THE DAYS BEFORE

I want to go back to days of long ago.
The days of my youth.
Where I would walk along with the breeze.
When I was care free.
While I still had my innocence.
When I wasn't afraid to feel.
I would look and see the beauty of the world.
I could laugh.
I would run all around with a playful heart.
There was nothing in my way.
Nothing could stop me.
Nothing and no one could hold me back.
I was strong, I was invincible, 
  I was unbreakable.
Where did those days go?
Why did it all have to end so suddenly?
That happy little boy became a fearful,   
  angry boy.
That angry boy became a man.
That man became that same angry boy.
I just want to forget it all.
Pretend that it never happened, none of it.
In a way I died one day.
All of who and what I was was taken and killed.
My innocence was ripped from me
  with my heart and soul.
Way to soon.
I was still just a little boy.
What could I do?
When those I trusted all betrayed me.
I was left out in the cold.
I was left alone.
I cried myself asleep every night.
I screamed into my pillow every night.
I tried to hide my tears.
I tried to hide the hurt and pain.
But I was just not strong enough.
And I was ignored.
I was let down.
Where was I supposed to go?
When there was nowhere to go.
There was nothing I could do.
Desperation and hopelessness slowly
  consumed me.
Why did it all have to happen?
What did I do to deserve any of this?
Oh my God, my God, why?
Where were you when I needed you?
Once again, I was left all alone.
I was angry and didn't care any more.
I just wanted to die, I was already dead anyway.
No one cared, no one listened to me.
All alone one night I tried to end it all.
Somehow I am still here, still alive.
With hope to live.
That scared, angry little boy is still
  alive in me.
I cannot forget.
I cannot forgive.
I cannot love myself.
Still I hope beyond all hope.
That it will all one day end.
That I could know peace again.
And get my innocence back again.
But it's hard to have hope when you're
  having trouble believing any more.
It still hurts so very much.
And I'm tired of hearing only words.
Words mean nothing when you hurt so much.
God, my God, where are you?
I am looking for you.
I don't want to be afraid any more.
I don't want to be angry any more.
I don't want to hurt any more.
I just want to live.
Live in peace and harmony.
Do any of these things exist?
I have hope they do.
Believing is the hardest part.
Still having hope and faith, I realize
  that's all I really have right now.
Without them I have nothing.
So I keep holding on, I keep holding out.
One day these wounds will heal and I will
  wear the scars.
I look for that day.
Always looking for that day.
Just like the day of long ago.
The day before everything.
I believe I can go back again.
I believe...

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(17/11/2012)