Feeling all alone with my pain.
Often my life feels as though it is all in ruins.
I tear myself down.
I tear myself to shreds.
Hope seems so foreign to me.
Faith feels like a broken crutch.
The rock I was standing on melted.
And just where is love?
Maybe I am blinded by all my corrosive tears.
My heart is turning to rust.
It is only a matter of time before I am consumed.
I've lost myself again.
I just up and left when I wasn't looking.
Lord, I cry out to You.
I just do not know where I am any more.
I do not know what happened to me.
Lord, please tell me what is going on.
'Cause I just don't know.
I am angry, confused and frustrated.
It seems as though You have forsaken me.
I do not see You in my life any more.
Is it because I walked away from You?
Somehow I still know that You are still with me.
Through all of everything You remained at my side.
You never left me.
It's just so hard for me to see You right now.
All the hurt, pain, and the harms have blinded me once again.
And I am down on bloodied hands and knees again.
All I know is that I am dying to live.
But I am afraid to live.
More so, I am afraid to even try.
I look at my scars and I remember that I was the one who caused them.
I hurt myself, it's what I do.
I couldn't help myself if my life depended on it.
And the sad truth is that it does.
I feel so empty and hollow.
Alone, naked, ashamed and afraid.
I shiver from the cold that is my life.
I exist on a plane of total absence of light.
This so-called life is dead.
I feel so spent.
I am beyond weary.
I crashed and burned a long time ago.
I never really did recover.
Lord, only You remain.
Only You remain faithful.
Even to this time and place.
Where all others have left me behind.
Leaving me for dead.
You never did expect too much from me.
You were the One who always gave.
And only You always forgave.
I see all that.
I see You for who You are.
As much as I hurt, Lord, Your love comforts me.
Deep down I know I'm going to make it through.
In spite of myself.
And that's all I really want.
SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY
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