible to tell the good 

    from the bad.

They try to leave me with no choice.

They try to steal my identity.

They are pretty close.

I get so confused.

Everyone always has something to say.

Everyone has their opinion, and 

    it's the only right one.

My opinion does not matter.

Making me angry.

Who's life is it anyway?

Am I not allowed to live my own life?

Or is my life just a lie?

Filling me with frustration.

I am being pulled every which way.

It is enough to drive a man mad.

And I'm about there.

I clench my fists and grind my teeth.

I am about to go off.

It's time to take my own life back.

You all can shut it now!

Leave me alone!

I do not want to hear what you 

    have to say any more.

I will make my own choices.

Based on what I do indeed know.

And I will do so on my own.

I do not need your so-called help.

God, hear me now.

Shut all these voices in my mind up.

I only need to hear Your voice.

You are the One alone who knows which

   way to go.

And I will follow You.

But these voices are getting in the way.

Please take them away, once and for all.

Set me free of my mind.

Please bring me close.

Let me hear just Your voice.

I believe in You alone.

Wholly.

You are all that I need.

Shut all this noise down for good.

I want to see clearly.

I want to know clearly.

And You are the only One.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY.

ALL THE QUESTIONS

I ask the questions.

Expecting to receive the answers.

I rarely hear any.

So I am left with all my doubt.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe it's just the way life is.

Either way I'm left feeling frustrated.

Annoyed, and almost angry.

How am I supposed to find my way if I don't

    know how?

I will not ask you.

You do not know any better than I.

You do not even know me.

So, how can you possibly tell me how to live 

    my life?

Still you try.

So I just walk away.

Leaving your empty words lying on the

    ground where they fell.

I'm feeling, well, I do not really know.

I try to have a positive attitude.

I try to look on the brighter side.

But it's hard when I see no brighter side.

And as far as my attitude goes, well, 

    I'm having trouble caring about 

     anything right now.

Much less believing in anyone or anything.

I've been burned too many times.

Everyone lies!

That is just the way of it all.

And so here I am.

Feeling sorry for myself.

I'm angry at myself for letting everything

    get to me.

I ingested it all, now the poison courses 

   throughout myself.

I am not holding out for any hope for a 

    cure.

Still I have the original questions.

Now I know there will not be any answers

    to expect to come.

So I live with my disappointment in life.

This was not how I expected things to be.

All alone, all by myself.

Forgotten and left behind.

Story of my life.

It is what it is.

What does that mean?

Do not tell me that I am not the only one.

This is my life, I'm the only one who's going

    to live it.

Not all those others.

Maybe I have become jaded.

But, it just does not matter any more.

I'm feeling all this despair.

The cracks are starting to show.

Pieces of me have already started to

   crumble and fall away.

What am I suppose to do?

I mean, seriously, what am I supposed 

    to do?

I'm falling all apart.

I see only darkest ahead.

The tunnel I'm in has no light at the

    end of the tunnel.

I see everyone around me.

They all smile, looking just so damn happy.

Why can't that be me?

I do not deserve anything that is 

    hurting me.

I never asked for any of it.

But I continue on.

I pick myself up and carry on.

But these burdens are weighing down on

   me.

Man, I just cannot catch a break!

If only something would only go my way 

   just once.

I am not expecting that anything will.

Call me a cynic, maybe I am.

I just do not see anything else.

Other than as how I look at life.

Still I have all these damn questions.

What the hell am I supposed to do with 

    them?

How am I supposed to let go of anything?

What am I supposed to do now?

'Cause I just do not know.

God, do you have any answers for me?

Or have you gone deaf?

Here I am.

Where are you?

I could use some help down here.

Do you even care about me?

Oh how I wish that I could not care.

I want to be numb to it all.

I want to close my eyes for a night's rest.

Waking in the morning with everything 

    different.

And I would be happy for the first time

    since I don't know when.

I am just so tired.

I have grown so weary that I just cannot

    carry on any more.

I'm about to give up.

These questions have not got me anywhere.

I can no longer hold on.

My grip continues to slip.

But, I wonder about it all.

Is there something more to all this.

There has got to be.

I mean, I have come this far.

I cannot give up now.

God, if you're there, please come close.

God, please come and save me.

I am going to trust You.

Please, do not let me down.

I am willing to wait a little longer.

But not much longer.

I don't know how long I can hold on.

Could You please provide, maybe, just one

    or two answers to my questions.

And while You are at it, please take these 

    burdens I clutch onto.

Here! Take them.

So, here I am.

Everything is seeming to be different.

The storm has gone its' way.

The sun is coming out.

The sky turns to blue.

My frown turns into a smile.

God, was it You?

Did You come and pick me up?

Carrying me away.

Somehow I think You did.

Nothing is the same any more.

I am feeling so undeserving.

I just cannot wrap my mind around it.

But my heart seems to know.

So I will follow it.

God, I will follow You.

I do not want to return to where I was.

Life is still very hard for me.

And I still wander away.

Going my own way.

Doing things my own way, on my own terms.

But You always remind me of where I am.

And what it is doing to me.

Then I realize where I am again.

I go running right back home.

The home that is You

The only true home I have ever known.

I thank You for that.

You are always watching over me.

And watching out for me.

I'd be lost without You.

I am nothing without You.

You give me identity.

I am no longer who I was back when.

I am no longer where I was back then.

Yesterday is now gone, good-bye, good 

    riddance.

Tomorrow is not promised.

So here I am, living right here, right now.

I expect nothing any more.

I am not taking myself for granted.

I lost myself once.

I will not lose myself again.

So--Here I go, moving on.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

LITTLE ONE, BIG HEART

Do not ever think it's all your fault.
Do not ever think you deserve everything
    you receive.
Truth is, they are more afraid of you than
    you are of them.
Know that you are so much more than they
    say you are.
You are worth more than the sum you feel
    you are.
It is such a shame to see your lifeless face.
The blank stare.
All the bruises that you try to hide.
All the scars you keep covered.
If only you could see just how beautiful
    you really are.
Beautiful heart.
Beautiful soul.
But all your pain wipes it all away.
As you draw the lines, then connect all
    of them.
In your fractured mind you see the thin
    crimson lines as all the pain draining
    away.
You see nothing but despair and darkness.
You try to blind yourself.
As you scratch x's over your eyes.
I wish you could see what I see.
You are the most beautiful girl in the
    WORLD.
Your beauty surpasses all.
They are just jealous.
They would take it from you.
Don't you dare let them!
You are strong.
You are empowered.
If only you could believe.
I know there is hope inside you somewhere.
I can see who you really are.
Believe me or not.
You will never change my mind.
I know you just want it all to stop.
I know you just want it all to end.
To be free of it all.
Your endurance is waning.
Along with your perseverance.
Oh beautiful one.
You are so beautiful to me.
But you only saw the nothing.
You saw one way out.
You punched the mirror one night.
With a shard you cut yourself wide open.
Who you really are, beautiful one, came
    flowing out and pooled on the floor.
Your life bled out in minutes.
They could not see you as you lay in a
    pool of dark blood.
They all should.
They should know just what it was they all
   did.
They are so ignorant of the fact that
    your blood has stained them forever.
And they will get away with murder.
Oh, why did you just give up?
Why did you let them win?
You gave them what they wanted.
They will go on with their what should be
    miserable lives.
They should live what you did.
If I wasn't better than them.
I would see to it that they lived a life of
    sorrow and anguish.
I would make damn sure!
I take solace in knowing that it will come
    back around hard.
I will never forget who you are.
I will always see the beauty that you are.
As I remember, that was almost me.
I tried many a time.
I heard so many voices.
Even when I was alone.
I too broke the mirror.
Then held the razor sharp shard in my
    bloody fist.
I watched the blood tracing lines down my
    wrist.
It made me angry.
That this was happening to me.
Rage filled my fragmented heart.
I stood up.
I screamed: "NO MORE!!!"
That same scared young boy still exists
   within me.
He makes up who I now am.
And those scars I bear openly.
Tell a story of hatred and fear.
As I tried to hide, they were hiding too.
I stood up, I was going to be counted.
I was going to be noticed.
I was going to be heard.

All stories are so very different.
What is for one is not for the other one.
I will not lay any more blame.
Even though it all still haunts me every
    night.
Every night I scream into my pillow.
Then I cry myself asleep.
If you want to call it that.
I still feel that same horror.
Some wounds just never heal.
In my mind I am still bleeding.
But I can still cauterize my wounds.
Even though I am infected.
The poison will be within me for the
    entirety of my life.

Young lady I will hold you in my heart.
Oh such a beauty.
May your voice be heard.
You mattered then and you matter now.
I will make sure you WILL NOT go quietly!
I will show who you really are.
All the love you have to give.
I will surely give in your stead.
I promise you that.

Are you there?
Is this you?
You are not alone in this, NO NOT EVER!!!
Not in this or anything.
Please, please do something.
Take it back.
Take you back.
Let all the fear be theirs and theirs
    alone.
They are the cowards.
Stand and be counted young beautiful one.
You have to believe, you can believe!
Do not ever think it's all your fault.
Do not ever think you deserve anything.
'Cause you do not!
You are loved.
You are needed.
Please don't go, don't you dare leave!
Oh little one.
Big heart.
Just you go live. Live!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

IMMANUEL

The storms will come.
Bringing the cold, cold driving rain.
Numbing the heart and soul.
There's nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.
No shelter for kilometers around.
There is always a breaking point where we
    can take no more.
Tears begin to mix with the rain.
Down on your knees, head hung low.
The rain running down off your head.
The tears run down your face.
Then disappear.
Hopeless in despair.
Faith that is frozen.
But you rise to standing.
Your hair is matted to your head and face.
You raise your head to see the heavens
    above.
You raise your arms to what you cannot
    see.
You cry out.
And hope and faith return to you.
Despair drains away with the rain down
    the sewers.
The sun breaks through.
Wrapping warmth around your shivering body.
Now you are alive.
No more tears.
You smile.
But there is another storm looming on
    the horizon.
The dark clouds are on the move.
Coming ever closer.
Now you have shelter.
Your Brother covers over you.
As your Father holds back the storm.
You are safe, you are warm, you are alive.
Immanuel.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY