I will never be me again.
I was here, now I'm not.
I'm not quite there either.
Still, I know there I will surely be.
Oh the rapture to find myself again.
To see how much I have changed.
To learn all over.
But I can never remain.
I live but to sojourn on and on.
Letting go of myself.
Knowing I will not lose who I am.
Realizing I must go on.
Leaving myself for a time.
To seek out new paths.
To seek out new adventures.
This is my journey, my journey alone.
Always knowing, wherever I go
   there I will be as well.
And to see myself renewed.
For it is hard for me, letting go.
There is the underlying fear I will always feel.
That I will get lost within myself.
To be trapped in the deep, cold, dark.
I have known great despair.
I have been prisoner to loneliness.
Depression has been a constant companion.
All want to see me done with.
Still hope always rises within me.
Someday will be my end, but not this day.
Today we becomes me.
One more time.
Here I am.
Where I always am.
Where I was meant to be.
Who I was meant to be.
Knowing great revival.
And renewing of the spirit that is me.
I will never be again.
I will never be yet just yet.
I am just I am.



Sometimes faith slips from my grasp.
I let go of hope.
Love has left a mark too many times.
I believe, but doubt it is enough.
I am so drained and weary.
I am melancholy, indifferent.
I am hollow.
Inside reverberates an echo.
So deafening.
I scream out only to hear silence.
I reach out only to lose my grip.
I'm sliding backwards.
Is there any chance that I will find my way 
Will you let me back in?
Will you hate me?
Will I still be called yours?
I just don't know.
I want you, I don't
One thing is for sure.
Of this I am positive of.
My life is dead.
Where are you?
Where am I?



I do not believe in reality.
How can I believe in something temporary?
I do not believe in the moment.
How can I believe in something 
   that is ever passing?
I do not believe in feelings.
How can I believe in something that lies to me?
I do not believe in emotions.
How can I believe in something always 
   betrays me?
I do not believe in theories.
How can I believe in something 
   that just is not there.
I do not believe in religion.
How can I believe in something that is false.
I do not believe in the world or life.
How can I?



Unsure of what is there.
My heart and mind are at odds.
Both want to be right.
But there isn't room for both.
It does not matter who comes out alive.
Either way I will remain damaged.
The pieces are spread across the floor.
A puzzle that will not go together.
Down on my bloodied hands and knees.
Crying out for salvation.
Someone save me from myself.
I'm afraid I will do myself in.
Without someone to believe in.
I feel so far away.
Disenchanted and disillusioned.
I am reaching out with broken hands
   on broken arms.
Attached to a broken body.
Housing a broken mind in my head.
Everything about me is broken.
I am broken!
Who will heal me.
Who will rid me of the poison 
   coursing throughout within me.
I am dying from the inside out.
I want to know just what love is.
I want to know just what truth is.
And why can't I seem to find any here
   in this world I am in.
Can you tell me?
Can you show me?
I do not know.
I want to know.
I need to know.
Hope is wearing thin.
Still, I am hanging in there.
Still, I am hanging on.
A little hope is all I have left.
A little hope is keeping me together.
When all else is falling apart 
   and coming undone.
I am not ready to give in or give up just yet.
I am not ready to die.
Even though everything is telling me to.
I may not know where I am.
I may not know who I am any more.
I may not know what to do.
I may not know what is going on.
I don't think it really matters any more.
As I sit in an empty room, in an empty house.
I try to forget it all.
But I know that is quite impossible.
I will forever be haunted by the spectre of
   of my own sin.
Choking me, suffocating me, but still breathing.
So I will rise and I will rise again.
It's all  can do.




Here I am again.
Yes, yet again.
Standing on the edge.
Looking down as always.
Thinking to myself, it doesn't look too far down.
Teetering, balance is vague.
Looking back over my shoulder.
Not knowing what is worse.
Then I look ahead.
The dread fills me.
Confusion, frustration.
I look up.
I feel my heart begin to breathe again.
The scorched skies begin to part.
Allowing a ray or two of light to shine through.
Here I am again, walking away.
Eyes wide open.
My soul at ease.



You are here with me.
Right next to me.
Your presence is a comfort to me.
Alone I do not feel.
Your love is all that I know.
It goes on when I don't.
You lift up my soul.
And my heavy heart.
Always watching me.
Always watching over me.
You will not leave me be.
Even when I want to be.
Your love has no bounds.
It breaks down any barriers.
Your love saves me.
I am alive because you love me.




You have always loved me.
I have only hurt You.
No matter what I do or say You remain by me.
I just do not understand why.
I cannot comprehend love such as Yours.
Boundless and unfailing.
I always walk away from You.
But You always come after me.
Just like when the Good Shepard 
   left the ninety-nine just for the one.
My wanderlust gets the better of me.
It is so enticing.
Still You remain faithful.
You remain true to Yourself.
Your love and grace are so far reaching.
To the four corners of the earth and beyond.
I just cannot deny Your love for this poor
   excuse for a man.
But I know I am of need of that perfect love.
All my hurt, pain and harms.
You just gently touch and bring soothing 
    and comfort while healing them.
These cuts You cover making them become
   beautiful scars.
They testify of Your love, not just for me,
   but for one and all.
All I can say is "Thank You my Saviour Lord."
It's not much but it's all I have.
I can only hope it will be enough.
Somehow I know it is.
Your love far outshines my love for You.
Considering my love is finite.
I'm only a poor man after all.
Still Your love surpasses that.
I am alive simply because You love me.
And extraordinarily You love this man,
  such as I am.
I will hold onto You, I know 
   You will never let me down.
And You love me even when I cannot.
You love me when I will not.
I am taken by Your love.
I am overcome by Your love.
I breathe You in.
You bring me back to life.
You save me.



What is simple about life?
Life is extraordinary.
Is there a normal?
With so many that are unique.
I don't believe in sorrow.
When the healing always comes.
I abhor all that is negative.
Rather, I will hold onto the positive.
All that is wrong is minute.
Look at all that is just grand.



The storms are many.
The crashing waves of the surge wash over me.
Drowning me.
My mouth is open, I swallow it all.
I can't even choke it down.
All in a blink of an eye.
Then all is black.
As the cold of the depths embraces me.
As if this is where I belong.
A deep, dark grave.
How is it than I can still see 
   a single sliver of light?
Is it real?
Or is it just the sirens' song that I hear?
I am heavy as an anchor.
Weighing myself down.
But I feel myself rising.
Floating upwards, ever slowly, but upwards still.
I can feel hope rising within me as well.
My eyes open wide.
As my lungs begin to expand once again.
As my head breaks the surface.
With light and brightness embracing me now.
The storm is gone.
The dark waters have receded.
I can stand once more.
On dry land.
Everything is intact.
Nothing was lost.
I breathe in the sweet air of salvation.
I am alive.
I will live.



Where did you go?
Why did you leave?
Why did you leave me here?
All alone, on my own.
Frightened and cold.
Naked and shivering.
Won't you come back to me?
I need you.
Without you I am incomplete.
Are you lost somewhere?
Like I am lost.
I need you here with me.
One and one becoming one.
I am you, you are me.
You need me just like I need you.
Separate we slowly die.
The further apart, the slower the death.
The more pain racks us both.
I cannot go on like this any more.
Are you feeling the same?
Please, I need you to come back to me.
Tell me, do you need me the same?
I don't want to live this way, I cannot!
Wherever you are, I need you here.
Whatever it takes.
I will find you.
All I know for sure is that I need you to live.
Please come back to me.



I remember you well.
You were here but not.
You were here in visible silence.
When I needed you, you just let me down.
Left me alone out in the cold driving rain.
Crying tears in the rain so no one could see them.
We were together but apart.
My young mind just could not comprehend it all.
Why were you trying to hide from me?
Did you not love me any more?
I was desperate to know.
I did not know whether I should let go 
   or hold on.
Now I am that boy within this man.
That angry confused boy has become this
   angry confused man.
Still wondering where were you when I needed
   you the most?
I died because I was left all alone.
Crushed beneath the weight.
The weight that I just could not carry any more.
I carried your weight too.
From father to son.
As you went I go.
Doomed to repeat you.
I know nothing else.
Choice?! How?



I breathe in deep.
I breathe in life.
Alive for the first time again.
Where I ended I began.
I rise and I rise again.
My wings aren't made of wax.
I will soar through the sun.
I will soar up above the heavens.
Even higher than the angels dare go.
I have exploded.
I have become a star.
Just watch me shine!




My life has never been a life at all.
I have always been afraid to live it.
Too many hurts.
Too many harms.
To me life has always meant pain and suffering.
The abuse was so life draining.
Like a cut from which I was bleeding out from.
So I chose seclusion.
Separation and isolation.
But it never made a difference.
I still had myself to live with.
My own worst enemy.
I could not get away from myself.
Wherever I went there I was as well.
I was so much more afraid of myself.
I knew just what I was capable of.
I knew exactly how to get to myself.
That's what I did best.
Torment, torture and slowly kill myself.



Silent was your approach.
I didn't hear a sound.
Then you made the breech.
Still I did not know.
I had been compromised.
In my mind you sought to destroy me.
You ate at the very fibres of my mind.
No more pretending.
I knew you were there all the time.
Still I let you in.
I let you get to me.
I let you damage me.
Damage that would be lasting.
My screams just reverberated inside my head.
Deafening were they.
And it made me mad.
It almost drove me there.
But I don't stay down that easily.
I always seem to rise above.
No matter what adversity.
After all's been said and done, 
  I'm the much stronger for it.
I will not let you in again.
Try if you will.
Try if you must.
But it will all be for naught.
I am too high above you now.
I am not coming back down.




Slice me open.
Tear all of me out.
Let the blood spread.
Take who I am and throw me away.
Swallow what is left whole.
Spit me back out.
'Cause I am spoiled rotten.
Poison in your mouth.
I will surely infect you.
I will watch you convulse.
I will watch you die.
I will watch you decay and disappear.
As if you never existed.
I had you as my very own demon.
The chip that was on my shoulder.
Now I have swept you away.
I have exercised you.
And you lie before me as a stain on the ground.
No longer will you haunt me.
No longer will you torment me night and day.
I will not give you another thought.
I will not waste any moment on 
   remembering you.
I still have the scars though.
They remind me of how I rose above you.
So very high above.
Up above the heavens.
Into the searing light of eternity.
I am alive.
I will fight.
Legion, I dare you to come at me.
Try your worst.
Better is He that is in me.
Like all the a for mentioned.
You will all end up just a stain on the ground.



You stabbed a jagged blade straight through
   my heart.
You poured the poison now infecting me
   down my throat.
You tore my soul to shreds.
You took my already fractured heart 
   and broke it even more.
Then dropped it down to the ground.
Crushing it into dust 'neath your foot.
No thought was given.
You callously pushed me down.
Casting me away.
I could only sit there and watch you leaving
   in a dust cloud.
I am left here with my fresh wound.
Bleeding freely.
I watch the crimson flow.
I think to myself, "I don't deserve this."
I am here questioning why.
Why is it all my fault?
You might as well have stuck a gun 
   in my mouth and pulled the trigger.
I am here dying anyway.
You just don't know what you did to me.
Tore me all apart.
Spilled my blood.
Bleeding me dry.
You just cannot see me here.
Falling into the river that will carry me away 
   to the sea.
At least my tears will be washed away.
Not eating away at me like acid any more.
Here I am in a pool of my own blood.
But you're not here.
At least there's one good thing out of all this.
I will rise again.
I will heal eventually.
I will have another scar.
I will remember how you hurt me.
Someday I will forgive you.
Just not today, nor tomorrow, or the day after.
It will be an epic struggle, but I will struggle on.
Because that's who I am.
Love tells me to forgive.
I cannot ignore it.
Even though it hurts so very much.
Because you hurt me.
I will be that much stronger.
As will the fear, hurt and pain.
And you will never know.
I will not let you.
You are oh so far gone, and that suits me fine.
It matters not any more that you hurt me.




I have burned too many bridges.
I'm finding myself all alone here.
I need someone more than ever now.
But I am all alone, and it's just no help at all.
I cannot even help myself.
Down on bloodied knees crying.
Defeated, broken, disillusioned, beaten.
There's no open doors for me.
Not even a window I could climb into.
Here I am suffocating with the despair.
Victimized again am I.
And what makes matters worse, I allow it all.
I can see it all coming back around 
  and hitting me hard on the head.
I go down hard.
Not so sure I'm going to get back up again.
My tears are going to freeze me here for sure.
Or at the very least drown me.
I made my world the way it is.
I made my life one that is dead.
Here in a cell of my own making.
Six walls, no windows, no door.
I come undone.
I fall all to pieces.
My sky has fallen down on me.
My earth has been scorched.
All that I thought to be good has been razed 
  to the ground.
Forsaken, helpless, hopeless, forgotten and 
  left behind.
I am wondering what I did to deserve all this.
I just do not know what is going on.
I'm about all used up.
There is very little of who I was left.
My soul is torn like flesh is torn from bone.
My heart is all cut up.
I am all in pieces.
Decaying, rotting.
I am naked, shivering out in the cold, cold 
  driving rain.
I am misery.
The measure I have been given.
The measure I have accepted as my lot in life.
So I will just lay down here.
I pray to God that I find peace some day, 
  some how.
Oh God save me.
Please, can You save me from all this?
Please, can You save me from myself?
Here I am.
I'm not going anywhere.
I am out in the middle of nowhere.
God I am waiting for You to came and find me.
Am I too far gone?
Are You too far away?
Here I am.




I love the night.
You can hear the silence.
They wrap around you.
Putting a gentle touch along your face.
Leaving this existence to sleep on the other side.
Lay down weary child.
You can be assured.
You shall awake well in being again.



Can you even see me?
Do you care at all?
Am I invisible?
Can you even hear me?
Does it matter?
Am I ignored?
I am me.
I am alive.
No I'm not okay!
That's okay with me.
Tell me different?
How can you?
You do not even know me.
You refuse to do so.
Yet you presume you can tell me what is
  right for me.
Tell me how I should be.
Put me in a marked box if you want.
That just shows your ignorance.
I'm sorry to say.
It is just too bad, you are missing out 
  in knowing me.
You will never know who I am.
What I am capable of.
I pity you.
You still insist on ridiculing me.
You still sit in judgement over me.
But after all is said and done, I am so above 
  you and what you are all about.




Let your tears fall.
They are flawless diamonds.
They shimmer and shine.
They refract into thousands of
 colours of blue and white.
They whisper to your heart.
They are gentle, caressing hands. 
Soothing the troubled heart, soul, and mind.
They wash away all the harms, hurt and pain.
They lift you back up.
They will heal your shattered heart.
They will put your torn soul back together again.
Let your tears fall, they will fly you far away 
  from here.
They will speak for you when you just cannot.
God hears them all.
God keeps them all.
He knows why they are.
That's why He is there.
For He loves you with an unfailing love.
His grace is just for you right now.
He makes those tears shine.
You can live and love again.
That is your reason, your very own purpose.
So let all your tears fall.
Let all your fears fall.
You will rise, and rise again.
Oh, how high you will soar!




Where do we go from here?
How do we heal?
When it hurts so very much.
Where does the comfort come from?
How do we see?
The love we all sorely need.
Can we live again?
Can we love again?
When it hurts so very much.




I am a blade of red hot steel.
Forged in the fires of hell.
My reach is long.
My cut leaves a jagged wound.
And I cut deep.
I am poison.
I will enter you.
Invisible I am.
I will infect you.
I will devour you.
I will leave a wound that will not heal.
It will fester beyond what you even know.
I am the demon within you.
I will do more than harm.
I will do more than sicken.
I will be your demise.
You will never know me.
I do not exist.
Except in your fears.
You will remember me.
I can promise you that.
I'm the one with your blood on my hands.
I am the one who will get away with murder.
Your heart is mine to crush.
Crush it I will.
Your soul is mine to shred.
Shred it I will.
All of this is what I am.
It makes me who I am.
This is what I do, busy I am.



The stillness.
The peacefulness.
The light of the dark.
A dull glow of blue.
Breathe in the cold.
Breathe out the warmth.
I can hear the silence.
I can touch the air.
The chill caresses my cheeks.
The sparkle on the white shimmers 
  like diamonds.
The stars come near to kiss my face.
As I am wrapped in my awe.
This is a little bit of heaven to me.
Oh the beautiful acrid scent of burning embers
  from the fires set aflame.
Quiet prayers.
And the angels they bring.
To a land asleep.
Renewal, soon to awake.
There is the coming dawn.
But for now lets wrap all ourselves together.
May this vision of peace remain in our minds.
When the awakening takes place.
And the noise starts.
I will retreat back here into my mind.
Where these visions will dance lightly 
  in my head.
Bringing me back once again to the peace
  lingering in my mind.
I will close my eyes.
I will arrive here once more.
Waiting for reality to catch up.
Bringing stillness and peace once again.
Oh imagination.



Words can be shot like poison dipped darts.
The tongue a searing flame.
Able to cut and let bleed.
Wound and infect.
A veiled killer.
Never velvet but iron.
Destroyer of worlds.
A serpent selling venomous sweet honey.




It's okay to cry.
Let your emotions show.
Let it all out.
Don't continue to drown in your sorrow.
Rise above.
Let your voice be heard.
Cry out loud.
Don't be ashamed.
You have the right.
No one can tell you to silence yourself.
Stand up tall.
Make your stand.
Do not go quietly.
Do not go at all.
Your voice needs to be heard.
Do some good for this world.
When there is so much apathy prevalent.
You can believe in you.
And that voice within you.
So let those tears fall.
It's not a sign of weakness.
Rather, it shows great courage.
You can be your own hero.
Let your light shine.
Let your spirit soar.
Raze this living hell to the ground.
Throw the ashes to the wind.
Bring down the scorched, crimson skies.
The world must know.
That it is dying a slow death.
Cry for the world, as do I.
We are one in the same.
We both see the decline 
  of both the Western and Eastern civilizations.
It's enough to cry over.
It is so very sad.
But it doesn't have to be this way.
There is still hope for all of mankind.
Hope is rising everyday.
And hope is all we have.
There is still good in this world and man.
I believe it, do you?
Together we can bring a change to this world.
For there was once only One.
Then the One became the Twelve.
Now look at us.
We may be the problem with this world.
But we can be the solution too.
As long as you, me, we.
Stand together, unified and united.
So shed those tears.
It's a crying shame the way the world is.
And people have to see the gravity 
  of the situation.
Cry, cry out loud.
Be the change.
Together we can fan the fires of revival
  into a raging inferno.
You cry for the world.
I'll cry for the world.
Lets believe we can all still change, 
 for the better.



Covered in filth.
Crying crimson tears.
They cut lines through the dirt.
Turning the clay to red mud.
Struggling to escape.
Becoming more mired with the more struggling.
Unable to breathe.
Mouth and eyes are caked shut by the mud.
Praying for the rains to come.
Let them wash it all away.
Pulling all the mud from my face.
Oh to breathe and see again.
To rise and to stand up again.
I don't want be bent over any more.
I have grown so weary.
God, I cannot go on.
Can You come and take me away from here.
Away from this self that I am right now.
Make me the me You know me to be.
The me only You can make me come to be.
I will trust You.
I believe in You.
All my hope is in You.
No matter who I have been.
No matter where I have been.
Your grace covers it all.
Even though I will end up right back 
  where I was, as I was.
You will come after me.
I am Yours after all.
Nothing can keep me from You.
Not even me.
And all the tears I cry will become words
  only You can hear or understand.
No matter, no matter where I am,
  no matter how I've become again.
I am Yours.
Now and forever, plus a day.
I am covered by love now.
My tears are silent prayers.
Washing away all that hurts and harms me.
I am now free, now and for eternity
  and far beyond.



I can't hold back my emotions right now.
They have a hold on me, suffocating me slowly.
I am fighting for my very life.
I am clawing and scratching for every breath.
But I am overwhelmed.
My head is slowly sinking 
 'neath the crashing waves.
With each breath I swallow a mouthful of water.
I am drowning in an ocean of my own sorrows.
My harms all weigh me down.
Down into the deep dark depths I disappear.
I can't save myself with all that I am feeling.
I know they are all lying.
They are all so enticing.
I am still alive, but only barely.
I am holding onto hope more than ever before.
Right now it's all I have.
I know I won't be let down.
As I am slipping away I feel myself rising still.
I am still breathing.
I am bleeding, but I am healing.
I am comforted.
I am assured.
I am not alone.
Still I live with my emotions and feelings.
You just don't know.
A foe so formidable.
I am just not strong enough.
Not on my own.
But I am not left on my own.
I feel a peace fall onto me.
Love captures me.
Love stronger than all I feel.
Love that keeps me afloat.
Love that keeps me.



I will not go quietly.
Just to save face.
Just to make peace with anybody.
This is my life.
I will live it as I see fit.
You will not tell me any different.
I can rise.
I can stand.
And I am.
I will not be ignored.
I will not be silenced.
This has gone on long enough.
This is where I will draw the line.
I dare you to cross it.
This is my ground.
I mean to keep it.
"Come on! I dare you to move!"
This is it.
I will see you fall.
As I am still standing.
And the blood that was spilled was not mine.
I spit upon you in utter contempt.
You are the one that I hate.
A victim no more am I.
I take back what is mine.
I am no longer yours.
You are defeated.
I crush you 'neath my boot.
Grind you into dust.
"I am free!" Is my battle cry.
I will not go quietly.
I will not go at all.
"Just you try 'n make me."



Here I stand, a fallen man.
I went all in, only to lose it all.
With nothing to show for it.
But broken, empty hands.
God, I am on me knees.
I am looking to You.
Oh God, please, rescue me.
I've nowhere else to go.
I've no one else but You.
You're what I need.
I'm crying out to You.
I'm reaching out to You.
I've really made a mess out of things this time.
Not to mention myself.
Will You come and save me?
Yet again.
I know I've done myself in.
Too many times.
More times than I care to admit.
Each time You were there for me.
I am praying this time won't be any different.
Here I am a broken down man.
Looking into a broken mirror.
With a broken path laid out before me.
Lord I need You.
And I've said this before I know.




Look for me.
Call for me.
I am always there.
In desperation, and in the calm.
You don't need to feel alone.
Because you are not.
My love surpasses everything.
My love outreaches everyone.
When all seems hopeless.
Know they are not.
I am there with you.
Right now, even to the very end.
I love you so.
I will fight for you when you just cannot.
Look for me.
Call for me.
I am always there.
Holding you.
Carrying you.
I will never let go of you.
I will never let you down.
You can count on me.
You can trust in me solely.
You can depend on me wholly.
I am there.
I am right there.
I catch all your tears.
They speak to me.
Look for me.
I can see you.
Call for me.
I can hear you.
I am always there.
Always right there with you.
You are never alone.
My beloved, my child.



My life did not begin when I first breathed.
It began when You breathed life into me.
You formed me in the womb.
You gave me a heart and soul.
You made me me.
You gave everything that makes me who I am.
Apart from You I am nothing.
I don't want to live as nothing.
I want to be so much more.
I just want to be someone.
Someone who will take Your notice.
I will follow to the ends of the earth.
Beyond the bounds of the universe itself.
I will know no death.
Eternity is within my reach.
I am not afraid.
With You with me.
Always with me.
Right here with me.
I am alive because you made me and kept me so.
Where I end is where You begin.
You have a hold on me.
You will not let go of me.
You will not let me down.
In Your arms safe from all harms.
Please just hold me.
Please just carry me.
My strength is fleeting often.
But You never are.
Only You always remain.
And so sings my soul.
Of Your honour and Your glory.
You are just so great and good to me.
Oh my Lord, oh my Saviour.
Alpha and Omega.



How do I let go of someone?
When I want to hold on so badly.
It would be like letting go of a part of me.
How am I supposed to know if I am supposed to?
When it will hurt so very much.
Might as well reach into my own chest and rip
  out my own heart.
If you die so will I.
My heart is yours.
You are my heart.
I can't live without my heart.
I don't want to live without you.
I know life must move on.
With or without you.
With or without me.
That's just how life is.
But as there is an ending there too 
  is a beginning.
I am alive.
I will continue to be so.
I will always miss you.
You will take with you a piece of me.
But live I will.
With the memory of you in my heart you will
  always be alive in me.
So I let go...I let go...of you, of me.



I have tried so hard.
Just to fall even harder.
I have reached out.
Just to grab a hold of air.
Leaving me to fall even harder still.
So here I am, right where I fell.
Flat on my face.
With the tide rising.
There's not a hope for me to have.
What chance is someone like me given?
None! Because everything's been taken from me.
I don 't know why.
Is it all my fault?
Is this my measure and lot in life?
Where is one supposed to go when in the middle
 of nowhere.
Am I living or am I dead?
I just don't know any more.
Then again, did I ever?
So this is the sum of everything for me.



I live in my own tomb.
No one knows where I lie.
Or that I have even been buried.
Or even that I died.
But did I ever really live?
I don't know.
I was never given a chance at anything.
Judged to be a threat.
Or judged to be lacking skills.
I was always torn wide open.
Letting caustic tears flow free.
Drowning me.
But no one ever saw what their careless
  words did or what damage was caused.
Not that it mattered.
I was already battered, beat and broken.
No more damage an be caused to what is
  already damaged.
What is already dead cannot be killed again.
But a scar does not mean healing.
A scar can always be torn open again.
Wounding once more.
With the possibility of infection ever present.
So I guess it can be said you can re-damaged
  and be re-killed after all.
Everything keeps going around.
Where it will stop I know not.
Just that where and when do exist.
And it's not a question of if.
I died a long time ago before I even lived.
So, here I live, ever tomb sweet tomb.




It's hard to smile when everything is turned 
  upside down.
Everything seems to be falling in on you.
There is nowhere to hide.
Nowhere to run.
The voices always find you just as you are.
The noise they bring is crushing.
The harm and damage caused
  is beyond imaginable.
The pain that is wrought is beyond all that
  is known.
It all comes down so fast, so hard.
It's never known what just hit.
It's all just so maddening.
It can bring even the strongest down.
A world so twisted.
A life left for dead.
Still there is the expectation to carry on
  as if nothing is wrong is ever prevalent.
Judgement is harsh and cold.
Arrogant to the very end.
And yet we are all told to press forth.
You will never get anywhere if you don't.
But what if you can't?
What if there is nothing there?
One will always be just one.
As one there is just failure.
How is one meant to deal with it?
And how does one let go of everything?
Tell me, what does it all mean?
Everyone is pushing with no one going anywhere.
It's no wonder that the outlook is dark
  and hopeless.
All this pressure will have to give sometime.
The cracks have already appeared.
They're already widening.
Still the standing order is to keep standing.
Even though our legs are broken.
But I will still wear the mask given me.
I will hide the true broken man.
I will wear my best face.
You will be none the wiser.
Till I fall all apart.



I still cry at night.
When I am alone.
No one needs to see me like this.
I don't want anyone to see me like this.
In my nakedness.
In my vulnerability.
In my weakness.
I am torn apart by my pain.
I am shredded by the hurt I continually feel.
You see, I am missing you again.
The ache I feel from when you left remains.
Ripping open wide the wound in me.
It is my lot to suffer and mourn.




I can't say what I feel any more.
I've been betrayed one too many times before.
I can't even trust myself.
Putting me so much worse off.
But my caring's been thrown into the wind.
Who I was has been carried away.
Leaving me as nothing.
No emotion.
No more hope.
I've deserted myself.
Already out in the middle of nowhere.
Even more so now.
I don't care.
I cannot care.
It's eating me alive.
Devouring me whole.
Leaving me as a hole.
This is where I am.
This who I am.
Not much to speak of.
Just to say I can't live with myself any more.




I once was.
A maybe.
Left behind.
Never lost, never had.
Neither or either.
Plus one.
Still none.
I is not me.




I come undone.
I come apart.
I crumble down.
I drown in my own blood red tears.
I am choking.
I am suffocating.
Barely hanging on.
Desperate to let go of all that harms me.
I need someone to rescue me.
Save me from myself.
I'm afraid I am going to do myself in.
My hands are already stained red.
The storms are always upon me.
The surge always pushes and pulls me under.
Who is going to save me?
I am slipping away.
Slipping between my own fingers.
Slipping between the cracks in the floor.
I am crying.
I am screaming.
I need someone to hear me.
I am pleading.
I am begging.
Catch me.
Hold me.
Carry me away from all of this.
I just cannot go on like this any more.
My own strength is waning.
I have been on my own for too long.
This is it.
I give up.
I need You to take me.
Pull me out of myself.
My imprisonment.
Take away all the fear in me.
Take all the anger.
Take all the hate.
Take all the suffering and sorrow.
My trust is in You.
All my hope is in You.
I'm putting all my faith on You.
I am here believing, but only just barely.
I still have the cold and dark within me.
I can feel them biting into my heart and soul.
But I am still in there.
I have had enough!
This is my life!
I am my own!
God, I need You now, more than ever.
I know I've said this before.
But I truly do.
I have no one else.
Left behind and deserted.
I see all the pieces of the former me.
I fall to my knees.
Holding those pieces in my quaking hands.
Will You please put me back together.
Please make me whole again.
I just cannot do it, oh, how I have tried.
Only to fail each and every time.
I need You, I need only You.
You are the only one still here with me.
In this, my worst, You remain with me.
I was so blind for so long.
Now I can see the light of comfort and healing
  upon me.
I can close my eyes, assured.
You are here with me now.
I am no longer alone.
I come undone.
I come apart.
I am crumbling...




Gone, never to return.
Taken, stolen.
Once alive, now dead.
In the soul of the living there is a gaping hole.
A piece of them has been taken too.
A piece of them is dead too.
Maybe an accident.
Maybe by choice.
It matters not.
They are no longer here.
Taken away way too soon.
The soul ache is just as great either way.
The answer to "Why?" does not exist.
Is of no consequence.
It matters not.
That constant will not remain.
And every year comes that painful reminder.
They are no longer here.
They are long gone.
Left behind.
Those wounds just never really heal.
Cauterized, but no scar is there.
Those wounds still weep.
A longing for them remains.
Tears are of no solace.
They just burn.
The body is racked with sorrow and suffering.
No one knows, on one understands, no one sees.
Still the living must live.
As much as it hurts.
As hard it is.
Put on the mask that conceals the suffering.
Cry tears in the rain, so no one sees.
Scream into one's pillow at night.
Letting no one hear.
Dead flowers left behind by well wishers offer
  no comfort.
Those flowers soon wither and die.
Reminding of the hole inside.
Like pouring salt on the still open wound.
I might as well be dead also.
Because that's how I feel anyway.
The hurt and pain never go away.
Scorched memories are still there.
Haunting me.
Haunting me.