CALL ME DEAD

Living hurts so very much.

The storms in my life always tear me down and I am carried away.

I am beat and battered.

Left in tatters.

My foundation is still intact.

Although cracked and crumbling.

My tears fall like the driven rain against me.

What good are these walls if I've no roof over my head?

I have no shelter.

No refuge to seek.

No one to take me in.

It's all so very hard to take.

The pain can be excruciating.

It is all consuming just as a forest fire would all the trees.

I live all this over and over.

Waiting for a tomorrow that never comes.

I know not of love.

Only that it hurts.

It bites and leaves its' mark.

A wound that bleeds.

It will not coagulate.

No scab forms.

It bleeds me of all life.

Inside I feel so dry.

My heart corrodes.

My mind is seized.

My soul is in atrophy.

It's just too much for one man to take.

God, would You mind if I just went away?

How is this existence?

I am burning.

Oh, I burn.

No light will ever pierce this dark.

Time keeps me prisoner.

Allowing no healing to ever come to me.

I put my fist to the wall.

I am the only one who breaks.

I am the only one who falls down.

I am left in ruins.

Alone and desolate.

If this is my life, then call me dead.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

DOWN, RISE, STAND, ONWARD

Down on my knees.

All scraped and bleeding.

I am hunched over.

Breathing comes with labour.

My head is held down.

Arms hang at my sides.

Everything is a blur.

I have reached the point of exhaustion. 

Then I fall over onto my side.

There is just no more fight left in me.

All my strength is gone.

My will has died.

I convulse from the pain.

As I continue to bleed out.

All life is leaving me.
But I don't want to be left like this.
I don't want to go down as I have.
I'm not ready to give up.
I'm not ready to die.
Not just yet.
I roll over, I'm back on my knees.
I hunch over.
Putting knuckles to blood stained ground.
I rise.
I rise.
I stand.
I stand.

My head is held high.
I was down and out.
Now I am up and I'm ready to head back into the fray.
I look around and breathe in.
I close my eyes.
This is a good day.
I am alive.
And I want to live.
Now to walk on.
Now to push forward.
I will carry on.
Holding the course.
I am not afraid.
No one can touch me.
I will push on through.
My resolve is steel solid.
A fire burns hot and bright in my heart.
I will illuminate.
I will radiate.
I was there, now I am here.
I was down, now I am risen.
I was wounded, I was bleeding, now I bear a scar.
I am all the stronger for it.
If I go down again I will get back up again.
Again and again, over and over, if need be.
Bend me, but I cannot be broken.
I will always start from down on my knees.
I will rise.
I will rise.
I will stand.
I will stand.
Onward and upward.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HURT AND PAIN ARE GOOD TEACHERS

I still think of you from time to time.

I still miss you.

I still care.

Even  after the passing of the years.

I can still see the first time that I saw you looking at me.

There was something there instantly.

Even though it was just a feeling.

I enjoyed being with you.

I looked forward to our times together.

I didn't care that we were generations apart.

I leaned on you and you leaned on me.

We could talk just about anything.

We shared our souls with each other.

You took all the years away from me.

And that made me happy at last.

Then you would walk away from me.

Doing what you wanted, damn anyone else's feelings.

You used to make me hurt so much, indescribable.

I used to sit alone and cry and I don't even know why.

You used to say things because I liked hearing them.

I was sure of it.

I felt used and manipulated.

I knew you lied to me all the time.

Still I'd wait for you to call me.

I just wanted to be around you.

It got me out of all the hurt and pain I was drowning in.

But you'd always push me away.

Lying to me again and again.

And I knew it.

Damnit, I always let you get away with everything.

You tore off my heart tattooed on my wrist and left me bleeding.

No one hurt me as you always were.

Did you not see?

Did you even realize what it was you were doing to me?

If you did; did you even care?

Because I sure did.

That's why the pain tore me to shreds.

I was always falling apart because you left me out of everything.

I eventually gave up picking myself up.

I seemed to know I was just going to fall apart again.

Then you always came back to me, all was forgotten about.

I forgave you for all that you did to me.

Even though you did not deserve it.

I just wanted your company.

Because being with you meant I could escape from the world I was living in.

Everything just seemed to disappear when I was with you.

Then you would walk away from me again.

You would just up and disappear.

My heartstrings would all just snap and I would be left alone with the pain.

I saw and felt everything you were doing to me.

And it made me so angry, with you, with myself.

I always said to myself that I would give you just one more chance.

But I was always giving you one more chance.

Your words and promises became hollow.

I didn't believe a thing you told me.

Still, I just sat there and kept on listening to you.

In my fragmented mind I didn't care.

I just wanted to be with you.

It was a far sight better than the empty and lonely life that I was living.

I kept swallowing all the pain and hurt your lies were causing.

I choked on them every time.

But I still kept pushing all the broken feelings down.

Then I began to crack and crumble.

The pressure was getting too much.

Then I felt all apart.

My heart, mind and soul had reached their limit and just shut down.

It was then I realized.

I knew what you were doing to me.

I did not, could not, let you do to me any more.

You stopped calling.

And I eventually stopped calling too.

Even though I still cared and even though it hurt me so very much to separate myself from you.

It was what I had to do.

You were poison to me.

I was slowly dying on the inside.

Your presence was the toxic air that I was breathing.

You became a tumour that I needed to remove from me.

So I just ripped you from my heart, soul and mind.

My heart was left with a hole where you used to be.

And there was a scar left on my wrist.

But it was for the better, I tried to tell myself.

I didn't need you any more.

I did not want you any more.

Words I kept saying to myself.

But the hurt and pain remained.

Even to this very day.

But I am over you now.

My heart is tattooed on my wrist again.

It always will be.

It's a part of who I am.

And I cannot deny who I am.

I have to be me.

I am not going to let any wounds keep me from being me.

I still think about you.

I still feel you.

I will remember all the good times we shared together.

And I will still remember all the hurt and pain you brought down on me.

All of that has become a scar I bear.

Everything and it all have become lessons I am trying to learn.

Some of the damage is beyond repair.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot put you completely out of my mind.

My mind wants to hold on, just a little bit.

I need all the good memories I can get.

I forgive you my dear.

But I don't think I will ever forget you, no matter what.

The good, the bad, will always be with me.

But you no longer haunt me.

I have moved on.

You are miles away from me.

Generations still separate us.

This time I will keep it that way.

Even though a small part of me wants to see you one last time, I will admit.

Just like a dog returns to its vomit.

I don't want to be the fool again.

I will not be the folly of that fool again.

Maybe it's best that I leave you in the past.

And keep on moving towards the future.

I know where I was.

I know where I am because of it.

I don't know what's to come next.

I like to think I will be all the more the wiser.

Here's to having hope.

Here's to having faith in myself.

Here's to God being all that I really need.

His assured grace and unfailing love are all that I will ever need.

"God, You're the only One I want to be with."

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD (I ALREADY KNOW)

Just look at the state of the world.

See all the smoke and fire.

We all know the world is burning.

I hear about it over and over.

Maybe the sayers should become doers.

Bring all the strongholds down.

If you want to change the world be that change.

Be the light and stop spreading the darkness.

What the world needs right now are encouragers.

There are enough critics.

We all need to see the truth.

And the truth is that there is still hope for this world.

I believe it, oh, I believe it.

There is still love in this world.

Be the voice that screams it all over the world.

The end will come soon enough.

Right now is where we are.

Right now is we are living.

Stop sharing what is dead.

We do not need any more poison spreading.

Our hearts and souls are saturated already.

Bleed ourselves of all that poison.

No rebellion, there's enough hatred in this world already.

No revolution, there's enough anger in this world too.

Revival, revival!

Love is what this world needs more of.

Let the fires of revival burn hot and high.

Burn away all that is black.

Look to the future for renewal.

There is no false hope.

And faith is not blind.

Love is what we need to be looking for.

Instead of something else to bring down.

I see all the fingers pointing.

What is wrong with this world I already know.

So stop telling me.

If you don't like it do something about it.

Love is forgiving and love is for giving.

Attitude is everything and everything begins with you.

Negativity is a slippery slope.

It is a pandemic that has spread all over the world we all know.

Crying about it isn't going to change anything.

There is a cure.

We all need to see that.

Love cures all that ails us.

I believe, oh, I believe!

Look at the state of the world.

Now! Go change it!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

IN THE VISIBLE THROUGH THE OUT

It doesn't matter.

Nothing matters, not any more.

I am nothing and no one.

I'm just a faded photograph.

Worn and weathered.

Weary and forlorn.

My hope let me down.

Here I lie, broken and shattered.

The dark of despair covers me.

The dark is absolute.

Isolated and segregated.

Separate and removed.

The silence is killing me.

I have been bled of all love.

Anger and rage consume me.

No more and never was.

The beginning was always an ending.

The beginning was just a myth anyway.

I cannot move, I cannot breathe.

Here I am.

Nowhere.

I am the transparent all in tatters.

Ripped and torn.

Trapped in the inbetween.

I fell through a crack and I still fall.

I hit rock bottom and kept falling.

My cries for saving just reverberate endlessly.

My screams are less than whispers.

My mouth is an open grave and I have swallowed myself.

I used to feel hurt and pain, but now they've just numbed me.

No more do I feel.

My tears have become icicles and there they hang from the corner of my eyes.

My heart and soul have corroded over.

My mind has crumbled to dust.

Carried away by my one last breath.

There I go as I go, such as I am.

Of which I know not.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

TO LOVE YOU

I watch you live your life.

I watch you as you go.

I just want to be a part of it so much.

You don't know just how much I love you.

I see the burdens that you carry needlessly.

I am willing to take them all off of you.

If only you would let me.

I see the tears you cry and try to hide.

I catch each one.

I am even there with you holding you as you hurt.

It hurts me too.

Child, I love you so.

Why do you ignore me?

Why do you keep walking away from me?

I will follow you wherever you go.

I will not desert nor forsake you.

I just wanted you to know.

Please don't go.

It hurts me so.

More than you will ever know.

As your tears fall so too do mine.

I died to let you know.

I have moved all Heaven and Earth for you.

Please know this, I have never left you alone nor on your own.

As many have.

I have been with you always as I still am.

 I am not going anywhere.

Here's my hand.

You can take it any time you need or want to.

I am here for you.

I just want to love you.

Will you please let me.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE LIVING HELL THAT LIVES WITHIN ME

I know what I am.

I know where I am.

Who I am, not so much.

I am afraid.

What if I die without finding out who I am?

I don't bother looking for what I haven't found yet any more.

So many years looking for what I don't even know.

I cannot remember where I came from.

That frightens me.

How am I supposed to live my life when I don't know what it's for?

Here I am, this I know all too well.

I am what I am, such as I am, and I hate that.

I don't know very much, just that I am angry and full of self loathing.

I don't want to blame anyone for anything.

But what the hell am I supposed to do?

What choice do I have?

Remembering where I am, I wonder where I will be going.

Fear clutches at me, holding me where I am.

I cannot go back, I cannot move on.

I am told to let it all go.

Then I am told to just hold on.

I am confused and frustrated.

When do I let go?

When do I let go?

Can someone please tell me what the difference is?

I am also told to deal with it all.

Again, what the hell does that mean?

I am told and hear so much.

It's no wonder that I do not know who I am.

I feel as though I am spinning 'round and 'round and ever 'round.

I am sick and crazed.

And I don't even know what to do about this.

I am afraid to live, and even more so, I am afraid to try.

I just do not know!

Chaos pulls at my mind.

Often pulling me apart.

My heart lies in shards on the ground, still bleeding.

My soul has been shredded.

I guess you can say that I am fractured and fragmented.

At night the tears come.

Washing me away, drowning me.

I'm afraid to close my eyes because I will just have to open them again.

Oh I hate the day.

The light is always blinding.

Inside I am scorched.

I am damaged beyond repair it seems.

Oh, if I could just shut off the world for a time.

I need to wash of all the grime that the world covers me with.

And could someone stop this world, I want to get off?

But it keeps on moving.

I feel so hopeless.

I am alone.

Feeling that my feelings are lying to me.

And I think I am the one who betrays me every turn 'round the bend.

I get knocked down every time.

It's so hard to get back up, almost impossible, in fact.

I fear being knocked down again.

It hurts more every time that I do.

I am told to love myself and to forgive myself too.

I am given another parable.

Tell me how I can.

Tell me what the hell you mean.

Because from my perspective I am only hearing babble.

I just do not understand.

But I am left to it.

I just cannot!

It hurts too damn much!

Maybe my anger is blinding me.
Maybe my hurt and pain from all of my harms are blinding me.
I just do not know!
God I am doing my best to keep trusting in You.
But with each new day it gets harder and harder.
And I slip further down into my living hell.
The hell that lives within me.
I am cursed.
I am forgotten.
I am forsaken.
I am so afraid that this all is true.
Because in my mind that is how I feel.
And no well meaning words are going to help me.
I do not want to hear anyone say anything.
Hollow words just float down to the ground before my feet.
No one understands.
Everyone pretends to care.
Not only am I lying to myself, so too do the so-called well meaning.
I try to get away but I always end up on the road to hell that is paved with their good intentions.
This is my curse.
Why I seclude myself.
And why I separate myself.
A kind of quarantine.
I am just so sick of it all.
I have grown so weary.
God hear my lament.
Can You hear my silent cries?
Can You hear the silence in me that screams?
Or does it all fall on deaf ears?
God please, save me, save me from myself!
My so-called life has succumbed to atrophy.
I am down to my last ounce of strength.
I am down to one last breath.
I know no one has my back.
I'm standing on the edge.
Ready to step on out.
Six feet doesn't seem that far down.
I feel that cold.
I am frost bitten.
Don't tell me that I am loved.
Because love bites and that bite always leaves a mark.
To me love hurts.
I have enough hurts to last a thousand lifetimes.
Now I am imagining a thousand eternities with all this.
I fall down to bloodied hands and knees.
In my Heart of Hearts is only scar tissue.
I have grown hardened by the such.
Making the hell in me so cold.
I feel so very cold.
I fall over onto my side.
Frost covers me and it bites deep.
I just want to sleep.
Just to know peace of mind just once, just for awhile.
But I am afraid to sleep because I am even more afraid to awake.
And all this starts over again.
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
This is my own prison.
Six walls, no windows, no door.
I've only strength enough to say one last thing...
God please, take all this away!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY