A STORY OF HEALING

You hurt me deeply.
Made my heart bleed.
Tore my soul apart.
Left me with permanent scars.
That's okay, those scars mean I have healed.
But, still I struggle to forgive you.
And I certainly cannot forget.
Some wounds just will not heal.
You took something from me that I don't know
   how to get back.
Gone is my innocence, child-like faith, 
   and child-like wonder.
Now my view of the world is distorted.
I look at my life through a broken window.
I still bear the scars from that.
In many ways I have healed.
I am better off, at least that's what I try to
   tell myself.
I may be stronger now than I was.
But at the same time I just cannot lift myself up.
I still remember those days, those times.
I remember screaming from the hurt that came
   from the harms being inflicted on me.
How could you?
I was just a child!
Your child!
I hate you for what you did to me.
But I still love you.
Even after it all.
That was then, this is now.
Those harms may still exist for me.
My heart is all scar tissue.
With a stitched up soul with frayed threads.
If I only could forgive you, but I cannot 
   even forgive myself.
I am trying to pick myself and move on,
   letting go of everything.
I just want to live my own life.
But I am weighed done by all those burdens 
   that I still carry.
On my own I cannot do anything, 
   cannot go anywhere.
I am still here trapped within myself.
Imprisoned in a prison of my own making,
   six walls, no door, no window.
My hands and knees, bloodied from all 
   the attempts at crawling away.
I am still chained down here.
I can still see you, as you were.
I can still hear my screams reverberating 
   in my mind.
I still remember the bruises and cuts.
I remember them with tears flowing 
   from my eyes.
But you know, I am feeling hope.
It's been said you cannot hold a good man down.
I'm trying to be good man, the best I can,
   such as I am.
It's that hope that  lightens my burdens.
I can see a candle shining in the window for me.
Showing me the way home again.
And I will get there.
Jesus, I am reaching for You.
Please pour your love on me like a pouring rain.
Lift me up and carry me away.
I just want to go home.
I just want somewhere I can call home 
   within my fragmented mind.
Please help me let go of my burdens, all the hurt,
   all the pain, all the anger, all the rage.
Born from all those harms.
Teach me to love myself again.
Teach me how to forgive myself again.
So that I can love.
So that I can forgive.
I want to let go of everything.
Then get up and move on far away, 
   so far away from here.
Leaving everything behind in a cloud of dust.
I am gone, baby, gone.
I am rising.
I am breathing, my heart is breathing.
I am alive, even after everything.
Still, I just cannot forget anything.
Remnants still remain.
I still cry rivers of tears.
Still my hope is rising, so much stronger
   than ever before.
Onto it I will always hold, I am bound to it.
Through it all, the fog that is my so-called life,
   hope still remains.
I believe that I will find my way home.
I know I am not alone any more.
I know I am not the only one.
That strengthens my hope.
The hope that is in my faith.
The comfort and soothing while I heal.
I heal.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(15/03/2013)