I HAVE BECOME WHAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN

The world makes a lot of noise,

it's deafening.

It always makes me feel so violated.

And I always feel like I am covered in a thick covering of filth that I just cannot wash or even scrub off.

No matter how hard that I try.

Living in this world makes me feel so cold and dark and all alone.

I just don't know where to go.

I just don't know what to do.

I don't even know what to say, or if I even should.

What's to say anyway?

No matter what, I know it will all be the same to me.

Pain, hurt, suffering and anger are inevitable.

And that's a given.

I do not see any use in any of this.

Just what is in it for me?

What's wrong with me?

Is it all my fault?

I know that I don't belong here,

even though I still look for a place to belong.

My heartstrings are unravelling.

My seams are all coming apart.

And my mind is growing more frayed with the passing of each moment.

Maybe it's just me.

I just don't know!

If I'm the one to make my own choices, 

then,

how the hell am I supposed to when I have no choice?

All this puts immense pressure on the hinges of my sanity and reality.

All that I have buried deep down inside me is about to come out like a nuclear detonation.

Man, this world must really hate me!

If she doesn't care about me, 

then why does she always beat up on me?

What did I do to bring all of this down on me?

What did I do to deserve all of this?

I certainly do not want any of this.

Its weight is just too much for me to bear.

I've already had enough.

I just want it all to end.

When will it end?

Will it end?

This world doesn't want me.

Heaven doesn't want me.

Hell doesn't want me.

I don't even want me.

I am shivering from the cold so hard that I am starting to crack and crumble into dust.

And the dust is filling my lungs.

I cough and choke.

Someone please stop this damned world,

I want to get off.

I try to walk my paths, but all my paths lead me to nowhere.

Just where is nowhere?

But here I am in the middle of nowhere.

Living on the outskirts of life,

on the wrong side of the tracks.

No one wants to associate with me.

I don't blame them,

I don't even want to associate with me.

I'm afraid to close my eyes at night because I will just have to open them again in the morning.

With blood red skies above me.

With scorched and burnt memories in a twisted mind, heart and soul.

I hate this world I am condemned to live in.

I regret everything,

and I regret having regrets.

I only have brought shame and dishonour upon myself.

Knowing full well that I have brought the same upon my God.

Maybe He doesn't want me to be His child any more.

Maybe I have fallen from His grace.

God are You ignoring me?

Have You forsaken me?

'Cause I feel I've been cursed.

I live with ridicule and fear in this so-called life of "mine".

My hope has become hopeless.

My faith has turned to air and blown away.

And I'm down on bloodied hands and knees.

I haven't the strength to continue.

And everything is on me.

It's all me, me alone.

I am at fault.

I am guilty.

I have been sentenced to life,

life living this death.

I cry aloud and I scream till I burst at the seams.

Just look at the mess I am,

the mess that I have made.

I cannot help but to feel sorrow and despair.

So much so that my tears flow like a raging white water river.

My pillow is blemished with all the tear stains.

And that's how I see myself,

a stain.

Unwanted and undesirable.

How can I hate this world when I hate myself even more?

Did the world do all this to me?

Did life do this to me?

Did I do it to myself?

Just forget it!

How can I, when I am reminded when I peek into my broken mirror?

I'm such a disappointment,

to God, to myself, to each and every one I have met along the way.

Everyone came into and then out of my life.

Or did I run away, leaving them behind?

None of this really matters any more.

I am such a failure of my own.

Maybe I'm a failure of God as well.

But that doesn't really make any sense at all.

So, here I am.

I am always here.

Wondering where and if I am going from here.

I just don't know!

God, where are You?

Can't You hear my cries and pleas?

I know I am just a speck,

but have You forgotten about me?
I don't want to blame You,
but I am feeling helpless here.
If You know everything I need and if You will provide;
why then am I burdened with all of this?
With no end in sight.
With no hope of receiving assurance.
All of which are foreign to me.
God, is there a chance that You can come and save me,
save me from myself?
I am my own worst enemy.
And I am afraid of myself the most,
for I know what I am capable of.
I know if I continue this way I will catch up to myself,
then I am sure to do myself in.
Does that matter to You?
I am not so sure it does to me.
So I separate, I isolate.
I am a biohazard.

A dangerous contagion.
I am toxic, I am poisonous, I am caustic.
I will pull anyone who wanders too close down with me.
Would you listen to me,
I have become the world.
And the world has become me.
It's no wonder that I am what I am.
I have done all this to myself.
The whys and therefores are moot.
I don't want any more of it any more.
If only I could throw it away.
Lay it down somewhere and leave it far behind.
Put it all to flame and watch it burn.
Would I be free then?
God, please, take me away from myself.
Please take all of this away from me.
It's just too much to hold much less to carry.
It's making my soul sick.
My soul is blackened.
God please suck the poison from my veins.
Can You heal all of my open wounds?
Can you put me back together again?
Could You possibly clean up this big mess that I am?
I have become what I have always been.
I no longer want to be.
God please!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY