ACTUALLY

I look around me.

At the world that I live in.

I see scorched skies and scorched earth.

The air that I breathe chokes me.

And I feel so empty.

I walk along my way.

Feeling oh so alone.

Where did everything go?

Whatever happened to me?

Where did I go wrong?

I want to know.

I need to know.

God, I feel so very far away from You.

I cannot hear You any more.

I cannot feel You any more.

The tears flow freely.

I wipe them away.

I try to hide them.

I don't want anyone to see.

No one needs to know.

They would not understand anyway.

And I fear the ridicule that would surely come.

I am having trouble believing these days.

I am losing hope in these hard times.

With my faith slipping away from me in these dark days.

I have fallen so many times that I cannot get up any more.

The pain that I feel freezes my soul.

My heart is no longer breathing.

My mind just crumbles into dust.

I am broken.

This life is no place for this man to live.

I am not fit to survive on my own.

I don't know why I continue to try.

Just what is it that I am looking for?

What do I want?

What do I need?

I know this,

I know not.

My skies are always falling down on me.

My walls are all in ruins.

Weathered and withered am I.

Living for me hurts so very much.

That's why I am afraid to do so.

I'm even afraid to try.

What does it mean to live anyway?

What kind of man do I need to be?

And why do I seem to be so far away from myself?

I do not even know who I am.

God, how did I end up being this way?

Is it all a lie?

I sure hope it is.

I hope I open my eyes and it was all just a bad dream.

But I do not think that it is.

It is all so very real to me.

This is my reality.

I have been hurt.

I feel pain every day.

All the harms I have known keep me this way.

I look around me.

At the world around me.

It's then that I realize that I am actually looking in myself.

It's not about the world around me.

It's about the world within me.

That's where I live.

That's where I am slowly killing myself.

God please,

God please save me from myself.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY