THE CURSE OF ALL THAT I WAS NOT

I hate what I have become.
It's all out of my control.
I do not understand anything.
And I fear what I don't understand 
  and what I cannot control.
The fear eats away at me.
It steals fragments from my fragmented mind.
As if I'm not missing pieces of me already.
I drop down crying an endless flow of tears.
They are blood red in colour.
Staining my soul.
Tearing my heart.
I am helpless.
I am hopeless.
I curse this so-called life I just cannot live.
I am afraid to even try.
Love is foreign to me.
I just cannot.
I curse myself.
Filled with despair.
Unable to fight back.
I go down in defeat.
God you seem to be absent from my life.
Where have you gone?
You have left me all alone.
Loneliness has swallowed me.
My sky has fallen down on me again.
All in my mind has been left scorched.
I only remember the bad memories.
I guess there weren't enough good memories
  worth remembering.
Making me feeling worthless.
All that was good in me has died.
Leaving me to face what is dark and cold
  alone.
My life has yet to be lived.
My life began and ended way too soon.
I am lying in the middle of no man's land.
All wrapped by the steel barbs.
I am declared as missing, feared killed.
I am unable to surrender, 
  my tattered white flag has been burned.
I close my eyes but I witness the horror 
  within me everyday.
I see an endless, boundless living night mare
  and night terrors.
This is what I have become.
I have been razed.
I am left as ashes blown away 
  by the acrid smelling wind.
There is nothing left of me.
Not that there was very much there 
  in the first place.
Now I lay in an unmarked grave.
I am the unknown.
I cannot die, I live all this over and over again.
I curse this curse.
I curse this living hell.
What is the point?
There never was any reason for me being.
I cannot say any different.
This is where I am.
Enveloped by all that I was not.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(26/01/2013)