HOW LIFE SHOULD BE

I have a picture in my mind 
  of how life should be.
I am so disappointed that life just does 
  not measure up.
My expectations are high.
Too high I guess.
But I just want life to be the way it should.
I am not expecting much.
Or am I?
In my life I am alone.
I am naked and cold.
Loneliness and despair, my only companions.
This isn't how it should be for me.
I deserve better.
I deserve more.
I do not think I am expecting too much.
I do not think I am wanting too much.
I do not think I am asking for too much.
Is this how life is meant to be?
Have I been wrong all along?
It's just that I hate that my life is dead,
  dead to me.
And I feel it's all my fault.
It is my life after all isn't it?
I made all the choices.
I made the decisions.
I have heard that life is what you make it.
If that's true, then I sure have made a mess 
  of it.
And I am at fault.
Can I change it?
If so; how?
I am all on my own.
I am just a man, a poor excuse for one at that.
I still have this picture in my mind 
  of how life should be.
And I struggle with how life is
  and how I believe it should.
It is taking so much out of me.
I grow so weary.
Should I just give up?
Should I just give in?
I am even too tired to do that.
It is just not fair that life is the way it is 
  for me.
I am so sick of it all.
It makes me so angry.
I am so frustrated.
I hate that I feel so helpless.
Life is that it is.
In chaos and anarchy.
I would rage for order.
But I just haven't the strength in me.
I cannot carry on any more.
Life can go on, but, without me.
I don't want any of this.
It just sickens me.
The way life is.
It pulls and pushes me.
My heartstrings are fraying.
My seams are coming undone.
My hinges are breaking.
I don't want any of this.
This isn't how I want life to be.

SCOTT DAVID BUCKLEY-(29/01/2013)