A LONELY CROSS TO BEAR

A cross, yours to bear.
Its weight bears you down.
Your strength wanes.
You insist it's your cross.
Yours to bear alone.
And so you fall.
Beneath the weight of your arrogance.
There are those willing.
There are those offering.
Even Christ needed help to carry His cross.
Don't let your ignorance be the weight that finally buries you.
Even the strong grow weak.
Pride is something that will pull you down.
Do you not see?
That you need me.
Just like I need you.
One is never enough.
We all have our crosses to bear.
And we all need help to do so.
There is no shame here.
There is strength in the sharing of weakness.
We're all broken and have fallen.
"Here's my hand...Here's my hand...Here's my hand....
Lift together now, on three."

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

HOPE, THIS I BELIEVE

We do indeed live in hard times these days.

And at times life can feel dark and cold.

The tide always seems to roll back in all the much higher.

It's not easy to tread water any more,

not that it ever was.

We fight for survival,

which is quite a shame.

Life used to be so grand.

Where everyone wore a smile,

always quick to pass it on.

But hearts have hardened somewhere along the way.

One has to struggle just to keep it all together.

I miss seeing the joy of a young child,

who was free to run and roam wherever he may.

That innocence was stolen a long time ago.

And it just makes me cry, 

because I remember those days from my youth.

Without a care in the world except where and what would I explore next.

Now that I've grown and I am a man,

I long for those days left so far behind.

Just to laugh and feel free again.

But the world is now in the way.

I know somewhere deep inside my heart there still beats the heart of that child I used to be.

The one with boundless wonder.

With faith without questions.

Questions always come with some doubt,

doubt that boggs us all down.

It just breaks an already broken heart.

Where, oh where did we go wrong?

Where did we lose away,

going so far astray?

It feels as though I have lost my soul.

This hardened heart of mine is so cold,

cracked and crumbling.

But I still have some hope that I cling to with all of who I am.

For without this hope there is just nothing.

What a bleak and cynical existence that would be.

I still believe my hope will never let me down.

It never has thus far.

It always shines, rising up through the rain and the tears.

Where I can see the sun again,

basking in its warmth.

It does my heart and soul good.

If hope is all that I have, then hope is all I need.

God please do not ever let go of me.

For You are the only hope I have.

It is You that I believe in, wholly and solely.

You bring ease to this troubled mind of mine.

You bring comfort to the chaos life has become.

We do indeed live in hard in times these days.

But with even the smallest measure of hope I believe what we have lost can be again.

Even the dimmest of lights can shine the brightest.

For in hope there is strength and courage.

Enough to make it past the last milestone.

Where our journey is destined to lead.

Home.

Where the heart wants to be again for the first time.

So, remember this one last thing.

It's never over, beyond all hope, there is certainly joy in abundance.

This I believe.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ACTUALLY

I look around me.

At the world that I live in.

I see scorched skies and scorched earth.

The air that I breathe chokes me.

And I feel so empty.

I walk along my way.

Feeling oh so alone.

Where did everything go?

Whatever happened to me?

Where did I go wrong?

I want to know.

I need to know.

God, I feel so very far away from You.

I cannot hear You any more.

I cannot feel You any more.

The tears flow freely.

I wipe them away.

I try to hide them.

I don't want anyone to see.

No one needs to know.

They would not understand anyway.

And I fear the ridicule that would surely come.

I am having trouble believing these days.

I am losing hope in these hard times.

With my faith slipping away from me in these dark days.

I have fallen so many times that I cannot get up any more.

The pain that I feel freezes my soul.

My heart is no longer breathing.

My mind just crumbles into dust.

I am broken.

This life is no place for this man to live.

I am not fit to survive on my own.

I don't know why I continue to try.

Just what is it that I am looking for?

What do I want?

What do I need?

I know this,

I know not.

My skies are always falling down on me.

My walls are all in ruins.

Weathered and withered am I.

Living for me hurts so very much.

That's why I am afraid to do so.

I'm even afraid to try.

What does it mean to live anyway?

What kind of man do I need to be?

And why do I seem to be so far away from myself?

I do not even know who I am.

God, how did I end up being this way?

Is it all a lie?

I sure hope it is.

I hope I open my eyes and it was all just a bad dream.

But I do not think that it is.

It is all so very real to me.

This is my reality.

I have been hurt.

I feel pain every day.

All the harms I have known keep me this way.

I look around me.

At the world around me.

It's then that I realize that I am actually looking in myself.

It's not about the world around me.

It's about the world within me.

That's where I live.

That's where I am slowly killing myself.

God please,

God please save me from myself.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

WHAT I HAVE BECOME

I believe in love,

but I am filled with hate.

I believe in the truth,

but I am filled with lies.

I believe in grace,

but I am filled with judgement.

I believe in acceptance,

but I am filled with loathing.

I believe in hope,

but I am filled with hopelessness.

I believe in faith,

but I am filled with despair.

I believe in forgiveness,

but I am filled with anger.

This is me,

what I have become.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

BLOODSTAINED HANDS

I was you, you were me.

I killed you, you killed me.

It was a crime that I did it to you.

It was a crime you did it to me.

Why am I the only one imprisoned?

Why am I the only one with bloodstains on his hands?

You are gone, I am still here.

I'm not so sure that's a good thing.

Because now I am completely alone.

With a total absence of everything.

Do I still believe?

Do I not believe any more?

The one thing I do know is that I do not know.

I am condemned.

I am cursed by my own words.

Where do I go from here?

When here is nowhere.

I regret everything I regret.

I left you lying dead on the ground.

But, I feel as though I am the one who's dead.

I am a ghost.

Neither here nor there.

Life no longer exists for me.

But then again, it never did.

There is no such thing as freedom.

I walk in the shadows.

I prefer it that way.

How am I supposed to believe with this black cloud looming over me?

Why has agony consumed me?

I know that I am guilty.

I punish myself every day.

I torture and torment myself.

I almost derive perverse pleasure from it.

It's almost like I'm killing myself all over again.

As I live in a prison of my own making.

Six walls and darkness absolute.

I scratch and I claw.

Even though there is no hope for escape.

Here I will remain.

This time I will wither and flake away.

I will crack and crumble to minute dust.

With no legacy left.

No one ever cared.

No one will ever care.

The no good son.

The wayward one.

The prodigal.

I killed you, you killed me.

I am no more, you are no more.

Just two lost souls, now become one.

But the end is the same.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

FEELINGS I HAVE KNOWN

I haven't the time for regrets,

but regrets I have.

I haven't the time for scorched memories,

but scorched memories I have.

I haven't the time for ill feelings,

but ill feelings I have.

Broken, beat and scarred I am.

Nothing to give.

Nothing to take.

A failure am I.

I haven't the time for my tears,

but my tears fall.

I haven't the time for my pain,

but pain I feel.

I haven't the time for hurt,

but hurt I am.

Broken, beat and scarred I am.

Nothing to give.

Nothing to take.

A failure am I.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

YOU CAN BELIEVE (YOU BELIEVE)

Your heart will be pulled and stretched.

Sometimes beyond what it can take.

Then you will break.

The wound will be deep.

There will be bleeding inside.

The crimson flow will mix with the tears' flow.

The pain will feel like you are going to die.

Some of you may even do so.

You will want to give up.

Just roll over, it will all get better in due time.

Don't you believe it!

Feelings tend to lie.

As long as you have hope you have courage and strength.

To rise above.

You can rise above.

Nothing can hold you down.

Nothing can hold you back.

Not even you.

You can believe in yourself, it's alright to.

You have to, if you're going to survive.

And not just survive, but thrive.

You are meant for so much more.

So much more than you can know.

Can you hear a still, small voice?

That's Spirit within you where you felt there was nothing.

It's all very real.

I can promise you.

Now your hope has shown you there is indeed faith in that broken heart and tattered soul.

That black hole within you that you thought was consuming you was and is just another lie.

You can stop taking lies as truths.

You can stand and you can be counted.

Do not go quietly.

Please, there is a Living Love within you.

That love will make your faith stronger and more solid than steel.

You can believe.

Just believe.

Now, close your eyes, you will see.

You are worth so much more than the sum of everything you think you are.

This is the truth; the heart of everything within you.

The wounds will heal.

They will all cover over.

Leaving a scar.

Scars are beautiful.

They speak of the strength within your heart.

The strength within your mind.

Love, you see, is so very real.

It exists.

It exists for you, within you.

It's at the very core of who you are.

Believe!

Just believe!

Sorrow and hurt are finite.

Hope, faith and love are infinite.

And love stands apart.

It being the greatest.

It's who you are.

Love is forgiving.

You can believe you can of yourself.

Love is for giving.

You can receive it.

You can take it.

Love.

You can love yourself for the first time, again.

Just look at your scars.

It was love that healed the former wounds.

Love brought soothing to your pain.

Love brought comfort to the hurt from your harms.

Do not hide your scars.

Such beautiful scars.

Bear your scars.

Remember where you came from.

Remember the who you used to be.

See who you really are.

Who you have become.

You can believe.

I know, oh I know, it is the hardest thing you will ever do.

No matter how much it hurts.

Because love hurts.

Love always leaves a mark.

Your scars. 

Your beautiful scars.

Painful wounds will always cover over.

They will always heal.

If you just believe.

Love heals.

The Great Paradox.

Love will tear you down.

Love will uplift you.

Believe.

You can believe.

Hold on, hold out.

Hold fast, stay strong.

Because you can.

Because you are.

Because you believe.

You believe.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

NO APOLOGIES, NO EXPLANATIONS, NO NEGOTIATIONS (MY LIFE!)

I am who I am.

I will not apologize for that.

Nor will I explain.

I do not negociate.

If I'm not good enough for you then that's your problem.

Not mine.

You want me to be who I am not.

You want me to be what you think someone should be.

You want me to be just like you.

I cannot, I will not do or be that.

I will listen to words of wisdom but I will ignore what is just plain wrong for me.

It's my life for me to live.

I make all the choices.

I make all the decisions.

I do not need you to tell me any different.

Just because I'm not who you think I should be.

And so you ridicule me.

You insult me.

Have you forgotten about love?

Aren't we all supposed to love each other, regardless?

If you're just going to be condescending then you can just leave.

You cannot come to me.

You cannot call me out.

You cannot come against me.

You are no different than me and I am no different than you.

We are the same in God's eyes.

No better, no worse.

I know I am not perfect, far from it in fact.

You don't need to remind me of that.

I will not argue who a person should be.

So you can just shut it!

Accept me as I am, such as I am, or leave me be.

I don't need any negativity.

I have enough in me as it is.

I do not want any more.

So be still your tongue.

I need to live my life.

You are no help, you are a stumbling block.

You are not a door, you are a wall.

You are a burning bridge that I'll never get to cross.

Just let me be.

Let me go.

This is not open to discussion.

There will be no terms given.

I will not fight over this.

I am who I am.

And only I can be who I am.

It's between God and I alone.

I've wasted enough time with you.

I will no more.

I will follow the tried and tested, perfect will of God for my life.

And so I go.

I have a life to lead.

Good-bye to you.

Farewell.

I hope and pray that you find whatever it is you're seeking.

May God bless you.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE DESPERATELY DESPERATION OF THE DESPERATE

I don't know.

I never did.

Life is confusing.

It is constantly changing.

I am miserable.

Everything is in chaos.

I want to feel numb.

I want to feel pain rather than nothing at all.

I don't know what's right.

I don't know what's wrong.

All I know is that I am not there.

I walk through a minefield.

I am mired down in the crimson mud.

Life rains down on me.

I am diseased.

I am incurable.

It hurts to move.

It hurts to breathe.

It hurts to think.

I am slowly bleeding out from my wounds.

I am cut wide open.

I choke on my own life blood.

I am still desperately clinging to hope.

There has to be a way out.

There has to be a way to escape from all this.

A way to leave all this behind.

Maybe I am just blind to it.

I am afraid to live.

Even to try.

I am afraid to die.

Even to try.

Oh God, where are You in all this?

I cannot take any more.

I cannot take being alone.

I never could.

I don't know why I tried.

I am just not strong enough.

I blame my own ignorance.

I am so arrogant.

I am such a fool.

God please, save me from me.

My own worst enemy.

I am defeated.

My hands are covered in my own blood.

What was I thinking?

How could I think I would get away with murder?

All I know is that I want to get away from here.

Far away from all this.

God please, don't turn Your back on me just like everyone else.

My need far surpasses what I can give.

My burdens are just too much for me to hold myself erect.

Down on scraped and bloodied knees.

Then face down on the ground.

The burdens are crushing me beneath their weight.

Jesus, Saviour, please save me.

I need You, I need You now, I You now more than ever.

I am almost at terminal velocity.

I will soon crash and burn.

Rock bottom is racing up to meet me.

There's no avoiding it.

I will not survive this this time.

I close my leaking eyes.

They instantly freeze shut.

I am reaching out with a feeble hand.

I cry out.

My voice is hoarse.

The only noise I make is silence.

God please hear me.

Please, I don't want to die like this.

Please, I do not want to die.

I am afraid.

Consumed, saturated.

My apathy brought me here.

I blame only myself.

How did I get here in the first place?

How did everything come all undone and cave in on me?

I hit rock bottom and kept on going.

My grasp on my hope is slipping.

God, where are You right now?

It is hard for me to see You.

I have x's for eyes.

My mouth has been sewn shut tight.

I burn with a cold heat.

All that was good in me has been stolen away.

I didn't even see it coming.

Or did I?

Did I just ignore it all?

Did I just turn a blind eye?

Not wanting to face what's wrong in me.

Hoping it would just all go away on its own.

I did not bury my head in the ground.

I buried my whole body.

And the pressure crushed me.

Now I am about to implode.

From all the pressure that's built up in me over an entire lifetime.

All those wasted years.

I let them all go.

Now I am paying the unpayable price for it.

Just look at me now.

All alone in the middle of nowhere.

Living on the outskirts of life.

Always on the wrong side.

I am on the outside looking in through dirty, cracked panes of glass.

And the driving rain is so cold.

I can feel the cold all the way to my very core.

I want to die, but I am already dead.

Did I ever live?

What is never used is atrophied.

I cannot say that I miss anything.

You cannot miss what you never had.

I am less than nothing.

Nothing from nothing still equals nothing.

Oh how I wish that I didn't care.

Maybe it all would not hurt like it does.

But I do, for some stupid reason.

From somewhere deep within my Heart of Hearts I still have will.

I still have a will to live.

I am not ready to die, not just yet.

I am not done yet.

Not done what?

Maybe I'm not done causing myself harm.

All I know is that I still loathe myself.

It's all that I know.

I have never known any different.

I have always gone my own way, on my own terms.

I thought I knew better.

Even though I knew it wasn't true.

God, I know I turned my back on You and walked away.

I haven't any excuses that would make it all better.

Nothing I say or do will take away all the pain and dishonour I bring on You.

I know I don't deserve any help from You.

But only You can help me now.

Only You can save me now.

I am too far gone.

I've even lost myself.

Oh God I am so sorry.

I know that being sorry just does not seem the right thing to say nor does it seem enough.

But what else can I say?

What else can I do?

I can never make it right.

God please forgive me.

I know I am my own curse.

That is what my so-called life has become.

I am the prodigal.

I am the tear in Your eye.

I am the thorn in Your heart.

I am the sin that separates.

I don't expect You to even bother with me.

But, I still remember what You said to me a long time ago.

You said You would never forsake me.

Or did I just imagine it?

Please! I cannot live this living hell any more, not that I ever could.

You are the only one that I still trust.

Everyone else has hurt me too much, too many times.

But then again, I still have blood on my own hands.

My hands are stained by my own blood.

Who can I blame now?

On whom can I lay fault upon?

I am the only one here.

Stabbed in the back by my own hand.

This is why I loathe myself so much.

Broken, I was the one who broke me.

I was the one who cut me wide open.

I was the one who stood over me laughing.

God please take me far away from me.

I am just too much of a danger to myself.

Left to myself I will surely do myself in.

And I am so weary Jesus.

You once said to me that You would always be here with me.

I must say that I have never seen You.

You said that You'd always hold me and would never let me down.

Then why have I never felt You?

I guess it's been me all the while.

I am the one who strong armed You.

I feel so far away from You, and yet I feel You so very close to me.

I believe in all that You have ever said to me.

I believe in You, You and only You.

It's myself that I do not believe in.

It's me that I do not trust.

It's me that I am most enraged at.

Maybe that's why I only cause myself harm.

But right now it doesn't matter any more.

I am separated and isolated.

I made all the choices.

No one else can be held accountable for that.

But what choice did I have?

My mind is fragmented.

My heart is fractured.

My soul is torn.

Still I blame me and me alone.

I judge myself guilty.

I condemn myself.

I am sentenced to a prison of my own making.

One of six walls, no window, no door.

Darkness complete.

But I do not want to be here.

I want out.

But escape is impossible.

I saw to that.

God can You hear me?

Even with me behind these infinitely thick walls.

Can You reach down and pull me out of this place of horror?

I have given up on myself.

Please don't You too.

Please, my Christ remember me.

You are my only hope.

Without You I am all alone, I am nothing.

Bring truth to where my feelings have lied to me.

Bring my faith back to life.

Put breath back into my heart.

Make my soul whole again, for the first time.

Can I please lean on You.

I am so weary.

My strength wanes.

Will You give me a stay of execution?

Even though I am guilty.

Take away my iniquities and my afflictions.

The poison that is sin courses through all my veins.

I choke and bring up blood.

I am bleeding internally.

You are the only one who can heal me.

You are the only one who can fix this broken man.

Please bring me back together again, for the first time.

I am afraid because I just do not understand, and I cannot control myself.

I never could.

This is me.

Not who I want to be.

This is where I am.

Not where I want to be.

And so I fight with all this.

With open wounds bleeding freely and scars that weep.

Oh God, please please!

This is my desperation.

What I've become, what I am.

God please turn to me and hear my cracking cries.

Have pity on this pitiful man.

Please give ear to me.

God please come near.

Take this heart as it is.

Take me as I am.

Do with me as You will.

I am no more.

I am no longer.

Such as I am.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY