HURT AND PAIN ARE GOOD TEACHERS

I still think of you from time to time.

I still miss you.

I still care.

Even  after the passing of the years.

I can still see the first time that I saw you looking at me.

There was something there instantly.

Even though it was just a feeling.

I enjoyed being with you.

I looked forward to our times together.

I didn't care that we were generations apart.

I leaned on you and you leaned on me.

We could talk just about anything.

We shared our souls with each other.

You took all the years away from me.

And that made me happy at last.

Then you would walk away from me.

Doing what you wanted, damn anyone else's feelings.

You used to make me hurt so much, indescribable.

I used to sit alone and cry and I don't even know why.

You used to say things because I liked hearing them.

I was sure of it.

I felt used and manipulated.

I knew you lied to me all the time.

Still I'd wait for you to call me.

I just wanted to be around you.

It got me out of all the hurt and pain I was drowning in.

But you'd always push me away.

Lying to me again and again.

And I knew it.

Damnit, I always let you get away with everything.

You tore off my heart tattooed on my wrist and left me bleeding.

No one hurt me as you always were.

Did you not see?

Did you even realize what it was you were doing to me?

If you did; did you even care?

Because I sure did.

That's why the pain tore me to shreds.

I was always falling apart because you left me out of everything.

I eventually gave up picking myself up.

I seemed to know I was just going to fall apart again.

Then you always came back to me, all was forgotten about.

I forgave you for all that you did to me.

Even though you did not deserve it.

I just wanted your company.

Because being with you meant I could escape from the world I was living in.

Everything just seemed to disappear when I was with you.

Then you would walk away from me again.

You would just up and disappear.

My heartstrings would all just snap and I would be left alone with the pain.

I saw and felt everything you were doing to me.

And it made me so angry, with you, with myself.

I always said to myself that I would give you just one more chance.

But I was always giving you one more chance.

Your words and promises became hollow.

I didn't believe a thing you told me.

Still, I just sat there and kept on listening to you.

In my fragmented mind I didn't care.

I just wanted to be with you.

It was a far sight better than the empty and lonely life that I was living.

I kept swallowing all the pain and hurt your lies were causing.

I choked on them every time.

But I still kept pushing all the broken feelings down.

Then I began to crack and crumble.

The pressure was getting too much.

Then I felt all apart.

My heart, mind and soul had reached their limit and just shut down.

It was then I realized.

I knew what you were doing to me.

I did not, could not, let you do to me any more.

You stopped calling.

And I eventually stopped calling too.

Even though I still cared and even though it hurt me so very much to separate myself from you.

It was what I had to do.

You were poison to me.

I was slowly dying on the inside.

Your presence was the toxic air that I was breathing.

You became a tumour that I needed to remove from me.

So I just ripped you from my heart, soul and mind.

My heart was left with a hole where you used to be.

And there was a scar left on my wrist.

But it was for the better, I tried to tell myself.

I didn't need you any more.

I did not want you any more.

Words I kept saying to myself.

But the hurt and pain remained.

Even to this very day.

But I am over you now.

My heart is tattooed on my wrist again.

It always will be.

It's a part of who I am.

And I cannot deny who I am.

I have to be me.

I am not going to let any wounds keep me from being me.

I still think about you.

I still feel you.

I will remember all the good times we shared together.

And I will still remember all the hurt and pain you brought down on me.

All of that has become a scar I bear.

Everything and it all have become lessons I am trying to learn.

Some of the damage is beyond repair.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot put you completely out of my mind.

My mind wants to hold on, just a little bit.

I need all the good memories I can get.

I forgive you my dear.

But I don't think I will ever forget you, no matter what.

The good, the bad, will always be with me.

But you no longer haunt me.

I have moved on.

You are miles away from me.

Generations still separate us.

This time I will keep it that way.

Even though a small part of me wants to see you one last time, I will admit.

Just like a dog returns to its vomit.

I don't want to be the fool again.

I will not be the folly of that fool again.

Maybe it's best that I leave you in the past.

And keep on moving towards the future.

I know where I was.

I know where I am because of it.

I don't know what's to come next.

I like to think I will be all the more the wiser.

Here's to having hope.

Here's to having faith in myself.

Here's to God being all that I really need.

His assured grace and unfailing love are all that I will ever need.

"God, You're the only One I want to be with."

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY