WILL

I will rise.

I will stand.

I will carry on.

I will go forth.

Against the driving wind.

Against the mighty storm surge.

Against the roaring wind.

I will not fear.

I will not sojourn long.

Onward, ever onward.

Upward, ever upward.

Not waiting for the passing of the ever passing moment.

I will push through.

I will fight on.

No one will get in my way.

Nothing will stop me.

I will not bend.

I will not break

For One goes before me.

He walks beside me.

He watches my back.

He watches over me.

The race, I will run.

Never ceasing till I cross the finish line.

Everlasting and eternal life with my King and Lord will be my reward.

The Kingdom of Heaven will be mine.

I will will.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

FALLING AWAY

I fall away.

I go my own way.

I follow my mind.

That's where I get lost every time.

My mind is corrupted.

Broken and confused.

I fall into frustration.

So many questions.

All at once.

It is enough to drive me insane.

Then again, I am already there.

I am my own foolishness.

 I fall away again.

Will I ever learn?

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

STALEMATE

Living is my battle.

Everyday.

The war is for my mind.

I live a stalemate.

I am a desolate wasteland.

No-man's land.

Ground is taken then lost, taken again then lost again.

I have grown weary of living this way.

I have been wounded too many times.

I have lost too much.

I have given up too much.

Retreat is always my cry.

There is no victory foreseen.
I am in the middle of a minefield.
Concussions are felt all around me.
Crimson tears stream down my face.
I wipe them away with a bloodied hand.
Looks like no end is in sight.
I know that I am never going back home.
As another charge is set upon me.
I must fight with all I have.
I do not want to give up or even give in.
I am not ready to die, not just yet.
So I stand and fight on.
As wounded as I am.
I will stand my ground.
I will protect it even to the very end.
I can see the white's of my enemy's eyes.
It's like staring into a mirror.
Maybe because I am.
You see, I am my own worst enemy.
I continue to live a stalemate.
With each side unwilling to surrender.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I'M NOT THE PREY

I can feel you all around me.

Your stench fills my senses.

I am nauseated.

I know you are just waiting for your chance.

To attack when I become weak.

You know when I am afraid.

You feed off of that fear.

You are stone cold.

Bereft of all emotion.

You just do not care.

I see you hiding in the shadows.

Lurking.

Biding your time.

Using the cover of darkness.

You are ready to strike.

You have underestimated me.

You still see me as I was.

Sickly.

You still think you can sink your talons into my flesh.

Oh foolish one.

I would pity you if I really cared.

You, the twisted one.

You, the retarded one.

You are already dead.

You have still to realize it.

I will pay you no heed.

I will not talk terms.

For I will certainly not surrender.

Begone from me.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

NOTHING OF ME

I am a mess.
Lying in a broken heap on the floor.
I came all undone.
I fell apart.
I am just a man.
My nature is brokenness.
Half-way gone, already there.
I lost myself somewhere along the way.
Not that I was ever here.
I am sad.
I am angry.
I was born with a broken heart and torn soul.
I never had a chance it always seemed to me.
It just made me afraid.
And the wolves could sense it.
I was hunted down.
I was circled.
I was attacked.
So ravenous were they.
I went down without a fight.
Just look at me now.
Torn and ripped apart.
My bones picked clean.
Nothing of me is left.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ODE TO THE MODERN BARD'S SWEET SONG

You are always on my mind.
You are in my heart and soul.
You speak to me.
And I hear you.
You lift me up.
You tear me down.
You can make me feel.
You always know just what to say.
You take me far away.
We leave the world far behind.
You are my friend, my oldest friend.
No one knows me like you do.
And I know you just as well.
My constant companion.
You do not care how I can be.
You do not care how I sometimes behave.
You are the beating of my heart.
You are the breath of my soul.
The IV feeding me.
I trust you.
You are my addiction.
I need you every day.
You are always there for me.
Inside of me.
Deep within my very being.
I just cannot live without you.
Please stay.
Please do not leave.
Forever even to the end of me.
Only you can get me through this mess of a life.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

EPISODE I: IT'S NOT OKAY TO BE NOT OKAY, EVER! /EPISODE II: YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK TO OKAY

It's never alright.
It's never okay.
So DO NOT tell me it is!
Do not give me hope when you have none.
I will not be lied to.
As you always have.
You have turned my life into nothing but lies.
Go on, leave!
I do not need you here.
I do not need you, period!
I am tired of everyone being careful around me.
It's not like I am going to break down if you do not.
I can see right through it all.
And I would rather be alone than to have to live with that.
You might as well slap me across my fucking face.
I know you just do not know.
I know you just do not understand.
I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU!!!
That's your problem not mine.
Leave me alone.
You do not know me.
So I do not know you.
Deep down I do not feel I want to.
No, I'm not okay!
And I am not okay with that!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

(THEY SAY) LOVE IS BLIND

They say love is blind.
Who are they, but the blind ones.
How can they say?
When they know not of what they speak.
A corrupt heart is a dead heart.
How can the dead speak?
Love is alive.
Love is for the living.
The seekers and the finders.
The finders are the keepers.
It is on them that love shines so bright.
Their hearts expand.
Giving breath to love.
As love breathes, love spreads,
    love consumes.
Love is not blind.
Nor does it blind.
Love is sight where there was none.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

FATHER AND SON

You were there waiting for me when-- 

   I made my entrance into this world.

You gave me two names for this life.

I was given to you, you were given--

    to me.

We would be father and son.

You watched over me as I grew.

You did your best to teach me-- 

   what was right and true.

You showed me the way to go.

You gave me your love.

I gave you mine.

Although never spoken.

We each knew in our hearts.

You watched me as I stood on--

   my own.

You watched me as I began--

   to think for myself.

You laughed as I would not listen--

   to anyone.

I had become a man, my own man.

I saw the pride in your eyes.

As wide grew your smile.

I knew your love for me would--

   be with me forever.

Then silently you left me and went--

   home.

You fell asleep and awoke in eternity,

Although I miss you here.

I celebrate your life and it's--

   continuance in glory.

Beneath the pain there is joy.

For I know we will be together again.

I thank God for you.

Till we see each other again...

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

My Mental Illness & Christian Faith: Oops, I forgot to take my medication

My Mental Illness & Christian Faith: Oops, I forgot to take my medication: Why do people with mental illness stop taking their prescribed medication? We see this often in individuals with Bipolar Disorder and...

THE WAR WITHIN ME

Take me away.
Far away from myself.
I'm so tired of all the fighting.
I am bogged down in blood and mire.
I am all ragged and ravaged.
Ripped apart and torn.
Save me from myself.
My own worst enemy.
We've been fighting for way too long.
And I have grown weary, oh so weary.
I just want to lay down my arms.
I want to surrender.
I don't want to retreat because I will have to fight another day.
It's time to give up.
Stop all this insanity.
I don't want to fight with myself any more.
Let my white flag fly.
May we come to terms.
Walk away in peace.
Let the healing begin.
Let a new life begin.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ALL BLAME IS ON GOD

Always questioning.
Always missing the answers.
Waiting for the perfect time.
Not noticing that the ever passing
   moment has passed.....again.
Remembering yesterday.
Waiting for tomorrow.
Forgetting about today.
Lessons are never learned.
Taken by self-apathy.
Forgotten by self.
Identity is lost.
Feeling sick.
Feeling forlorn.
Weary and alone.
All blame is on God.
Shame on Him?!
Shame on man!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

My Mental Illness & Christian Faith: Symptoms versus Sin

My Mental Illness & Christian Faith: Symptoms versus Sin: This post is about the controversial subject of mental illness and sin. Mental disorders are serious illnesses that are real, jus...

VICTIM

  I have fallen.
  You pushed me.
  I know you just do not care.
  You put all the blame all on me.
  I do not understand why.
  Out of spite?
  Out of malice?
  Do you even realize?
  I think you do.
  As you kick me as I lie down here
in a pool of my own blood.
  I cry out.
  My pleas go unheard or ignored.
  I swear I see you smiling.
  Through my tears.
  I extend my hand in an offer of peace.
  You grasp it.
  But I can see your other hand behind
your back with fingers crossed.
  There is a smile on your face.
  As you bask in your seemingly triumph.
  I am left here bleeding internally.
  The damage you caused is unseen by
you.
  I doubt you would care anyway.
  I pick myself up and limp away.
  Holding my broken heart in my hand.
  There is great pain.
  My soul is torn.
  Then I stumble and fall.
  I cannot go on.
  Too many wounds, too much that
was lost.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THE BLACKNESS OF THE DARK IS ALL I CAN SEE

You will never know what is in my heart.
No matter how hard you try.
Too hard and cold is my heart.
I am surrounded by six walls.
You will never even get close.
I am invisible.
Try if you will.
But all your efforts will be for naught.
No matter how much I want to reveal
   myself.
I just cannot.
I have been betrayed before.
I am still bleeding.
But it is not for you to see.
I am classified.
The secret that I am can never be known.
Much less shared.
Do not look for me.
You will never find me.
I cannot even find myself.
You will be looking at me but you will
   never see me.
I have covered myself well.
And so I cry.
Loneliness is my only companion.
I can never let go of myself.
I will keep myself far away.
You will not even hear me.
In time I will not exist to you as well.
In no time at all, all memories will become
   fragmented.
I will never be able to piece anything
   together.
As I become unable to even hold myself
   together.
The blackness of the dark is all I can see.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

I AM WHO I AM NOT

I have fallen.
I am broken.
My mouth is shut and sealed.
I have Xs for eyes.
My heart and soul, blackened.
The fire within me has grown cold.
I am but ashes on the wind.
I am a failure.
Forgotten and forsaken.
I live a life dead.
Darkness smothers me.
I am overwhelmed.
Angry and enraged.
I have grown to hate.
I blame myself for everything.
I am undone.
I am but broken shards of glass.
Crushed am I.
Alone and on my own.
Worn, weathered, and calloused.
I am wrapped in scar tissue.
I cannot move.
I cannot breathe.
I cannot speak or even cry out.
My tears have dried up.
They are dust.
Wretched am I.
Hideous.
I hide.
I segregate.
I seclude.
I separate.
I remain illusive.
Exclusive.
I am weary.
I want to rest.
But there is no rest for the wicked.
I have no will to speak of.
I am weak and waning.
I am slowly killing myself.
Comatose.
But aware of the haunting pain.
Excruciating.
I am what I am not.
I am who I am not.
Bleak existence.
Non-existence.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

THIS LIFE IS GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME

My feelings wash over me like waves
   of a sea.
I am pulled under.
I breathe in water.
Everything is growing dark.
I am drowning.
This is my life.
Not so much to put any hope in.
I am helpless.
I cannot even look after myself.
I hide in the dark.
I only cry in the rain.
This is my life.
I am a dead man walking.
Looking down a long, endless hallway.
It seems to go on forever.
Am I being paranoid?
Am I lying to myself?
Or is someone else?
Controlling me like a puppet hanging
   from strings.
This is my life.
None the worse.
None the better.
I am indifferent.
I just do not care.
I have had enough of everything.
Too many voices burning my ears.
Filling my mind.
From which I cannot escape.
Oh the noise is slowly taking me from
   lucidity.
I have become mute and moot.
I am of no consequence.
I found a home through the cracks
   in the floor.
No one noticed me disappear.
I dare say they would not have cared
   had they.
Separated, isolated, anti-social, that's me.
This is my life.
It's going to be the death of me.
This life.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

(WHY) I GO

Down on calloused hands and knees.
Beneath blood red skies.
My tears are flowing.
Leaving crimson stains on my face.
My heart and soul are crying out.
Oh how they ache.
Oh how I ache.
Grief and sorrow stifle me.
My mouth is dry.
I cannot swallow.
I am an open grave.
I am swallowed whole.
The darkness envelopes me.
I am overwhelmed by despair.
I become angry.
My fury unleashes itself.
My rage goes forth.
As I tear my way out of this grave.
I was never dead anyway.
I turn to see my grave swallow itself
   whole.
It has defeated itself.
Death is no more.
Still I feel the pain.
The self-destructiveness returns.
It's so easy for me.
When I hate all that I am and
   who I am at times.
I still feel drawn back down.
Six feet does not seem that far down.
But I turn away.
I get up and stand.
I will not accept this for me.
I deserve so much more.
I AM so much more!
I will not let all this defeat me,
   NO, not any more!
I will not be pulled down again.
I was blind, but no longer,
   now I am seeing.
The crimson stains will fade.
But they will always remain.
Right with all of my scars.
Which I will not hide.
I will bear them proud.
They are badges of honour to me.
They tell the story of my so-called
   life.
My heart and soul, torn, still ache.
That's why I need saving grace
   as I do.
I cannot do this alone.
I would surely return to the grave
   if left alone.
Hope is all that I have.
And I will hold steadfast to it.
As I push through all the thorns
   before me.
They cut and rip me, but I have been
   through worse.
I still hold onto my hope.
Nothing will tear it from my grasp.
Hope holds onto me.
I know I will never be let down.
Even though I may forget from time
   to time.
So let the skies bleed red.
Let the earth be scorched.
I will keep on.
I will walk on.
I will press forward.
I will fall again, but I will pick myself
   up and carry on.
So let the world fall down on me.
Mine is already in ruins.
What could come my way that could
   be worse?
I have been through hell.
I was burned.
But I made it through.
And here I am.
Bruised and cut.
Let the healing begin.
As I keep moving on.
Throwing all the grief and sorrow off
   to the side.
Leaving them to rot and decay.
Weary I am.
Worn and weathered.
Cracked and chapped.
Still, I am still.
I am sound.
I will not fear.
I just want to go home.
I will fight with all that I am.
Even to the very end.
I will not quit.
I will not give up or even give in.
My resolve is solid.
And grows even more so with each day.
I have my hope.
It's all I really have.
It's what keeps me.
And so I go.
I go!

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL (COME WITH THE RAIN)

I listen to the gentle falling of rain drops.
I feel at peace.
Something unfamiliar to me.
I imagine all that grows as they greedily
   swallow the life giving water.
And I am mindful of God's good grace.
For He provides for all of His Creation.
I take in the aroma of the wet grass
  and wet pines and evergreens.
It reminds me of the ever turning cycle
   of life.
Everything is new.
Born time and time again.
The rain washes away the old.
Making room for the new.
When the rain stops there sprouts that
   new life.
All the dirt and grime of the world
   is washed away as well.
With every ending starts a new beginning.
Mother nature is ever at work watching
   over God's creation, nature.
For out in nature that's when one is
   closest with our Lord.
Lord over all.
Oh how I love to stand out in the rain.
And stare up at the sky, watching
   the rain drops coming down on me.
Making me feel like the world and life
   are being washed away.
Something I most sorely need.
I feel so alive in moments like these.
Saturated with God's perfect love.
Rain, rain please do not go away.
Stay awhile longer.
Make me feel new again.
And when you must depart I know
   I can depend on God's new light.
To wash over everything.
Like He's telling us He loves us so much.
Oh how I love the rain.
Both gentle and driving.
God please let the rains come and wash
   my pain away.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

LOST FOREVER

I am torn.
Broken and beaten.
My life is all about pain.
I know so much hurt.
From so many harms.
My tears flow freely.
Pulling me down.
Into a sea of pity.
Where I drown.
I am overcome.
I can no longer hold my head above.
The darkness is coming swiftly.
It will wash over me.
I can see the storm coming.
Far off into the distance.
I have nowhere to go.
Nowhere to hide.
I am exposed.
And that is what is killing me.
I would give anything.
Just to know one moment's peace.
Just to know one moment's peace
   of mind.
I would die for that.
Just to wake up not fearing the day.
But this is my lot.
This is my measure.
Break all my teeth.
Break all my bones.
Tear off all the flesh.
The pain cannot compare with
   what I "live" with each day.
So I close my eyes.
I try to close my mind.
Knowing deep down I am cursed.
To keep reliving the past.
Its' talons dug deep into my soul.
Through the cracks in my mind.
I am slowly bleeding out.
If only I could release the pressure.
All of this would not be overflowing.
Carrying me away far down the river.
Where I am lost forever.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO

I watch you suffer.

Oh, how my heart aches.

I love you so much.

But you will not let me near.

If there were just something to say

   that would make it all better, I would.

You just keep pushing me away.

I see the fear and anger in your eyes.

I know I can never understand.

I know I have no right to tell you how

   to think or who you are.

I just want to reach out, but you just

   knock my hands away.

I just want to hold you.

You just turn away.

I will tell you one thing though.

You are not the only one suffering.

I suffer too, for I love you.

My child, you do not have to be alone.

But I leave the choice in your hands.

I know only you know what to do.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY

Dedicated to all those who love us.